THE MATCHUP: Off to flee the Wizards

"And you definitely shall not score!"

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO FC

SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: THE SCORE aka SPORTSNET 360

THE KICKABOUT:
What better way to face one of the finest teams in the league and their daunting home record than with a ridiculously understaffed squad? Oh hey Toronto FC, didn't see you there.

Fresh off of transferring their only actual attacking midfield option to D.C. United (for a journeyman to be named later) and with two injury-crocked veteran strikers in tow, your Tee Eff Cees will likely be dabbling in the football sorcery known as "Extreme Bunkering". Throw in missing internationals and the general ReggieLambeness of the current TFC squad and it becomes clear that a smash-and-grab is the only chance at points in Kansas. Fun.

It's not all doom and gloom though L'il EffCeemaniacs... we have been assured that new "talent" is on the way! Just let TFC management filter "PLAYERS OVER 34"; "FREE TRANSFER"; "AVAILABLE FOR LOAN" and "ENGLISH CHAMPIONSHIP OR LOWER" on their office copy of "Football Manager 2011" and all will be revealed.

Did we mention that the Roma friendly tickets are now on public sale? Distraction noodle!

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Wizard's Sleeve"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SPORTING KC: Claudio Bieler, Benny Feilhaber, Graham Zusi
TORONTO FC: Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba, Darren O'Dea

THE ODDS:
- Ryan Nelsen opting for the revolutionary 9-1-0 formation: 10-1
- Bekker, Welshman, Laba, Henry and Morgan traded at halftime to fund acquisition of player "fans have heard of”: 5-1
- Mentions of the Roma friendly on the match broadcast outnumbering TFC shots on goal: EVENS

WHO ARE YA?
Sporting KC's Sporting Park is arguably the finest football stadium north of Mexico and a jewel in the thriving metropolis of Kansas City, Kansas. The city, founded in 1930 by powerful confectioner's union The Lollipop Guild, is a mecca of diverse cultural, artistic and intellectual communities. All of them based around barbeque. "KCK" is home to a large population of people mistaken for people with the same name in another state. The thriving industries in tornadic supplies, sorcery/hot air balloon manufacturing and munchkin technologies have led to the city being given the nickname "America's Other Kansas City of the Future"!

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "THEY COULD NOT PASS!"

Who are you dark sorcerer?!