THE STARTING 11: Ways that Ryan Nelsen plans to "frighten" opponents

The Diego Forlan announcement.. IN 3D!!!

After his predecessor rolled out such tender chewy sound bites as "the best finisher in the modern era" and "like a son that needs a slap", you'd think that TFC manager Ryan Nelsen may choose his words more carefully. But alas, the increasingly agitated Kiwi let fly last week that once TFC got rid of those pesky salary cap issues (that apparently no other MLS club has ever encountered) there would be "a few frightened teams" in MLS. Uh-huh. We waited for a snort or knowing smirk hoping that Nelsen was doing his best "Count Floyd" from SCTV ("Ooooh scary!") - but no - he seemed to believe himself. So exactly how does Count Twowinula plan to "frighten" MLS rivals?

11. Will sneak into Away Dressing Room before matches and chant Mo Johnston's name three times into the mirror

10. Full TFC coaching staff to roam the sidelines dressed as sexy, brooding vampires

9. Changing his pre-season prediction of TFC to be a "Shining Light" into simply "The Shining"

8. Revealing that all this time Andrew Wiedeman was actually a creepy old Estonian orphan!

7. Bitchy the Hawk replaced by flying sharks

6. Kevin Payne will reveal his true identity: Mad Austrian scientist Dr. Kristoff Pain!

5. Unveiling the club's new loan signing "An American Werewolf from Loftus Road"

4. "THAT'S NOT BUTTY!!!"

3. Handing out white sheets with eye-holes so that supporters' "booooooooos" immediately turn into "BOO!'s"

2. The long-rumoured 3-4 new signings are actually a Human Centipede

1. We are told that "the phone call came from... inside BMO Field!!!"


And... truly the most frightening video you will see today...

Damn Lando Calrissian - you're a scary and casual sonofabithch!