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Monday, November 4, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Reasons gridiron lines are good for Major League Soccer


"Oh the huge manatees!" North American football purists - that's purists of football played in North America, not purists of North American football; football meaning football, not football - were all in an understandable tizzy this weekend. You see football fans, (football not football) a majority of MLS' showcase playoff matches - televised on national TV - featured pitches covered in NFL gridiron markings. While some shrug their shoulders at such stuff (heathens - go back to watching football) most football fans (you know which one) can't stand seeing their favourite sport visually vomited upon. However, there are some advantages to MLS' gridiron eyesores...

11. Each Clint Dempsey goal now counts as 7, immediately justifying his hefty contract

10. The wacky yellow penalty area totally looks like Q-Bert

9. "50-40-30-20-10!" is a handy guide to TFC attendance figures after the Toronto Argonauts move in

8. Portland Timbers now celebrate goals with "The Ickey Shuffle"

7. MLS' two Texan clubs can finally switch their nicknames to Rough Riders and Roughriders

6. Seattle fans now claim to have invented "soccer-football"

5. TFC are taking a serious look at adding Refrigerator Perry as a DP

4. Don Garber claims that field markings "prove that MLS is literally as big as the NFL"

3. You can get sweet 8-1 Vegas odds on San Diego Chargers to win the MLS Cup

2. MLS TV ratings soared over the weekend as drunken NFL fans tuned in accidentally then lost the remote control

1. Vertical lines are so slimming!

Goal Portland! A hat-tip to @kzknowles for her Marxist non-gridiron agenda. Here's Timber Joey celebrating a Maxi Urruti blast...

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