AFTER 90: In the year 2019

On the heels of MLSE's momentous BMO Field expansion announcement earlier this week, we thought we'd treat you dear reader to a glimpse into the future. The future you say? Yes - the future. All the way to the year 2019.

Using science and stuff. Math we guess? Sure... math. We bring you this match report as Toronto Ford Motors FC host Portland Timbers on September 27, 2019 in a crucial match as TFMFC strive for their first ever playoff appearance. To the future action!

TORONTO FORD MOTORS FC VS. 
PORTLAND TIMBERS

MICHAEL CLEMONS FIELD at FORD PLACE

1' - A blustery day. The canopy over our usual Sokoloff Lawyers Present The South Stand has once again failed to keep the rain out jamming the folding metal benches that make up our removable Tim Hortons' Supporters Family Fun Zone Section. We have been relocated to the East Side Mario's East Side Stand upper level. Not too shabby considering the reasonable $350.00 ticket face price per match.

5' - Slow start for The Reds under new first-time manager Danny Koevermans installed last week after Terry Dunfield's reign came to an end after 5 tumultuous weeks.

12' - Jermain Defoe goes close in his first game back with TFMFC. The 36-year old of course left in 2014 to sign with QPR. After further stints with West Ham, Bournemouth, Portsmouth and Barnet, Defoe returns and claims to be fully committed.

18' - A moment of silence for "Butchy the Hawk" after last week's unfortunate laser incident.

21' - These $18 Becel Presents Chip Buttys aren't too shabby.

25' - Six-year veteran Dominic Oduro tries to run onto a pass but continues to run through the empty Clearasil Completely Clear North Plaza (preserved for CFL end zones) and crashes head first into the Food Building.

31' - A roar of excitement as Mayor Mikey Ford is shown on the scoreboard.

37' - Portland's 30-goal scorer Maxi Urruti looking dangerous.

38' - Portland's 40-goal scorer Gilberto looking dangerous.

44' - Captain Nick Hagglund warned after arguing disallowed goal with Head of MLS Referees Dave Gantar.

45'- Match halted as stadium's primary tenant the Toronto Argonauts run onto field and proceed to give wedgies to the soccer players until they leave the playing area. Match called off and Portland are given the 3 points in default thus eliminating TFMFC from the 30-team MLS Playoffs once again.

FULL TIME:

TORONTO ARGONAUTS 21
HALIFAX ROUGH RIDERS 27

AFTER 90: Five Minutes of Madness

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

Absolutely lifeless for 85 minutes.







Then this guy...

Then this guy...

Ugly.

Resurrected.
Robbed.

CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 1

AFTER 90: Yo homes, smell ya later!

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

We apologize for the absence of tonight's post-match report. Sadly, we are suffering from chronic re-occurring writer's block and have flown back to London, England to seek further care. We have it on good advice that flying back-and-forth across the Atlantic is a cure to most ills.

You may have read rumours in tabloid newspapers that we were about to start a new blog called "The Loftusies" - a completely unnecessary QPR site but there is no agreement in place. At least until January. We remain 100% committed to this site and our teammates in the local "negative cesspool" that are TFC blogs and we will be back.  As for tonight - let's guess at 2-1 Philadelphia. Why not?

Off to an Essex nightclub to do more re-hab. See you later this week at an emotional reunion! Deffo.

The Yorkies

AFTER 90: Big Gulp

From Ohio With Love



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM

FIRST HALF:
1' - A beautiful evening in Central Ohio as the rivalry between Crew and TFC continues. What better way to celebrate the Trillium Cup glory than with a big jug of refreshing imported Ohio drinking water! Down in one!
3' - I don't feel so hot...
4' - Oh God... BACK IN A BIT!!!

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43' - GOAL: Toronto - Gilberto calmly slots one home to give TFC the lead! Suddenly feeling better!
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 1

45'+ - PENALTY - Referee calls a handball on Justin Morrow in the Columbus area. Federico Higuain steps up and GOAL past Joe Bendik. Here comes the Toledo water again!
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:
46' - Damn you Toledo water. Baldomero is now the second worse thing named Toledo!
47' - Jesus Andy Travis save me!

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.

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53' - YELLOW: Doneil Henry. GREEN: Ohio water.

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59' - GOAL: Jonathan Osorio cleans up a Luke Moore dribble/fumble. Solid. Like this water.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 2

61' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Jackson ON

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78' - Lake Erie, you horrid algae-producing swamp...

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81' - GOAL: A long looping ball from Justin Meram is misjudged by Doneil Henry which confuses Joe Bendik. A farcical equalizer.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 2
82' - Lots of 2's tonight.

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84' - GOAL: Things coming thick and fast. Not a digestion joke. Luke Moore gets his head on a sharp corner and restores the TFC lead.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3

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90'+ - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Kyle Bekker ON / Stomach OFF

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5.5 / Warren Creavalle 6.5 / Nick Hagglund 7 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6 (Jackson 5.5) / Michael Bradley 7.5 / Collen Warner 6/ Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Luke Moore 6.5 (Kyle Bekker N/A) / Gilberto 7

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Michael Bradley

Filibusted

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO FC
RFK STADIUM

Due to technical difficulties/those fat cats down in the capital, THE MATCHUP did not appear prior to this match. The Yorkies apologize for this indiscretion and have written a terse letter to all applicable MP's, MPP's, Senators, House Members, Whigs, Politburos, policy wonks and both right-wing and socialist lobbyists to rectify this misdeed. Regular programming will return tomorrow.

We are The Yorkies and we approve this message.

TOO LATE TO BE "THE MATCHUP"

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Crack Mayor Derby"

A few facts* and stats** we missed pre-match:
- Washington D.C. and Toronto shared this year's United Nations prize for "Big Dumb City Most Likely to Re-Elect a Crackhead Mayor"
- 372: Number of matches worldwide today between a "United" and a plain old "FC"
- 1: Letter left off a D.C. United supporter’s tifo to make it awesomely read "CREAMING EAGLES"
- 18: Number of years D.C. has been rocking MLS' most righteous kit.


* Maybe; **Possibly

NOT NECESSARILY "AFTER 90"

FINAL SCORE: D.C. UNITED 3 - TORONTO FC 0

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Too fugly. Everyone gets the goat.

AFTER 90: Playing brawl

The blurst of times...

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

2014 is a season of new beginnings for TFC and we felt it was time to put a sad page in Reds' history to bed. With that in mind, we invited "The Escobar 3"... Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma - TFC's notorious Houston nightclub scuffle arrestees - back to watch this match with us at a Texan bar to prove that those negative times are all in the past and they are on the straight and narrow. Luis Silva still has a job in this league so he couldn't be here. But the other two are hardly out curing cancer... so on to the match!

FIRST HALF:
1' - TFC are looking to make it two in a row in seven days against Dynamo tonight. Miguel Aceval is looking to make it two shots of Jägermeister in a row in seven seconds tonight... and yes.
5' - Reds looking sharp to start. Nick Soolsma keeps disappearing to the men's room.
11' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Bradley Orr with a sweet touch and soft pass to set up... Houston's Will Bruin. Brainfartage of the highest degree. Miguel Aceval still thinks Bradley Orr "is the shit, dude" because he can handle himself at a bar.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 0
15' - Soolsma's back at the table. Asks us if "we wanna party?", Aceval says "does the pope shit in the woods?" and Soolsma reaches into his Euro-style man bag... and brings out his pet kitty-cat "Suarez". Aceval yells "Pusss-ayyy!"
17' - Joe Bendik doing the Super Pickle routine as he stops Brad Davis point blank.
18' - GOAL: TORONTO - On the impending counter attack, Gilberto ends up on the receiving end of the direct passing, slices through Dynamo's defence and slots past Tally Hall.
HOUSTON 1 - TORONTO 1
27' - GOAL: HOUSTON - Giles Barnes takes a look at TFC's makeshift defence, has a giggle, and takes a big blast which flies past Joe Bendik.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 1
29' - PENALTY: This one is coo coo for cocoa puffs as Luke Moore is hauled down in the box. Michael Bradley confidently steps up to take it... and hits the post. Nick Soolsma just fell off his barstool. He wasn't watching the game or anything though.
35' - Uh oh. Trouble brewing here as Nick Soolsma changed the jukebox from country and western to Aqua's "Barbie Girl". Lots of angry looks. Aceval's shirt is suddenly half unbuttoned.
40' - Dynamo happy to take their chances with a series of dangerous long-distance shots at Bendik.
44' - Miguel Aceval just told the room he "has to go let a Chilean miner escape" before going to the bathroom.
45'+ - GOAL: TORONTO - Luke Moore with a lovely run into Houston's box and a sharp pass across goal that bounces off a shocked Dominic Oduro who may have been thinking about pizza.
HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

SECOND HALF:
46' - You have no idea how much these two can consume in 15 minutes. Frightening. Soolsma is having an argument about the pros and cons of declawing with a pinball machine.
50' - Luke Moore having his best match in a TFC kit.
55' - Suarez Soolsma just killed the buzz by talking about Feline AIDS
64' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Jermain Defoe ON
64' - Aceval does a shot for the substitution. We weren't playing any game like that.
67' - Dynamo throwing the kitchen sink at TFC.
68' - Line cook came out to complain that Nick Soolsma is throwing up in the kitchen sink.
70' - SUB: Jonathan Osorio OFF / Dan Lovitz ON
70' - Aceval just bought everyone in the bar a shot. Now he just asked the cat if he has any money. Shit.
72' - Neither side look content to hold out for a draw tonight.
73' - Nick Soolsma is trying desperately to call Luis Silva on a pay phone. Sadly he's talking into a napkin holder.
75' - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
76' - Bendik with another massive save. If his distribution was as consistent as his shot blocking he'd be considered one of the league's best.
80' - Aww crap - someone has called the cops! NO MIGUEL DON'T TRY TO RUN!
83' - Defoe and Warren Creavalle go a bit handbags but cooler heads prevail.
88' - All kicking off now as Defoe and David Horst roll about and scrap. Defoe's yellow meaning he misses next match but can play 90 minutes against Spurs.. Conspiracy line to the left please.
89' - All kicking off here at the bar as Suarez Soolsma just hissed at the cops! Why is Nicky riding Aceval's shoulders!!! No!!!
90'+ - Well that was all a bit nutso of an ending. And no, I mean the wackiness at the stadium. A scrappy, shooting gallery with a bit of everything. TFC could have won as equally as they could have lost so another point in a very tough environment is ok in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile back at the bar...
90'++ - "SOMEBODY CALL JULIAN B. GUZMAN!!!"
　

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7.5 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 6 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jonathan Osorio 6 (Dan Lovitz 5.5) / Luke Moore 7.5 (Dwayne De Rosario 5.5) / Gilberto 7 (Jermain Defoe 6)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Joe Bendik



AFTER 90: Not Necessarily the World Cup

New York takes this seriously!

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
1' - Well Thierry Henry was at some World Cups. Same goes for Jermain Defoe. Other than that, the return of MLS isn't probably going to look too much like the football we've become accustomed to. It's New Jersey so chances are someone in the crowd got a Brazilian today. So there's that.
7' - The Reds come out aggressive and push for an opening goal. Not allowing The Reds to watch any Greece matches is paying off.
12' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Morrow sacrifices his body to stop a New York counter attack. You watching this Glen Johnson?
18' - The longer this goes without a TFC goal the higher the chance it turns into Iran vs. Argentina.
25' - Who knew? Breaks in play really are made better with random crowd shots of Colombian women in tight kits. You win this one World Cup.
36' - GOAL: New York - It was coming. All possession and no finish for TFC while NYRB take advantage of a brief lapse in defence and get it onto the head of Puguy Luyindula.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0
45' - The Reds start well but go a bit flat after conceding the goal. On the bright side - no one got bitten.

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
47' - TFC sure could use a quick goal to get back into this match. Like that awesome goal that guy scored for Australia. You know that Tim Cahi... awww nuts.
52' - Dominic Oduro with a clear chance at goal but scuffs it. Disappointing. Also disappointing: he didn't choose a Canadian food to replace his pizza haircut.
55' - GOAL: Toronto - Damn! Jermain Defoe scores a stunning redirection off an Oduro low cross. Beautiful all round team effort.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 1
57' - Doneil Henry has his nightly brainfart - luckily his namesake Thierry can't bang home the close free kick that resulted.
64' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Gilberto ON
65' - A World Cup Brazilian flair with Gilberto on. Except for that goalscoring they are so fond of.
73' - GOAL: Toronto - With a free kick deep in New York territory, Defoe and Gilberto actually start arguing about who will take it. An angry Defoe walks off and all the pressure is on Gilberto... who FINALLY opens his TFC account with a screamer. Great goal and inches away from the TFC dressing room going into crisis mode. Dramatic stuff and impressive confidence. Crow eaten for earlier gag.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 2
'79 - SUB: Jackson OFF / Bradley Orr ON
85' - Jermain Defoe looked very sharp tonight. If only there were a national team he could play for that desperately needed a spark off the bench. Ah well. Toronto's gain.
90' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
90'+ - GOAL: New York - Bradley Wright-Phillips puts home what every TFC supporter was desperately afraid to see - another late goal. NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2
A shame really as TFC played some decent football, enjoyed some dramatic moments. In sober light, a point away at New York will seem like an achievement but it can't help but feel like a loss at the moment. We feel your pain Ivory Coast. Ok - not that bad.

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 (Gilberto 6.5) (Dwayne De Rosario N/A) / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jackson 5.5 (Bradley Orr N/A) / Luke Moore 5 / Jermain Defoe 7
　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe



AFTER 90: Heart in the Heartland

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO
SPORTING PARK

FIRST HALF:
1' - It promises to be a fantastic match tonight as Jermain Defoe and his Toronto FC mates travel to the Midwest to face MLS Champio-----------

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR INTERNET MACHINE SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS. THIS WWW PAGE AND ITS LEFTY PINKO PRO-HEALTHCARE, ANTI-AWESOME VIEWS HAS BEEN COMMANDEERED BY THE 'KEEP NORTH AMERICA AMERICAN FOUNDATION'. INSTEAD OF READING ABOUT EUROPEAN FANCY-PANTS SOCCER YOU WILL INSTEAD BE TREATED TO A SUPERSIZE COMBO OF AWESOME PROOF THAT NORTH AMERICA WAS INVENTED BY AMERICA - AS APPROVED BY THE SWEET BABY JESUS AND OUR LEADER

JAY "CUB" PETERS. SON!

 

 END TRANSMISSION.

--------------------cleared down the wing and into touch.
90'+ - Well what else can really be said about this match? Wow!

FT: SPORTING KC 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS:
Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 5 (Doneil Henry 4) / Nick Hagglund 5.5 / Justin Morrow 6 / Alvaro Rey 5 (Luke Moore 6.5)/ Kyle Bekker 4.5 (Dan Lovitz 5)/ Bradley Orr 6.5 / Collen Warner 5.5 / Gilberto 6 / Jermain Defoe 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

AFTER 90 - Bradley returns but still go down swingin'

FC Dallas - 2
Hedges 37'
Pérez 88'
Toronto - 1
Nakajima-Farran 21'

WHAT WE EXPECTED: Depending on who showed up healthy, the range went from 'planning the Cup parade' to 'gonna take a whuppin'.  
WHAT WE GOT: The counter-attack stylings that we've come to expect with the welcomed addition of Bradley and Osorio, but it was just not enough.

THE GOOD:
- Nakajima-Farran's goal.  Not spectacular, but stayed composed to do the business.
- Counter attack was working, for what it's worth.
- Jackson made himself available throughout the match.

THE BAD:
- Crosses ultimately did them in.  Giving them up with 12 corners was rough, but pelting the net with them with little comprehensive defending to it was what did them in.
- Julio Cesar could only do so much.
- Gilberto was invisible for too long, as was Bekker.

THE MALARKEY:
- As much as it's awesome to wear reds on the road, why did Dallas wear their alts at home? I blame marketing and merchandising departments.
- Don'tcha hate it when the other team subs in their big gun and he scores in the 88th minute?

THE YORKIES' TFC NON-BRADLEY MAN OF THE MATCH: Nakajima-Farran

I had this stuck in my head during the entire report, so I should share it.

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

AFTER 90: Utah taints

Kyle Beckerman: He knows he's pretty

REAL SALT LAKE - 3

Alvaro Saborio - 11' (PK)

Luis Gil - 28'

Alvaro Saborio - 55'

TORONTO FC - 0

WHAT WE EXPECTED: The toughest test TFC would face so far this season and most likely a difficult loss in a match where The Reds would see little possession.

WHAT WE GOT: Some pretty fuggo stuff. Disjointed, overly-scrappy and tactically lacking. RSL is a quality club but if Toronto FC want to play with the big boys this season they can't trot too many of these out.

THE GOOD:

- Michael Bradley just can't stop. Win, lose or draw that engine keeps going.

- The Bradley to striker laser-passes are still working.

- They don't get pushed around.

THE BAD:

- Slow starts to both halves becoming a theme for TFC this season.

- Defensive composure from first two matches not on show tonight.

- Steven Caldwell's studs-up challenge on Ned Grabavoy could end up costing him further if MLS Head Office reviews it.

- Jermain Defoe came off in the 60th minute holding his leg - possibly hamstring related.

- Out possessed by massive margin and even if you don't rate that stat - did little with the possession they did have.

- The feared depth issues reared their heads in a big way. None of the starting 11 replacements had any kind of impact.

THE MALARKEY:

- Kyle Beckerman's dreads have gone full-out natty. The family of possums now living inside it are said to be healthy and happy.

- Looks like The Osmond Family have won this round of their vicious rap fued with Drake.

- Ned Grabavoy still has the perviest sounding name in MLS. Steven Caldwell may have been doing a Nightline investigation.

- John Stockton shorty-short-shorts spotted: 0

PLAYER RATINGS:

Julio Cesar 6 / Bradley Orr 4.5 (SUB: 60' Issey Nakajima-Farran 5) / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Mark Bloom 4.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5 (SUB: 78' Kyle Bekker ) / Alvaro Rey 5.5 / Gilberto 5.5 / Jermain Defoe 6.5 (SUB: 61' Dwayne De Rosario 5 )

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Michael Bradley

  

 The long and the short shorts of it

AFTER 90: A pretty big (bloody) deal

Difference makers.

SEATTLE SOUNDERS - 1
Clint Dempsey - 68'

TORONTO FC - 2
Jermain Defoe - 17'
Jermain Defoe - 24'

WHAT WE EXPECTED:
A shaky start for a TFC squad in need of instant chemistry in a hostile environment. A draw would have been sweet, we planned for a 3-1 loss.
WHAT WE GOT:
A hard-working, composed win spearheaded by Jermain Defoe's debutante balls and the tireless leadership of Michael Bradley and Steven Caldwell. While they had to absorb tremendous Seattle pressure in the 2nd Half, they didn't capitulate. That's new.

THE GOOD:
- The dominant leadership (and head) of Steven Caldwell who anchored the back and made his co-defenders better.
- The reassuring presence of Julio Cesar. Not a knock on Bendik but you can feel TFC's defence breathe easier with his experience.
- Michael Bradley. Period. Defoe will get the plaudits but Bradley was everywhere. A boss.
- Jermain Defoe - what can you say? A poacher. His goal tally this year will only be hampered by his service. Does what it says on the tin.

THE BAD:
- Slow starts in both halves. On another day an opponent will make them pay if they come out that flat-footed.
- The bruises left on Doneil Henry's chops after a boot to the face.
- Silly free kicks given as the game wore on. Maybe due to exhaustion but TFC were lucky they weren't costly.
- The bench. Yes there are injuries but not too many guys available at the moment who can come in and change the face of the match for The Reds. Bright Dike is missed.

THE MALARKEY:
- 39,000 Seattle fans singing "Can you hear Toronto sing?" to the 100 TFC fans in attendance. That's just poor audio science.
- TFC's Jackson may be the angriest man in Brazil but his natty all-white boots are full on Tito Jackson.
- When did Chad Barrett turn into an oversized Oompa Loompa?
- The Clint Dempsey/Jermain Defoe Tottenham Hotspur reunion ended much the same way as their time at White Hart Lane together: Defoe scored more goals and Dempsey still looked like an overpaid twonk.

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 8 / Doneil Henry 7 / Justin Morrow 6.5 / Jackson 6 (SUB: 90'+ - Ashtone Morgan N/A) / Michael Bradley 8 / Jonathan Osorio 7 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 66' - Bradley Orr 5.5) / Dwayne De Rosario 6 (SUB: 63' - Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Jermain Defoe 8

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe

 

Sigi Schmid: not pleased

AFTER 90: "It's purely Stefual"

"HE'S ALIVE!"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - Much like suburban Chicago teens Garry and Wyatt, we sit by our computer generally disillusioned with how things have turned out. Just replace teen angst and raging hormones with TFC angst and raging... well, rage. We tried hooking up our computer cables to a Diego Maradona action figure, an MLS matchday program from 2009 and a David Lee Roth video in an attempt to create a DP out of thin air but all that happened was Joe Bendik got suspended and we get one last shower with Stefan Frei. Does anyone know how to get a nuclear warhead out of a living room?

1' - "So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?"
5' - Robert Earnshaw skies a sitter over the bar. The scoring equivalent to taking a shower in your trousers.
7' - Stefan Frei, apparently some new Swiss goalkeeper, looking very sharp in both saves and distribution. Looks like he has a future. FREIENCE!
12' - Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: But it's not so bad. We can hear the playoffs.
Tim "Garry" Bezbatchenko: [sarcastically] We can hear the playoffs, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the DP's!
25' - Mike Magee: Tell me something. What's a Swiss dude like you doing with malakas like these? Huh?
Stefan Frei: It's purely temporary.
Magee: No shit.
Steven Caldwell: He's into malakas, Mike!
Magee: He's into malakas"! Do you believe that?
28' - Earnshaw goal disallowed - much like any contract renewal should be.
33' - Frei with another solid bit of positioning. FREIENCE!
40' - Reggie Lambe needs to drop and give us 50 at Shermer High. Permanently.
44' - Ryan Nelsen: [on halftime preparations] You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic MLS orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of dozen bad footballers running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

HALFTIME: CHICAGO 0 - TORONTO 0

To the showers...

SECOND HALF:
45' - TFC starts the 2nd Half trying to avoid having slushees poured on their heads from the upper level of Toyota Park
50' - Don Garber: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for winning football, not for halftime stupidity and DP promises. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: We forgot to build an actual team.
Don Garber: You forgot to build an actual team.
58' - Bright Dike the only one who may possibly gate-crash this mutant-filled house party
64' - PENALTY: Jonathan Osorio gets called for a dodgy handball in the box. Mike "Tits" Magee takes the spot-kick and scores - GOAL
CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0
65' - Ryan Nelsen: [to referee Edvin Jurisevic] Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!
70' - Alvaro Rey growing on us like a Chet boil after almost beating Fire keeper Sean Johnson
73' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw OFF / Andrew Wiedeman ON
74' - Fran O'Leary: This is an Andrew Wiedeman!
Ryan Nelsen: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!
83' - SUB: Bright Dike OFF / Justin Braun ON
90' - Don Garber: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your supporters' only outlet is tossing off to FourFourTwo magazine in the bathroom?
Tim Leiweke: Oh supporters! Oh my God!
TFC supporters: Tim, we never tossed off to anything!
Tim Leiweke: You told me you were buying a butty!
TFC supporters: We were! We were!
90'+ - FREIENCE!　

FULL TIME: CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Alvaro Rey 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Kyle Bekker 5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Bright Dike 5.5 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Andrew Wiedeman 4) 　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Stefan Frei. Because it's the last time we get to do that. 　

THE BATH:
Well ironically it took a bit of "weird science" for Chicago to get the match's only goal in the form of a phantom hand ball off of Osorio. In general, a poor version of a football match with entertaining bits few and far between. You know, like the "Weird Science" TV series.

For those of you getting your jollies from Montreal hanging on to the last playoff spot by le fingertips, the result doesn't hurt your pettiness. We need something after all no? The match also did much to highlight that as teams like Montreal and Chicago struggle to go further into the season, TFC is still a million miles away from competing with quality teams in this league. Not two DP's away.

Finally, a likely goodbye to TFC stalwart and all-round top chap Stefan Frei. We may never get the pleasure of seeing him in a TFC kit again but he should be remembered fondly for being a good egg while being bombarded in goal like a dodgeball player since joining the club. You're a bigger man than me Stefan, after TFC's class-free handling of you this year, I would have picked up a "Dutch calf injury" on Thursday - but you love this club. Wish they'd done the same back to you this year. Danke.


Tim and Tim set their DP plan in motion...

AFTER 90: Leiwekes Just Don't Understand

Which one of you is Cassano and which one is Adebayor?

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

 

Let's face it Jazzy Jeffs, this season hasn't been fresh since April. If TFC had a mom it would have long been scared and moved the club with it's Auntie and Uncle in the NASL. Alas, we don't have a benevolent Uncle Phil to set us straight, just a President that has sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and Bel-Air, so chances are high we'll be right here next year as well. Hey maybe we can get our wacky cousin to move in. Carlton! Cole.

In the meantime, our annual meaningless trip to the Suburb of Brotherly Love gives us the chance to whip out some local flavour... our Fresh Prince theme tune! If you came here for match analysis... you need to ask yourself some deep questions about your life choices. Enjoy!

 

 

''THE FRESH TIM OF HOT-AIR"

Now this is the story, call it a fable

Another year spent at the foot of the table

And we'd like to take a minute, we won't be mean

We'll tell you The Reds will be the same in 2014

 

Southwest of Philadelphia a crap game played

On defence is where they spent much of the day

Long balls, hacking, passing like fools

Tactically inept with no talent pool

 

We've got a couple of guys, they are just sort of good

The rest should be benched like other clubs would

2013 is ending just like all other years

We say "The only way to watch it is drink lots of beers"

 

Now Leiweke's in town and yells "Have no fear!"

"Things will be different this time next year"

If anything we could say we've heard this before

But this fool will blow cash on Adebayor!

 

So we're waiting 'til New Year to buy our tickets

Yelling at T-Bez "You've signed the next Rohan Ricketts!"

Safe in the knowledge. we'll be sad in the stands

To watch Ryan Nelsen's brand new 5-Year Plan

 

 

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Uncle Phil



AFTER 90: Pitch invasions

"Concrete jungle where no dreams are made no..."

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - Listen, we know we bang on a load lately about the whole Argos to BMO kerfuffle but until we hear different we'll be a bit like a dog with a bone. It is clouding a lot of our (ok, tiny scraps) of optimism for the future of the club. Often, we and fellow worriers have been told to "relax" about the possibility of a CFL stadium share and that it's "no big deal". Usually by Leafs fans. We couldn't resist tonight's fixture, not far from where Giants Stadium stood - the ultimate example of gridiron stomping on football - to illustrate just how difficult we find it to watch the world's sport on the field of parts of North America's sport. But in text form!

ARGONAUTS 

 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 10 _____________________ 10 ____________

 10' - Thierry Henry being a nuisance as usual.

____________      ____________________      ______________

 18' - Mark Bloom in his TFC debut not playing too badly.

 

__________ 20 _____________________ 20 ____________

27' - Andrew Wiedeman goes just wide of the New York goal. Close

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 30 _____________________ 30 ____________

 32' - GOAL: New York - Thierry Henry loses Bloom and taps in a hard cross.

NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 40 _____________________ 40 ____________

43' - Kosuke Kimura very close to doubling New York's lead. 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 50 _____________________ 50 ____________

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

 

THE

　__________   C  ___ TORONTO  ___  C ____________

SUN

SECOND HALF:

__________ 50 _____________________ 50 ____________

47' - Bloom tries to find Wiedeman as TFC come out fast 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 40 _____________________ 40 ____________

53' - SUB: Jonas Elmer on for Justin Braun 

____________      ____________________      ______________

58' - YELLOW CARD: Steven Caldwell for hauling down Dax McCarty 

__________ 30 _____________________ 30 ____________

 

____________      ____________________      ______________

65' - Joe Bendik forced to make a big save on a charging Bradley Wright-Phillips. 

__________ 20 _____________________ 20 ____________

 75' - SUB: Bright Dike on for Andrew Wiedeman

____________      ____________________      ______________

78' - Bit of a scrap on the pitch as Jonathan Osorio plays a bit rough with Kimura. 

__________ 10 _____________________ 10 ____________

 80' - GOAL: New York - Fabian Espindola with a looping header over some bumbling TFC defenders.

NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 0

85' - Bright Dike tries to open his TFC account but saved well.

89' - SUB: Kyle Bekker on for Alvaro Rey

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

 

ROUGH RIDERS/ ROUGHRIDERS

 

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 0

 

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell  6.5/  Gale Agbossoumonde 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5/ Alvaro Rey 6.5 (Kyle Bekker N/A) / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6 / Bobby Convey 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 (Bright Dike 6)  / Justin Braun 4.5 (Jonas Elmer 5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Alvaro Rey

THE BATH:
Well there you have it, not the worst of TFC performances. Not great, but we've seen worse. But, I bet reading it with all those gridiron lines sure was annoying and took away from our usual sparkling journalism didn't it?

When MLSE announces the BMO Field expansion plans and shows you lovely architectural diagrams alongside information of the new cutting-edge artificial surface, remember this. And know that when the CFL season starts in early summer and TFC and the Argos play 7 days apart or less that it won't be far off reading this. There is not a stadium in the world that has figured out to completely scrub off lines from dual sports. MLSE sure ain't full of science geniuses.

So yes, TFC looked a bit better tonight and may indeed improve in the future. However, if watching a match at BMO Field will be akin to reading the above... why bother?



AFTER 90: "We were making 5-Year Plans before it was cool..."

PORTLAND VS. TORONTO
JELD-WEN FIELD

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - If there was ever a night for some Hipster Fair Trade java to stay awake. Deep inside of the Pacific Time Zone in the bespoke, artisan moustache enclave of Portland, Oregon our newly GM-widowed Reds try not to be "meh" in front of MLS' most raucous and plaid-encased supporters. The only way to report tonight is to go deep, deep (woods) undercover as one of them... a hipster douchebag. Let's play some European soccer... or you know... whatever.

2' - Richard Eckersley whips in an early cross, sporting a ginger beard tonight but... you know... no big deal.
5' - Steven Caldwell with a solid defensive header. But he doesn't buy into "labels" okay?
10' - Former TFC fan-favourite Milos Kocic in goal for Portland tonight and tested early. The skinny jeans and vintage desert boots are a rare sight for a goalkeeper.
18' - Spanish winger Alvaro Rey down with a knock. Oh you haven't been trekking through the Andalucian Mountains? I have. But before it was touristy.
20' - Just finished second Pabst Blue Ribbon
25' - YELLOW CARD: Gale Agbossoumonde for putting too much artisanal bacon marmalade on his tackle
30' - Robert Earnshaw with a shot on Kocic. Earnshaw knows so many Zambian-Welsh bands you haven't even heard of yet.
32' - Timbers' Kalif Alhassan beats Bendik but hits the goalpost. More frustrating for Portlanders than the line at Voodoo Donuts. If you don't get the reference... just forget it.
38' - Earnshaw attempts acrobatic bicycle shot. He was scoring goals before it was July.
41' - TFC's counter-attack has the fluidity of artisanal, organic maple syrup that has been forgotten in an avocado-coloured retro refrigerator for two months.
45'+ - GOAL: Portland - Alhassan with a long range blast that beats Bendik. TFC defenders' minds were already on the halftime visit to that farmer's market.
PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0
45' + - Pabst me.

HALFTIME: PORTLAND 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
50' - Oh hey sorry to keep you waiting. I actually don't own a TV. Was really into this John Steinbeck novel.
55' - TFC defence being peppered with shots right now. I really know a lot about different peppers by the way. Just an FYI
60' - Lack of options on Ryan Nelsen's bench to change tempo of the match. Also lack of ironic moustaches. It will be a busy off-season.
67' - Have to say that Portland's kits are quite striking. Wonder if they are bespoke?
75' - SUB: Justin Braun in for Alvaro Rey. Irony?
75' - Portland subs off their goalscorer for a DP in Diego Valeri after TFC bring in Braun. There's the irony.
78' - Pabst.
83' - GOAL: Portland - Rodney Wallace picks Agbossoumonde's pocket and beats a helpless Bendik to double the lead. If you're into that kind of thing.
PORTLAND 2 - TORONTO 0
87' - GOAL: Portland - Will Johnson takes irony too far as the Canadian goes through TFC's "defence" like a reclaimed Victorian hot knife through fried butter from a food truck.
PORTLAND 3 - TORONTO 0
90' - Like having that one Republican friend, we look at Reggie Lambe and say "how is this a thing"?
90'+ - GOAL: Portland - Valeri on the end of a Portland move that was great like that movie you've never heard of.
PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0
90'+ - Pabst.

FULL TIME: PORTLAND 4 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5 / Richard Eckersley 4.5 / Steven Caldwell 5 / Gale Agbossoumonde 5 / Jonas Elmer 5 / Reggie Lambe 4 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Darel Russell 5 / Alvaro Rey 6 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Andrew Wiedeman 5 / Robert Earnshaw 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Reggie Lambe. Yes, that's us being ironic.

THE BATH:
Want some more hip irony? Like the hipsters of Portland themselves we are "meh" over this embarrassing loss.

The apathy isn't because we are "too cool" to care. No if that was the case we wouldn't be typing at 1:30AM. Why do we not feel anything over another TFC loss? Because we are simply numb. These awful displays, our USL line-up promoted as "big-league" and promise after promise of "better days ahead" under the constant cloud of management decisions that may ruin this club forever. That will do it to ya.

You are giving us little TFC. You watch a match like that and say "who am I supposed to be excited about for in 2014?" Stop masquerading as a "major league" organization and fix things with what is likely your last real chance. Being 'too hip" to win is so 2007.

F*cking hipsters.

AFTER 90: D.C. United vs. TFC is brought to you by The Yorkies... "Ask for us by name"

What did you expect, a tiny dog?

 

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO
RFK STADIUM

 

For those who have been attending TFC matches since 2007, you have probably noticed that the usual intrusive in-stadium product placements and audio-visually grating promotions have been ramped up to a maniacally ear-splitting level this year. Club management theory (thanks for the questionnaire about your corporate partners by the way - time well spent) seems to be "One second of silence is one second of promotional opportunity wasted". It is bordering on sociopathic.

However, The Yorkies' website is nothing if not a money-making juggernaut and we have to admit being a little envious of the green. So, since TFC are on the road we will pick up the Mad Men slack tonight with a little shameless shilling. Refresh the page at will... every click pays!

 

FIRST HALF: Brought to you by COLT .45 MALT LIQUOR "Let's Get this Party Started"

KICK OFF: Presented by the SCOTTISH TOURISM BOARD "Scotland, Someone's Always Kickin' Off": It's a beautiful summer night at the rapidly decaying yet MLS trophy-laden RFK Stadium. Can't help but feel it needs a corporate sponsor name

2' - Jeremy Brockie making his final TFC appearance (for now) before heading back to Wellington Phoenix. His departure paid in part by AIR NEW ZEALAND "One-way Tickets to New Zealand. We said One-Way Jeremy."

5' - Bobby Convey fires a set piece way wide of Bill Hamid's goal. Proceeds from his set piece support the CANADIAN OLYMPIC ARCHERY ASSOCIATION "On Target Every Four Years"

7' - Dwayne De Rosario attempts a spectacular bicycle kick brought to you by MONEY MART "Cashing Cheques 7 Days a Week"

10' - GOAL: D.C. United: De Ro with an absolute screamer from 30 yards out. Promotional consideration for this goal paid for by SCARBOROUGH DIVORCE LAWYERS "You'll Be Better Off Without Them!"

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Reggie Lambe dispossessed badly in midfield. CANADIAN PORK COMMISSION "So much better than Lambe"

24' - Joe Bendik forced into a big save off Nick DeLeon shot. If Joe Bendik had been wearing his all-green kit then the save would have been brought to you by the good people at BICK'S PICKLES "Dill With It."

28' - Andrew Wiedeman close to making it level but shot misses by a couple of feet. That was tonight's STARBUCKS Extra Shot of The Night "Starbucks and TFC, making you pay so much for so little"

34' - SUB: Darel Russel comes on for Jonathan Osorio who is possibly ill. Brought to you by THE CNE CRONUT BURGER "What Did You Really Expect?"

42' - The 42nd Minute brought to you by TSN "Change the channel, we're probably talking about hockey"

45' - De Ro forcing yet another big save as the half comes to an end. Player walk-off brought to you by 'TIME TO SETTLE' INTERNET DATING "Get Used To It"
 

HALFTIME: Brought to you by WHISKEY
"Mmmmm... Tastes like Forgetting. Whiskey"

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

 
SECOND HALF: Brought to you by GIN "Making Underwear Vanish Since 1705"
45' - Second half back up and running. Don't forget to stay tuned for match highlights brought to you by HILROY DAY PLANNERS "Now Available in new 5 Year Format!"
55' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw in for Andrew Wiedeman. Earnshaw's entrance furnished by DODGE CARAVAN "Driving soccer moms and screaming children to an empty BMO Field for years to come. Dodge."
58' - Former Red Luis Silva down after a hard tackle. This hard tackle reminds you that TORONTO ARGONAUTS ticket flex packs now on sale!
60' - GOAL: Toronto - Bobby Convey gets on the end of a Lambe cross. Goal brought to you by THE CANADIAN ASSOCIATION FOR RELIGIOUS APPRECIATION "Miracles can happen. God - ask for him by name"
D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 1
70' - Doneil Henry's frantic defending brought to you by the TORONTO ZOO "Come see a clumsy Giraffe run around - samesies!"
77' - Toronto FC defensive shell proudly presented by PETSMART "Your Turtle Superstore!"
80' - Robert Earnshaw's 2013 performance sponsored by FLIGHT CENTRE'S 'MARCH BREAK EARLY BIRD SALE' "Because who wants to do anything after March?"
83' - TFC do nothing with free kick opportunity on cusp of D.C. box. This missed opportunity brought to you by DEPENDS UNDERGARMENTS "The freedom to sh*t your pants anytime, anywhere. Depends."
88' - SUB: Alvaro Rey on for Bobby Convey. Substitution brought to you by CARAMILK "Unlock the Secret of TFC's Transfer Window Mystery!"
90'+ - Extra Time brought to you by NYQUIL. "Make your own damn joke... NyQuil"

FULL TIME: Sponsored by WINNERS
"Brand Name Fashions and Irony"
D.C. UNITED 1  - TORONTO 1

THE FRANK'S RED HOT PLAYER RATINGS:
"We Put this Sh*t Out Every Match"
Joe Bendik 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 6.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Reggie Lambe 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5 (Darel Russell 5 ) / Bobby Convey 6.5 (Alvaro Rey N/A) / Jeremy Brockie 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 (Robert Earnshaw 5 )

THE YORKIES' OLD SPICE TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: "This Guy Didn't Stink"
Doneil Henry

CALGON presents THE BATH: "Calgon... Take Me Away"
What can be said about this match? Except "entirely likely". Kevin Payne's former and current clubs looking equally useless and ending up in a stalemate. Both sides scrappy in defence and disjointed in attack, so all in all, a fair result.

Much talk in both camps about "playing for next year" and "building for 2014" but as it stands now, you can't expect much to be different for either side a year from now without rapid change. Not the finest night for Mr. Payne's resume.


Now as part of our corporate shilling we're going for a smooth COLT .45!!!
　


Damn small print.