THE MATCHUP: Où est l'Playoffs?

TORONTO VS. MONTREAL

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The 401 Derby"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- 2:1: The odds that TFC's post-match will include the words "mathematically", "still", "in" and "it"

- Corners: Where General Managers paint themselves into when refusing to add the word "interim" in front of a late-season coaching hire's title

- Jermain Defoe won't necessarily consider a defeat to Montreal on Saturday as a loss but more gaining a day towards his next emotional reunion. Glass half full.

- In the middle: Where Michael Bradley in most effective and also where he finds himself between Don Garber and Jürgen Klinsmann

- 5-10: Number of players we will probably be seeing in a TFC kit in person for the last time

MONTREAL IMPACT

- "Lots": Just how much Impact would love to end TFC's season

- 30%: Approximate number of seats that will remain intact in the away supporters' section by the final whistle

- Scoffing: The noise that will be heard around the stadium when visiting Montrealers sample BMO Field poutine

- "Still inhumane": Issey Nakajima-Farran's feeling towards TFC

- "Marco Di Vaio": The name that finishes the inevitable TFC supporter sentence "You just knew it would be __________"

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: 99 Problems and 9 Points are 9

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA - SATURDAY 7PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Must-Win Part VII: Cronin's Revenge"

FACTS* AND STATS**

NEW YORK RED BULLS

- This will be the final fixture between New York and Toronto this season (barring playoffs - snort) thus robbing local Toronto fans a reason to wear Thierry Henry kits to TFC matches like that's ok

- Security has been heightened as usual for a night fixture in Harrison, New Jersey as autumn is the natural feeding time for the local C.H.U.D. population

- "Bradley Wright-Phillips is twice as valuable as Jermain Defoe" is a sentence no English columnist ever thought they would have to ponder

- Corporate sponsor Red Bull has made noises about pulling their ownership of the New York club with the names Sexinthe City FC, I'm Walkin' Heerenveen and New York Cosmos Kramer leading in a re-branding competition

- To celebrate Columbus Day weekend, New York Red Bulls plan to "discover" that Toronto FC aren't really very good

TORONTO FC

- To prove that they are a much better club than the one that lost that infamous 5-0 match at Giants Stadium, TFC have vowed not to lose by more than four goals on Saturday

- Next year, Toronto FC will have two separate trips to New York City with the incoming NYCFC added to the schedule. TFC is seriously looking at signing Jesse Barfield to help address the challenges of playing at Yankee Stadium

- The terms "must win" and "momentum" have officially been replaced at TFC by the terms "mathematically possible" and "still in it"

- Despite rumours, Sam Cronin was not offered to TFC on-loan for one match in order to explain the team’s woes post-match

- To celebrate Thanksgiving Day weekend, Toronto FC plan to thank heavens that this season is nearly over

*Maybe

**Possibly

THE MATCHUP: Orange Is the New Bleurgh

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON

BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"El Problemo"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- This is Toronto FC's Must Win Match 7 in a series of 9

- "A problem": The last two words of most sad TFC supporter jokes if Dynamo go up by a goal

- "?": The official club line on the status of Bright Dike

- MLSE isn't too concerned with any possible adverse supporter reaction to a loss on Wednesday. Instead, angry fans will be invited to pick up a sledgehammer and take it to BMO Field's East Stand to vent frustrations - and save MLSE hundreds in demolition costs.

- "Witch's Tit": The accurate temperature forecast for a midweek evening fixture at BMO Field in October

HOUSTON DYNAMO

"Open": The position most likely to find Brad Davis in vs. Toronto

- "Irony": The grammatical tool used when using the word "dynamic" in relation to either of these two clubs

- With a loss, Dynamo face elimination from the MLS Playoffs. With electrocution, Dynamo faced elimination from The Running Man.

- Houston GK Tally Hall has once again won the prestigious "MLS Player That Most Sounds Like a Wealthy Country Club Billionaire Award"

- 0: Things that rhyme with "orange"

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: #ThanksLandon

LOS ANGELES VS. TORONTO

STUBHUB CENTER - SATURDAY 10:30PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Tonight Show in Bloody Carson"

Listen, every match is a "must-win" for TFC in October but no matter what happens on Saturday night/Sunday morning, The Reds will still be in the playoff chase on Monday. With that, we stop worrying about this potentially ugly fixture and instead thank the retiring LA Galaxy superstar Landon Donovan. No, not for the years of great service to MLS - but for this - our very favourite picture of any North American soccer star. God speed Landon... keep erotically sipping for the stars.

#ThanksLando

THE MATCHUP: Momentum before it was cool

TORONTO VS. PORTLAND

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Craft Brew Cup"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- Splinters: The Timbers-related injury Defoe is likely to pick up

- "Mo": What you can't spell momentum without

- 3: The phase of BMO Field expansion where it all goes wrong

- "Day-To-Day": Current listed condition of the TFC bandwagon

- If TFC can beat Portland they move to 2nd in Cascadia Cup standings

PORTLAND TIMBERS

- 30: Average waist in inches of Timbers supporter skinny jeans

- Portland mascot Timber Joey and his log have been detained by Canada Border Services on a number of logging charges

- Will Johnson and Michael Bradley are set to have the league's greatest tantrum battle

- Portland defender Pa Modou Kay has won the prestigious "MLS Player Who Sounds Like a Star Wars Character" trophy

- Despite the result, Portland Timbers are in a can't lose situation as they would simply tell their fans that a loss to TFC would be "ironic"

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE MATCHUP/AFTER 90: Adios

TORONTO FC VS. CHIVAS USA

BMO FIELD - SUNDAY 3PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET 360

In solidarity with the dozens of fans of Chivas USA who likely face at least one full season without a club, we will honour our Goat enthusiast friends this weekend by doing what Major League Soccer will do to them. We are going on:

HIATUS

THE MATCHUP: No Days Off

"2015? Anyone? Anyone?"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO

TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET ONE

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Save Ferris Charity Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

CHICAGO FIRE

- "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up. Your ass is mine." is Mike Magee's favourite bit of banter in the tunnel before a match.

- It is German Heritage Night at Toyota Park on Saturday. Security will be on high alert to stop attempts by suburban teens who aim to illegally join the halftime parade.

- "Like Dirty Harry": How Jeff Larentowicz models his game.

- The Toyota Park PA system is equipped with a high-end synthesizer that has over 50 different pre-loaded coughing and barfing sound effects.

- Angry Fire supporters, disappointed with a lacklustre season, have threatened to reverse a 1961 Ferrari off of the stadium's upper deck.

- "Abe Froman's Sausages" have won the 2015 Toyota Park concessions license from local French caterer "Chez Quis" whose staff were deemed "snooty" and/or "snotty" by Fire supporters.

- "You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." - Frank Yallop to Greg Vanney post-match after commiserating on TFC's playoff hopes.

TORONTO FC

- "Soft": The best description for Gummi Bears that have been sitting in your pocket all day and/or the Toronto FC defence.

- "SAVE NELLIE" has yet to appear on a single Toronto-area water tower.

- TFC's sub-par scouting department spent 8 months attempting to sign a "Danke Schoen" who they thought was a potential German DP striker.

- "Voodoo Economics": The financial plan being put in place at MLSE to attempt the sale of 2015 TFC season tickets.

- "Anyone? Anyone?": The answer to the question of "Who is this new TFC assistant coach?"

- "Ed": The only Rooney likely to sign for TFC anytime soon.

- "Enough": How many Days Off Jermain Defoe has had.

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: Rocky too

Unleashed!

TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET 

TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Apollo Creed Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- "Un": Greg Vanney's preference in regards to leashing.

- "DP": The level Michael Bradley needs to play at.

- Ex-Red Maurice Edu, whose transfer fee famously "paid for BMO Field's grass" will be taking 20 square yards of it home with him as per his transfer negotiation.

- "Decimated", "rag-tag", and "by committee" are the leading descriptions for TFC's defensive line for this fixture.

- If Toronto FC go on to lose this home-and-home series they will actually pick up a trophy in the "BIMBO Cup" sponsored by Union's own kit sponsor.

- 6th: Potential place in the Eastern Conference table TFC could hold by Monday

- 4: The games in hand we used to all laugh about. Good times.

PHILADELPHIA UNION:

- Union will be wearing a special patch on their kits to commemorate the departed American legal legend Judge Philip "Uncle Phil" Banks

- It's almost Toronto's turn to sign Sebastien Le Toux.

- "Still not that one": remains the answer to "Fred plays for Philadelphia?"

- "Austin Berry" is both a Union defender and the # 4 highest selling muesli in Texas

- 2 Shots on goal + 2 saves = Zac MacMath

- "of the Snake": Union still more popular than Philadelphia Union.

- In the event of an unlikely TFC 2-0 victory we are selling the headline "BOYZ II MEN 0" to the highest bidder.

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: Rocky times

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET

TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Ivan Drago Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

PHILADELPHIA UNION

- "High": Percentage chance that Maurice Edu will hurt TFC.

- 4: The Rocky sequel that is our greatest guilty pleasure.

- 50/50: Average chance of surviving a night match trip to Chester, Pennsylvania.

- 12: Amount of pounds a cheesesteak outweighs a chip butty by.

- "Not that one": Most popular answer to "Oh, Fred plays for Philadelphia?"

- 7 or 8: About the time when The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air "pulled up to a house"

- "BIMBO" continues to be the most hilariously awesome MLS kit sponsor.

TORONTO FC

- 0:  Minutes Greg Vanney has managed a professional team.

- 90: Minutes left in Greg Vanney's "honeymoon period".

- 100: Percent chance that Ashtone Morgan still exists.

- 14: The maximum age of player that new assistant coach Nick Theslof was coaching until a few days ago.

- 0: Percent chance of Jermain Defoe seeing out his TFC contract.

- Two separate fourteen hour round trips to London, England in one month are shockingly not the most common re-hab practice when nursing a chronically injured groin.

- 30: Points left on the board for TFC. Counting down from now...

Possibly*

Maybe**

THE MATCHUP: Blind Ambition

TORONTO VS. NEW ENGLAND
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Ye Olde English Derby Matche"

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 4: Hours it takes the average fan to get in and out of BMO Field during the CNE
- Fetal: The position you would find Ryan Nelsen in after someone proposes he plays three attackers up front.
- 17,000: Number of people at BMO Field who underestimated the influence of Steven Caldwell until recently.
- 8/10 TFC fans will never be arsed to say Gilberto's full name
- 25%: Chance that Ashton Morgan still exists
- TFC and Revolution personality Paul Mariner hates ocean travel. Irony.
- If this match is a draw after 90 minutes, a winner will be chosen by blind draw.

NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION
- After debuting at BMO Field, new Revs' DP Jermaine Jones will likely expect fans to sit on both sides of the pitch at Gillette Stadium. Mistaken.
- "Shuttleworth": The surname of Revolution goalkeeper Bobby and one of NASA's finest astronaut compliments.
- "Fagundez!" continues to be Major League Soccer's best family-friendly curse-word.
- 0: Number of hot dog eating competitions won by Revs' midfielder Daigo Kobayashi.
- 33% of Wahlbergs have an interest in Saturday's match. Funky.
- "Partially torn musket" is still the most common Revs' injury.
- Two thirds of the name "Canadian National Exhibition" is ironic when used in the same sentence as "Teal Bunbury".

*Possibly
**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: "Do you wanna go Fire?!"

TORONTO FC VS. CHICAGO FIRE
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM
TV: SPORTSNET 360

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 98%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's resignation will be involve the word "Argonauts"
- 2%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's successor at MLSE will have any f*cks to give about TFC.
- TFC physios are on alert for higher than usual "corn dog-related" injuries for the duration of the CNE.
- 7: Number of emotional reunions this season if Jermain Defoe returns to The Reds' lineup this weekend.
- Vegas odds put a Robert Earnshaw Saturday hat-trick at 2:1
- 82%: Probability of this fixture descending into a skirmish, kerfuffle and/or handbags.
- "Yes": The only acceptable answer to "Do you wanna go faster?"

CHICAGO FIRE
-72% of Americans think of the TV Show first when they hear "Chicago Fire"
- 6 Months: Average gap between Robert Earnshaw goals in Major League Soccer.
- Fire forward Harry Shipp has won the coveted 2014 "Player Whose Name Most Suits a Pirate"
- Chicago currently 2nd in the Eastern Conference behind Montreal Impact as "The New TFC"
- Fire were third place in the recent Chicago Cup behind FC Earth and Wind City.
- "Draw": Frank Yallop's favourite result during a game of "Win, Lose or Draw"
- Chicago Fire defender Hunter Jumper is the closest thing MLS has to a green British sweater.


*Possibly
**Maybe

THE MATCHUP: We could be Royals

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO FC
SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN 2

FACTS* AND STATS**
SPORTING KANSAS CITY
- 7: Amount of days since a Sporting player has violently vomited on the pitch during a match.
- Part of Matt Besler and Graham Zusi's lucrative new DP contracts includes large swathes of actual Kansas.
- It is tremendous fun to yell "SAL ZIZZO" while using a stereotypical Italian-American accent.
- 97: How American Jacob Peterson is on a scale of 1-10
- SKC defender Chance Myers is not in the MLS Top 25 in chances. Irony.
- Soony Saad is actually a very happy person.
- Former Kansas City Wizards great Maurice Johnston will not be honoured before this match.

TORONTO FC
- 3: Number of letters difference between "contenders" and "pretenders".
- Opposition physios have put in orders for extra bandages, splints and ice packs to prepare for the imminent return of Bright Dike.
- 0.7: Average amount of times TFC supporters have complained about Justin Morrow this season.
- Quillan Roberts has been recalled from Wilmington to aid Warren Creavalle's attempt to form a "Cameo" cover-band.
- 1.3: Dwayne De Rosario sightings per month.
- 4: Souvlaki skewers eaten by Mark Bloom at "Taste of The Danforth" before complaining of "tzatziki headache".
- Jermain Defoe is leading MLS in emotional halftime reunions.
　
*Maybe
**Possibly

THE MATCHUP: It's a Crew, Crew Summer

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

FACTS* AND STATS**
COLUMBUS CREW
- Crew Stadium is the USA's first soccer-specific stadium and winner of the "Most Flammable Scoreboard Award" 2010 - 2013.
- A group of leading American opticians have come out against a proposed friendly tournament between Columbus, Norwich City and Villarreal calling it a "reckless assault on eyesight".
- 1/3 of photo-realistic construction workers featured on terrible football badges are known carriers of The Clap. Don't be a victim.
- 14th overall SuperDraft pick and Columbus defender Ben Sweat has been loaned to Dayton Dutch Lions putting the brakes on his burgeoning R&B/Soul career.
- 10: Average number of patronizing pats on the head Crew's Federico Higuain gets from his brother Gonzalo at family gatherings.
- Crew Stadium security have been battling internal fighting amongst two factions of Crew supporters who can't agree whether their kits are "canary" or "banana".
- 12.77: Dollar amount raised by Columbus Crew mascot "Crew Cat’s" charity single "Lickin' My Bits for You". 10% of proceeds go towards the fight against Feline AIDS.

TORONTO FC
- Having already captured the 2014 Trillium Cup, Toronto FC will receive their bounty from Crew this weekend: 450,000 trillium bulbs. Lucrative. Floral.
- 6.5: Height in inches of Warren Creavalle's cameo. Word up.
- There is a 93% chance of finding Dominic Oduro in a Columbus-area "Papa John's" pizza restaurant this weekend.
- 20: The over-under amount on Jermain Defoe "groin injury" gags we use this weekend.
- Toronto-area bro's have a 1 in 5 chance of getting tasered in Central Ohio.
- The Reds are said to be doing well and resting comfortably after a near-miss with an overpriced Colin Kazim-Richards transfer. Disaster averted.
- 9/10: Number of times that TFC defenders urgently look for Michael Bradley when the ball ends up at their feet.

　
*Maybe
** Possibly

THE MATCHUP: Feeling Blue

MONTREAL VS. TORONTO
STADE SAPUTO - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby"

FACTS* AND STATS**
MONTREAL IMPACT
- Nick De Santis has become the first Italian name to ever leave Montreal Impact involuntarily.
- 7.5: Gallons of leftover cheese brine used to irrigate the Stade Saputo pitch. Fermental!
- A "Dilly Duka" has become the hottest gherkin-based side dish to a Montreal Smoked Meat sandwich.
- 3: Puppets used on the Quebecois kids' show "Jacques, Macques & L'Ernie"
- There is a 50% chance that the Impact's 2014 season is just a very elaborate Just For Laughs Gag.
- 14: Weeks before Frank Klopas must clean out his office.
- Futty Danso is only 17% as fun as he sounds.

TORONTO FC
- Reds' newcomer Warren Creavalle will be pressed into action by Ryan Nelsen because "his last name sounds a bit Frenchy and stuff".
- The club is keeping the existence of infamous Montreal nightspot "Club Super Sexe" a secret from Jermain Defoe until after the match.
- 3: Number of TFC fans who still consider Issey Nakajima-Farran's trade as #inhumane
- Dominic Oduro has publically expressed his relief that he wasn't dealt to Montreal as shaving a provolone ball into his hair would have been "too weird".
- Before settling on Bitchy the Hawk, TFC considered an expensive transfer that would have brought the St-Hubert Chicken to Toronto to defend BMO Field from seagulls. Saucy!
- 18: Other MLS clubs who would chew off their arm to have Michael Bradley in their line-up so stop being crazy when he has an off-night.
- Gilberto has been frustrated in both of Canada's official languages.


*Maybe
**Possibly

Filibusted

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO FC
RFK STADIUM

Due to technical difficulties/those fat cats down in the capital, THE MATCHUP did not appear prior to this match. The Yorkies apologize for this indiscretion and have written a terse letter to all applicable MP's, MPP's, Senators, House Members, Whigs, Politburos, policy wonks and both right-wing and socialist lobbyists to rectify this misdeed. Regular programming will return tomorrow.

We are The Yorkies and we approve this message.

TOO LATE TO BE "THE MATCHUP"

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Crack Mayor Derby"

A few facts* and stats** we missed pre-match:
- Washington D.C. and Toronto shared this year's United Nations prize for "Big Dumb City Most Likely to Re-Elect a Crackhead Mayor"
- 372: Number of matches worldwide today between a "United" and a plain old "FC"
- 1: Letter left off a D.C. United supporter’s tifo to make it awesomely read "CREAMING EAGLES"
- 18: Number of years D.C. has been rocking MLS' most righteous kit.


* Maybe; **Possibly

NOT NECESSARILY "AFTER 90"

FINAL SCORE: D.C. UNITED 3 - TORONTO FC 0

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Too fugly. Everyone gets the goat.

THE MATCHUP: Waste the Rainbow

TORONTO VS. SPORTING KC
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Wizard's Sleeve"

FACTS* & STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 2: Number of eyeballs used by Michael Bradley to give opponent withering, emasculating stare down.
- 93% of Toronto-area Benfica supporters have an irrational hatred of Sporting KC.
- 3,212: Amount of scarves still "held up high" during national anthems.
- 68% of things are still Mo Johnston's fault.
- Saturday's match is also "Soviet Union Heritage Night" just to get on Jacob Peterson's tits.
- 50% of clubs in this fixture remember Preki fondly.
- 28: Approximate number of "Wiz", "Wizards" or "rainbow" mentions in our post-match report. Dependable.

SPORTING KANSAS CITY
- 2nd Place in the East Sporting KC have played 43 more matches than TFC so far this season. Games in hand.
- 830,000: Amount of unwanted yellow "Livestrong" rubber bracelets buried under Sporting Park.
- Aurelien Collin is a full 5/8ths more annoying than your garden variety Frenchman.
- 110%: How American Jacob Peterson is.
- Sal Zizzo leads the league in the "Player Who Should Open a Pizzeria after Retirement" category.
- 14: Fluid ounces vomited on the pitch this season by Igor Juliao. Gross.
- Sporting manager Peter Vermes has once again been handed the prestigious "Coach with a Name you Expect to Hear on a Creepy TV News Story" by his peers.

　
*Maybe
**Possibly

THE MATCHUP: Orange is the New Onyx: Season 2

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Escobar"

FACTS* & STATS**
HOUSTON DYNAMO
- In the previous fixture against Toronto, Houston forward Brad Davis had 98% possession of the ball in the first 20 minutes.
- Giles Barnes and Tally Hall lead MLS in "Sounding Like Wealthy Country Gentlemen"
- 38% of all league defenders claim to suffer from "Temporary Orange Blindness" after a Dynamo counter-attack.
- Contrary to internet rumours, Will Bruin is not in fact half-bear cub. Wild.
- 98: Percentage of arguments won by Dynamo co-owner Oscar De La Hoya at MLS Board meetings after he cracks his knuckles dramatically.
- BBQ Sauce-related injuries have dropped by 7% at BBVA Compass Stadium since 2013.
- In the off-season, Dynamo forward Omar Cummings hosts a weekly cable-access current events show in his native Jamaica called "Cummings & Goings"

TORONTO FC
- TFC's "onyx" alternate kit could reach 63 Degrees Celsius in the Texas sun.
- Ex-TFC defender Miguel Aceval is listed as "Day-To-Day" in regards to appearing at Houston nightspot Club Escobar.
- 180: The SPF level in the suntan lotion TFC medical staff apply liberally to team albino Kyle Bekker.
- 10% of all Houston-area jail bonds are posted by a "Julian B. Guzman"
- 23: Former kit number of ex-TFC winger Alvaro Rey and also the same amount of minutes he spent in Columbus, Ohio before begging Crew to release him.
- 9: Average number of times Andrew Wiedeman dramatically takes of his designer sunglasses in the press box over 90 minutes.
- 88: Level of Candy Crush that Steven Caldwell is stuck on. Sweet.

　
*Maybe
**Possibly

THE MATCHUP: Night Caps

An evening with Carl...

 

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: TSN

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel"

MATCH FACTS* & STATS**
TORONTO FC
- Despite being third in the Eastern Conference, TFC have an alarming 35 games in hand over 2nd place Sporting Kansas City.
- Dominic Oduro averaging 8.7 slices of pepperoni pizza a week since move from Columbus, down from 2013.
- Ryan Nelsen is five wins from becoming TFC's all-time winningest manager. No, really.
- Gilberto has the same number of goals in his last two appearances as his national side of Brazil does. Prolific.
- Jermain Defoe leads the league in touches. Mostly bum and boob.
- The Reds are 7-5-2 all-time during night matches where the temperature is above 25 degrees Celsius and the other team has a manager with a strange hairline.
- It is Micronesian Heritage Night in one row of BMO Field this Wednesday.

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS FC
- Vancouver is coming into Toronto off of a home loss to Chivas USA. Just let that one sink in for a moment.
- Carl Robinson has a pre-match ritual vs. TFC which includes both smirking and snorting in Jim Brennan's direction.
- Despite lack of concrete proof, it has been accepted that Caps midfielder Pedro Morales is NOT the same Pedro Morales from 1980's WWF wrestling. Disappointing.
- Darren Mattocks currently leads MLS in "Looking Like an Effeminate Version of Predator", a category he has dominated since 2012. Reliable.
- More than 50% of Matias Laba's completed passes still legally belong to TFC.
- "Lenarduzzi'd" has been added to the 2015 Webster's Dictionary.
- 43% of Caps supporters will be high by the 20th minute.

*Maybe
**Possibly



THE MATCHUP: Orange is the New Onyx

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
BMO FIELD: SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

Our regular match preview has been pre-empted by this modern art piece which highlights all of our favourite examples of Dynamo that exist in the football world...
 

THE MATCHUP: Taxi for Luis

TORONTO FC VS. D.C. UNITED
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 2

We admit it. Sometimes during these stretches of the season where the matches come thick and heavy, time gets the best of us and our hard-hitting, award-winning* journalism suffers. But not to fear fellow Eff Cee supporters, thanks to the internet machine we have sourced some quality scouting reports about D.C. and laced it with our own award-winning** facts and statistics.

Here then (via Wikipedia) is the plot outline of Hollywood blockbuster "D.C. Cab" with important TFC information added for your match preview requirements...

PLOT SUMMARY
Naive but good natured young man Luis Silva arrives in Washington, D.C. with plans to work for Ben Olsen, manager of the run-down District of Columbia (D.C.) Cab Company. Aware of the sorry state of his business and from the competition from the popular Nationals Cab Company and Wizards Cars, Olsen wants to clean it up, as well as build a new home, but doesn't have the financial means to do so. Complicating matters is the motley group of cab drivers that he has working for him. They all see driving as a dead end job while they wait for better lives in the Western Conference, until Luis inspires them to work as a team.

A valuable Open Cup Trophy is found in one of the cabs earning Olsen and his wife a $10,000 reward as owners of the cab. Olsen wants to share the money with the drivers and let them invest in the cab company as partners. However, his greedy wife Kevindra Payne picks up the reward money and tosses Olsen and Luis' belongings out of the house and tells them to "get used to it". The cabbies are not happy about losing their share of the reward, and Luis decides to donate $6,063 of his own allocation money to the cab company and convinces the drivers to stay and make something of the company and themselves. The cabbies completely overhaul the entire business and the revitalized company soon supplants Nationals Cab as the most popular in the city.

Later on, the cabbies work together to rescue Luis and a Washington Diplomat's two children after they're kidnapped. The movie ends with a parade in DC Cab's honor. And then a late goal against Toronto FC to snatch a draw.
　

*No actual certified awards
** "Participant"Awards made by family count, right?