THE MATCHUP: Urruti or not, here we come

"I'll just wait here guys..." 

 

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

 

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

 

THE KICKABOUT:

Under the cloud of the "will he, won't he, when will he sign" Maxi Urruti drama, TFC make their final trip to the Ohio Riviera on Saturday to face their "Bitter Rivals (TM)". Not hot enough for ya? Well the fixture is also the decider for the trophy that even the trophy's mother couldn't love - The Trillium Cup. Oh yeeeeah!

 

Nothing really encapsulates the crudulence of this manufactured and sponsored silliness like an 8th place Crew hosting the 9th place TFC. Put it in a city that's not quite Cleveland and not quite Cincinnati, in a stadium that has a spontaneously combusting scoreboard and a stage and top it off with a mascot that is supposed to be a cat but looks like a rabid badger... and stir. (Confession: we love the filthy Crew Cat)

The good people at Scotts Turf must be dining out on the good press of sponsoring the biggest cup fixture since the 1971 Texaco Cup 3rd Round Preliminary Qualifier.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Dominic Oduro

TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba. Jonathan Osorio

 

THE ODDS:

- Urruti signing well before the match: 10-1

- Urruti signing in a cab on the way to Crew Stadium: 5-1

- Urruti signing for Crew: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?
Earlier this year, Crew Stadium was hit with embarrassing calamity as the ground's scoreboard caught fire (above), melting a giant hole into its face. Sadly, this was only one of many mini-disasters that wrought destruction upon the rapidly aging stadium this season. Apart from the fire there was the localized tornado that only struck the children's playground outside the stadium, massive flooding overwhelmed Crew Cat's litter box, riots and looting destroyed a corporate suite during the failed "Anti-Xenophobia Symposium" and of course box-office drought. The suspected earthquake near the chili-dog stand was later proven to be "Big Dave" from Section 102.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "IT'S A CREW, CREW SUMMER"

And... since it's Friday and if you squint your ears, you can ignore the soft "EL" at the end of "cruel".