THE MATCHUP: Fly like an eagle

"CAW!"

 

TORONTO VS. D.C. UNITED

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET

TV: TSN

 

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Home opener. 20,000 wildly optimistic hosers in long underwear. Nuff said.

- Was last week at Seattle the real life - or was it just fantasy?

- Dwayne De Rosario LOVES burning his ex-clubs

- Two clubs that were awful in 2013 try to show MLS who made the most off-season improvement

- Tim Leiweke is going all Nuremberg during pre-match, addressing the assembled crowd. No doubt he will update us on his quest for Magic Invisible Turf Paint!

- Luis Silva and (possibly) Nana Attakora return to BMO Field

- After an (ongoing) awful winter - will the pitch be a bog?

- Halftime contest to choose this weekend's Jermain Defoe WAG!

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The 1812'er"

 

THE DUEL:

Michael Bradley vs. Luis Silva and/or

Jermain Defoe vs. Eddie Johnson

 

WHO ARE YA?

Part of last season's pre-game "ritual" was a truly disastrous and uninspiring effort to make Bitchy the Hawk into a thing. To a mundane rock soundtrack, our disinterested seagull-bothering Harris Hawk was flown out, then carried out, then just sort of briefly presented; all before maniacally attempting to escape her jailers, inevitably dangling sadly upside down in a flapping frenzy.

Not wanting anything to go wrong PR-wise at this season's big home opener, rumour has it that MLSE has hatched out a different bird opportunity for Saturday. In conjunction with the new Muppets movie and to honour our American capital visitors, the part of Bitchy the Hawk will be played by Jim Henson's "Sam the Eagle".

If "Sam the Eagle" is unavailable then Mick McCarthy will be playing the role.

 

WORTH A 1000 WORDS:



ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:

March 22, 2012: After being absent from the club without notice for 72 hours, TFC receives a call from Washington D.C. police notifying them that a drunken Miguel Aceval, Nick Soolsma and Luis Silva were found straddling the base of the Washington Monument giggling wildly.



THE MATCHUP: The stage is set

It's mostly cardboard



TORONTO VS. LOS ANGELES

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Three weeks after playing at the "Dome where ankles fear to tread", TFC finally hosts its true home opener on the grounds of MGM Presents: Exhibition Place & Casino" (Pending). With MLS now adopting the earlier start schedule, this may be our "new normal" but it will be good to be back at "our house" rather than living out of a football-suitcase.
　
What better way to christen BMO Field for 2013 than with MLS Cup Winners LA Galaxy. It is the official soccer stadium of "Hollywood North" anyways right? Despite the departure of international man-knicker peddler David Beckham, Galaxy are still a very strong side and will likely have a host of new DP's lined up very soon. The crowd may still be littered with screaming ladies who don't realize Becks is en Francais now but hey - they weren't going to come to see the set of Toronto-shot blockbuster Johnny Mnemonic were they?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Hollywood Norther"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Robert Earnshaw, Stefan Frei, Luis Silva
LOS ANGELES: Carlo Cudicini, Omar Gonzalez, Robbie Keane
　
THE ODDS:
The following sequels to Toronto-shot films being made:
- "Booty Call 2: Agbootymonde": 10-1
- "American Psycho III: Jacob Peterson's Business Card": 100-1
- "Harold & Kumar Go To the Playoffs": 1000-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Toronto is one of the busiest film and television production locales outside of Los Angeles and boasts the largest studio space apart from Hollywood. This fact wasn't lost on new TFC head coach Ryan Nelsen whose secret reason for rushing into management at Toronto is his desire to break into local film. The New Zealander has been working on a script for years now and it is a sequel to a film originally shot in Toronto. Nelsen's "Police Academy 8: Kiwis On Patrol" sees Mahoney, Jones, Hightower and the gang head to New Zealand to put a stop to an international sheep trafficking ring that is plaguing their city. Hilarity ensues.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"NELSEN'S CADETS BUMBLE"