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Monday, July 1, 2013

THE MATCHUP with bonus Canada Day edition of THE STARTING 11: Mercy, mercy, mercredi (Now with 30% more bonus updated junk!)

We know, we know... you're in 1st

TORONTO VS MONTREAL

 
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN
 
THE KICKABOUT:
Joyeux Anniversaire Canada! You don't look a day over 140.
 
What better way to say "I love you platonically" to our fair land than a meeting of two of this nation's Top 3 football clubs? Well TFC is at least Top 10. On Wednesday it's dreaded rivals, Montreal Impact, heading southwesterly down L'Autoroute 401 for a midsummer night's dalliance with Toronto FC. Heard of Impact? Well dressed older Italian gents; quite good at the football; going to the playoffs in their second season; fond of Voyaguers Cup ass-poundings? Yeah them.
 
While derbies always gum up the machine, TFC will have to bounce back from a bit of a miserable fixture (at least half a miserable one) against RSL this past Saturday. Squad absentees will be the name of the game with questions abound surrounding the possible re-signing of Steven Caldwell (who will be unavailable sans new contract. Any updates posted below.) and of course the missing Canadian nationals jetting off to the Gold Cup.
 
On the bright side it will be nice to have something new to blame afterwards.
 
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Danny Koevermans, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
MONTREAL: Patrice Bernier, Marco Di Vaio, Daniele Paponi
 
And now, as a special gift to all you Canucks and Canucklovers/Canuckistan Sympathizers reading internationally we bring you a bonus Starting 11:
 
THE STARTING 11: Ways that Montreal Impact supporters are spending Canada Day
 
Not all Quebecers can agree on the "Nationalism" question. ALL of them agree - relaxing is tres bien. While not all Montreal Impact supporters will be card carrying members of the Maple Leaf Appreciation Society they sure won't mind spending a day off doing whatever it is Support Du L'Impact do when they have some free time...
 
11. Hacking into TFC TV and editing the "Just For Laughs Gags" theme tune over TFC match highlights
 
10. Enjoying the warmth at Joey Saputo's annual "Provolone in the Sun Festival"
 
9. Talking in hushed tones about the wisdom of Jacob Peterson's political views
 
8. Burning effigies of that "dastardly nationalist traitor of the Quebecois Nation's righteous path"... Greg Sutton!
 
7. Petitioning the Canadian government to create a "Heritage Moment" film about the 2013 Voyageurs Cup semi-final
 
6. Avenging the Plains of Abraham... one plastic seat at a time!
 
5. Booing strippers wearing red lingerie
 
4. Walking around hip neighbourhoods in plaid shirts with trendy facial hair and an ironic Montreal Expos cap trying to look cool. (Sorry, that was from "Ways Toronto FC supporters are spending Canada Day")
 
3. Quietly appreciating Canadian healthcare... for its protection of elderly Italian footballers
 
2. Planning a hilarious frat boy prank to kidnap TFC's "Bitchy the Hawk" and replace her with a picture of the St-Hubert's chicken
 
1. Mocking TFC in both official languages
 
 
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "MLS PLANS TO HOLD REFERENDUM TO SEPARATE THE LEAGUE FROM TFC"
 
And... since it's Canada's birfday... and since we promised a dear friend to include this vastly under appreciated chanteuse every time Montreal was visiting... (Title translation and TFC jokes are ribbed for your pleasure)




UPDATE: Jesus TFC... statutory holiday! That means "you get to act like a statue for a day". It's Latin - I Googled it on Wikipedia.

Anyhoo, The Reds thought it would be fun to eff around with the only club that's more of a clown car than them and traded their top allocation spot to Chivas USA in exchange for The Goats' 2015 First Round MLS SuperDraft pick and an international roster spot through the 2014 season. Chivas USA will in turn use the allocation spot to sign American international Carlos Bocanegra.

Like two blind men playing cards.

2 comments:

  1. as saucy as ever from Mitsou. I hope they gave the crowd mini white flags to wave, and it's not just thousands of hankies being waved around.

    also, how french to be so brazenly celebrating the concept of surrender.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete