THE STARTING 11: Ways the U.S. Election would have differed if TFC ran for President

Say what you like about the politics of our neighbours to the south but every four years the world pays close attention to their Presidential election. As Americans choose between two wealthy candidates who come closest to their "values", the rest of the world sits in hope that the less crazy guy ends up in charge of the world's biggest nuclear arsenal. Ugh, Arsenal. As the campaign climaxed last Tuesday we couldn't help but wonder how the election would be different if a candidate who exuded successful leadership, brilliant vision for a prosperous future and dedication to financial equity for all were involved. Then that got boring and we wondered what it would be like if Toronto FC could run for office....
　
11. Instead of the lengthy Primary process, a former German Chancellor is paid $1,000,000 to choose the next President.
　
10. Andrew Wiedeman named "Secretary of the Modern Era"
　
9. Campaign promise: "Read my lips - no new strikers!"
　
8. "Tea Party Movement" replaced by "Chip Butty Movement"
　
7. Somehow Jim Brennan ends up as Vice President
　
6. Inauguration parade replaced by series of pub crawls
　
5. Section 112 & 113 at BMO Field considered "swing sections"
　
4. Inspirational "Yes We Can" replaced by "No You Cann't"
　
3. Taxes rolled back to 1776 levels
　
2. Immediately sever diplomatic ties with The Netherlands
　
1. Rebuilding plan met with chant of "5 More Years! 5 More Years!"