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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “...this is no time for such frivolity!”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Hi Stan!
Merry Christmas to you! What would you say is the true meaning of the holidays?
Aaron – Markham, ON
Tidings to you good sir! This is a fine question as we head towards this special time. We’ve lost the true spirit of the season what with crass commercialism and the never ending push to consume. No matter what religion you follow, whether you celebrate the birth of the infant baby our Messiah… or Miscellaneous Other… the true meaning of the season is goodwill towards all men, peace around the world and forgiveness unto your brother.
Holiday time – great stuff. Played with an Edwin Holliday at Middlesbrough for a stretch. Never forget during the FA Cup 3rd Round Replay against Hartlepool. There was a couple of stewardess birds off of British Caledonian in the front row that I was having an old wink at. Just as I was about to get a number, Holliday has a shot on goal that wallops Old Stan’s backside and goes in for the winner! Of course I run over to the stews to celebrate, only to hear over the tannoy that Edwin Holliday was credited with the goal. He ended up with Man of the Match and I saw him leaving with a stew in his Vauxhall! I have nothing but ill will towards that man to this day. If I saw him on the street I’d punch him right in the kidneys. He had been like a brother to me – but I’ll never forgive him.
iPhone, Android or BlackBerry?
Liam – Kitchener, ON
Great Lord Kitchener! Is this code chap?! Has this been filtered through the Enigma machine? I’m here for you soldier. Morse me (I phoning you is too risky!) a reply to the following: Are you in a foxhole? Are you currently behind enemy lines? Is "Operation: Android" a go? Oh bugger, I knew this day was coming! Bloody Soviets! Not to be trusted. This is a real blackberry of a pudding indeed. I shall go ring the church bells to alert the village! Keep safe Private! Your brother in arms – Stan
Hello Stan,
I bought my boyfriend TFC season tickets but still want some stocking stuffer ideas. What would a man like you recommend?
Tracy – Pickering, ON
Good gravy lady – this is no time for such frivolity! Our boys are holding down the final line between us and a life in the Gulag! (Still awaiting the next code Liam! Over.) However, for the good of the Commonwealth we need to keep a stiff upper lip and continue on with traditions. Otherwise The Bolsheviks have already won. Here’s a few items Old Stan wants to see in his Yuletide Sock… 
  • Gentleman’s Foaming Brush (tortoise or ivory handle only)
  • Thick Church Bell Ringer’s Gloves (mink lining)
  • Myrrh
  • That British Caledonian stewardess’ I Phone number
  • A deluxe, bomb-shelter friendly waterbed
  • Someone to punch that bastard Edwin Holliday in the kidneys
  • A Prussian-English Dictionary (just in case)
  • Musky scented balms / a bayonet rifle
  • A bushel of blackberries (for some reason)
  • Heinz Salad Cream
Any of those ten things should fill your man’s stockings amply. Especially in these last few days of peace. Enjoy this Christmas… like it’s your last. Stan.
Happy Christmas/Miscellaneous to all of my readers. May the spirit of the Yuletide/Other be on you… before the nuclear menace from beyond the Iron Curtain engulfs us in the Czar’s cruel grasp. Cheerio!
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

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