THE STARTING 11: New TFC GM qualifications

"Did someone say two candidates?"

 

MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke took his message of love and demands of submission to his subjects at yesterday's TFC Season Ticket Holder BBQ/"Oh Look a Hawk, let's not talk about Portlandapalooza". While talking great spin about never talking about doing spin, Leiweke did mention that his search for Kevin Payne's replacement is progressing rapidly. Apparently TFC is down to a shortlist of two with resolution not far off. It's a tough decision but what qualifications are needed to fill football's biggest job opportunity since the hiring of the new Barcelona Head (of janitorial services)?

11. Someone who can proudly expound the virtues of the clubs "All For One" motto... without giggling

10. A person not affected by the XXX video evidence of MLSE pagan rituals owned by Reggie Lambe which is the only possible explanation of the employment of Reggie Lambe

9. A professional with deep connections to continue enhancing the already lucrative pipeline into the English lower division loan market

8. A candidate who is willing to honour Jim Brennan's 75-Year Guaranteed Employment Contract

7. An Australian... just to watch Ryan Nelsen lose it every day

6. Somebody that knows how to build a team for long-term success... on artificial turf

5. A well-spoken person who can express in four simple words that supporters "need to be suitably prepared to accept and be silent towards the inevitable annual repetition of short-sighted corporate greed"

4. A real "numbers guy" i.e. someone that can tell the difference between a 5-Year Plan and a 10-Year Plan

3. None of the applicants named Beau Johnston, Mo Jackson, Maurice St. Johnstone or Moe Jetson

2. A capologist/crapologist

1. An individual that understands that at Toronto FC winning comes first... well after profits; promotional endeavours; advertisers; Heritage Nights; CFL Stadium re-designs; false DP rumours; Bitchy the Hawk; TFC TV; pyrotechnics; thundersticks; and, ticket renewals. But after that - winning comes first!

I've got the brains, you've got the looks

Let's make lots of money

You've got the brawn, I've got the brains

I'm Tim Leiweke



Toronto FC Manager Introduction VIII: A Manager Too Far

"So you want a manager? I've got a deal for ya"

It seems like just yesterday we were gathered round the old wireless to meet the fearless new leader of our hometown Eff Cee's. Comforting and inspiring words like "change" "winning culture" and "positive atmosphere" still waft on the breeze between the BMO Field Press Room and the chip butty stand. Why it's almost become a treasured tradition in our corner of the football world - the Toronto FC Managerial Change (TM)... insert angel harps... now!
　
The Japanese managerial mutant monster that is Mocarvercumreki-Dasowintiner has been dispatched into the depths of Lake Ontario by the cold, steely ray gun of Kevin Payne and a new hero is set to be unleashed. No, it ain't Mothra - it's a giant Kiwi in the form of Ryan Nelsen. With a good solid few days past since his playing career ended, the most rookiest of all our rookie managers was unveiled today. Now we know that a full text transcript of a press conference is what you sadists crave - but you'll just have to do with our highlights and suffer through the linked TFC TV coverage later. Save us MegaKiwi!
　
Here's all you really need to know (now in handy point-form)
　
- Ryan Nelsen introduced as new head coach and Fran O'Leary as his assistant and also something called "Director of Recruitment"
- Kevin Payne calls it a "new era"; claims that Ryan Nelsen has "better leadership qualities than any professional athlete (Payne) has ever been around"; paints Nelsen as some type of childhood managerial prodigy who was born to coach
- Ryan Nelsen calls TFC's support and management "a shining light"
- Does indeed sound like a Flight of the Conchords character
- Fran O'Leary loves to call Nelsen "Nelly" a lot
- Kevin Payne asked if there were other candidates. Answer: "No."; He also apparently keeps a mental filing cabinet; Payne adds that Nelsen and him have discussed this move for 10 years.
- Nelsen claims tactics will match "the shining light" of TFC (sounding a bit culty). Team will "never give up, never fall over, never die.
- Ryan Nelsen is still under contract with QPR
- Wait?... What was that?
- KA-PLOOOOOOOEY!!!!!!!!!
- Everything else becomes random mumbling for the remainder of the conference as everyone tries to digest the fact that Toronto FC have hired the first ever Player/Manager who just happens to play for another team. In another league. On another continent.
- Shining light.
　
So there you have it. What will truly go down as the absolute strangest of all eight of TFC's managerial coronations. A very personable and optimistic young new manager backed by an extremely assured president. The fact that the new manager can't, you know... be with the team until Uncle 'Arry Redknapp says so... are just minor details.

No we are not down on this deal (honest), we are not pining for Paul Mariner (really honest)... but wow. Slow clap to TFC for taking the cray-cray to new heights. We'll talk more about this when our collective heads stop shaking.
　
Catch the weirdest conference ever on TFC TV here...

ML$E Job Fair: Apply Within

That clicking sound echoing down Bay Street is likely emanating from the hallowed marble and platinum halls of the Maple Leaf $ports & "Entertainment" head office. Dozens of interns and partially trained monkeys are feverishly pounding their keyboards on Workopolis and Craigslist, sorting through the replies to the ad their bosses placed.
　
General Manager - FT - local soccer team - experience not necessary...
　
Yes, the men who have brought you such boardroom big-hitters as Rob Babcock and John Ferguson Jr. are poised to name the successor to Mo Johnston as Toronto FC's Director of Football but what do they have in mind? Based on ML$E's track record, the hiring should go one of four ways - but what kind of candidate will snag the best job at Exhibition Place (apart from the guy who makes the fried butter)?
　
INTERNATIONAL MANAGER WITH PEDIGREE:
RUMOURS: Carlos Queiroz, Jurgen Klinsmann, Ciro Ferrara
THE PROS:
- A big name to attract a higher calibre of foreign player
- New ideas and tactics different from other MLS clubs
- Not connected with the previous drama of TFC and ML$E
THE CONS:
- Unfamiliar with the complexities of MLS caps, squads and systems
- An expectation to change the club to fit their mould
- A possible lack of patience with ML$E's low expectations
ML$E SPIN: Shows the club's dedication to being a major force
WHY LIKELY: TFC/ ML$E needs a major PR coup
WHY UNLIKELY: It will cost a lot - something ML$E hates

THE ODDS: 500-1
　
MLS EXECUTIVE WITH PROMISE
RUMOURS: Paul Mariner, Steve Nicol, Domenic Kinnear
THE PROS:
- Experience with the odd world of MLS club structure
- Building a club with low financial backing but high expectations
- Aware of the circus history of Toronto FC's first four years

THE CONS:

- Best available people already tied to clubs

- Possible reliance on outdated defensive MLS tactics

- Difficulty dealing with higher level of media and public scrutiny
ML$E SPIN: The most qualified and experienced man for the job
WHY LIKELY: It's the right move
WHY UNLIKELY: It's the right move

THE ODDS: 50-1

Mariner and Nicol. Too much sense. Next

THE CANADIAN BRAINTRUST
RUMOURS: An All-Canuck combo featuring three or more of the likes of Earl Cochrane, Jim Brennan, Jason De Vos, Paul James, (enter random Canadian here)
THE PROS:
- Understand the club and the ownership right away
- An easy way to increase staff levels immediately
- A simple transition for returning players
THE CONS:
- No real professional club experience
- Will have little clout to face off with ML$E bosses
- Committee GM's don't ever succeed
ML$E SPIN: Helping to improve TFC and all of Canadian soccer
WHY LIKELY: A simple yet fairly uncontroversial move
WHY UNLIKELY: Hard to fire three guys next July

THE ODDS: 5-1
　
JIMMY BRENNAN
RUMOURS: Jimmy Brennan
THE PROS:
- Possible remaining connections in England from career
- Close ties to Canada Soccer
- Very few else. (Haircut?)
THE CONS:
- A continuation of the dubiously cozy First Wave Agency relationship
- The direct descendant of his professor, Mo Johnston
- Absolutely no superiors or mentors in the club to get advice from
ML$E SPIN: All hail the first Canadian GM - Mr.TFC!
WHY LIKELY: Easy, very, very cheap and press friendly
WHY UNLIKELY: Won't help sell season tickets

THE ODDS: Evens

"Barry is # 1 on speed dial Jim"