THE STARTING 11: Derogatory nicknames Americans call Michael Bradley

He's got no hair but we don't care...



In four matches he has vaulted easily to become one of MLS' premier players. There is an argument that he is CONCACAF's finest talent at the moment. He carries the USA's World Cup hopes to Brazil on his shoulders this summer. He plays in Canada. What a conundrum for our mega-patriotic friends to the south! They love Michael Bradley when he suits up for the U, S and the A but feel the need to vent at him over the audacity to choose to play in Soviet Canuckistan over a more freedom-filled franchise below the 49th. This love-hate relationship has made for some colourful language being thrown in Bradley's direction...

11. "Syrup-slurping Tackle-monkey"

10. "Benedict Headbutts Arnaud"

9. "The Bald Eagle Beaver"

8. "Backstabbing Backbacony Bonehead"

7. "Michael Bradl-Eh"

6. "Left-wing Pinko Gretzky Sympathizer"

5. "Molson-guzzling Igloo-renter"

4. "Healthcare-happy Hoser-hugger"

3. "America's Sticky Head Bandage"

2. "Lex Loser"

1. "Drake Dodger"

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

THE MATCHUP: Bit off Mormon we can chew?

Marie Osmond! You traitor to Utah and the Spanish Crown!



REAL SALT LAKE VS TORONTO FC
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9:30 ET
TV: TSN 2

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- This is arguably TFC's stiffest competition so far.
- Ryan Nelsen has been poking RSL with a stick by wondering aloud if DP Alvaro Saborio should be banned for this match due to an infraction last week vs LA Galaxy. Will RSL use it as motivation?
- Will TFC sign Issey Nakajima-Farran and have his paperwork processed in time for the match? Would he take the banned Jackson's starting spot on the wing? (UPDATE: See news below)
- How will Jermain Defoe react when he finds out how many wives you're allowed to have in Utah?
- Will Michael Bradley prove his dominance after RSL's Nat Borchers publically claimed that Kyle Beckerman was the better player of the two?
- Do RSL's horrible new shirts come with matching John Stockton super-shorty-short-shorts?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The King Juan Carlos I Invitational"

THE DUEL:
Kyle Beckerman vs. Michael Bradley

WHO ARE YA?
We gently mock our MLS brethren south of the border for their tendency to add on concerts and other spectacles post-match to help draw bigger crowds to matches. Most are cringe-worthy local artist shows with a dose of fireworks thrown in but RSL have outdone themselves with "Tintopalooza" a huge show following Saturday’s match full of Utah's finest music. Come for the match, stay for...

TINTOPALOOZA

Featuring...

DA OSMONDZ: THE NEXT GENERATION
Folk-funk fusion duo STOCKTON & MALONE
UTAH SAINTS
THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR
UTAH JAZZ
MAJOR LUZER feat. Kyle Beckermon
THE MORMON TABERNACLE DEATH METAL ENSEMBLE
NICK RIMANDO'S RHYTHMIC BELLY SLAPPING

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
March 29, 2011: Three days after scoring two goals in his home debut, Javier Martina - confident in the knowledge that his long, successful TFC career has begun - spends his full season salary on a boat named "BRACE YOURSELF"

BONUS NEWS SECTION NEWS!
ISSEY REALLY SIGNED?

According to Luke Wileman at TSN and now being "scooped" by MLS' official site, Canadian international winger and long-term trial aficionado Issey Nakajima-Farran has signed with TFC and the deal only awaits Commissioner Dong Grabber's erotic rubber-stamp.

The 29-year old Alberta native has one colourful passport as his professional career has seen him play in Singapore, Denmark, Australia and most recently Cyprus. With 30 caps to his name with Canada, Nakajima-Farran offers a lot of experience and some depth to TFC's flanks. As mentioned above, he may be pressed into immediate service versus RSL due to "InfrAction" Jackson's ban.

Most importantly, the winger adds some needed pun-meat to the club with "Issey or Isn't he?" lines due to see a sharp increase. He also represents one of TFC's few hyphenated players. Arguably the finest since "Young" Nana Attakora went by Nana Attakora-Gyan. Important football analysis 24/7 at The Yorkies.

And... If you like this kind of jibber-jabber but wished it could be shoved in your ear like a moist Q-tip - we've got you covered! The Yorkies and Waking the Red join forces weekly on The Vocal Minority Podcast... "Get used to it" here... (NEW EPISODE ON FRIDAY!)

AFTER 90: A pretty big (bloody) deal

Difference makers.

SEATTLE SOUNDERS - 1
Clint Dempsey - 68'

TORONTO FC - 2
Jermain Defoe - 17'
Jermain Defoe - 24'

WHAT WE EXPECTED:
A shaky start for a TFC squad in need of instant chemistry in a hostile environment. A draw would have been sweet, we planned for a 3-1 loss.
WHAT WE GOT:
A hard-working, composed win spearheaded by Jermain Defoe's debutante balls and the tireless leadership of Michael Bradley and Steven Caldwell. While they had to absorb tremendous Seattle pressure in the 2nd Half, they didn't capitulate. That's new.

THE GOOD:
- The dominant leadership (and head) of Steven Caldwell who anchored the back and made his co-defenders better.
- The reassuring presence of Julio Cesar. Not a knock on Bendik but you can feel TFC's defence breathe easier with his experience.
- Michael Bradley. Period. Defoe will get the plaudits but Bradley was everywhere. A boss.
- Jermain Defoe - what can you say? A poacher. His goal tally this year will only be hampered by his service. Does what it says on the tin.

THE BAD:
- Slow starts in both halves. On another day an opponent will make them pay if they come out that flat-footed.
- The bruises left on Doneil Henry's chops after a boot to the face.
- Silly free kicks given as the game wore on. Maybe due to exhaustion but TFC were lucky they weren't costly.
- The bench. Yes there are injuries but not too many guys available at the moment who can come in and change the face of the match for The Reds. Bright Dike is missed.

THE MALARKEY:
- 39,000 Seattle fans singing "Can you hear Toronto sing?" to the 100 TFC fans in attendance. That's just poor audio science.
- TFC's Jackson may be the angriest man in Brazil but his natty all-white boots are full on Tito Jackson.
- When did Chad Barrett turn into an oversized Oompa Loompa?
- The Clint Dempsey/Jermain Defoe Tottenham Hotspur reunion ended much the same way as their time at White Hart Lane together: Defoe scored more goals and Dempsey still looked like an overpaid twonk.

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 8 / Doneil Henry 7 / Justin Morrow 6.5 / Jackson 6 (SUB: 90'+ - Ashtone Morgan N/A) / Michael Bradley 8 / Jonathan Osorio 7 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 66' - Bradley Orr 5.5) / Dwayne De Rosario 6 (SUB: 63' - Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Jermain Defoe 8

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe

 

Sigi Schmid: not pleased

THE STARTING 11: Things overheard at last week's press conference

"Did you hear the one about the bloody big eel?"

It has been just over a week since MLSE attempted to give us a 7-year brainwipe with the grand introduction of Jermain Defoe and Michael Bradley. While the hubbub from the beer and branding bonanza has just begun to subside, TFC will hope that the merriment from the day carries into the season. Of course amidst any cheery din are always a few sentences that are overheard floating amongst the crowd...

11. "Why is Raivis Hscanovics sitting behind De Ro?"

10. "It's been two hours and no one has mentioned our secret Argos plans sir! It's working! IT'S WORKING!!!"

9. "Mr. Defoe, this is the Raptors Dance Pack... "

8. "This is just like being at a match! The same chants, a bunch of drunk dudes and Reggie Lambe has been completely invisible!"

7. "Mr. Samuel! Step away from the buffet. Step. Away. From. The. Buffet."

6. "Oh that's Michael Bradley? Thank God, I thought Lex Luthor had escaped from prison!"

5. "It's about time TFC gave us something for free! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go order four more season tickets and buy these new Jermain Defoe jerseys!"

4. "For the last time Mr. Lombardo, the double decker bus is not the Dufferin 29..."

3. "Funny how much more flavour Budweiser has when you remove the $12 dollar part."

2. "Hey... that's not Willem Dafoe!"

1. "If these guys think this is a bloody big deal, wait until they see the price of their 2015 season tickets!"

It's some kind of deal! TFC unveil Jermain Defoe AND Michael Bradley

"You new here too?"



Remember that mumbling, rather serene press conference in the BMO Field press room the last time TFC introduced two DP's? That day it was Torsten Frings and Danny Koevermans taking on the roles of TFC Messiahs 1 & 2 but compared to the show at RealSports Bar in Downtown Toronto today... that was a bloody small deal.

From his arrival at Pearson yesterday, the full page ads in Toronto dailies this morning and to the trail of potential WAGS strewn through the 416 - the whole football world knew that today was "De-Day" - Jermain Defoe's Debutante Ball. However in what must have been a Tim Leiweke erotic promotions fantasy - that wasn't big enough. No... like the finest wrestling card, American midfielder/trainee Super Villain Michael Bradley appeared from backstage and joined the fracas! Mic drop.

Live from the back of a double-decker bus, here are some of our favourite observations:

- A return to supporter good times chanting "This Is Our House" from the RealSports upper deck. Doubt that beers cost $15 bucks in their actual houses.
- Tim Leiweke speaking in front of rowdy crowd and largest media presence in TFC history aka "one off his bucket list"
- Leiweke saying all the right things such as "nothing is won today" and "why can't we be great". Managed not to say "btw - you may want to re-mortgage house before 2015 season tickets go up"
- Jermain Defoe comes out to a raucous cheer. Scans crowd for glamour models in the house. Makes mental notes. Sits down.
- Defoe: "I'm a winner"; "To win trophies - that's what it's all about"; "I'm the new Jeff Cunningham LOLZ!" (He may not have said that)
- Back to Leiweke who missed a good opportunity to introduce the "surprise" guest in wrestling ambush style...
- Michael Bradley emerges dressed in all black to do nothing but concrete his image as a James Bond Super Villain.
- Bradley a man of few words - the ones he does say sound amazingly like Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman. It will be our goal to get him to say "Yo TFC bitch" this season.
- Ryan Nelsen says a few words - just realized he finally has a reason to say "Juh-main" a la Flight of the Conchords. Prisint.
- Floor opened to the media... and the first question in this international presser goes to... a kid from Seneca College?! Umm... was a dying boy's wish granted or something?
- There are Drake questions up the wazoo. No mention of Maestro Fresh Wes or Joey Jeremiah of original Degrassi. Shameful.
- BREAKING: Former TFC GM Mo Johnston is holding a live event in his kitchen where he will introduce BOTH bologna and cheese to a sandwich.
- T-Bez danced his best around a question on the status of Matias Laba. We say not looking good.
- Then a bunch more crap about Drake...

And with that, TFC's underwater Bloody Big Eel event ended. Or something like that. There are some grumps and naysayer's out there today (stop stealing our gig newbies) but for all the sizzle, it really is a fun day to be a TFC supporter. That's for you, rain-soaked fan who never said "I don't feel like going to watch them lose..." You're about to have more company in the stands, but that house will always be yours.

And... Since it's Monday and we are legally bound to bring you this... here is your Starting 11!!!
 

White Hart Lane: The BMO Field of North London

 

THE STARTING 11: Other features of the Toronto FC - Tottenham Hotspur Agreement

Part of the Jermain Defoe (hey, did you hear Drake called him?) official confirmation was the added caveat that TFC and Spurs had entered into a "marketing agreement" with each other. The deal includes a mid-summer friendly, Spurs merchandise sold at MLSE properties and other stuff like TFC having to RT and LOL all Spurs tweets. But, as with all deals there is always the small print where more details are found...

 

11. BMO Field to change name to "Great White (North) Hart Lane"

10. Toronto Raptors must throw every game against San Antonio

9. TFC get first refusal on any Sergei Rebrov transfer

 

8. A long-term community employment commitment from both clubs by hiring-and-firing managers on a bi-annual basis. (DONE)

7. David Ginola to open men's hair salon at Downsview training facility

6. The two clubs to share custody of the label "Champions League hopefuls"

 

5. Toronto FC-based Arsenal supporters forced to feel dirty about themselves

4. Jurgen Klinsmann available for both clubs during emergency crisis management situations (DONE)

3. Drake on loan to London until March

2. Bitchy the Hawk replaced with angry fighting cockerel

1. Our top prospects to be sold to Spurs just as they become integral squad member who will sell that player to Real Madrid just as he becomes an integral squad member

 

THE WORD: Hey Defoe's coming! Wait... Bradley? Whaaaaaat?

We have the same look on our faces.



Taylor Twellman did to Toronto FC supporters what he used to do to us as a player - make us shake our heads in disbelief. This time however it wasn't dissecting a TFC defence with a cheeky pass but via the keepie-uppie of the internet, Twitter...

Ready for a blockbuster? I'm hearing @torontofc on the verge of signing Michael Bradley. Would be a huge coup for @MLS and @torontofc #USMNT
— Taylor Twellman (@TaylorTwellman) January 8, 2014

Read it once. Read it twice. Go on - thrice it. It's apparently true and being backed up by more than a few sources close to the US Soccer program. Not yet in the world of "imminent" but many using "in the works" to describe the rumoured 7M Euro transfer of the 26-year old American midfielder from AS Roma to BMO Field.

On a day that was going all Jermain Defoe (see following post) things have taken a shocking and unexpected turn. Could this still all end up as nothing but transfer window coocoo-kaka? Sure. It happens. But to say that TFC is being quite audacious in their attempt to flip this club upside down is an understatement. If of course this is true.

This rumour obviously has a lot of smoke attached to it but a deal of this scale is not going to pass easily. There will be salary negotiations, the mysterious world of MLS DP transfers and also the itchy reminder that (with Defoe) TFC will already have their three Designators. Shenanigans will have to ensue for this to go through but grabbing the US National side's midfield maestro would turn TFC's off-season from evolution to full-blown revolution.

That was not a Taylor Twellman pun.

UPDATE (January 9th, 2014)
Things are moving at a very rapid clip surrounding all things Bradley to TFC. The midfielder was first left off of AS Roma's squad today which was followed by reports that his agent has called the deal to Toronto "complete". More reading on potential baldness sightings here...