AFTER 90: Big Gulp

From Ohio With Love



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM

FIRST HALF:
1' - A beautiful evening in Central Ohio as the rivalry between Crew and TFC continues. What better way to celebrate the Trillium Cup glory than with a big jug of refreshing imported Ohio drinking water! Down in one!
3' - I don't feel so hot...
4' - Oh God... BACK IN A BIT!!!

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43' - GOAL: Toronto - Gilberto calmly slots one home to give TFC the lead! Suddenly feeling better!
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 1

45'+ - PENALTY - Referee calls a handball on Justin Morrow in the Columbus area. Federico Higuain steps up and GOAL past Joe Bendik. Here comes the Toledo water again!
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:
46' - Damn you Toledo water. Baldomero is now the second worse thing named Toledo!
47' - Jesus Andy Travis save me!

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53' - YELLOW: Doneil Henry. GREEN: Ohio water.

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59' - GOAL: Jonathan Osorio cleans up a Luke Moore dribble/fumble. Solid. Like this water.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 2

61' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Jackson ON

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78' - Lake Erie, you horrid algae-producing swamp...

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81' - GOAL: A long looping ball from Justin Meram is misjudged by Doneil Henry which confuses Joe Bendik. A farcical equalizer.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 2
82' - Lots of 2's tonight.

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84' - GOAL: Things coming thick and fast. Not a digestion joke. Luke Moore gets his head on a sharp corner and restores the TFC lead.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3

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90'+ - SUB: Luke Moore OFF / Kyle Bekker ON / Stomach OFF

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5.5 / Warren Creavalle 6.5 / Nick Hagglund 7 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Justin Morrow 6 / Dominic Oduro 6 (Jackson 5.5) / Michael Bradley 7.5 / Collen Warner 6/ Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Luke Moore 6.5 (Kyle Bekker N/A) / Gilberto 7

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Michael Bradley

THE MATCHUP: It's a Crew, Crew Summer

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

FACTS* AND STATS**
COLUMBUS CREW
- Crew Stadium is the USA's first soccer-specific stadium and winner of the "Most Flammable Scoreboard Award" 2010 - 2013.
- A group of leading American opticians have come out against a proposed friendly tournament between Columbus, Norwich City and Villarreal calling it a "reckless assault on eyesight".
- 1/3 of photo-realistic construction workers featured on terrible football badges are known carriers of The Clap. Don't be a victim.
- 14th overall SuperDraft pick and Columbus defender Ben Sweat has been loaned to Dayton Dutch Lions putting the brakes on his burgeoning R&B/Soul career.
- 10: Average number of patronizing pats on the head Crew's Federico Higuain gets from his brother Gonzalo at family gatherings.
- Crew Stadium security have been battling internal fighting amongst two factions of Crew supporters who can't agree whether their kits are "canary" or "banana".
- 12.77: Dollar amount raised by Columbus Crew mascot "Crew Cat’s" charity single "Lickin' My Bits for You". 10% of proceeds go towards the fight against Feline AIDS.

TORONTO FC
- Having already captured the 2014 Trillium Cup, Toronto FC will receive their bounty from Crew this weekend: 450,000 trillium bulbs. Lucrative. Floral.
- 6.5: Height in inches of Warren Creavalle's cameo. Word up.
- There is a 93% chance of finding Dominic Oduro in a Columbus-area "Papa John's" pizza restaurant this weekend.
- 20: The over-under amount on Jermain Defoe "groin injury" gags we use this weekend.
- Toronto-area bro's have a 1 in 5 chance of getting tasered in Central Ohio.
- The Reds are said to be doing well and resting comfortably after a near-miss with an overpriced Colin Kazim-Richards transfer. Disaster averted.
- 9/10: Number of times that TFC defenders urgently look for Michael Bradley when the ball ends up at their feet.

　
*Maybe
** Possibly

It's been a slice! Alvaro Rey delivered to Columbus for quick Dominic Oduro

Hold the anchovies.

 

Every week is MLS Rivalry Week in Toronto FC's front office! Hot off the heels of #inhumanely dealing Issey Nakajima-Farran to The Cheesemakers, The Reds sent another winger in Alvaro Rey to Columbus today. Coming in return from the Ohio Riviera is Ghanaian midfielder and speed merchant Dominic Oduro.

The 28-year-old Oduro makes TFC his sixth MLS home since 2006 which in official statistical analysis is referred to as "puttin' it about" or being "The League Bike". As mentioned above, Oduro's main skill set is his pace which must be attractive to Ryan Nelsen's "tactics" (stop laughing) which relies heavily on quick counter-attacks - mostly channeled towards the center of the pitch. Although Oduro may be pressed into wing service, the departures of Issey and Rey illuminate the lack of interest in natural wingers to Nelsen.

While Oduro has natural skills he has never managed to reach the next level of development in MLS and while useful, has left fans expecting more. While his wages are MLS-high, he is a domestic player due to an American green card which Rey was not. Also - Oduro is one of the FIFA All-Time Top 25 players to play a match with pizza shaved and dyed into his hair. Fact.

Speaking of fan expectations, Alvaro Rey leaves TFC with a few supporters wishing he had done more. The man who never said no to an unnecessary step-over could still carve out a useful MLS career under a system that keeps the ball on the deck but his $200k-plus wage was never of value at TFC. His previous career in the lower depths of the Spanish second tier never seemed like a good platform for this league.

But hey... Pizza Head!
 

"I approve of this message"

THE STARTING 11: Trillium Cup privileges

Take that, Budweiser FA Cup!

We have banged on for years now how the Trillium Cup is a farcical corporate faux trophy. Despite TFC's exciting comeback victory on Saturday, the reward for winning the annual series of matches between Columbus Crew and The Reds is still lame-o. To watch a player like Jermain Defoe look at the local tin-cup and sort of lift it in sort of victory is all a bit cringe. That being said, there are actually a few rarely known perks to winning the cup. No, not money - but these privileges aren't bad...

11. Tim Bezbatchenko is bestowed the title "Archduke of Dayton"

10. TFC gets dibs on the next Higuain offspring

9. Gilberto gets to take credit for the next three Columbus goals

8. Former Crew cheerleaders "The Crewzer Dancers" are re-united for Jermain Defoe's amusement

7. Columbus must hire Jim Brennan as their next manager

6. When detaining Toronto fans in Columbus, Ohio police must stop using tasers in favour of tickling them into submission

5. TFC's captain is invited to light the next ceremonial scoreboard fire at Crew Stadium

4. The fine folks at Crew sponsor Barbasol must travel to Toronto and treat Tim Leiweke to a classic olde timey hot shave... full body

3. The three construction workers on Crew's badge must help build BMO Field's new roof for free

2. Columbus mascot "Crew Cat" must spend a romantic evening making sweet, sweet inter-species love to Bitchy the Hawk

1. Argos to Crew Stadium

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Columbus... or ohmYGAWDWHATTAFINISH!!!!

 

Friends, allow me to regale a tale of terrible timing...

Well here's how it started...

15' - I'm bored.  Like super mega bored.  Nothing worth WATCHING has happened.  Well, it's warm and my drink is empty. Concession time has already come.

For the record, I rarely buy anything at the ground, and I NEVER walk away from a match in progress.  Never.  Then apparently this happened...

16' - SUB - Orr is hamstrung and Lovitz is in #hamstrong

17' - GOAL - I never go to the concessions during play.  That figures.  Didn't see it.
ROBINS 0, CRUE 1

20' - PENALTY - So I come back to my seat and I've missed an injury, a substitution, an away goal, and this stupid thing.  All I see is someone down on the ground whinging about something and then a crowd roar of approval.

Never leave your seat.  Ever.

21' - GOAL - Defoe buries it low left side 

ROBINS 1,  CRUE 1

41' - Bekker free kick curls well into the party beer bro tent

Half-Time mood : pre-comatose. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't good TV, I suspect.

65' - GOAL - Viana, bah
ROBINS 1,  CRUE 2

65' - YELLOW - Bendik for bitchin at the ref

65' - SUB - Jackson off for Gilberto

66' - Gilberto has a go and flies over the bar #TakeAShot

71' - SUB - Osorio comes off for DeRo.  

"When will Osorio get injured (or come off)" was our prediction of the game.  The stats went as follows:

@RedWineRoz picked 47th minute
@theyorkies1812 picked 60th minute
@DuncanDFletcher picked 72nd minute
@kzknowles picked 82nd minute
@ignirtoq picked 89th minute

So close Duncan. Kristin for the win.

73' - Bloom takes one in the face and he's down.   He'll continue but damn...

77' - YELLOW - Gilberto is booked for a Columbus player's elaborate rolling around one man play.

80' - YELLOW - Bekker in the books

81' - GOAL - Finally some open play stuff.  Header through over the top, half volley from Defoe and buries it.  No chance for Clark.  Absolute class.
ROBINS 2, CRUE 2

89' - DeRo out muscled and out sized fights off a defender to draw a free kick

90' - GOAL - HOLY S#IT!  From the free kick, Lovitz free finds the head of Henry who buries it. Absolute mayhem ensues.
ROBINS 3, CRUE 2

4 mins of extra time

It's over!  It's over!  Stone Cold!  Stone Cold!  Awmahgawd!  The Robins pull it off!

Full time : TORONTO 3, COLUMBUS 2

Man of the Match : Defoe for being all class.  No, thank you.

Goat of the Game : all of TFC for the first 15 mins.   Borrrrrrrringgggg

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Blew some calls, made up for some later, felt like he wanted to be a part of the Match so badly.

Kit Spotting : SC Braga home wins, but there's a Colo Colo home as an honorable mention

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I would give myself a good face-slapping whenever the team starts any half as uninspired as they tend to do.  Perhaps the next acquisition could be someone who could administer a good smack in the face

If You PVR'd it : start watching around the 15th minute, stop after the 22nd minute, then just fast forward until the 75th minute to give yourself a lovely crescendo to the finish.

What a damn finish.  Seriously, I'm still giddy about it 6 hours after the match.  Historically, Toronto is on the end of some of the most spectacular collapses in league history.  But somehow, against all odds, in the face of a very real tradition, they did it.  And if this is Henry's signature manoeuvre, then please, never change.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Bloom 6.5, Hagglund 6.5, Henry 6, Morrow 6, Jackson 6.5 [Gilberto 6], Orr N/A [Lovitz 6.5], Bekker 6, Osorio 6.5 [DeRo 6.5], Defoe 8, Moore 7

@ignirtoq wanted to write more, but the shock of such a thrilling finish required that he takes a nap, and nap he did.

THE MATCHUP: The "Other" Cup Final*

Trillium cup. Trillium saucer also pictured.

 

(*Not in any way a Cup Final) 

 

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Well our fair manager claims that this match is a cup final akin to the NutCan vs. Montreal. So there.
- Just to be clear it's really not.
- If TFC win the Trillium Cup, will the Daily Mail proclaim Jermain Defoe as "cup winning World Cup omission"?
- Can this be Gilberto's big day? Stop laughing.
- How will Columbus handle Higuain's absence?
- How will Toronto handle Caldwell's absence?
- Has Columbus Crew cleaned Crew Cat's kibble out of the cup?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:
Gilberto vs. Jaio Arrieta

WHO ARE YA?
While it was easy to mock Ryan Nelsen's assertions that a Trillium Cup final and a Canadian Championship final are of the same stature, it turns out the Kiwi wasn't as far off as we thought.

Breakaway football organization FIFFA (Federation International Floral Football Associations) has just announced that the Trillium Cup winner will now be eligible for their international tournament - The Floral World Cup.

Held annually in a billionaire's botanical garden, the Cup will see either Columbus or Toronto test their skills against other winners of football/floral competitions including the winners of Switzerland's "Edelweiss Pokal", Moldova's "Weed Growing Out of Concrete Cup" and Colombia's "Copa Del Perfectly Legal Cash Crop".

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #Juliaoooooo
Do you find yourself saying "I like reading almost-football based words but boy do I wish I could stick them in my earholes"? Well now you can!

In this week's episode, Kristin is brow-beaten into giving Bradley Orr his manly due, Tony finds it's not easy bein' cheesy, Duncan has a spoiler about Saturday's halftime show all while Mark is away at the USA camp and ruining Landon Donovan's dreams.

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and set your ears to stun! FAGUNDEZ!

While you're clicking you should really read our partners in pod Waking The Red. They like to write actual real, quality TFC stuff. Weird. They are linked in our Links section on the right. Where else would they be?

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

THE MATCHUP: "Hey You, The Not Red-dy for The Crew"

Yeah. No drugs there.



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 6PM ET

TV: SPORTNET 360

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Well apparently Columbus are our heated rivals. Apparently.

- Can TFC manage to look much different than TFC 2012 without the likes of Jermain Defoe, Steven Caldwell, Jonathan Osorio and (PENDING) out of the line-up?

- Is Ryan Nelsen able to juggle a starting eleven and change his tried and tested tactics to paper over the big challenges The Reds have this week?

- Which club will win the annual prize of the world’s supply of trillium seeds?

- Is DP Gilberto capable of spearheading an attack alone?

- Will Crew Cat be in one of his pussy stupors?

- Who the hell will start in the back four?!

- What noise does it make when tourists jump off a bandwagon?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:

Steve Clark vs. Julio Cesar and/or

Crew Cat vs. His Demons

WHO ARE YA?

Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford may be an international laughing stock but has a surprising supporter in the form of Columbus celebrity - Crew Cat. The notorious MLS mascot bad boy has had more than his fair share of very public run-ins with the law and shared his kinship with the Toronto "mayor" with Ohio press this week.

"Look, them left-wing dog-owning commies up there in Toronto don't realize how lucky they is. Rob Ford is the single greatest civic leader since my former owner Marion Barry. Like me, Crew Cat, Robbie loves pullin' on that sweet glass kibble, has more than enough Crewzer Dancers to eat at home, loves pissing in public and has a whole litter of totally awesome party siblings..." (Crew Cat then paused for 20 minutes to tongue-bathe his genitals and make a call to someone named "Itchy Dave" about "his order")... "Also" Crew Cat continued "I have equally little patience for Nelson Mandela and Paralympians. Overrated. I'm Crew Cat and I approve this message."

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
April 5, 2008: Mo Johnston was informed by MLS Head Office that it was literally impossible to accept his trade offer for the three construction workers on Columbus Crew's badge despite his overly generous offer.

 

And... Since they already have sweet yellow shirts on...



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Crew vs. Latvia

It's a funny thing living in Canada and not really being all that much of an iced hockey fan. Attitudes toward my kind range from social pariah, to traitor to the nation and on to suspiciously extraterrestrial. But it's true and it’s what sees me as one of seven Canadian citizens ignoring Canada vs Latvia in Sochi and opting for TFC v Columbus Crew at the Mickey Mouse Tournament in Orlando. On the internet. Via Twitter mostly due to dodgy streams.

I lead a rich, full life.

So here it is, a friendly versus our "bitter rivals* (*closer to butter rivals) as gleaned from crap read off of social media...

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO - Space Mountain, Orlando Florida

1' - Brazilian DP Gilberto leading a strong TFC line-up from up top. Crew line-up is assumed to be wearing yellow.
5' - Michael Bradley passed to the Canadian women's bobsled team for a Gold Medal
10' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higauin from a free kick. The end is nigh.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
12' - GOAL: Columbus - Josh Williams from a corner. The end nigher. #NelsenOut #SpringtimeForSatire
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
14' - GOAL: Toronto - Own Goal. Sport Goofy maybe? Sure. Slightly less nigh.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
20' - Someone on Twitter's sister made thousands working from home. I should ask her how.
25' - Free @TOMayorFrod
35' - De Ro has done little to help Canada beat Latvia
40' - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE PUPPY IN A HAT]

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

45' - 2nd Half underway. A game of two halves? One for the neutrals? Givin' it 110%? All the clichés are up for grabs in Orlando!
47' - SUBS: Agbossoumonde and Wiedeman in for Caldwell and Gilberto. Tactically speaking this move is indicative of... oh who are we kidding? Wet Wiedeman gag. That's better. No more subs talk.
48' - Mighty Latvians have been brought down to Earth by plucky underdog Canadians! That one was to up my street cred. Was that good guys?
55' - FACT: Neither Arsenal nor Bayern Munich have won the Disney Soccer Classic.
61' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Something named Adam Bedell puts TFC to the sword. Serious nigh action.
COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1
65' - [RANDOM RIGHT-WING AMERICAN POLITICAL RETWEET FROM PERSON YOU DON'T REMEMBER FOLLOWING] 70' - "Hilarious" tweets highlighting that "TFC spent $100 Million on this?" never getting old.
75' - Football men kicking footballs.
80' - What if they made ski jumping into a thing where there are two hills facing each other and the first jumper to the middle wins?
89' - What am I doing with my life?
90' - #Nigh
90'+ - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE CAT HUGGING A MONKEY]

COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1

AFTER 90: Claws out for the lads! - Special Guest Post by Crew Cat

 "What do you mean I have 'Crazy Eyes'? Maybe you're on drugs!"

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM

From time to time we realize that you, our devoted readership (whassup you two, how's the family?), get a little tired of our hard-hitting style of investigative journalism. So, a couple of times a season we invite a guest columnist to sit-in for TFC match coverage.

Since tonight is the universally awaited finale to the 2013 Trillium Cup, we aimed high to bring you an analyst with in-depth knowledge of this infamous rivalry and one who has seen its drama up close like few others. Ladies and gentleman, the Intercontinental Soccer-Football Mascot Symposium 2006 "Mascot of the Year" (Third runner-up), USA Mascot This Week's "Mascot Most Likely to Give You a Rash" 1999, 2001-2005, 2007, and 2009-2012, and successful defendant of three separate civil lawsuits... from his private (litter) box at Crew Stadium, tonight's reporter "Crew Cat"!!!

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - "Yo how's it hanging Toronto. You ready for my jelly? You mangiacats still in "re-building" mode? Yeah thought so. Let's get this sh*t on the road - I gots two Siamese waiting for me at my motel."
1' - "We're Trillium Cup Champions!"... said no one ever without irony. Seriously, there's like five of them laying around here... Chad Marshall puts my kibble in one. I use the 2008 one as a bong."
8' - "Your Scottish captain Caldwell tried to get his head on a corner. About as useful as a Scottish Fold in a whorehouse." (Cat Trivia: Scottish Folds have terrible libidos. Trust me.)
15' - "I went to Toronto once, it's no Columbus but I had a crazy night at the Toronto Humane Society. Cages full of honies - and they go full fur in Canada. Props."
19' - GOAL: Meeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: "Federico Higuain makes Fancy Feast out of Doneil Henry. Totally gonna lick my bits now."
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
21' - "Sorry the Toronto FC but your defence is exactly like a dog... useless on so many levels."
23' - "You know who's a Class-A douchebag? Timber Joey. Pervert."
30' - "TFC chasing the ball like me vs. rolled up tin foil."
34' - "Dominic Oduro hit that ball into Joe Bendik like Jerry hitting Tom with an anvil. God speed Tom" #Never Forget
36' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley... "Seriously did Garfield eat too much lasagna then die then put on a TFC shirt? That is one orange dude."
40' - GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. YEEACHHHHHKK!!!
41' - Sorry dudes, hairball.
44' - "So why did you guys get rid of Paul Mariner? Partied with that wildman a few times after matches. Couldn't understand a word he said. Swear he gave me ringworm."
45' - "Halftime. Going for a um... nap. Don't come looking for me."

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

"Yeah, give Daddy his sweet Colombian nose kibble"

 

SECOND HALF:
45' - "WHOOOOO!!! That was some high grade Colombian 'catnip'! Let's do this and then let's go down and spray this town yellow!"
47' - "Here's one for you hosers: What do I, Crew Cat, and Toronto FC's strikers have in common? We've both been neutered by Chad Marshall! OH SNAP! Just jokin' with you guys. It's good to joke. Except about Feline AIDS - that sh*t ain't funny."
53' - "Oduro chance stopped by your pickle guy, Bendik. I once mistook Oduro's hair for a calico. He wasn't happy."
55'- SUB: Reggie Lambe on for Alvaro Rey... "...sorry? What? I was licking some bits."
60' - "Sorry ladies... fell asleep there for a while. You guys still losing? Of course."
66' - SUB: Maximiliano Urruti on for Robert Earnshaw... "This is your Messiah? This skinny kid? What happened to his head? Looks like a black cat died up there. Racialist."
68' - GOAL: Meeeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: So you guys wanted to see an Argentine score amazing goals? You're welcome to drop by anytime. HI-GUA-IN"
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
73' - "Yeah - I got mange. What are you gonna do about it?"
78' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Matias Laba "...huh"
80' - "You wanna know what's wrong with the Toronto FC? You dumped Nick Soolsma. That blonde bitch loved himself a cat. Him, his cat Suarez and me used to get medieval after a match. I remember little. Yeah, Nicky got the rabies but that's rock n' roll."
83' - "You dudes know the Dallas mascot Tex Hooper? Meth.
88' - I miss the Crewzer Dance Pack. Those ladies knew how to scratch a bro. That blonde one and that hairy one. What were their names? Itchy & Scratchy I called 'em. Whatevs. And about the pregnancy... CC was neutered back in '05. Nice try gold-diggas!"
90'+ - Let's party. Smoke 'em if you got em' Canadia.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0

  

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik: Teh LOLZ / Richard Eckersley: Distemper / Steven Caldwell: Scottish Fold / Doneil Henry: Mange / Ashtone Morgan: Dander / Alvaro Rey: Coronavirus (Reggie Lambe: Feline Herpesvirus 1 ) / Matias Laba: Ringworm (Jeremy Hall: Iris cysts) / Jonathan Osorio: Mange / Bobby Convey: Mange / Jeremy Brockie: Liver fistula / Robert Earnshaw: Cataplexy (Maximiliano Urruti: Roadkill)

 

CREW CAT'S TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
"Joe Bendik for teh LOLZ"  

 

THE (CAT) BATH:
"Look hosers, we're never gonna be cuddle buddies. I might spray you out of pity but that's about it. That being said, how you crazy f*ckers still follow his team is something. If my owner saw me in that much pain he best be getting me euthanized.

 

Don't sweat it though Toronto, if Crew Cat knows anything about science, you only have two more lives to go and the thing dies once and for all. So lay back, lick your undercarriage and it will all be over in 2015.

 

Gotta jet, I'm gonna go drop a deuce in the 2013 Trillium Cup. Meow suckers."

 

The views expressed by Crew Cat were Crew Cat's alone and not necessarily those of The Yorkies or Columbus Crew. Well we're guessing about the Crew and we actually think he made some decent arguments.



THE MATCHUP: Urruti or not, here we come

"I'll just wait here guys..." 

 

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

 

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

 

THE KICKABOUT:

Under the cloud of the "will he, won't he, when will he sign" Maxi Urruti drama, TFC make their final trip to the Ohio Riviera on Saturday to face their "Bitter Rivals (TM)". Not hot enough for ya? Well the fixture is also the decider for the trophy that even the trophy's mother couldn't love - The Trillium Cup. Oh yeeeeah!

 

Nothing really encapsulates the crudulence of this manufactured and sponsored silliness like an 8th place Crew hosting the 9th place TFC. Put it in a city that's not quite Cleveland and not quite Cincinnati, in a stadium that has a spontaneously combusting scoreboard and a stage and top it off with a mascot that is supposed to be a cat but looks like a rabid badger... and stir. (Confession: we love the filthy Crew Cat)

The good people at Scotts Turf must be dining out on the good press of sponsoring the biggest cup fixture since the 1971 Texaco Cup 3rd Round Preliminary Qualifier.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Dominic Oduro

TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba. Jonathan Osorio

 

THE ODDS:

- Urruti signing well before the match: 10-1

- Urruti signing in a cab on the way to Crew Stadium: 5-1

- Urruti signing for Crew: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?
Earlier this year, Crew Stadium was hit with embarrassing calamity as the ground's scoreboard caught fire (above), melting a giant hole into its face. Sadly, this was only one of many mini-disasters that wrought destruction upon the rapidly aging stadium this season. Apart from the fire there was the localized tornado that only struck the children's playground outside the stadium, massive flooding overwhelmed Crew Cat's litter box, riots and looting destroyed a corporate suite during the failed "Anti-Xenophobia Symposium" and of course box-office drought. The suspected earthquake near the chili-dog stand was later proven to be "Big Dave" from Section 102.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "IT'S A CREW, CREW SUMMER"

And... since it's Friday and if you squint your ears, you can ignore the soft "EL" at the end of "cruel".

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Columbus... or Welcome to Trilliumania XVIII

If you can channel WWE/F commentator Jim Ross, it'll make for an easier read.

We are LIVE at BMO Field with a "capacity crowd of nearly 23000" in attendance, in sunny Toronto, Ontario, Canada where a new world heavyweight champion will be crowned.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the past year, we here in the federation have been embroiled between two warring factions where everyone has aligned themselves with one side or the other. On one hand, you have the Bumble Bee Barbers, as indicated by their yellow and black uniforms and shaving cream sponsorship, who have been the more successful of the two in the last 12 months. On the other hand there's the Red Profiteers, who have done little to show signs of progress over the same time frame.  The Profiteers, managed by Bushwacker Ryan, who is managed by The Paynemaker, who is managed by The Man They Call Tim, have made announcement after announcement that there will be new signings to their faction.  The Rock, CM Punk and Kane have long been associated with The Profiteers, but nobody ever shows up.  Where title changes matter, it’s all here, LIVE, at Trilliumania XVIII

Onto the show!

Opening Match
"Ginga Ninja" Eckersley v Josh Williams
Josh Williams nearly had the win until Eckersley was 'saved' by "Super Pickle" Joe Bendik and the two of them proceeded to beat down Williams.
Winner : Williams (DQ)

World Television Championship
“Homegrown” Ashtone Morgan (C) v Dom “Doom” Oduro
Defending champion Morgan spends much of the match in control, but his ego gets the best of him.  Out of nowhere, Oduro lays down a few chops, whips him into the rope and catches him with a missile dropkick to the jaw.  Early candidate for upset of the night.
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : Dom “Doom” Oduro

No Rules Hardcore Grudge Match
Will “Steel” Trapp & “Caesar” Augustin Viana v The Killer Bees (“Bee” Justin Braun & “Jumping Jeremy” Brockie)
Some spectacular action with number of weapons, but the match really changed when Viana was suplexed through the Spanish announcer's table, then rolled back into the ring for the cover.
Winner : The Killer Bees

Women’s Match
Rachael “Barretta” Bonetta v Ryan “Wendy” Richter
Midway through the card, everyone went to the washroom but got back in time to see the finish
Winner : Richter

Hair vs Hair Tag Match
Matias “El Gaucho Logo” Laba & Alvaro Rey “Mysterio Jr.” v Federico “Not Gonzalo” Higuain & “Luscious” Bernado Anor
A fast-paced lucha libre match, which you would think is racist since none of the competitors are from Mexico, but it’s not, because I have a friend who said it was OK (it’s a gag, work with me).  Lots of quick moves and high-flying.  Rey gets the hot tag and hits Higuain with a springboard huricanrana and clears the ring.  Upon a spectacular top rope plancha nailing Higuain at ringside, Anor catches Laba with his back to him, spins him around, kick to the midsection, and lands his Luscious Spinning Powerbomb.
Winners : Higuain & Anor

World Tag-Team Championship Match
Bobby “the Brain” Convey & “Medium Jon Studd” Osorio vs The Ohio Playaz (Danny O’Rourke & Matias “Dirty” Sanchez) (C)
Convey took much of the beating in this match.  For long periods of time, he was on the end of a vicious double-teaming at the hand of the Ohio Playaz.  It all looked to be over when the hit the Buckshot Buckeye, two-man sling-shot into the rope met with simultaneous superkicks but it took out the official too.  Just as the official had come to, Sanchez suplexes Covney, but a slow count allows Convey to kick out.  Convey ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Osorio who clears house.  The good guys
WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Winner : Convey & Osorio

“Stone Cold” Steve Caldwell vs Andy “Atom” Gruenebaum
In a match that had everyone on their feet, Caldwell was about to hit his “Stunna’” on the well beaten Gruenebaum, only for the ref to be distracted by teammate Finlay, which led Gruenebaum to clock Caldwell with a steel post.  Roll him up for the easy pin.
Winner : Gruenebaum

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chad “The Law” Marshall (C) v WiedeMankind
Marshall controlled much of the match, really working on the right knee of WiedeMankind but resorted to some dirty tricks.  Marshall was given multiple warnings by the referee, the last of which was hanging on to the ropes too long trying to hyperextend.  Once the ref got in his face, Marshall was about to hit him, but WiedeMankind hooks his arm, then proceeded to take over, one bad knee and all, torrentially raining down blows on the champion.  The underdog and crowd favourite WiedeMankind then pulls out The Greatest Sock of the Modern Era and mandible claws Marshall until he passes out, then goes for the dramatic cover, 1, 2, 3!
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : WiedeMankind

As WiedeMankind was celebrating, a man in a ski mask carrying a steel chair comes charging into the ring, sneaks up behind WiedeMankind and just wraps it around his skull, sending him to the canvas.  What followed was a series of chair shots to the wounded knee of the downed newly crowned champ.

Once he was finished his brutal assault, he drops the chair, stands over WiedeMankind and starts waving his hand... in a... cheque signing motion?  He unmasks himself, OH MAH GAWD!  IT'S DERO!  DERO!  HE PICKS UP THE BELT WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE!  OH MAH GAWD!  WE'LL SEE YOU AT (Aron) WINTERSLAM!

Fade to black

No one is quite sure what got into @ignirtoq this time around, but it was a bad idea that spiraled out of control, as they tend to do at The Yorkies.  He is a wrestling mark, and has been known to take in high-level independent wrestling shows from time to time.  And he doesn't think Ryan Richter is a woman but was necessary to call him Wendy to complete a gag.

THE MATCHUP: Motley welcome Crew

Rumour: Tommy Lee to TFC as a goalpost

 

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN 2 (Afternoon deuce-light)

THE KICKABOUT:
No major changes, no goals in over five hours of play, no wins at home for well over a year. We do however have a middle-age man in casual dress slacks walking a largely uninterested bird to the midfield where they stand awkwardly for a couple of minutes while fans look away in uncomfortable embarrassment for all involved to the strains of AC/DC. Did we mention "Chinese Heritage Day"? Can you feel the passion?

Honestly, there is very little to say here (sorry Alvaro Rey... even with you) that most of you haven't heard for the meaty part of a decade. Columbus Crew, defeatless (we know) at BMO Field in nine visits brings their travelling yellow roadshow in a fixture we're supposed to get real worked up about. Apparently. A fake derby, for a fake cup under clouds of fake transfer rumourage. So pretty much like every TFC v Crew fixture since 2008. 

Paging Dr. Feelgood.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Same ones from the last two matches.
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Tony Tchani

THE ODDS:
- Pretty much the same as 2007-2009: 2-1
- Pretty much the same as 2010-2012: 2-1
- Exactly like the rest of 2013: EVENS

 

WHO ARE YA?
This fixture has never been without controversy. Invading bus loads, religious urination, tased bro's, xenophobia and that dodgy Filet-O-Fish I ate at the McDonald's just off the interstate. This round is no different as news is just coming in from Canada Border Services that one of the three construction workers on Crew's badge has been detained at the border. Steve "Guy on the Left" Kaplowski is being held under Section 14 of the Canada Floral Protection Act. MLS officials have yet to rule whether Columbus can activate a reserve construction worker to complete their "world renowned" logo before the match.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TORONTO 0 - NIKKI SIXX"

THE SOUTH (BEER) STAND REPORT: TFC vs. Crew... or the one where The Yorkies got drunk on the May 2-4 instead

We sing in the 50th!

SATURDAY 1PM ET: For our loyal readers who have dropped by to read the usual post-home fixture article - "THE SOUTH STAND REPORT" - we regret to inform you that our regular reporter (follow him on the Twitternet @ignirtoq for malarkey) has been indisposed today. Possibly family, maybe legal, dragon-related is in the mix but definitely not crack. That's ridiculous... looking at you Toronto Star.

 

Long-story getting too long, we decided against trying to replicate our main man's charming BMO Field post-match magic and instead embrace the spirit of the first long-weekend of summer. We're going to start drinking now. It's the 2-4 and we support TFC all year. We deserve this.

 

What will follow later tonight will be brought to you by the fine unionized workers of the LCBO and the minimum-wage pint-pullers at BMO Field. This one's for you Queen Victoria...

 

Whussup party people? We said whaaaaaa-ssssssuuuup? Remember that guy?

 

Starting XXI:

Bender

Andy Richter - O'Neil Henry - Scottish dude - O'Day

Reginald Lamb - Laba Rat - Arsenio - Braunaldo

The One Who Scores Sometimes - That Kid That Got Drunk (bro)

 

Let's play ball!

1' - People are here! That's crazy but I like barbecue too. Mi castle su castle!

8'- Serious though... when I was a kid people didn't even get dressed up to got o a match anymore. Now they are like here is my Arsenal shirt because it's got WiFi for skateboarding. Pfft. Have some self-respect for yourself.

14' - Reggie Lambe? That's a lie. Liver and onions if we're being honest.

18' - You know who that was? Jesse Barfield.

20' - REFEREE!!!

22' - Loan signings coming to MY country and stealing MY jobs

24' - "OOOOOOOOHHHHH DONNIE DARKO!!! DONNIE DARKO!!! DARK-OOOOHHH!" Yes! 24, 2-4 whooooo! Jack Bauer can't beat Stefan Frei any day. Bitch!

25' - #WesleySnipes #AlwaysBetOnBlack

30' - Danny Hoovermans? Yeah I didn't order Hollandaise on my tuna melt thank you very much.

34' - REFEREE!!!

34'' - REFEREE!!!

37' - Kevin Payne? I've got Kevin Payne, it's called seven years of heartbreak

39' - Bears can NOT run sideways

 

40' - Screw you Row 2 doucheneck, I will sing what I need. "Nights in White Satin...". Sorry I'm not "Step Up: Revolution".

40' - Why didn't Hogan Ephraim just pick up the phone when Paul Orndorff called? Sad.

42' - GOAL: Columbus - Just a bunch of yellow running past red then some guy... Odoodoo?... You weren't there man.
TORONTO 0 - COLOMBIA 1

44' - I'd buy Duncan Fletcher a cake all day.

 

HALFTIME: In line for brews

 

45' - SUB: CONVOY!!! BRRRR! BRRRR! on for Braunaldo

45' - Keep playing your Limp Bizkit music BMO Field. Test me. Keep testing me. I paid my money.

50' - Get off your phones! Oh look at me I'm in HD at the match. Selfie! Shellfish more like. "Foursquare me! Foursquare me!" Get a grip. Denise.

52' - Steven Caldwell is a tall drink of carrot water. I'll be your Huckleberry Hound.

55' - REFEREE!

 

56' - Score some damn points Ryan Neilson

57' - SUB: Dwayne De Osorio on for Arsenio. Woof! Woof! Woof!

61' - Columbus Crew? More like Justin Timberlake.

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - Scott Bakula

63' - REFEREE!!!

64' - SUB: Australian guy from New Leazand on for Lamb. I got your mint sauce right here.
72' - Joe Bender is a shot blocking gherkin

75' - They don't want to pass the ball these days like Diego Madonna. They just want the latest Firefox on the LA Galaxy Notepad. "ReTweet me, ReTweet me".

82' - No, I'm not Dr. Spock are you tough guy?

84' - Kenny Stamatopolous would have done better.

89' - EMO Field is the best stadium after the French Open

90'+' - REFEREE!!!

 

FULL TIME: TORONTOS 0 - COLUMBUSES 1

 

Man of the Match: Darren O'Dea cuz he's Irish son!

 

Goat of the Game: Lamb. Bahahahaha - BURN!

 

Ref Rating: WANKER! I'd kick you in the pelvis

 

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Look Ryan Neilson has to stop letting the media dictate all his passion right? Stop putting the wrong players on the right spot and just let it happen. Don't listen to YouTube - what does she know? Just three words: giv'er

 

Kit Spotting: I saw one guy wearing four Leafs jerseys.

 

Quote of the Match:

Sir it would be best if you left.

- Some lady in a yellow jacket and a nametag that said Dave

 

I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm sorry. I know you like the other guy who writes these because he "lays off the booze". I'm not perfect okay? It's true I am no Dr. Spock but I have been to lots of these football matches before and let me tell you something about today's match that your pals in the office don't have the balls to tell you: that was a match too. Sue me. You don't like the truth? There are good seats available at Coventry City. RAcist.

 

Yeah today's match... listen guys... it's all a bit fuzzy. Something about a Barbasol can and a lab rat? Red guys were kicking stuff the wrong way, yellow dudes were like "WTF hombre?" Did they win?..... What?..... No?..... Again?

 

I'm good with my choices in life.

 

Player Ratings: I just threw up. Not from beer.



THE MATCHUP: Construction delays

"I'm too sexy for Crew Cat"



TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It's that time in the MLS schedule where Glasgow must bow to the pent-up intensity of centuries of Ohio-Ontario sectarianism as "The New Soft Derby" kicks off. Our canary-hued (7-Year) Auld Enemy is back in town to inevitably frustrate us in neither team's quest to secure the 2013 Trillium Cup. Crew may be facing a very different TFC on Saturday however as The Reds could give debuts to three newcomers: loanees Steven Caldwell and Jeremy Brockie, as well as recently acquired Bobby Convey (BRRRR! BRRRR!). You can't spell "change" without the "C" in "TFC".
　
Can Team Payne's Non-Youth Movement stop the late-match malarkey that has plagued TFC this season? Can Ryan Nelsen turn the ship around? Will there be an earthquake? Is Bitchy on the pipe? Since there isn't really any other news going on in Toronto today - this match will surely be the talk of the town.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba
COLUMBUS: Eddie Gaven, Federico Higuain, Dominic Oduro
　
THE ODDS:
The Trillium Cup to be:
- Damaged in an aftershock of Friday's quake: 10-1
- Turned into ceremonial civic crack pipe: 5-1
- Continuing its eternal irrelevance: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
With the continuing mid-season roster changes, Toronto FC could very well have a starting eleven on Saturday with a near 40% turnover since opening day. Never ones to miss a beat, the TFC promotions team are using this to their advantage by offering the delicious new BMO Field concession: "The TFC Turnover"! This unctuous pastry is bursting at the seams with leftover fruit loaned directly from some of Britain's most mediocre farms! Don't miss out on the "Trillium Cup Special" on Saturday where fans can buy seven turnovers and get 10% off a delicious "Five-Year Flan"!
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "BOBBY CONVEY TRADE BLASTED AS A LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY"

LETTERS FROM CAMP: The Turducken Derby - Now with 30% more next day cutting!

You gotta dig to get some yummy Trillium!

Lights! Cameras! Buffering! The boys are back in town! Okay not this town - but a town. Actually O-Town. Hey, does anyone out there remember the boy band "O-Town"? No? Okay... footballs it is then.

The pre-season kicks of for realsies in the Florida sun today as TFC face the old foe Columbus in the opening match of the concisely titled Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. Of course, this would also be an unofficial Trillium Cup fixture as well right? So it's a Trillium Cup inside of a Mickey Mouse Cup inside of a pre-season. So a turducken of a match. Or a flower inside of a rodent... so the Florodent Derby perhaps. I bet FloRida is pissed.

 

KICK-OFF: Sun is shining like some kind of shining light, red threads are binding many people together but "O-Town" did not perform the national anthems. 2 out of 3 - let's footballs...
2' - Jeremy Hall with a dangerous giveaway. Mid-season form.

4' - TFC go for the "we lost our luggage" look with last year's shirts and black shorts. #fashionfauxpas

8' - TFC with zero offensive flow. Justin Braun needs to be a quicker picker upper on long passes

12' - If today is an indication of things to come then all offense will go through Luis Silva. Looks lively but only one creating any trouble for Crew

18' - REPORT: Columbus Crew's president angry after 2 of the 3 construction workers on their logo showed up to camp unfit

20' - Opposition defenders will hate Crew's Federico Higuain even more this year. Dangerous.

25' - It may be choppy but first match-TFC employing some very high pressure when Crew is on the ball causing many a turnover

25' - A hungry Danny Koevermans wants a turnover

30' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Glauber's Brazilian head meets the business end of a corner

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

35' - Of the newcomers, trialist/academy/Uruguayan league prospect Jonathan Osorio looking fairly useful in the midfield

40' - MLS online stream announcers wondering aloud if Gale Agbossoumonde will replace Danny Califf as starting CB. This kind of high-end research is how you get a plum online stream job. That and TALK YELLING

42' - Only minutes left in the half and still no word from "O-Town". Disappointing.

44' - Stefan Frei takes a cleat to the face from Ryan Finlay and stays down. Likely won't continue. Or be as handsome. Joe Bendik subs in for Frei

45' - End of a scrappy half. TFC tactics-wise and Crew tackle-wise

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

45' - Second half gets started with Julio Cesar (non-QPR version) on for Osorio and Argentine trialist Nicolas Cabrera on for Emery Welshman. Florodent Cup still up for grabs. "O-Town" still MIA. MIA still trying to live up to "Paper Planes"

47' - News that Stefan Frei is headed to hospital. A springtime tradition

53' - Julio Cesar's facial expressions rotate between huge happy grin and "I will eat your face". Maniacal. Enjoyable.

56' - Luis Silva denied by big save. Just about the only scoring threat for The Reds at the moment. You may want to get used to that.

60' - Good first impression by Gale Agbossoumonde today. You know... Like a boss.

63' - Silva, Lambe, Braun and Hall come off for Kyle Bekker, Ashton Bennet, Taylor Morgan and Torsten Frings. Frings to babysit.

68' - Tony Tchani doing his thing for Columbus... you know... just to remind us about De Ro

70' - More subs on for TFC but most importantly new nickname heroes "Slappa De" Bassi and "Fabreezi" make their debut

81' - Terry Dunfield must have his Ultimate Warrior sock tassels on as he hits the post with a headed equalizing attempt. Close but no tassel.

84' - We're not saying this result is strange but Europol has noticed unusual betting patterns from Sport Goofy

88' - Match needs more "shining lights"

FINAL WHISTLE: A scrappy affair in TFC's springtime debut. Decent pressure off the ball, no clue creating anything that looked like an offensive tactic. Agbossoumonde, Welshman and Osorio looked promising while Lambe was invisible, Silva was snatching at chances and Frei got his annual injury. Can't help but get the feeling that the lack of a real striker will be the narrative going forward.

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

UPDATE: On Sunday afternoon the club took to the airwaves (well webwaves) to let the world know that they had cut ties with a trio of camp trialists. (Wow, Nelsen - you cut the Kiwi? That's New Zealand cold bro!) Here's hoping this heralds the entrance of three First Team worthy newcomers. Preferably of the ball-in-goal variety.

#TFC training update: Nik Robson, Jose Gomez & Joevin Jones are no longer at preseason camp in Orlando. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 10, 2013

AFTER 90: It's all ( ___________'s ) fault

"It wasn't me..."



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

FIRST HALF:

1' - Good news for TFC fans.. according to a well known local columnist it has been Major League Soccer's fault all along! Phew. MLSE has really, really wanted to be a winner but mean, old Don Garber has stopped them! This explains seven managers, a turnstile of dozens of useless players, alienating a once rabid fan base and six years of 5-Year Plans. It was the league's fault! Thank goodness for those "sources" close to the situation for saving their own skins setting the record straight. Oh look... a match...

4' - Part owner of TFC, TSN delaying broadcast of TFC match for the CFL. 2 minutes of regulation pointy egg has taken 15 minutes. Don Garber loves him some Edmonton Eskimos.
10' - Finally live at a very damp Crew Stadium. Crew Cat must be soaked. The Dirty Crew Dancepack... make your own joke you filthmonger.
13' - Crew striker Federico Higuain goes close. He is the poor man's Gonzalo Higuain... which must make family dinner's awkward.
17' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higuain gets angry by what I wrote and turns Jeremy Hall inside out and inside again then slots past Freddy Hall. Too easy.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
18' - Jeremy Hall? The league's fault.
21' - Reggie Lambe briefly looking tricky in new role as forward. Sadly still surrounded by the other usual forwards.
28' - GOAL: Toronto - Andrew Wiedeman darts around flopping Crew defenders and buries the ball low and into the corner. IT'S THE MODERN ERA! Dogs and cats, living together... mass hysteria!
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1
35' - TFC showing more attacking prowess in the last 10 minutes than usual. Stick it to those New York City fat cats boys!
41' - Freddy Hall makes a big save off a Ben Speas strike. Reds' players leaving it until the last possible moment to "play for a job in 2013"
44' - This inclement weather in Columbus has MLS executives' finger prints all over it.

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:
45' - Back to the Crew Stadium action amidst the dulcet tones of "Gangnam Style". That song will never. get. old.
53' - Andrew Wiedeman showing the Columbus Crew reserves why he is "Generation Adidas". Yes he will be "Generation KangaRoos" next year but why you gotta be so negative?
61' - PENALTY: as Terry Dunfield called for grab on Higuain in the box. He sold it like only an Argentine can but calmly scores a GOAL on the resulting PK
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
62' - How dare the league find a player of Higuain's ability and hand him forcefully to "glamour market" Columbus without them scouting him first?!
67' - The mercurial season of Ryan Johnson ends with a limp...
69' - SUB: Ryan Johnson off for Doneil Henry
72' - Henry goes to RB rather than Eckersley slot back into his natural position. Apparently if you just keep jamming a square peg into a round hole it will eventually fit.
80' - These are officially the "garbage minutes" of a "garbage season"
85' - SUB: Logan Emory on for Eric Avila
86' - Pffffffffffffffffffft.
88' - Six years of league-enforced losing nearly over.
90'+ - What more fitting an end than TFC finishing the season with five defenders on the pitch and Adrian Cann as striker. Merry Christmas y'all.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5 / Jeremy Hall 5 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Adrian Cann 6 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 / Terry Dunfield 5 / Luis Silva 5.5 / Eric Avila 6 (Logan Emory N/A) / Reggie Lambe 6 / Ryan Johnson 5.5 (Doneil Henry N/A )

　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Father Time.

THE BATH:
In the hallowed words of 20th Century poets society "Tag Team"... "Whoomp! (There It Is)". 2012 that is. It's finally over and what better way to get the momentum rolling for 2013 than with a 14 game winless streak in the league? Blame whomever you like: MLSE, MLS, Aron Winter, Paul Mariner, short pants or Gozer The Gozerian. It all leads to the same end... a club on the last day of 2012 that has no better future than on the first day of 2007.

The post-match interviews will no doubt be electrifying in their clichés of "the work starts now for 2013" and the need "to evaluate and move forward" but the damage done to the souls of TFC fans (and no doubt some of the players) this year has been devastating. Never has there been a last day of the season where the majority of those who follow TFC are happy for the break and look ahead with trepidation instead of the usual hope for better. After six years of this, blaming anyone outside of this club is simply wrong.