" Mmm... the fragrance of hopes and dreams up in smoke"SEATTLE SOUNDERS (7th) VS. TORONTO FC (10th)
Qwest Field - Saturday 3:30PM ET
TV: CBC
There has been a whole whack of "The Matchup" issues since April of this year. While we strive to bring you the strangest of all Toronto FC match previews on the market - even a D-list, very local (my office) celebrity football blogger can get beat-down by mediocrity. The season is over in all competitions (I don't want to hear about math) so we thought we'd hand over the keys to "The Matchup" to a responsible figure. We asked if a member of the ML$E Board would ghost write the preview for us and while we cannot confirm or deny his ML$E connection, his breath did smell of money, virgins and the blood of the poor. Enjoy!
“Yes. Hello. Or... Hola, Ciao... whatever you immigrant soccer people say. Look I don't have a lot of time for this. The contractor is coming by to fix the Giant Laser and there's a shipment of panda-meat coming in on a gold-plated Concorde in 10 minutes. The FC's isn't something I know anything about. They make wads of dough, their fans keep coming back and like being on commercials - and, the GrassLeafs cost way less in salary than the real important Leafs.
What I don't understand is why Seattle has FC after their name too? Can't we sue for that? The FC's is our nickname! I don't understand - must be some kind of European thing. And shouldn't it be SC? It's called soccer douches - football is a real man's sport played in the NFL... and I guess the Argos, when they move to BMO. Oh... can we erase that last line? Whatever, enjoy watching your Latinos dive against Seattle's Latinos. I've got Leafs preseason to attend, and unicorn DNA to procure.”
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Derby? Is this a horse race? Immigrants."
SEATTLE'S BEST: “Christ, I don't know... Frasier, Kurt Cobain... who cares?”
PENSION PLAN: “Umm... Dave De Romario, Julio Guzman, Steven Fry... are those things?”
THE ODDS:
- “One single tear being shed by MLSE no matter how many protests, signs and chants the FC fan clubs do": 5000-1
- “The FC's still announcing a 95%+ season ticket renewal... no matter what": 2-1
- “MLS Cup attendance assured by promise of free beer, Danny Dichio Bobbleheads and Scotts' Girls in bikinis... in November! Hahahahaha!”: 2-1
WHO ARE YA?
- “Someone told me that these Seattle Sounders are only in their second year and have made the playoffs in both and have won a cup - what gives? Haven't they heard of multiple 5 Year Plans?”
- “Apparently soccer is actually a popular game in other parts of the world. You know what's wrong with other parts of the world? Full of foreigners.”
- “Seattle and the Washington State area is a great region for rare Sasquatch blood - always a big fave at the MLSE Christmas Party."
SOUVENIR KURT COBAIN DNA (Which I own) SAYS: “3-1 Seattle”
THE CITY OF TORONTO (Which I also own) SAYS: “2-2 Tie - Is there a shoot-out?”
HEADLINE: "FC: STANDS FOR FOREIGN...."
Okay, okay - we will stop the billionaire ghost writer there. We thank him for taking a break from important financial meetings / sucking the life-force from nubile blondes.
Qwest Field - Saturday 3:30PM ET
TV: CBC
There has been a whole whack of "The Matchup" issues since April of this year. While we strive to bring you the strangest of all Toronto FC match previews on the market - even a D-list, very local (my office) celebrity football blogger can get beat-down by mediocrity. The season is over in all competitions (I don't want to hear about math) so we thought we'd hand over the keys to "The Matchup" to a responsible figure. We asked if a member of the ML$E Board would ghost write the preview for us and while we cannot confirm or deny his ML$E connection, his breath did smell of money, virgins and the blood of the poor. Enjoy!
“Yes. Hello. Or... Hola, Ciao... whatever you immigrant soccer people say. Look I don't have a lot of time for this. The contractor is coming by to fix the Giant Laser and there's a shipment of panda-meat coming in on a gold-plated Concorde in 10 minutes. The FC's isn't something I know anything about. They make wads of dough, their fans keep coming back and like being on commercials - and, the GrassLeafs cost way less in salary than the real important Leafs.
What I don't understand is why Seattle has FC after their name too? Can't we sue for that? The FC's is our nickname! I don't understand - must be some kind of European thing. And shouldn't it be SC? It's called soccer douches - football is a real man's sport played in the NFL... and I guess the Argos, when they move to BMO. Oh... can we erase that last line? Whatever, enjoy watching your Latinos dive against Seattle's Latinos. I've got Leafs preseason to attend, and unicorn DNA to procure.”
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Derby? Is this a horse race? Immigrants."
SEATTLE'S BEST: “Christ, I don't know... Frasier, Kurt Cobain... who cares?”
PENSION PLAN: “Umm... Dave De Romario, Julio Guzman, Steven Fry... are those things?”
THE ODDS:
- “One single tear being shed by MLSE no matter how many protests, signs and chants the FC fan clubs do": 5000-1
- “The FC's still announcing a 95%+ season ticket renewal... no matter what": 2-1
- “MLS Cup attendance assured by promise of free beer, Danny Dichio Bobbleheads and Scotts' Girls in bikinis... in November! Hahahahaha!”: 2-1
WHO ARE YA?
- “Someone told me that these Seattle Sounders are only in their second year and have made the playoffs in both and have won a cup - what gives? Haven't they heard of multiple 5 Year Plans?”
- “Apparently soccer is actually a popular game in other parts of the world. You know what's wrong with other parts of the world? Full of foreigners.”
- “Seattle and the Washington State area is a great region for rare Sasquatch blood - always a big fave at the MLSE Christmas Party."
SOUVENIR KURT COBAIN DNA (Which I own) SAYS: “3-1 Seattle”
THE CITY OF TORONTO (Which I also own) SAYS: “2-2 Tie - Is there a shoot-out?”
HEADLINE: "FC: STANDS FOR FOREIGN...."
Okay, okay - we will stop the billionaire ghost writer there. We thank him for taking a break from important financial meetings / sucking the life-force from nubile blondes.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment