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Saturday, May 18, 2013

THE SOUTH (BEER) STAND REPORT: TFC vs. Crew... or the one where The Yorkies got drunk on the May 2-4 instead

We sing in the 50th!

SATURDAY 1PM ET: For our loyal readers who have dropped by to read the usual post-home fixture article - "THE SOUTH STAND REPORT" - we regret to inform you that our regular reporter (follow him on the Twitternet @ignirtoq for malarkey) has been indisposed today. Possibly family, maybe legal, dragon-related is in the mix but definitely not crack. That's ridiculous... looking at you Toronto Star.
Long-story getting too long, we decided against trying to replicate our main man's charming BMO Field post-match magic and instead embrace the spirit of the first long-weekend of summer. We're going to start drinking now. It's the 2-4 and we support TFC all year. We deserve this.
What will follow later tonight will be brought to you by the fine unionized workers of the LCBO and the minimum-wage pint-pullers at BMO Field. This one's for you Queen Victoria...

Whussup party people? We said whaaaaaa-ssssssuuuup? Remember that guy?
Starting XXI:
Andy Richter - O'Neil Henry - Scottish dude - O'Day
Reginald Lamb - Laba Rat - Arsenio - Braunaldo
The One Who Scores Sometimes - That Kid That Got Drunk (bro)
Let's play ball!
1' - People are here! That's crazy but I like barbecue too. Mi castle su castle!
8'- Serious though... when I was a kid people didn't even get dressed up to got o a match anymore. Now they are like here is my Arsenal shirt because it's got WiFi for skateboarding. Pfft. Have some self-respect for yourself.
14' - Reggie Lambe? That's a lie. Liver and onions if we're being honest.
18' - You know who that was? Jesse Barfield.
20' - REFEREE!!!
22' - Loan signings coming to MY country and stealing MY jobs
24' - "OOOOOOOOHHHHH DONNIE DARKO!!! DONNIE DARKO!!! DARK-OOOOHHH!" Yes! 24, 2-4 whooooo! Jack Bauer can't beat Stefan Frei any day. Bitch!
25' - #WesleySnipes #AlwaysBetOnBlack
30' - Danny Hoovermans? Yeah I didn't order Hollandaise on my tuna melt thank you very much.
34' - REFEREE!!!
34'' - REFEREE!!!
37' - Kevin Payne? I've got Kevin Payne, it's called seven years of heartbreak
39' - Bears can NOT run sideways

40' - Screw you Row 2 doucheneck, I will sing what I need. "Nights in White Satin...". Sorry I'm not "Step Up: Revolution".
40' - Why didn't Hogan Ephraim just pick up the phone when Paul Orndorff called? Sad.
42' - GOAL: Columbus - Just a bunch of yellow running past red then some guy... Odoodoo?... You weren't there man.
44' - I'd buy Duncan Fletcher a cake all day.
HALFTIME: In line for brews
45' - SUB: CONVOY!!! BRRRR! BRRRR! on for Braunaldo
45' - Keep playing your Limp Bizkit music BMO Field. Test me. Keep testing me. I paid my money.
50' - Get off your phones! Oh look at me I'm in HD at the match. Selfie! Shellfish more like. "Foursquare me! Foursquare me!" Get a grip. Denise.
52' - Steven Caldwell is a tall drink of carrot water. I'll be your Huckleberry Hound.
55' - REFEREE!

56' - Score some damn points Ryan Neilson
57' - SUB: Dwayne De Osorio on for Arsenio. Woof! Woof! Woof!
61' - Columbus Crew? More like Justin Timberlake.
61' - SexyBack
61' - SexyBack
61' - SexyBack
61' - Scott Bakula
63' - REFEREE!!!

64' - SUB: Australian guy from New Leazand on for Lamb. I got your mint sauce right here.
72' - Joe Bender is a shot blocking gherkin
75' - They don't want to pass the ball these days like Diego Madonna. They just want the latest Firefox on the LA Galaxy Notepad. "ReTweet me, ReTweet me".
82' - No, I'm not Dr. Spock are you tough guy?
84' - Kenny Stamatopolous would have done better.
89' - EMO Field is the best stadium after the French Open
90'+' - REFEREE!!!
Man of the Match: Darren O'Dea cuz he's Irish son!
Goat of the Game: Lamb. Bahahahaha - BURN!
Ref Rating: WANKER! I'd kick you in the pelvis
I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Look Ryan Neilson has to stop letting the media dictate all his passion right? Stop putting the wrong players on the right spot and just let it happen. Don't listen to YouTube - what does she know? Just three words: giv'er
Kit Spotting: I saw one guy wearing four Leafs jerseys.
Quote of the Match:
Sir it would be best if you left.
- Some lady in a yellow jacket and a nametag that said Dave
I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm sorry. I know you like the other guy who writes these because he "lays off the booze". I'm not perfect okay? It's true I am no Dr. Spock but I have been to lots of these football matches before and let me tell you something about today's match that your pals in the office don't have the balls to tell you: that was a match too. Sue me. You don't like the truth? There are good seats available at Coventry City. RAcist.
Yeah today's match... listen guys... it's all a bit fuzzy. Something about a Barbasol can and a lab rat? Red guys were kicking stuff the wrong way, yellow dudes were like "WTF hombre?" Did they win?..... What?..... No?..... Again?
I'm good with my choices in life.
Player Ratings: I just threw up. Not from beer.


  1. I like cake.

    this is about what that game deserved really. seemingly random nonsense I pity those who had to write a match report and come up with something serious that wasn't just repeating the same old same old from the last 6 years.

    times like this it's a hard life being a blogger. they're too depressingly bad in the exact same way they've always been, to even be funny any more. sigh.

  2. Great "hic report..
    The deepest chuckles out of section 220 were at the end of the game. Young Matias Laba was being named "man of the match" and those around me were chuckling. Saying 'wonder what this guy is thinking, like man what did I get myself into? I left home for this???"

  3. I'm still waiting for the day that Jimmy B snaps and starts yelling at everyone on the pitch to "get off my lawn!"