2010 - nothing to LOL atIf you are reading this within earshot of Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment's downtown gold and diamond encrusted lair - those alarm bells are real. This is not a drill. For the first time, ML$E head honchos, who just happened to be hosting Major League Soccer bosses, witnessed a very sparsely attended BMO Field last night. The announced 10,000 attendance (but far lower in reality) may have been the canary in the coalmine for Tom Anselmi and the gang and no doubt the ML$E minions are scratching their heads, and Blackberrys, this morning.
“How could this be?” - they will ask. “What about the famed and marketable atmosphere?” “What about "This Is Our House"?” “What about... (breathless pause) SEASON TICKET RENEWALS!!!” (Silent scream) There will be some sober thoughts in dark corners of Castle ML$E (just to the left of the giant laser) - whispers of "did we really slay the golden goose?" Surely an urgent text exchange like the following couldn't be taking place between two code-named ML$E super-villains... could it?
T SALAMI: Yo Richie Rich - we got problemz at BMO - need ur help!!!
DICK_PEDDLAR: Whaassup!! Ur pansy-ass soccer boys falling over their shadows again? lol
T SALAMI: No! lolz - didn't you see the match?
DICK_PEDDLAR: Haha! U know I don't watch GrassLeafs or BasketLeafs!!! Why?
T SALAMI: Only 7K showed up! And we invited MLS bigwigs too!
DICK_PEDDLAR: What's MLS? : (
T SALAMI: Major League Soccer, Richie - Jesus!
DICK_PEDDLAR: That's a thing? Did u feed them Panda Caviar?
T SALAMI: Of course! But they were PO'd! They think MLS Cup in November will be a bust!
DICK_PEDDLAR: MLS Cup? That's a thing? Indoors right?
T SALAMI: No! Jeez RP - do you ever actually listen at board meetings? It's @ BMO!
DICK_PEDDLAR: LOLZ! OMFG! How will you get those loser Euros to buy tickets?
T SALAMI: We forced them onto 2011 season tix packs.
DICK_PEDDLAR: Ahhh! The old RaptorLeaf combo - brilliant!
T SALAMI: Thnx. But now I think they are revolting! EuroHosers seem smarter than HockeyHosers and BasketHosers! They may not renew!!! Didn't even mention seat licences to them yet! : (
DICK_PEDDLAR: You told us they were like LeafsNation - the teachers will not be happy... you told us you controlled those fan clubs... the U-Zone, North Siders and Red Shirt Club - what happened?
T SALAMI: You really don't watch do you? Dunno. Told them we'd bring MLS Cup to Toronto - guess they thought we meant with TFC playing in it - never said that! lol
DICK_PEDDLAR: You know what you have to do right? Numb the masses with promo junk and noise
T SALAMI: Operation: Soccer Mom?
DICK_PEDDLAR: Yup.
T SALAMI: But these fans are different...
DICK_PEDDLAR: Pfft! lol. This is Toronto - feed them pudding. The new uniforms coming soon?
T SALAMI: Check
DICK_PEDDLAR: Gonna make that dude with the haircut the new GM... John Brannon?
T SALAMI: Jim Brennan. Check
DICK_PEDDLAR: What else you got?
T SALAMI: Naming the north seats "The Danny Dichio Stand"
DICK_PEDDLAR: What's a Dichio? Not that guy on that Ontario Power commercial is it?
T SALAMI: Nevermind. What do you think about Thundersticks?
DICK_PEDDLAR: Gold
T SALAMI: Working on a fuzzy dog mascot named "StrikerPup"
DICK_PEDDLAR: Now you're cooking. Cheerleaders?
T SALAMI: Check. TFC SoccerDancers auditions in December. Missing anything else?
DICK_PEDDLAR: What about that Pele guy? Does he still play? He's a good soccerer no?
T SALAMI: Umm - I'll get the scouting department on it.
DICK_PEDDLAR: You have a scouting department?
T SALAMI: An intern and that old VHS from Maple Leaf Gardens lol
DICK_PEDDLAR: Good enuff. Don't sweat big man - you'll have BMO full of soccer moms and girls teams in no time. Hey - how bout TFC Red Shirley Temples for sale!
T SALAMI: Hmm - could work. You still have the Argos on speed-dial?
DICK_PEDDLAR: Duh! lolz! : ) 30,000 expansion for the FC's? Unlikely!!! btw - told you not to fire that Mo Jackson guy - all the heats on you now
T SALAMI: Johnston. Yeah - he was good for that. : ( Gotta go - gonna teach our Scarborough superstar a thing or two on sports radio - lol
DICK_PEDDLAR: Sweet - going to eat some panda - All For One! Hahahahahaha!!!
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lol indeed - but not lol if they really do hire Jim Brennan as GM. I would eat my hat - then give away my season tickets forever.
ReplyDeleteI've already canceled my 4 seats and will support from the pub....or, on occasion, through the "cheaper than the box" guys outside the stadium.
ReplyDeleteENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Why do I have an awful feeling that the chat is'nt as fake as you meant it to be? I think we all could think it can happen. I all ready hate Striker Pup!
ReplyDelete- Dan
Sadly, I predict they'll still get enough renewals to offer a crappy product for many years to come.
ReplyDeleteLove it. I can't help but feel it's unnervingly real though.
ReplyDeleteHa! John Brannon! Is it me or is the Jim Brennan as next GM thing slowly picking up steam? Anyone else think he would be a bigger disaster than Mo himself?
ReplyDelete