THE MATCHUP: White House Downer

"President Mitchell? What an honour!"

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO
　
RFK STADIUM - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Well this one puts the cellar in dweller. If you could field two clubs deeper in the muck they would have to be C.H.U.D.S. as 10th place United host your 9th place Eff Cees. Why Washington D.C. hasn't seen this much bottom of the table action since the days of randy interns. Monica Lewinsky! Topical!
　
We're here 'til 9:30PM on Saturday - try the chicken.
　
When you think about it, D.C. and T.O. are practically twin cities - we have both had De Ro's, Kevin Payneseses, CrackMayors (TM) and both are the capital city of a great nation. Samesies! Also shared - crappy 2013 MLS seasons. But something has to break on Saturday right? A dinged up (again) TFC who still suffer from road-win allergies against a United club that gives away goals like visiting clubs are lobbyists. Politics! Topical!
　
0-0 then?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"We Share Your Payne Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
D.C. UNITED: Nick DeLeon, Dwayne De Rosario, Bill Hamid,
TORONTO: Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC kits being taken away for DNA testing on stains: 5-1
- Kevin Payne proclaiming "I have not had contractual relations with that player: 10-1
- Terry Dunfield playing sax on the Arsenio Hall Show: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Often when North American sports teams visit Washington D.C. they get an audience with the President of the United States. Of course you usually need a trophy to garner an invitation... so Toronto FC? Not so much. Instead, TFC are being granted the honour of an audience with Kevin Kline's stunt double from the 1993 hit film "Dave" where Kline played a "double" of the President. Team captain Darren O'Dea will present the man who played the President double's stunt double with a team shirt to be later sent to Kevin Kline by Kevin Kline's stunt double. A true honour.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TERRIBLE MATCH LEADS TO DISSOLUTION OF NAFTA AGREEMENT"