THE MATCHUP: Midwest value

Jacob Peterson arrives for training



Today's edition of THE MATCHUP has been written by a special guest columnist - The Dean of Studying from The Jacob Peterson Institution of America-Canadia Relationships & Things
　
THE FC's VS. SPORTING KANSAS CITY
　
CANADA SOCCER STADIUM - SATURDAY 4:30PM (Canada Time)
TV: GOL TV (Likely in French)
RADIO: THE FAN 590 (Probably when hockey ends)
　
THE KICKAROUND:
The patriotic and totally kick-ass Sporting Kansas City, current Kings of the MLS Eastern Conference, are being forced by the liberal media elite and left-wing policy makers to travel to North America - home of the Toronto FC's soccer team.
　
Despite the completely un-American and downright racialist hassle of being forced to produce a passport (and declare all weapons! WTF?) to enter their "country", the hard-working Midwestern Christian values of Sporting KC will easily overcome a socialist soccer team that has yet to find a replacement for Canuckistan-escapee and patriot, Jacob Peterson. The basement-dwelling communists from "America's Hat" are currently managed by an English dude in shorts and have players who are Germanian, a bunch of Caribbeaners and a man amongst men, Ty Harden - who is awaiting his release from that northern prison.
　
MADE-UP RIVALRY NAME: "The Mission Accomplisher"
　
PLAYERS WHO LOVE FREEDOM:
FC's: Logan Emory, Ty Harden, Andrew Wiedeman
SPORTING KC: Jacob Peterson and brave evacuee Teal Bunbury
　
THE ODDS:
- Jacob Peterson fighting for our way of life: EVENS
- Socialist nogoodniks not appreciating the hardships endured by All American freedom-seeker Teal Bunbury: 2-1
- Whole thing being in French: 3-1
　
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
The rural town of Toronto on the St. Lawrence Seaway is the capitol city of the welfare/nanny-state Canadian North America. Toronto was a mere Eskimo trading post and beaver dam until the mighty U.S. Air Force invaded it during the War of 1812 in a world record 23 minutes. During occupation of the town, our troops burned down the CNN Tower and the SkyDome but left a few days later after getting bored of the summer snow and hockey. The U.S. Forces left Toronto to a dim, cold, gun-free, Obama-care loving existence where they misspell "color", "honor" and "misunderestimation".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "QUINCY AMERIKWA'S SURNAME RESCUED FROM EVIL-DOERS BY MARINES"
　
And, since I don't know if they have Friday in Canada... here's a sneak preview of Jacob Peterson's new TV program. He changed his stage name to William Katt to avoid those Canuckistan spies.