THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC plan to ring in the New Year

Oh let's just all pretend shall we?

2014... the year we make contact. With the playoffs. Possibly. Maybe. Oh, who knows.

Yes, four years after Roy Scheider, John Lithgow and some possibly Russian actors orbited Jupiter (we're up on the movies that the kids on the streetz like), we rocket into a new year full of promise and hope. Is this the year that the post-season monolith ("2010" joke. So hot right now!) is scaled by The Reds? Time will tell but first they have to get their house in order and maybe even make time for one last celebration to bid farewell to a dreadful 2013.

11. Set up a fancy, teetering tower of champagne glasses. Keep Bright Dike away from fancy, teetering tower of champagne glasses.

10. Turn a blind eye as a drunken Kevin Payne walks around BMO Field dressed as Baby New Year

9. Countdown the last 10 seconds of the year as Bitchy the Hawk flails maniacally down a pole

8. Complete the installation of gold and ivory fittings into Jermain Defoe's eight new club-expensed Toronto-area mansions; fuel his fleet of brand new private jets; and, wash and bathe the region's Top 100 glamour models in rosewater and lavender in preparation for his arrival. (# 8 courtesy of the fine men and women of the British tabloid press)

7. Promote Jim Brennan to Regional Assistant to the Vice President of Auld Lang Syne

6. Get Drake to perform at MLSE New Year's bash. Immediately put him back into frozen carbonite afterwards until transfer window re-opens.

5. Hold massive fireworks show at 12:01AM by using all of the leftover BMO Field 2013 post-goal celebration pyrotechnics

4. Listen quietly as Tim Leiweke makes vociferous promise to give up making promises as his New Year's resolution

3. Order new 2014 desk calendars for the TFC front office. Save money by only getting Ryan Nelsen one that goes until June.

2. Ask the Argos for a slow dance

1. Work out the exact date in 2019 when the next 5-Year Plan expires

HAPPY NEW YEAR ERRY'BODY!

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
You know... like Jacob Peterson.



 

ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO
LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE

 

 

New Year's Evolution - Individual progress needed in quest for club success

Sadly, that calendar is from 2007

Stockings have been unhung from the chimney with little care. That "handsome" sweater your aunt gave you is tossed in a ball deep, deep in your closet. The tin of Quality Street chocolates is now little more than a Quality Cul-de-Sac inhabited only by the chewy toffees that no one wants. Yes, Christmas is over - get used to it.

With the season of carefully kept gift receipts now a bloated, gravy-stained memory, we can look ahead to the new year - 2014! No, still nothing on the flying car or monkey-butler fronts but a year that more Toronto FC supporters than usual look towards with hope of some reasonable success.

Two Tims and a Kiwi have been doing some seemingly decent work so far, re-tooling the woeful 2013 TFC model but much will have to click into place before the parade route is mapped out. While football is at its core an expression of teamwork leading to overall success, it is also an environment where individual skills can add to the sum of a team's parts.

TFC has often been a club where individual skills are wasted amongst inferior teammates or relied upon too heavily to overcome said weaknesses. Going into 2014 however, individual improvements will need to take place if the greater good - the club as a unit - is to succeed. We take a look at the areas we think each current Red needs to resolve to improve before being replaced by a monkey-midfielder.

GOALKEEPERS:

JOE BENDIK: Ball distribution. The one area we feel that rival Stefan Frei was much better at. Stop relying on the "close your eyes and boot it hard" theory and look for options. Also... stick with the all-green "Super Pickle" kit please and thank you.

CHRIS KONOPKA: Work on your sitting and hearty clapping from the bench. If Frei couldn't dislodge Bendik, Konopka's appearances should be limited to Canadian Cup Semis and the mid-season friendly against (insert multiculturally appealing club here)

QUILLAN ROBERTS: Get your ass out on loan.