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Saturday, July 27, 2013

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Columbus... or Welcome to Trilliumania XVIII

If you can channel WWE/F commentator Jim Ross, it'll make for an easier read.

We are LIVE at BMO Field with a "capacity crowd of nearly 23000" in attendance, in sunny Toronto, Ontario, Canada where a new world heavyweight champion will be crowned.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the past year, we here in the federation have been embroiled between two warring factions where everyone has aligned themselves with one side or the other. On one hand, you have the Bumble Bee Barbers, as indicated by their yellow and black uniforms and shaving cream sponsorship, who have been the more successful of the two in the last 12 months. On the other hand there's the Red Profiteers, who have done little to show signs of progress over the same time frame.  The Profiteers, managed by Bushwacker Ryan, who is managed by The Paynemaker, who is managed by The Man They Call Tim, have made announcement after announcement that there will be new signings to their faction.  The Rock, CM Punk and Kane have long been associated with The Profiteers, but nobody ever shows up.  Where title changes matter, it’s all here, LIVE, at Trilliumania XVIII

Onto the show!

Opening Match
"Ginga Ninja" Eckersley v Josh Williams
Josh Williams nearly had the win until Eckersley was 'saved' by "Super Pickle" Joe Bendik and the two of them proceeded to beat down Williams.
Winner : Williams (DQ)

World Television Championship
“Homegrown” Ashtone Morgan (C) v Dom “Doom” Oduro
Defending champion Morgan spends much of the match in control, but his ego gets the best of him.  Out of nowhere, Oduro lays down a few chops, whips him into the rope and catches him with a missile dropkick to the jaw.  Early candidate for upset of the night.
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : Dom “Doom” Oduro

No Rules Hardcore Grudge Match
Will “Steel” Trapp & “Caesar” Augustin Viana v The Killer Bees (“Bee” Justin Braun & “Jumping Jeremy” Brockie)
Some spectacular action with number of weapons, but the match really changed when Viana was suplexed through the Spanish announcer's table, then rolled back into the ring for the cover.
Winner : The Killer Bees

Women’s Match
Rachael “Barretta” Bonetta v Ryan “Wendy” Richter
Midway through the card, everyone went to the washroom but got back in time to see the finish
Winner : Richter

Hair vs Hair Tag Match
Matias “El Gaucho Logo” Laba & Alvaro Rey “Mysterio Jr.” v Federico “Not Gonzalo” Higuain & “Luscious” Bernado Anor
A fast-paced lucha libre match, which you would think is racist since none of the competitors are from Mexico, but it’s not, because I have a friend who said it was OK (it’s a gag, work with me).  Lots of quick moves and high-flying.  Rey gets the hot tag and hits Higuain with a springboard huricanrana and clears the ring.  Upon a spectacular top rope plancha nailing Higuain at ringside, Anor catches Laba with his back to him, spins him around, kick to the midsection, and lands his Luscious Spinning Powerbomb.
Winners : Higuain & Anor

World Tag-Team Championship Match
Bobby “the Brain” Convey & “Medium Jon Studd” Osorio vs The Ohio Playaz (Danny O’Rourke & Matias “Dirty” Sanchez) (C)
Convey took much of the beating in this match.  For long periods of time, he was on the end of a vicious double-teaming at the hand of the Ohio Playaz.  It all looked to be over when the hit the Buckshot Buckeye, two-man sling-shot into the rope met with simultaneous superkicks but it took out the official too.  Just as the official had come to, Sanchez suplexes Covney, but a slow count allows Convey to kick out.  Convey ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Osorio who clears house.  The good guys
WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Winner : Convey & Osorio

“Stone Cold” Steve Caldwell vs Andy “Atom” Gruenebaum
In a match that had everyone on their feet, Caldwell was about to hit his “Stunna’” on the well beaten Gruenebaum, only for the ref to be distracted by teammate Finlay, which led Gruenebaum to clock Caldwell with a steel post.  Roll him up for the easy pin.
Winner : Gruenebaum

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chad “The Law” Marshall (C) v WiedeMankind
Marshall controlled much of the match, really working on the right knee of WiedeMankind but resorted to some dirty tricks.  Marshall was given multiple warnings by the referee, the last of which was hanging on to the ropes too long trying to hyperextend.  Once the ref got in his face, Marshall was about to hit him, but WiedeMankind hooks his arm, then proceeded to take over, one bad knee and all, torrentially raining down blows on the champion.  The underdog and crowd favourite WiedeMankind then pulls out The Greatest Sock of the Modern Era and mandible claws Marshall until he passes out, then goes for the dramatic cover, 1, 2, 3!
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : WiedeMankind

As WiedeMankind was celebrating, a man in a ski mask carrying a steel chair comes charging into the ring, sneaks up behind WiedeMankind and just wraps it around his skull, sending him to the canvas.  What followed was a series of chair shots to the wounded knee of the downed newly crowned champ.

Once he was finished his brutal assault, he drops the chair, stands over WiedeMankind and starts waving his hand... in a... cheque signing motion?  He unmasks himself, OH MAH GAWD!  IT'S DERO!  DERO!  HE PICKS UP THE BELT WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE!  OH MAH GAWD!  WE'LL SEE YOU AT (Aron) WINTERSLAM!

Fade to black

No one is quite sure what got into @ignirtoq this time around, but it was a bad idea that spiraled out of control, as they tend to do at The Yorkies.  He is a wrestling mark, and has been known to take in high-level independent wrestling shows from time to time.  And he doesn't think Ryan Richter is a woman but was necessary to call him Wendy to complete a gag.

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