THE STARTING 11: TFC Oscars Introductions

 

What is the only thing longer than sitting through one of TFC's "Five Year Plans"? The Academy Awards ceremony. The annual homage to Hollywood's finest (except the shameful ignorance towards Scott Baio's 1982 opus "Zapped!") usually runs for about 30 hours, testing the most dedicated viewer. A bit like 2013 at BMO Field. Much of the time is wasted with long-winded, overly-descriptive nominee introductions. Things would be so much better if the Oscars rewarded a real drama... Toronto FC.

11. "A mouthy business genius spirals out of control as he flirts with a CFL team and enters the high-stakes financial world of non-existent turf-paint-remover... Best Picture nominee... "The Bull of Bay Street"

10. "The harrowing tale of a club with out of this world expectations that faces disaster when they are forced to play their bench strikers. Dreams come crashing down to Earth in... "Gravity"

9. "Performing the nominated Best Original Song "The MLS Anthem"... ladies and gentlemen... Drake!"

8. "A story of desperation as out-of-depth general managers only have one place to send their unwanted Hasslis and de Guzmans... this is... "FC Dallas DP Buyers Club"

7. "One man fights off all-comers to his position and attempts to keep his unexplained job for life afloat in... "Captain Brennan"

6. "The animated adventures of a super villain bent on destroying any club that will re-employ him... "Despicable Mo 2"

5. "Nominee for Best Costume Design: The person who can fit the most maple leafs on a single shirt!"

4. "This futuristic drama chronicles a lonely man who befriends his advanced computer operating system only to have it unexpectedly headbutt him... this is... "Orr"

3. "A heart-warming journey as a club searches for the long-lost son they didn't mean to give away... "PhiloDeRo"

2. "Based on a true story, the dramatic re-telling of a Canadian club's snatching of the USA's best player, Michael Bradley... ladies and gentlemen... "American Hustle"

1. "Harrowing. Painful to watch. Many had to look away. The challenging tale of torture and degradation... of Toronto FC supporters since 2007... "7 Years a Shame"  

THE STARTING 11: TFC Oscars introductions

Equals the amount of signed TFC players



There are few things as agonizingly long to sit through than a Toronto FC "re-building" process - one of those things may be the Academy Awards. Staying awake through the grueling Oscars ceremony could test the most seasoned veteran of the Five Year Plan (TM). Or even the next Five Year Plan (TM) (Coming to a stadium near you: March 2014). Perhaps Toronto FC, with their scandals, bloated budgets and production delays, and the film industry isn’t all that different after all. We couldn't help but wonder how some of last night's nominees would have been introduced differently if Seth MacFarlane - the inexperienced hosting rookie hired only on a hunch and personality potential - was instead Ryan Nelsen (ahem) and his cohorts from TFC Pictures...
　
11: "The story of Collin Samuel's arduous career journey, trapped with only baked goods for company... this is… "Life of Pie"
　
10. "A whimsical animated tale of a stadium bird frozen to her perch only to be brought back to life by mid-summer lightning... "FrankenBitchy"
　
9. "Part of a mystical trilogy that transfers the wonderful worlds of Canada, Ecuador and er... Utah... "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Joao Plata Trade"
　
8 "A gripping and harrowing tale of hope in the midst of disaster as we follow a group of people seeking a TFC 2013 Playoff appearance.... ladies and gentlemen.... "The Impossible"
　
7. "The uplifting story of a man trying to get tactics right while surrounded by years of mental illness... "Shining Light Playbook"
　
6. "An older gentleman's promise to find a striker by "looking almost exclusively south" turns into a fruitless and frustrating journey in..."Django Unsigned"
　
5. Ladies and gentleman, performing the theme song to Toronto FC's Opening Day match at Rogers Centre, this is Adele singing... "SkyFail"
　
4. "In the midst of a revolution, a Frenchman struggles to break free of his chains and the tyranny oppressing him (and his wife)... please welcome the star of "Les Miserables"... Eric Hassli
　
3. "After hiding out in a Canadian bunker (Rogers Centre) this rag-tag bunch attempt to make their long-rumoured escape to freedom and a new home... Best Picture nominee... "Argo to BMO Field"
　
2. "And the Oscar for Best Shorts Film... 'Paul Mariner'!"
　
1. "A minute-by-minute chronicle of a mission doomed to failure from the start - Toronto FC's First Kick in Vancouver is brought to life in Eastern Standard Time... "Zero Dark Six Thirty"

THE STARTING 11: Ways The Oscars would have differed if TFC produced the show

First of all, these statues should be in a 4-3-3



We know that many of our readers were far more likely to be watching highlights of Toronto FC vs. Orlando City on an eternal online loop, but for some, the biggest show of the weekend took place last night. Yes, the biggest thing to hit Hollywood since Chad Barrett, the annual Academy Awards, was held on Sunday with all the usual glitz and glamour in tow. Personally I will never forgive The Academy for shunning Scott Baio's 1982 classic "Zapped" but you know... it's all too political. While watching the televisual NyQuil that was the Billy Crystal helmed Oscars, we couldn't help but wonder how it would be different if TFC were producing the show...



11. "Bridesmaids" actually turns out to be a documentary about Toronto FC's playoff history

　

10. Award winners are escorted off-stage by Scotts' Turf Girls

　

9. Despite critical acclaim, "Tinker Tailor Keeper Frei" fails to win a single award

　

8. Cirque Du Soleil's artistic interlude replaced by non-union Quebecois circus performers kicking footballs at Pizza Pizza boxes

　

7. "The Dichio Song" wins for Best Original Score

　

6. Instead of the Best Short category split between "Animated" and "Live Action", now divided into "Ecuadorian" and "Bermudian"
　

5. Show features 57 minute long homage to 1970's Dutch cinema

　

4. Dog from "The Artist" attacked from above by "Bitchy the Hawk"
　
3. Best Foreign Language award mistakenly given to a clip of an Aron Winter press conference in English
　
2. Controversial Collin Samuel nip-slip
　
1. Best Supporting Butty

There is no justice...