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Friday, November 5, 2010

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Ein - What is this Bee Mow?

6:30 AM: Christus! Das Canadians keep calling me to fix their fussball! Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto, is crying that der MLS Cup will be empty if I do not signing up schnell today! I will call later. Now is the time for sleeping.
7:30 AM: Breakfast: Successfully eliminated bratwürst from der plate. Very furious when runny egg attempts to invade sausage region. Morning has become tiresome.
10 AM: Englisch lessons. I am thinking my England speaking is very well. Teddy Sheringham taught me how to say ladies' front-buttocks area in ten different ways in 1995. Teacher says I sound too stern. I ask him to leave my dwelling permanently and with haste.
11 AM: Herr Anselmi is ringing the telefon again. Oh mein Gott! Relax, don't do it man! He sounds very upset. Wants me to go to a Bee Mow? Was ist das Bee Mow? I am thinking a Canadian house of bumblebee torture? I will return call soon. Now is the time for listening to "Kraftwerk: Live in Wuppertal"
12 PM: Have sent agreement of Konsültantcy to FC Toronto. Herr Anselmi wept in joy. I thought he said "das teachers won't kill me now" but I don't speak guten Canadian yet. I ask him if I should sign a new Direktor of Fussball but he just laughed and said "whatever Hans".
1 PM: Lunch: Orchestrate the successful landing of Knackwürst onto München rye. Hunger eliminated. The strudel has angered me and shall be no more.
3 PM: Am watching FC Toronto versus District of Columbia United... what have I done?
3:05 PM: Call Herr Anselmi to resign. He does not pick up telefon. Schiesse!
5 PM: Watched # 1 Hollywood television show “Knight Rider” mit great David Hasselhoffenheim. Stress has been banished. Snuggling with my cat Karl-Heinz.
7 PM: Planning for trip to Toronto, Kanada soon. Want to see der CN Tower, watching the eis hockey cup und mocking Canadian Pilsner. Must fly via Luft Kanada Airlines - much like Lufthansa but severe lack of Black Forest Cake und Lowenbrau. Not cool funky dude!
8 PM: The Dinner: Why must this schnitzel play with my emotions? How dare this sauerkraut even use the word "Bavarian" on der label?! The potato salat is refreshing.
9:30 PM: Googled "FC Toronto 2007-2010". My emotions have become dark like the night.
9:32 PM: Try to call Herr Anselmi to resign. Story already publische in Toronto newspaper. Schiesse!
10 PM: Erotische zeit.
11 PM: This day has become tiresome. Now is the time for sleeping. I am haunted by the image of Canadian bumblebee torture facilities. Karl-Heinz ist ein special creature.
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No strudel was harmed in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.


  1. You mein herr have topped yourself. Best fake German diary EVER!!!!

  2. That made my day....kinda :P