"Are you Toronto in disguise?" - An away day to England's "Canadian Club"

The BMO Field of Suffolk

 

For someone who exploits many a word on this site to bemoan the extreme weather conditions and rickety tin-can architecture that constitutes a BMO Field fixture, the irony of my away day was not lost. As the Easter Weekend wind and sleet whipped off of the nearby North Sea coast, I stifled chattering teeth long enough to allow a wry smile in the realization of what I had stumbled upon. If Canadian club football, specifically Toronto FC, has a lost spiritual twin it may very well reside at Portman Road - home to Ipswich Town FC.

　

Most of you reading this will have never been to Ipswich. The County Town of the idyllic and largely rural county of Suffolk in Southeastern England has perhaps seen better days, the same which can be said of its beloved local club "The Tractor Boys". That being said, both are doing their best to emerge from lean years while attempting regeneration amidst a community spirit around Town and town that seems fierce and proud. As Mick McCarthy led his squad out to face the once mighty Leeds United, I couldn't help but feel a kindred spirit with the Suffolk support - and not simply due to weather.

　

While I grew up on the terraces of a certain Premiership club two hours away in London, much of my football life has been shaped here in Canada. Like many Canadians (native or transplanted) of the 1980's and 1990's footy supporting variety, it wasn't hard to have a soft spot for Ipswich Town. A succession of Canadian National players excelled at Portman Road with Town becoming a beacon in those days when Canadians playing abroad was more rare than today. Arriving at Portman Road I expected this to be my little Canadian "insider" experience, possibly only important on this side of the pond - I was heartwarmingly incorrect.

THE STARTING 11: TV promos for the Canadian Championship Finals

The Halftime show has t-shirts and everything!



We love us a bit of the old NutCan. While the Canadian Championship may be a far cry from England's FA Cup (we kind of lack the 755 other clubs), it is our national equivalent and has usually been good fun. 2011 saw a change to a knockout format which has led to an exciting two-leg final between the two "best" clubs - Toronto and Vancouver. Fans of these teams and Canadian footy fanatics in general are very excited about the final which starts this Wednesday but broadcasters are still struggling to attract more casual viewers. Could these catchy taglines be just the promotion needed to get more eyes on our NutCan?
　
11. "It’s like Europa League... with donuts!"
　
10. "Two clubs. One dream. Economy class to Nicaragua."
　
9. "Now with 50% more Lenarduzzi!"
　
8. "Teitur Thordarsen vs. Aron Winter press conferences: Where the English language goes to die"
　
7. "You will obey the wishes of Craig Forrest... or else!"
　
6. "For the love of Stan Smyl... please watch"
　
5. "Because darts has been pre-empted"
　
4. "The Canadian Champion: Like being FIFA's tallest midget"
　
3. Stay tuned for the halftime extravaganza: Former TFC managers in a musical tribute to "The Human Centipede"
　
2. "So much better than the Latvian Football Cup"
　
1. You can't spell "great" without "aggregate"!

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Thirtyfünf - Who ist mein Secret Santa?

8 AM: Awoken by hausfrau using der vacüumen pipe und kitty kat best friend Karl-Heinz gently licking mein face. Sweet fuzzy dude! Must arise, expecting interrogation from Kanadian televsie journalistiche Jërry Daubsen und his sidekicken, Ipswich Town legend Craig Blackforrest. Must remember to mock Blackforrest without mercy about mein many fussball goals put past him in der Engerlander Liga.
　
8:30 AM: Breakfast: Two sunshine-facing-upwards eggs flanked dutifully by a squadron of Mörningwürst sausage und Baltic herring pate. Hunger vanquished und sent into retreat with blast of schokolade milk.
　
9:15 AM: Texten from FC Toronto Chancellor Herr Anselmi: Hey Jurgy, just tell those Sportsnet goofs what they need to hear. Say a coach before Christmas - they'll run with it! Watch out for Forrest - he used to play the soccer too. Just use that famous German charm. btw - MLSE Christmas Party - be there! Girls, gold, pandas, illegal acrobats, human hunting, games for kids, "The Adult Egg Nog Room" - we're drawing for Secret Santa later, let you know. Big A... Was ist der Secret Santa?
　
10 AM: Wunderbar! Mein Bavarian Advent Kälendar has arrived from mein Uncle Dieter in Paderborn! Ooh I love zie Advent Kälendar but so diffikult not to jump ahead! Ok, I treat myself to erste window... Super! It’s a mini pickle in hörseradish! German Kristmassen is der best!
　
11:30 AM: Exhaustische! Finish der interview with zie Daubsen und Blackforrest. They ask “when will TFC get a coach?” so I say “I played in 3 World Cüppen!". They say "what is the new TFC philosophy" und I say "I have Franz Beckenbauer on speed-dial". Daubsen asken "what about rumours that Earl Cochrane will be GM?" und I reply "Rudi Völler is terrific dancer". Craig Blackforrest attempts to get tough and asken "why things are moving slowly?" so I say "like you moved slowly when my Tottenhäms put so many goals past you in der Ipswich?" I gave them both die SoccerSolutions tank-top and informed them that interview has ceased to exist. Pleasant yet tiring Kanadians.
　
11:45 AM: Ok, ok, sekunde Advent Kälendar window... Verwunderlich! Der tiny panzer tank made completely mit marzipan! Mmm!
　
12:30 PM: Texten from Herr Anselmi: Yo Jurgy... you got Danny Dichio in Secret Santa. Maybe buy him a wig! LOL! OMFG! Was in der world is LOLOMFG?... Didn't Lolomfg play for Feyenoord in der 70's? Does Kanada have Nederlander heritage?
　
1 PM: Lunch: American tradition has succumbed to superior German occupation. Make the traditional Yankee hamburger but on der Kaiser Wilhelm roll mit delicious goose liver patty und topped with radish, pickled beets und hot Oktoberfest müstard. Now that ist der Hamburger SV! Das. Ist. Gut.
　
2:30 PM: Emailen der Earl of Cockrain und der JimmyBee. Asken if we should talk regarding der MajorLiga Fussball Re-Entering Draft. Earl of Cockrain says "nothing an 'interim' Director can't handle - hahahahahaha interim!!!" I am not understanding die joke from Cockrain. JimmyBee was occupied at hair sälon.
　
3:00 PM: Resistance is futile! One more Advent window... Rötten! Plain schokolade almonds. This kälendar has brought great shame to der holiday season.
　
3:15 PM: Disappointment from almonds is palpable. Must return to holiday spirit. Watch # 1 German holiday komedy filmen "Kris Kringle and der Eternal Struggle of the Union Movement in Post-Industrial Ruhr Valley" Ahh, ich liebe the classic kartoons.
　
6:45 PM: Oh mein Gott! Fell to sleep on my chesterfieldsofa during filmen! Had die strangest dream! Teddy Sheringham was dressed like Kris Kringle but with nicht pantaloons nor ünderpantaloons! He was doing das erotische dancing while stealing from mein Advent Kälendar. I yelled "No Teddy No - not mein festive nuts!" then he turned around und where his bälle should have been was instead face of Bastian Schweinsteiger! Then my father appears and says "Jürgen you have soiled der liederhosen". Why vater why? I awoke with a yell and scared poor Karl-Heinz.
　
7 PM: I am swearing, dis ist mein last visit to Advent Kälendar... Fabelhaft! Joy has returned to the holidays! I pulled out der crystallized marrowfat kandy kane! Yümmy!
　
7:45 PM: The Dinner: I feel terrible shame. My uncontrollable desire to open der Advent windows has made a pre-emptive strike on mein appetite. I can barely vanquish die third bratwürst link before surrendering. Mein eyes wurden bigger than mein belly.
　
8:30 PM: Do interweben shopping on German webbensite "Giftstheymustloveorelse". Bought great giften for Secret Santa Danny Dichio - der hilarious Rudi Völler wig and moustachen kit. I will use my konsültantwerk powers to make sure he wears it on FC Toronto bench.
　
8:45 PM: Erotische Zeit.
　
10:15 PM: Marrowfat kandy kane is in ferocious battle with mein intestinal tract. Take special Bavarian homeopathic mixture of minced garlic, potato skins, tripe und hot cocoa for mein belly und go to bed early. Snuggle mit Karl-Heinz until sleep.
　
3:20 AM: Aaaa-chtung!!! Another nightmare! Giant marzipan Craig Blackforrest saved mein penalty kick then had a cuddle mit mein father while thousands of Teddy Sheringhams danced in bikini in der stands! Must quit kandy habit.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No ex-Ipswich keeper was scored upon in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.