THE STARTING 11: Signs that this TFC season wasn't as bad as everyone thinks

Get used to it you cesspool reading vocal minority. You negative Nellys (see what we did there?) need to look on the bright side of life with TFC. Like... it hasn't been 10 years without playoffs... yet. And stuff like that! Yes 2014 may have dropped out of the unzipped Vanney Pack and hit the soon-to-be-Argos turf with a thud, but this season had some tremendous positives as well. Like so...

11. Michael Bradley's optometrist has finally gotten over his fear of staring at another human in the eyes

10. "Yo mama" jokes found new life late in the season

9. Tim Leiweke stopped showing up to fan events in a size "Medium" TFC track suit jacket

8. Projected intra-squad headbutting incidents fell well short of pre-season fears

7. MLSE saved a bunch of money on their car insurance

6. British Airways frequent flier miles are through the roof!

5. Chris Konopka didn't once climb the CN Tower in order to swat at bi-planes

4. We can go to sleep at night with the image of Julio Cesar weeping gently in a tiny towel burned into our minds

3. Zero invisible cheques signed

2. The Reds finally reached their goal of becoming a feeder club to one of Cyprus' top ten clubs

1. Managers were capped at two

THE STARTING 11: Obvious Questions Omitted From The End-of-season Presser

Though everyone's favourite TFC fake news outlet was totally invited and even had our press passes FedEx'd over, we couldn't possibly make it due to our prior engagements and all of those other end of season press conferences we had to cover, the outro interviews came and passed with slightly more than a whimper, but a plethora of typical soundbytes. In the spirit of hard hitting journalism (from the back of the room, possibly while donning ski-masks), we give you the questions that we're too difficult to answer... or ask.

11. "Mr. DeRosario, are you SURE this is where and how you want to go out?"

10. "Mr. Bloom, can you say whether Michael Bradley has made an offer for your personal butler/valet services on the condition of Defoe's departure?"

9. "Joe Bendik, any truth to the rumour that you'll be on the undercard for the WWE Royal Rumble in January when you face off against Felipe?"

8. "T-Bez, as a believer in analytics of complex statistics, remind us again how the coaching replacement was the right move?  It seems the stats of winning, points and goals for all decreased dramatically right around the start of September."

7. "Doneil, it isn't that fucking APOEL you're going to, is it?"*

6. "Someone mentioned that Luke Moore has been on the panel for the last hour and answered one question out of nowhere.  Can anyone confirm this?"

5. "Nick Hagglund, on this line-up sheet, the word defender is crossed out and center forward is written above it. Are you sure you want this?"

4. "Hey Gilberto, with all of the other DPs skipping out for surgeries in their home countries, what secret surgery are you planning to get done back in Brazil?"

3. "Mrs. Defoe, since you can get your son out of here, is there anything you can do for Jackson?"

2. "Hi Greg, would you agree, philosophically speaking, that you can move forward and downward at the same time, yes?"

1. "To the Tims, have you been adding to the Big Book of Toronto FC Excuses and are you planning on selling copies of it to other expansions teams, or are you expecting them to dwarf this clubs accomplishments by their first five seasons?"

* = not a held view, generally indifferent to the Cypriot league

THE STARTING 11: Things that TFC supporters are most looking forward to

The final match of a losing season is often used by football clubs as a chance to try a few different things and give a few youngsters a run-out as a prelude to brighter days. Supporters can often find crumbs of solace in these displays to warm them through the off-season. TFC finished their losing season (8 in a Series of 30) with another thrilling night of VanneyBall (TM) and left the supporters with these great morsels of optimism as we head towards 2015...

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.  They probably can't jack up our seat prices.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

THE STARTING 11: Advantages to having so many Montreal Impact fans visit BMO Field

Toronto and Montreal. Rivals in so many things. Language, culture, business, terrible mayors, Prime Minister-themed airports and who Upstate New York wants to take to the prom. No list of inter-city rivalries of course would be complete without sporting interests. Whether it is real football, Canadian American football or ice football, these two great cities love to battle it out. TFC and Montreal Impact have a nice little head-to-tête going on and the clubs' fans are travelling in greater numbers. On Saturday, BMO Field hosted its largest ever group of MLS away supporters and when that many of our swarthy, brooding cousins from Quebec stop by, it has advantages...

11. Stadium's "No Smoking" rules completely out the window for one afternoon

10. Proposed "safe standing" sections accelerated by random seat removal in away section

9. Inevitably poor BMO Field weather helps both sets of supporters ignore flying spit

8. They bring their own cheese!

7. High number of flares helps planes land at Toronto Island Airport

6. The GO Train ends up sounding like a classy, double-decker Orient Express

5. Much higher chance of seeing Mitsou

4. The haunting pre-match song "You'll Never Prov-alone"

3. BMO Field demolition costs plummet with assistance from visiting "volunteers"

2. Quebec/Ontario relations are strengthened as thousands of people join together in their mutual disdain for Vancouver Whitecaps

1. Bitchy Le Hawk

THE STARTING 11: Things that Toronto FC are giving thanks for

It's that most wonderful time of the year again when Canadians celebrate getting a draw against Turkey in the Great Pumpkin War. Never forget the nutmeg we lost in Istanbul. On this most solemn of days, it is right to give thanks for the things we often take for granted. This "GivingThanksDay" (what a great name for a holiday - we should TM that) is one not overlooked by the players and staff at TFC who are individually giving thanks for:

11. BRIGHT DIKE: the fact he still exists despite TFC's best efforts to disguise his whereabouts

10. JASON BENT: Immortality

9. MARK BLOOM: Coupons from No Frills

8. DANIEL LOVITZ: Shallow depth charts

7. WARREN CREAVALLE: A barber who remembers what Big Daddy Kane looks like

6. BRADLEY ORR: 360 days without headbutting someone

5. JACKSON: 357 days without headbutting someone

4. MICHAEL BRADLEY: The giant pile of money that makes him temporarily forget he was playing for Roma one year ago

3. GREG VANNEY: Making Tim Bezbatchenko believe using the word "interim" was for wimps

2. JERMAIN DEFOE: The generous volume of daily flights from Toronto to London

1. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Having one last chance to remind himself why he left this club in the first place

THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe missed about being in Toronto

Winter is comin'

He's back! Our l'il lord and saviour Jermain Defoe has returned from the nightmarish hell that was re-habbing a devastatingly injured groin... or something. Whatever. With Canada's apparent Third World medical facilities, Defoe has spent much of the summer back in England doing his best to prepare for a playoff push and #goals... or something. Whatever. Either way, the bloody big deal himself has prodigal-returned to Toronto where he will be happy to luxuriate in the many pleasures he missed while away...

11. Coming home to any of his three houses

10. Playing FIFA15 on his giant screen TV - transferring himself to all of the Premier League clubs

9. Catching up on the hilarious sitcom "The 2014 Toronto Mayoral Election"

8. The generous days off

7. Toronto's thriving multicultural lady community

6. Late-night Skype sessions with Harry Redknapp

5. The top-notch service of his butler Mark Bloom

4. Queen's Park

3. The fine staff in the British Airways First Class Departure Lounge at Pearson International

2. Cozy Scrabble nights at Drake's place

1. How spring turns to summer; summer turns to autumn; and autumn turn into the January Transfer Window

THE STARTING 11: Hidden features in the BMO Field expansion plans

"WAS"

Phase One: "How interesting!" Phase Two: "Look at that roof!" Phase Three: "Say what in the whatnow? Aww nuts." Yes, in the words of a guy who used to work around these parts - "get used to it." BMO Field is being expanded into a 30,000-seat, gleaming Euro-style stadium suitable for an ambitious MLS club with visions of grandeur... and then a CFL team. Enjoy! However, it's not all bad news Toronto FC fans - there are some great hidden features that you may have missed in those architectural diagrams...

11. A touching memorial to real grass

10. High tech attendance counters that only read "SOLD OUT"

9. Luxury Hawk Box

8. ButtyBuffet

7. Tiger-Cats and Columbus Crew fans now fully interchangeable!

6. New GO Station access that guarantees you only miss your train by 30 seconds every time

5. Plenty of bandwagon parking

4. A monument to the brave, wealthy, fat white men who made this all possible

3. Handy permanent gridiron lines help soccer fans know exactly how many yards it is to goal!

2. Hilarious novelty trophy case

1. Football replaced with football

THE STARTING 11: Chivas USA rebrands

Well that's it Toronto FC supporters. Our long, heated rivalry with Chivas USA is likely over. The next time we see them - whether that is in 2015 or beyond - they will likely have a new name, look and philosophy. The idea to have a satellite Chivas Guadalajara in Los Angeles was not a bright idea from the beginning, akin to TFC having been branded Toronto Arsenals or something to that effect. So as The Goats stumble off into the MLS sunset, we want to offer as a parting gift, 11 great rebranding ideas for this never-storied club...

11. Club UnAmerica

10. The UnderaChivas

9. Goatafe

8. Inglewood Californian Thistle

7. Santos Laguna's Little Helper

6. SeeYaCaliFranchiseThatExistedWithoutFocus 
(aka Real Mary Poppins)

5. Clippers FC

4. FC Zenit San Andreas

3. The Mighty Dukla of Anaheim

2. Olympitacos

1. Los Hobos

THE STARTING 11: TFC coach employment perks

Let's face it - if Toronto FC coaches were wild animals, they'd occupy the endangered species list somewhere between pandas and unicorns. Since the club's inception, a wide array of motley crews (not Motley Crue cuz that would be awesome) have patrolled the sidelines under a number of different managers. Some were experienced veterans of the game, some were as green as they come... some got the job for PR and only recently departed. Ahem. Either way, it's a tough track suit to put on but there are some terrific perks to the job that keep those resumes coming in!

11. You get to live in Bitchy the Hawk's box rent-free for 2 whole weeks!

10. There are millions of dollars in MLSE non-disclosure agreement funds to be had upon your inevitable sacking

9. Mark Bloom is your personal butler

8. The minimum level of success expected: better than Jim Brennan

7. Always the chance that one day the coaches' bench will get picked to get free promotional pizza slices at halftime!

6. One day Jermain Defoe may talk to you!

5. Zero experience no detriment to professional advancement

4. A solid 8 months job security

3. "It's a nice little job for you to learn stuff by"

2. Medical, dental, butty

1. A 1 in 5 chance that you're the next manager

THE STARTING 11: Other things that Ryan Nelsen did to anger Tim Bezbatchenko

It just wouldn't be a season with Toronto FC without a high profile sacking. We've regularly said goodbye to managers, coaches, GM's, presidents and now even a Brennan! While the firing of Ryan Nelsen wasn't an utter shock, the timing did catch many by surprise. However, it seems like tension between the manager and the general manager Tim Bezbatchenko had been bubbling for a while. Perhaps it wasn't just football-related problems that brought things to a head though - possibly a whole host of Nellie issues that got under TBez's skin...

11. He's too tall to be trusted

10. For a Kiwi, his Lord of The Rings knowledge was average at best

9. Didn't even take the time to introduce him to the dreamy Younes Kaboul during the Spurs friendly

8. Refused to play keytar in his garage band "The Cap Wonkz"

7. After Tim Leiweke announced he was leaving MLSE, Nelsen was way to slow in referring to him as "Prezbatchenko"

6. Never learned to speak English

5. Nelsen failed to unleash the potential of Reggie Lambe

4. Couldn't get him Crocodile Dundee's phone number

3. Claims that Nelsen is a raging Anti-Badge-ite

2. Wouldn't tell him the location of "Old Zealand"

1. Tired of hearing "Teem Bizbeechinkeh"

THE STARTING 11: Worst jobs at TFC

Not the parade Leiweke had in mind

 

Happy Labour Day you wacky labourers. On the day where we appreciate the value of the working man and woman in society/weep giant tears that summer is over, we also take a closer look at local employer/dream killer - Toronto FC. Many of you would surely like to land a job working for your beloved club but before you shine up your resume, take a look at these less-than upwardly mobile BMO Field careers...

11. The English-to-New Zealish translator

10. The barber trying to shave a CNE corndog into the side of Dominic Oduro's head

9. The team trying to get "Joe Bendik - The Cologne" off the ground

8. The guy that has to hold the bowl over Nick Hagglund's head during his weekly haircut

7. The crew that has to re-capture the Timbits children after halftime and put them back in their cage until the next match

6. Ryan Nelsen's personal Post-Match Excuse Assistant

5. The engineer that must make sure that Warren Creavalle's cameo is perfectly level before kick-off

4. Butty-mopper

3. Assistant Bitchy the Hawk

2. The intern that has to cut ticker tape for all of Tim Leiweke's imaginary parades

1. Substitute defender



THE STARTING 11: Things that Tim Leiweke wants to accomplish before leaving Toronto

Drake (feat. Tim Leiweke)



Well that was a bloody quick deal. A day after vehemently denying his departure from MLSE, that very same glorious corporation announced Tim Leiweke's exit as their head honcho by next summer at the latest. While Leiweke blew into Toronto like a hurricane, he leaves on a mysteriously short-term breeze. Make no mistake, the blustery salesman did some good things during his time as MLSE CEO but there are a few things he wants to accomplish before leaving Toronto for good...

11. Surf on top of a GO Train wearing nothing but an ill-fitting TFC warm-up jacket

10. Be in a Drake video

9. Get his hilarious sitcom script starring Muggsy Bogues and Joao Plata in the hands of a Hollywood producer

8. Teach Ryan Nelsen not to pronounce his name as "Teem Leewikky"

7. Figure out what the hell Jim Brennan actually does

6. Put an end to the "Bee-right" vs. "Bright" Dike debate

5. Finally get Mo Johnston to move out of BMO Field's basement

4. Hide in the Ecuadorian embassy until this whole LeiwekeLeaks scandal blows over (Ed. - please fact-check)

3. Complete his album of sexy slow jams with Fran O'Leary

2. One night out as Jermain Defoe's wingman

1. Release Chris Konopka back into the wild

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE Attractions

Also how TFC chooses managers



Hot dogs are being corned; Judas Priest mirrors are being shined; ice-cream and waffles are about to make sweet, sweet love; and, the Polar Express really wants to go faster! Yes it's time once again for the Canadian National Exhibition, Toronto's annual goodbye to summer/ carny-folk's annual hello to your sister. Of course the Exhibition Grounds are also the permanent home of local foot and ball squad/profit enthusiasts Toronto FC and as usual, the club has their own set of attractions to add to this year's festivities...

11. Ol' Gil's Wolf Steaks

10. The House of 2015 Season Ticket Increase Horrors

9. Julio Cesar practicing alone in a field

8. AIR SHOW EXCLUSIVE: Bitchy the Hawk vs. The Snowbirds

7. The Jeremy Hall of Mirrors

6. Timmy B's Allocation Casino

5. Bradley Orr head butts The Superdogs

4. "Word Up" - Warren Creavalle's one-man tribute to "Cameo"

3. Collin Samuel judges/eats the butter sculptures

2. Jermain Defoe guesses the age, weight and phone number of your girlfriend

1. Club Excobar

THE STARTING 11: Rewards for beating Bayern Munich in the MLS All Star Game

The most hipster club of all time.

According to many, the 2014 MLS All Star Game was one of the best versions of this annual match. Of course it's still an All Star Game so being called the "best one" is akin to being the tallest midget. We are not really fans of the "Late Mid-Summer Not-Quite Classic" but hey, we probably aren't the target audience. Either way, the MLS potpourri squad put on a show for the skinny jeans in Portland and by beating European giants Bayern Munich, scored some sweet Germanic rewards in the process...

11. Upon his recently announced retirement, Landon Donovan immediately becomes Vice-Chancellor of Germany

10. Don Garber's new office is in the tower of Neuschwanstein Castle

9. Kraftwerk to play halftime at MLS Cup

8. Portland Timbers allowed to rebrand as ultimate hipster football club "Borussia Portmund"

7. Crew Cat gets special delivery of free imported bratwurst for a year

6. Jürgen Klinsmann forced to give Toronto FC a full refund for "fixing the club"

5. For drive back to the airport, team bus graphics changed from reading "BAYERN MUNCHEN" to "BUTT MUNCHIN'"

4. Timber Joey gets 2 hours to "have his way" with the Black Forest

3. Ribery to Chivas USA

2. Bayern Munich manager forced to change name to "Chip Guardiola"

1. France has surrendered to Major League Soccer



THE STARTING 11: TFC-related roadside attractions on Highway 401

"No Maxim, no!"

The "401 Derby" between TFC and Montreal Impact is not only one of MLS' most fierce rivalries but also one with a heavy flow of supporter traffic between the two cities. Connecting Toronto and Montreal is of course the mighty Highway 401 (and then something called an Autoroute 20 in Quebec). Along the rather mundane journey are a few spots of interest: "The Big Apple" near Colborne, a short detour to Jungle Cat World in Orono; and, that mystery smell near Cornwall. However, if the keen TFC supporter keeps an eye out, they will find a few spots with great relevance to their beloved club...

11. "The Issey Nakajima-Farran Inhumanity Memorial"

10. A 40-foot tall Greg Sutton goalkeeper's glove

9. The spot just outside of Bowmanville where the TFC bus pulled over to let Danleigh Borman pee in the woods only to drive off without him on purpose

8. The rural barn which Chad Barrett could infamously not hit the side of

7. The massive pothole in the express lane where Maxim Usanov punched the Highway 401

6. The curb where Mikael Yourassowsky used to is still trying to hitch a ride back to Belgium

5. "The Maurice Johnston On-Ramp to Nowhere"

4. Every bridge that crosses to the USA where Jacob Peterson used to try and escape the team bus and run across to freedom

3. The Thousand Islands / The place where Collin Samuel drank a bottle of Thousand Islands salad dressing

2. Prescott, Ontario's infamous nightspot "Club Prescobar"

1. The Official Town of MLSE: Port Hope



THE STARTING 11: Wasted puns due to Sporting Kansas City's re-branding

Wait for it...

From a football league point of view, we think the re-branding job done by Saturday's opponent Sporting Kansas City was aces. Any time a MLS club shakes their former roller hockey nickname, an angel gets his wings. Looking at you Impact. That being said, the rainbow madness that was Kansas City Wiz/Wizards was always such a nice pun-filled bonus for blog hacks like us. Fixtures against the ex-Wiz now see great/awful punmeat like so go wasted...

11. "Reds hit tough spell"

10. "There's no plays like at home"

9. "Waste the rainbow!"

8. "A cauldron of sh*t"

7. "Up the Wizard's sleeve"

6. "You shall not pass! Or score!"

5. "Wiz all over us"

4. "S-Orr-cery" / "Orr-lock"

3. "MLSE finds pot of gold... under beer stand"

2. "Bumbledorks"

1. "Bored of the Rings"

THE STARTING 11: Ways TFC can make the Spurs friendly more entertaining

Definitely not this fun



We have banged on for years here about our dislike for mid-season friendlies. We still think they are money-grabbing, energy-wasting injury magnets but we have always understood your attendance if your childhood club was the opponent. (So mail your letters calling me a hypocrite to "P.O. Box: I Don't Give A Toss"). As many of you know I'm a born Spurs supporter but I totally get that this match will end up bordering on naptime for those not Lilywhite and/or a fan of TFC's B-Squad. Not to fear though, TFC has plenty of entertainment lined up to keep you nice and friendly...

11. The Aaron Lennon Eyebrow Shaving Booth

10. An emotional halftime presentation where corporate sister club Tottenham Hotspur agree to help move the Toronto Argonauts... to the Emirates Stadium

9. Roberto Soldado vs. Gilberto "First-to-Five-Goal Challenge"! (Time Limit: 7 hours)

8. Tim Leiweke and Daniel Levy chase a hundred dollar bill on a string around the pitch

7. Kids get to hunt for prizes in Benoit Assou-Ekotto's hair

6. Sandro vs. Jackson face-off for the title of "World's Angriest Brazilian"

5. The pre-match parade of the two clubs' combined 58 managers from the last 20 years

4. The two teams to sit in a sharing circle and talk smack about Thierry Henry

3. Chas 'n' Drake

2. Bitchy vs. a Fighting Cockerel

1. Winner keeps Defoe

THE STARTING 11: Signs that you are already suffering World Cup withdrawal

That could totally work on the TTC

 

It's over! We thought it was something special but you just got up and packed your bags. Well... it was a great month... we'll always have Rio. Yes, the FIFA travelling road show/circus of corruption that is the World Cup has torn down their gold and diamond-encrusted tents leaving us waiting for four long years and a reunion in Russia. Breaking up is always hard to do though and here are some tell-tale signs that you aren't handling the lack of World Cup action well...

11. You refer to spending hours getting drunk in a pub as a "mandatory cooling break"

10. Preparing to switch your nether region grooming from a "Brazilian" to whatever a "Russian" may be

9. Angering your girlfriend by constantly trying to get her to wear really tight Colombian kits

8. Your Facebook status is: "Questionable (Groin)"

7. You invite a confused elderly man over for dinner just to remind you of Roy Hodgson

6. Your friends all roll their eyes behind your back when you pretend to suddenly know everything about the country of Costa Rica

5. You spray paint your loafers gold just to give yourself a sense of achievement

4. You keep getting kicked out of Starbucks for biting the person in line ahead of you

3. Keep trying to get extra space on the subway by putting a line of shaving cream down in front of you

2. You got fired for constantly asking co-workers to swap shirts with you at the end of the work day

1. You added an umlaut to your name



THE STARTING 11: Rejected alternatives to World Cup penalty shootouts

Hey, we know that dude!

 

There really isn't a more heartbreaking way to go home from the World Cup than by being on the losing end of a penalty shootout. Years of qualifying, training, preparation and group stage victories can all be cut short by a goalkeeper's glove or the wide shot of a nervous kick-taker. However, matches can't go on forever and a deciding competition must exist. While the penalty shootout survives for now, word is that FIFA had polled some of the qualified nations for the current World Cup to find out how they would like a stalemate match decided.

11. SWITZERLAND: Sudden-death fondue party

10. BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA: First team with the word "and" in their name advances

9. NIGERIA: First team to send a spam email from a "prince" wins

8. ENGLAND: Team with most 1966 World Cup victories moves on

7. URUGUAY: "Who can eat a defender fastest?" competition

6. RUSSIA: Loser gets annexed

5. FRANCE: Most devastating existential crisis is forlornly victorious

4. GREECE: Last team to score wins

3. USA: Guns

2. GERMANY: Most umlauts wins

1. BRAZIL: Wax Off!



THE MATCHUP: Catching Fire... (With Bonus STARTING 11 - Yours Free with Purchase!)

Great Lakes fever!

 

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - WEDNESDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Because TFC are attempting to become a fairly solid club away from home. Fun and weird isn't it?!
- Can the smouldering Jermain Defoe keep his hot streak alive? Can he play a full 90? Are him and Gilberto BFF's 4 Life again?
- Because Chicago and Toronto have some real hard-nosed battles and really should be more heated rivals.
- Can TFC's bench strength produce the same positive football we saw in large parts of the match against New York?
- Deep Dish is excellent.
- Can Gilberto bounce back from injury and get another goal?
- You'll still be hungover from Canada Day - have a better plan?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Grandos Lagos"

THE DUEL:
Mike Magee vs. Jermain Defoe

BONUS!!!

THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe said to Gilberto during their free kick scuffle

Strikers are a proud lot. The best ones want the ball at their feet at all times. While that desire to be the big man on campus is a positive for many forwards, it can sometimes create friction with teammates. As TFC supporters watched on with horrific visions of a dressing room meltdown, Jermain Defoe and Gilberto went handbags at each other at Red Bull Arena with Defoe knocking the ball away before walking away swearing in Cockney. Luckily for Gilberto, he scored a screamer and the what-ifs will never need to be worried about but what was said to him by Defoe in the lead-up to that famous goal?

11. "I'm a Big Bloody Deal! You are merely a Fairly Substantial Acquisition!"

10. "Yikes! I just saw a C.H.U.D. under the pitch let me slam its cannibalistic head with the ball!"

9. "This is NO way to treat a former guest of the Much Music Video Awards!"

8. "There is absolutely no way you score here. Mathematical impossibility. Boy are you going to look dumb. It's your life chum."

7. "This is a disgrace! I played for Portsmouth! I command your respect!"

6. "There's a bee on the ball! I'll swat it off for you pal!"

5. "Do you realize how many potential New York WAGS are waiting to watch me take this free kick? So selfish."

4. "Please let me take this. If I score then the Daily Mail will write another article lambasting Roy Hodgson!"

3. "Ok, let's pretend to fight... when they get distracted... blast it!"

2. "This ain't no car commercial Gilberto."

1. "You're lucky I don't bite you."