THE MATCHUP: It's a Crew, Crew Summer

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

FACTS* AND STATS**
COLUMBUS CREW
- Crew Stadium is the USA's first soccer-specific stadium and winner of the "Most Flammable Scoreboard Award" 2010 - 2013.
- A group of leading American opticians have come out against a proposed friendly tournament between Columbus, Norwich City and Villarreal calling it a "reckless assault on eyesight".
- 1/3 of photo-realistic construction workers featured on terrible football badges are known carriers of The Clap. Don't be a victim.
- 14th overall SuperDraft pick and Columbus defender Ben Sweat has been loaned to Dayton Dutch Lions putting the brakes on his burgeoning R&B/Soul career.
- 10: Average number of patronizing pats on the head Crew's Federico Higuain gets from his brother Gonzalo at family gatherings.
- Crew Stadium security have been battling internal fighting amongst two factions of Crew supporters who can't agree whether their kits are "canary" or "banana".
- 12.77: Dollar amount raised by Columbus Crew mascot "Crew Cat’s" charity single "Lickin' My Bits for You". 10% of proceeds go towards the fight against Feline AIDS.

TORONTO FC
- Having already captured the 2014 Trillium Cup, Toronto FC will receive their bounty from Crew this weekend: 450,000 trillium bulbs. Lucrative. Floral.
- 6.5: Height in inches of Warren Creavalle's cameo. Word up.
- There is a 93% chance of finding Dominic Oduro in a Columbus-area "Papa John's" pizza restaurant this weekend.
- 20: The over-under amount on Jermain Defoe "groin injury" gags we use this weekend.
- Toronto-area bro's have a 1 in 5 chance of getting tasered in Central Ohio.
- The Reds are said to be doing well and resting comfortably after a near-miss with an overpriced Colin Kazim-Richards transfer. Disaster averted.
- 9/10: Number of times that TFC defenders urgently look for Michael Bradley when the ball ends up at their feet.

　
*Maybe
** Possibly

THE STARTING 11: Trillium Cup privileges

Take that, Budweiser FA Cup!

We have banged on for years now how the Trillium Cup is a farcical corporate faux trophy. Despite TFC's exciting comeback victory on Saturday, the reward for winning the annual series of matches between Columbus Crew and The Reds is still lame-o. To watch a player like Jermain Defoe look at the local tin-cup and sort of lift it in sort of victory is all a bit cringe. That being said, there are actually a few rarely known perks to winning the cup. No, not money - but these privileges aren't bad...

11. Tim Bezbatchenko is bestowed the title "Archduke of Dayton"

10. TFC gets dibs on the next Higuain offspring

9. Gilberto gets to take credit for the next three Columbus goals

8. Former Crew cheerleaders "The Crewzer Dancers" are re-united for Jermain Defoe's amusement

7. Columbus must hire Jim Brennan as their next manager

6. When detaining Toronto fans in Columbus, Ohio police must stop using tasers in favour of tickling them into submission

5. TFC's captain is invited to light the next ceremonial scoreboard fire at Crew Stadium

4. The fine folks at Crew sponsor Barbasol must travel to Toronto and treat Tim Leiweke to a classic olde timey hot shave... full body

3. The three construction workers on Crew's badge must help build BMO Field's new roof for free

2. Columbus mascot "Crew Cat" must spend a romantic evening making sweet, sweet inter-species love to Bitchy the Hawk

1. Argos to Crew Stadium

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Columbus... or ohmYGAWDWHATTAFINISH!!!!

 

Friends, allow me to regale a tale of terrible timing...

Well here's how it started...

15' - I'm bored.  Like super mega bored.  Nothing worth WATCHING has happened.  Well, it's warm and my drink is empty. Concession time has already come.

For the record, I rarely buy anything at the ground, and I NEVER walk away from a match in progress.  Never.  Then apparently this happened...

16' - SUB - Orr is hamstrung and Lovitz is in #hamstrong

17' - GOAL - I never go to the concessions during play.  That figures.  Didn't see it.
ROBINS 0, CRUE 1

20' - PENALTY - So I come back to my seat and I've missed an injury, a substitution, an away goal, and this stupid thing.  All I see is someone down on the ground whinging about something and then a crowd roar of approval.

Never leave your seat.  Ever.

21' - GOAL - Defoe buries it low left side 

ROBINS 1,  CRUE 1

41' - Bekker free kick curls well into the party beer bro tent

Half-Time mood : pre-comatose. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't good TV, I suspect.

65' - GOAL - Viana, bah
ROBINS 1,  CRUE 2

65' - YELLOW - Bendik for bitchin at the ref

65' - SUB - Jackson off for Gilberto

66' - Gilberto has a go and flies over the bar #TakeAShot

71' - SUB - Osorio comes off for DeRo.  

"When will Osorio get injured (or come off)" was our prediction of the game.  The stats went as follows:

@RedWineRoz picked 47th minute
@theyorkies1812 picked 60th minute
@DuncanDFletcher picked 72nd minute
@kzknowles picked 82nd minute
@ignirtoq picked 89th minute

So close Duncan. Kristin for the win.

73' - Bloom takes one in the face and he's down.   He'll continue but damn...

77' - YELLOW - Gilberto is booked for a Columbus player's elaborate rolling around one man play.

80' - YELLOW - Bekker in the books

81' - GOAL - Finally some open play stuff.  Header through over the top, half volley from Defoe and buries it.  No chance for Clark.  Absolute class.
ROBINS 2, CRUE 2

89' - DeRo out muscled and out sized fights off a defender to draw a free kick

90' - GOAL - HOLY S#IT!  From the free kick, Lovitz free finds the head of Henry who buries it. Absolute mayhem ensues.
ROBINS 3, CRUE 2

4 mins of extra time

It's over!  It's over!  Stone Cold!  Stone Cold!  Awmahgawd!  The Robins pull it off!

Full time : TORONTO 3, COLUMBUS 2

Man of the Match : Defoe for being all class.  No, thank you.

Goat of the Game : all of TFC for the first 15 mins.   Borrrrrrrringgggg

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Blew some calls, made up for some later, felt like he wanted to be a part of the Match so badly.

Kit Spotting : SC Braga home wins, but there's a Colo Colo home as an honorable mention

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I would give myself a good face-slapping whenever the team starts any half as uninspired as they tend to do.  Perhaps the next acquisition could be someone who could administer a good smack in the face

If You PVR'd it : start watching around the 15th minute, stop after the 22nd minute, then just fast forward until the 75th minute to give yourself a lovely crescendo to the finish.

What a damn finish.  Seriously, I'm still giddy about it 6 hours after the match.  Historically, Toronto is on the end of some of the most spectacular collapses in league history.  But somehow, against all odds, in the face of a very real tradition, they did it.  And if this is Henry's signature manoeuvre, then please, never change.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Bloom 6.5, Hagglund 6.5, Henry 6, Morrow 6, Jackson 6.5 [Gilberto 6], Orr N/A [Lovitz 6.5], Bekker 6, Osorio 6.5 [DeRo 6.5], Defoe 8, Moore 7

@ignirtoq wanted to write more, but the shock of such a thrilling finish required that he takes a nap, and nap he did.

THE MATCHUP: The "Other" Cup Final*

Trillium cup. Trillium saucer also pictured.

 

(*Not in any way a Cup Final) 

 

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Well our fair manager claims that this match is a cup final akin to the NutCan vs. Montreal. So there.
- Just to be clear it's really not.
- If TFC win the Trillium Cup, will the Daily Mail proclaim Jermain Defoe as "cup winning World Cup omission"?
- Can this be Gilberto's big day? Stop laughing.
- How will Columbus handle Higuain's absence?
- How will Toronto handle Caldwell's absence?
- Has Columbus Crew cleaned Crew Cat's kibble out of the cup?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:
Gilberto vs. Jaio Arrieta

WHO ARE YA?
While it was easy to mock Ryan Nelsen's assertions that a Trillium Cup final and a Canadian Championship final are of the same stature, it turns out the Kiwi wasn't as far off as we thought.

Breakaway football organization FIFFA (Federation International Floral Football Associations) has just announced that the Trillium Cup winner will now be eligible for their international tournament - The Floral World Cup.

Held annually in a billionaire's botanical garden, the Cup will see either Columbus or Toronto test their skills against other winners of football/floral competitions including the winners of Switzerland's "Edelweiss Pokal", Moldova's "Weed Growing Out of Concrete Cup" and Colombia's "Copa Del Perfectly Legal Cash Crop".

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #Juliaoooooo
Do you find yourself saying "I like reading almost-football based words but boy do I wish I could stick them in my earholes"? Well now you can!

In this week's episode, Kristin is brow-beaten into giving Bradley Orr his manly due, Tony finds it's not easy bein' cheesy, Duncan has a spoiler about Saturday's halftime show all while Mark is away at the USA camp and ruining Landon Donovan's dreams.

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and set your ears to stun! FAGUNDEZ!

While you're clicking you should really read our partners in pod Waking The Red. They like to write actual real, quality TFC stuff. Weird. They are linked in our Links section on the right. Where else would they be?

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

THE MATCHUP: "Hey You, The Not Red-dy for The Crew"

Yeah. No drugs there.



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 6PM ET

TV: SPORTNET 360

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Well apparently Columbus are our heated rivals. Apparently.

- Can TFC manage to look much different than TFC 2012 without the likes of Jermain Defoe, Steven Caldwell, Jonathan Osorio and (PENDING) out of the line-up?

- Is Ryan Nelsen able to juggle a starting eleven and change his tried and tested tactics to paper over the big challenges The Reds have this week?

- Which club will win the annual prize of the world’s supply of trillium seeds?

- Is DP Gilberto capable of spearheading an attack alone?

- Will Crew Cat be in one of his pussy stupors?

- Who the hell will start in the back four?!

- What noise does it make when tourists jump off a bandwagon?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:

Steve Clark vs. Julio Cesar and/or

Crew Cat vs. His Demons

WHO ARE YA?

Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford may be an international laughing stock but has a surprising supporter in the form of Columbus celebrity - Crew Cat. The notorious MLS mascot bad boy has had more than his fair share of very public run-ins with the law and shared his kinship with the Toronto "mayor" with Ohio press this week.

"Look, them left-wing dog-owning commies up there in Toronto don't realize how lucky they is. Rob Ford is the single greatest civic leader since my former owner Marion Barry. Like me, Crew Cat, Robbie loves pullin' on that sweet glass kibble, has more than enough Crewzer Dancers to eat at home, loves pissing in public and has a whole litter of totally awesome party siblings..." (Crew Cat then paused for 20 minutes to tongue-bathe his genitals and make a call to someone named "Itchy Dave" about "his order")... "Also" Crew Cat continued "I have equally little patience for Nelson Mandela and Paralympians. Overrated. I'm Crew Cat and I approve this message."

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
April 5, 2008: Mo Johnston was informed by MLS Head Office that it was literally impossible to accept his trade offer for the three construction workers on Columbus Crew's badge despite his overly generous offer.

 

And... Since they already have sweet yellow shirts on...



AFTER 90: Claws out for the lads! - Special Guest Post by Crew Cat

 "What do you mean I have 'Crazy Eyes'? Maybe you're on drugs!"

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
CREW STADIUM

From time to time we realize that you, our devoted readership (whassup you two, how's the family?), get a little tired of our hard-hitting style of investigative journalism. So, a couple of times a season we invite a guest columnist to sit-in for TFC match coverage.

Since tonight is the universally awaited finale to the 2013 Trillium Cup, we aimed high to bring you an analyst with in-depth knowledge of this infamous rivalry and one who has seen its drama up close like few others. Ladies and gentleman, the Intercontinental Soccer-Football Mascot Symposium 2006 "Mascot of the Year" (Third runner-up), USA Mascot This Week's "Mascot Most Likely to Give You a Rash" 1999, 2001-2005, 2007, and 2009-2012, and successful defendant of three separate civil lawsuits... from his private (litter) box at Crew Stadium, tonight's reporter "Crew Cat"!!!

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - "Yo how's it hanging Toronto. You ready for my jelly? You mangiacats still in "re-building" mode? Yeah thought so. Let's get this sh*t on the road - I gots two Siamese waiting for me at my motel."
1' - "We're Trillium Cup Champions!"... said no one ever without irony. Seriously, there's like five of them laying around here... Chad Marshall puts my kibble in one. I use the 2008 one as a bong."
8' - "Your Scottish captain Caldwell tried to get his head on a corner. About as useful as a Scottish Fold in a whorehouse." (Cat Trivia: Scottish Folds have terrible libidos. Trust me.)
15' - "I went to Toronto once, it's no Columbus but I had a crazy night at the Toronto Humane Society. Cages full of honies - and they go full fur in Canada. Props."
19' - GOAL: Meeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: "Federico Higuain makes Fancy Feast out of Doneil Henry. Totally gonna lick my bits now."
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
21' - "Sorry the Toronto FC but your defence is exactly like a dog... useless on so many levels."
23' - "You know who's a Class-A douchebag? Timber Joey. Pervert."
30' - "TFC chasing the ball like me vs. rolled up tin foil."
34' - "Dominic Oduro hit that ball into Joe Bendik like Jerry hitting Tom with an anvil. God speed Tom" #Never Forget
36' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley... "Seriously did Garfield eat too much lasagna then die then put on a TFC shirt? That is one orange dude."
40' - GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. GRRP. YEEACHHHHHKK!!!
41' - Sorry dudes, hairball.
44' - "So why did you guys get rid of Paul Mariner? Partied with that wildman a few times after matches. Couldn't understand a word he said. Swear he gave me ringworm."
45' - "Halftime. Going for a um... nap. Don't come looking for me."

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

"Yeah, give Daddy his sweet Colombian nose kibble"

 

SECOND HALF:
45' - "WHOOOOO!!! That was some high grade Colombian 'catnip'! Let's do this and then let's go down and spray this town yellow!"
47' - "Here's one for you hosers: What do I, Crew Cat, and Toronto FC's strikers have in common? We've both been neutered by Chad Marshall! OH SNAP! Just jokin' with you guys. It's good to joke. Except about Feline AIDS - that sh*t ain't funny."
53' - "Oduro chance stopped by your pickle guy, Bendik. I once mistook Oduro's hair for a calico. He wasn't happy."
55'- SUB: Reggie Lambe on for Alvaro Rey... "...sorry? What? I was licking some bits."
60' - "Sorry ladies... fell asleep there for a while. You guys still losing? Of course."
66' - SUB: Maximiliano Urruti on for Robert Earnshaw... "This is your Messiah? This skinny kid? What happened to his head? Looks like a black cat died up there. Racialist."
68' - GOAL: Meeeeee-ooooowww! Columbus: So you guys wanted to see an Argentine score amazing goals? You're welcome to drop by anytime. HI-GUA-IN"
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
73' - "Yeah - I got mange. What are you gonna do about it?"
78' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Matias Laba "...huh"
80' - "You wanna know what's wrong with the Toronto FC? You dumped Nick Soolsma. That blonde bitch loved himself a cat. Him, his cat Suarez and me used to get medieval after a match. I remember little. Yeah, Nicky got the rabies but that's rock n' roll."
83' - "You dudes know the Dallas mascot Tex Hooper? Meth.
88' - I miss the Crewzer Dance Pack. Those ladies knew how to scratch a bro. That blonde one and that hairy one. What were their names? Itchy & Scratchy I called 'em. Whatevs. And about the pregnancy... CC was neutered back in '05. Nice try gold-diggas!"
90'+ - Let's party. Smoke 'em if you got em' Canadia.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0

  

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik: Teh LOLZ / Richard Eckersley: Distemper / Steven Caldwell: Scottish Fold / Doneil Henry: Mange / Ashtone Morgan: Dander / Alvaro Rey: Coronavirus (Reggie Lambe: Feline Herpesvirus 1 ) / Matias Laba: Ringworm (Jeremy Hall: Iris cysts) / Jonathan Osorio: Mange / Bobby Convey: Mange / Jeremy Brockie: Liver fistula / Robert Earnshaw: Cataplexy (Maximiliano Urruti: Roadkill)

 

CREW CAT'S TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
"Joe Bendik for teh LOLZ"  

 

THE (CAT) BATH:
"Look hosers, we're never gonna be cuddle buddies. I might spray you out of pity but that's about it. That being said, how you crazy f*ckers still follow his team is something. If my owner saw me in that much pain he best be getting me euthanized.

 

Don't sweat it though Toronto, if Crew Cat knows anything about science, you only have two more lives to go and the thing dies once and for all. So lay back, lick your undercarriage and it will all be over in 2015.

 

Gotta jet, I'm gonna go drop a deuce in the 2013 Trillium Cup. Meow suckers."

 

The views expressed by Crew Cat were Crew Cat's alone and not necessarily those of The Yorkies or Columbus Crew. Well we're guessing about the Crew and we actually think he made some decent arguments.



THE MATCHUP: Urruti or not, here we come

"I'll just wait here guys..." 

 

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

 

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

 

THE KICKABOUT:

Under the cloud of the "will he, won't he, when will he sign" Maxi Urruti drama, TFC make their final trip to the Ohio Riviera on Saturday to face their "Bitter Rivals (TM)". Not hot enough for ya? Well the fixture is also the decider for the trophy that even the trophy's mother couldn't love - The Trillium Cup. Oh yeeeeah!

 

Nothing really encapsulates the crudulence of this manufactured and sponsored silliness like an 8th place Crew hosting the 9th place TFC. Put it in a city that's not quite Cleveland and not quite Cincinnati, in a stadium that has a spontaneously combusting scoreboard and a stage and top it off with a mascot that is supposed to be a cat but looks like a rabid badger... and stir. (Confession: we love the filthy Crew Cat)

The good people at Scotts Turf must be dining out on the good press of sponsoring the biggest cup fixture since the 1971 Texaco Cup 3rd Round Preliminary Qualifier.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Dominic Oduro

TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba. Jonathan Osorio

 

THE ODDS:

- Urruti signing well before the match: 10-1

- Urruti signing in a cab on the way to Crew Stadium: 5-1

- Urruti signing for Crew: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?
Earlier this year, Crew Stadium was hit with embarrassing calamity as the ground's scoreboard caught fire (above), melting a giant hole into its face. Sadly, this was only one of many mini-disasters that wrought destruction upon the rapidly aging stadium this season. Apart from the fire there was the localized tornado that only struck the children's playground outside the stadium, massive flooding overwhelmed Crew Cat's litter box, riots and looting destroyed a corporate suite during the failed "Anti-Xenophobia Symposium" and of course box-office drought. The suspected earthquake near the chili-dog stand was later proven to be "Big Dave" from Section 102.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "IT'S A CREW, CREW SUMMER"

And... since it's Friday and if you squint your ears, you can ignore the soft "EL" at the end of "cruel".

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Columbus... or Welcome to Trilliumania XVIII

If you can channel WWE/F commentator Jim Ross, it'll make for an easier read.

We are LIVE at BMO Field with a "capacity crowd of nearly 23000" in attendance, in sunny Toronto, Ontario, Canada where a new world heavyweight champion will be crowned.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the past year, we here in the federation have been embroiled between two warring factions where everyone has aligned themselves with one side or the other. On one hand, you have the Bumble Bee Barbers, as indicated by their yellow and black uniforms and shaving cream sponsorship, who have been the more successful of the two in the last 12 months. On the other hand there's the Red Profiteers, who have done little to show signs of progress over the same time frame.  The Profiteers, managed by Bushwacker Ryan, who is managed by The Paynemaker, who is managed by The Man They Call Tim, have made announcement after announcement that there will be new signings to their faction.  The Rock, CM Punk and Kane have long been associated with The Profiteers, but nobody ever shows up.  Where title changes matter, it’s all here, LIVE, at Trilliumania XVIII

Onto the show!

Opening Match
"Ginga Ninja" Eckersley v Josh Williams
Josh Williams nearly had the win until Eckersley was 'saved' by "Super Pickle" Joe Bendik and the two of them proceeded to beat down Williams.
Winner : Williams (DQ)

World Television Championship
“Homegrown” Ashtone Morgan (C) v Dom “Doom” Oduro
Defending champion Morgan spends much of the match in control, but his ego gets the best of him.  Out of nowhere, Oduro lays down a few chops, whips him into the rope and catches him with a missile dropkick to the jaw.  Early candidate for upset of the night.
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : Dom “Doom” Oduro

No Rules Hardcore Grudge Match
Will “Steel” Trapp & “Caesar” Augustin Viana v The Killer Bees (“Bee” Justin Braun & “Jumping Jeremy” Brockie)
Some spectacular action with number of weapons, but the match really changed when Viana was suplexed through the Spanish announcer's table, then rolled back into the ring for the cover.
Winner : The Killer Bees

Women’s Match
Rachael “Barretta” Bonetta v Ryan “Wendy” Richter
Midway through the card, everyone went to the washroom but got back in time to see the finish
Winner : Richter

Hair vs Hair Tag Match
Matias “El Gaucho Logo” Laba & Alvaro Rey “Mysterio Jr.” v Federico “Not Gonzalo” Higuain & “Luscious” Bernado Anor
A fast-paced lucha libre match, which you would think is racist since none of the competitors are from Mexico, but it’s not, because I have a friend who said it was OK (it’s a gag, work with me).  Lots of quick moves and high-flying.  Rey gets the hot tag and hits Higuain with a springboard huricanrana and clears the ring.  Upon a spectacular top rope plancha nailing Higuain at ringside, Anor catches Laba with his back to him, spins him around, kick to the midsection, and lands his Luscious Spinning Powerbomb.
Winners : Higuain & Anor

World Tag-Team Championship Match
Bobby “the Brain” Convey & “Medium Jon Studd” Osorio vs The Ohio Playaz (Danny O’Rourke & Matias “Dirty” Sanchez) (C)
Convey took much of the beating in this match.  For long periods of time, he was on the end of a vicious double-teaming at the hand of the Ohio Playaz.  It all looked to be over when the hit the Buckshot Buckeye, two-man sling-shot into the rope met with simultaneous superkicks but it took out the official too.  Just as the official had come to, Sanchez suplexes Covney, but a slow count allows Convey to kick out.  Convey ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Osorio who clears house.  The good guys
WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Winner : Convey & Osorio

“Stone Cold” Steve Caldwell vs Andy “Atom” Gruenebaum
In a match that had everyone on their feet, Caldwell was about to hit his “Stunna’” on the well beaten Gruenebaum, only for the ref to be distracted by teammate Finlay, which led Gruenebaum to clock Caldwell with a steel post.  Roll him up for the easy pin.
Winner : Gruenebaum

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chad “The Law” Marshall (C) v WiedeMankind
Marshall controlled much of the match, really working on the right knee of WiedeMankind but resorted to some dirty tricks.  Marshall was given multiple warnings by the referee, the last of which was hanging on to the ropes too long trying to hyperextend.  Once the ref got in his face, Marshall was about to hit him, but WiedeMankind hooks his arm, then proceeded to take over, one bad knee and all, torrentially raining down blows on the champion.  The underdog and crowd favourite WiedeMankind then pulls out The Greatest Sock of the Modern Era and mandible claws Marshall until he passes out, then goes for the dramatic cover, 1, 2, 3!
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : WiedeMankind

As WiedeMankind was celebrating, a man in a ski mask carrying a steel chair comes charging into the ring, sneaks up behind WiedeMankind and just wraps it around his skull, sending him to the canvas.  What followed was a series of chair shots to the wounded knee of the downed newly crowned champ.

Once he was finished his brutal assault, he drops the chair, stands over WiedeMankind and starts waving his hand... in a... cheque signing motion?  He unmasks himself, OH MAH GAWD!  IT'S DERO!  DERO!  HE PICKS UP THE BELT WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE!  OH MAH GAWD!  WE'LL SEE YOU AT (Aron) WINTERSLAM!

Fade to black

No one is quite sure what got into @ignirtoq this time around, but it was a bad idea that spiraled out of control, as they tend to do at The Yorkies.  He is a wrestling mark, and has been known to take in high-level independent wrestling shows from time to time.  And he doesn't think Ryan Richter is a woman but was necessary to call him Wendy to complete a gag.

THE MATCHUP: Motley welcome Crew

Rumour: Tommy Lee to TFC as a goalpost

 

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN 2 (Afternoon deuce-light)

THE KICKABOUT:
No major changes, no goals in over five hours of play, no wins at home for well over a year. We do however have a middle-age man in casual dress slacks walking a largely uninterested bird to the midfield where they stand awkwardly for a couple of minutes while fans look away in uncomfortable embarrassment for all involved to the strains of AC/DC. Did we mention "Chinese Heritage Day"? Can you feel the passion?

Honestly, there is very little to say here (sorry Alvaro Rey... even with you) that most of you haven't heard for the meaty part of a decade. Columbus Crew, defeatless (we know) at BMO Field in nine visits brings their travelling yellow roadshow in a fixture we're supposed to get real worked up about. Apparently. A fake derby, for a fake cup under clouds of fake transfer rumourage. So pretty much like every TFC v Crew fixture since 2008. 

Paging Dr. Feelgood.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Same ones from the last two matches.
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Tony Tchani

THE ODDS:
- Pretty much the same as 2007-2009: 2-1
- Pretty much the same as 2010-2012: 2-1
- Exactly like the rest of 2013: EVENS

 

WHO ARE YA?
This fixture has never been without controversy. Invading bus loads, religious urination, tased bro's, xenophobia and that dodgy Filet-O-Fish I ate at the McDonald's just off the interstate. This round is no different as news is just coming in from Canada Border Services that one of the three construction workers on Crew's badge has been detained at the border. Steve "Guy on the Left" Kaplowski is being held under Section 14 of the Canada Floral Protection Act. MLS officials have yet to rule whether Columbus can activate a reserve construction worker to complete their "world renowned" logo before the match.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TORONTO 0 - NIKKI SIXX"

AFTER 90: Short-stemmed trilliums

"Oh the humanity! florae!"

THE BUZZ:

Can TFC stop giving up late spirit-crushing goals?

Will the O'Dea/Eckersley defensive pairing continue?

Does any man still use Barbasol?

Can Mariner find a permanent partner for Eric Hassli?

Will it ever feel like Columbus 2008 again?

How many of you still consider Crew our main rival?

How many trilliums need to be sacrificed before we end the violence?

　

FIRST HALF:

4' - GOAL: Columbus - Eddie Gaven

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

 

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: That time TFC nearly shot at Crew's goal

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Freddy's 4th Minute Nightmare

　

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

　

SECOND HALF:

58' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higuain

COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0

60' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Andrew Wiedeman

68' - YELLOW CARD: Darren O'Dea

70' - SUB: Quincy Amarikwa on for Torsten Frings

71' - GOAL: Toronto - Luis Silva

85' - SUB: Aaron Maund on for Dicoy Williams

　

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Eckersley defending well with one shoe

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Reds not waking up until the 70th minute

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5.5 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Dicoy Williams 6 (Aaron Maund N/A) / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Andrew Wiedeman 5 (Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Terry Dunfield 5 / Torsten Frings 6 (Quincy Amarikwa 6.5) / Ryan Johnson 5.5 / Luis Silva 6.5 / Eric Hassli 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Richard Eckersley

THE MOOD:

Despite a hopeful and frantic final 20 minutes, the realization that this is about all we will see for the rest of 2012 is sobering. However, it is most likely fact. The TFC on show tonight is pretty much the squad - playing at the level - we will live and die with. Yes there may be slight improvements as younger players like Luis Silva develop further and newcomers like Eric Hassli and Darren O'Dea settle but as in all years previous, autumn will be long.

　

Things will certainly not get easier for The Reds, who looked lost creatively for all but the last part of the match, with Houston awaiting deep in Texas and the very good Santos Laguna wanting to take a stranglehold in the CCL group stage. Alas, it will be another trying end to a season for the abused fans of TFC who will have to exist on meagre bursts of hope while putting up with the other 3/4 of the time. In the end, no amount of moral victories or glimmers of hope can change "winless in five", "another away loss" and worst of all "another lost season".

THE MATCHUP: The Auld "Enemy"

"I can has tazer?"



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
　
CREW STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: GOL TV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It's hard for any TFC supporter to think about an away fixture at Columbus without harkening back to that frozen day in 2008 when thousands of hearty Torontonians invaded Crew Stadium. Many of them leaving without a tasering! That of course was in the early days of a manufactured rivalry over the rights to a flower but a mere four years later and such a fan mobilization seems sadly
inconceivable.
　
Back in 2008, Reds supporters puffed out our chests as "the league's best support (TM)" and travelled in large numbers throughout the Northeast and beyond. Columbus was our shining moment where we "arrived". However, a half-decade beatdown by bumbling management has seen us stumble into near-oblivion while gritting our teeth at a Columbus club that has been steadily solid during that time.
　
God bless the hearty TFC supporters that still brave road trips and are usually rewarded with a loss (and yes, we still have Montreal) but watching that empty away end at Crew Stadium on TV is a stinging reminder of what could have been but was badly injured by corporate greed and stupidity. Now, instead of boldly invading other stadiums, we are left trying to avoid seeing BMO Field turn into "one of those MLS stadiums" we used to smugly mock. Can that magic ever return or has TFC's management done to support what the Ohio State Police used to only be capable of?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Will Hesmer, Chad Marshall. Tony Tchani
TORONTO: Eric Hassli, Darren O'Dea, Luis SIlva
　
THE ODDS:
- Trillium Cup now used to display hard candies: 2-1
- Crew Stadium police tasers replaced by Nerf darts: 3-1
- Mocking TFC supporter giggles replaced by ambiguous shrugs: 5-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
In order to keep track of emerging football derby rivalries in "The New World", FIFA created an alert system based on Scottish football science to track potential crowd disaster - similar to a tornado warning, terror alert or pregnancy test. The "Trillium Cup" was one such categorized derby but as you can see, it has been downgraded as the years have passed:
2008: CELTIC V RANGERS RESERVES LEVEL
2009: HEARTS V HIBERNIAN LEVEL
2010: COWDENBEATH V DUNFERMLINE LEVEL
2011: ELGIN CITY V PETERHEAD LEVEL
2012: TWO DRUNK GUYS NAMED ANGUS FIGHTING OVER A DEEP-FRIED MARS BAR LEVEL
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "CREW CAT INCITES AWAY SUPPORT WITH SECTARIAN FELINE GESTURE"

THE MATCHUP: "The New Soft" - Now with 50% more softer!

"Crue don't like us... we don't care"

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
The derby we have always referred to as "The New Soft" (opposite of "Old Firm") suddenly seems softer. After single-handedly creating an actual atmosphere out of a league-created "rivalry" (with the "Trillium Cup" as reward), Toronto fans can be forgiven for now feeling less "rivalistic" against Columbus. With Montreal now part of MLS, The Reds have their true rival along with a derby that has real social and geographic roots to give it gravitas. Many in Toronto will still harbour some animosity for Crew with the cross-border chopping of the last few seasons fresh in memory, but really... they are a distant second to our Francophone cousins down the 401. So, Columbus will just have to go back to being xenophobic, "Billy-no-rivals" while we still go through the motions of "caring" about the Trillium Cup.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Miguel Aceval, Danny Koevermans, Luis Silva
COLUMBUS: Will Hesmer, Chad Marshall, Emilio Renteria
　
THE ODDS:
- Away supporters thinking we still care about them: 3-1
- Crew losing 1/4 of their 1/3 away kit: 10-1
- TFC forgetting where they left The Trillium Cup: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
After being without a shirt sponsor for a period, Columbus managed to acquire Barbasol, maker of men's grooming products, to grace their kit. It wasn't without controversy though, as the shaving cream empire requested that Crew also change their infamous "Three Erotic Construction Workers" logo to match their product. Barbasol wanted the three mens' faces to reflect the stages of facial hair left-to-right from fully bearded to "Barbasol Smooth".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "CLOSE SHAVE FOR SMOOTH REDS"

AFTER 90: Solid Reds rid monkeys from backs

Trillium Cup... now with Trillium Saucer



IN THE TUNNEL:
Half empty stadium? Check. Dirtiest looking cheerleaders east of the Mississippi? Check. Children's playground outside the ground? Check. Simmering racial undertones in the stands? Check. With all that in order, it's all systems go for the return leg of The Trillium Cup - MLS' weakest manufactured derby ever. Of course, the Toronto invasion of 2008 did add some meat to "The New Soft" derby (opposite of The Old Firm if you're wondering) but when TFC's true rival Montreal joins MLS next season for "The 401 Derby", this fixture will be just another Eastern Conference tussle. That being said, wouldn't it be a nice way to put this marketed "rivalry" to bed once and for all with TFC's first EVER win against Columbus? Now let's go think of reasons to hate Central Ohio...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - Columbus mascot "Crew Cat" coughs up a furball and sprays towards visiting TFC fans. Game on. Kick-off...
8' - Always enlightened Crew supporters chant "USA! USA!" during TFC corner kick. They truly won the War on Terror - Canadian evil-doers have been subdued.
9' - Bit of the old back and forth as Ryan Johnson hits the Crew crossbar with Crew forcing Stefan Frei into a leaping save on the counter-attack
15' - Reds managing some decent possession play but no finish yet
21' - GOAL: Mee-oow! Nick Soolsma's cat "Suarez" purring happily as his owner puts TFC ahead by pouncing (I know) on a rebound
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 1
25' - Milos Kocic is a fine backup keeper but there is something more solid to The Reds' backline when Stefan Frei is between the posts. The Goalblerone.
30' - Crowd has fallen quiet. Must be writing down vaguely racist Canadian slurs
36' - Joao Plata forces Will Hesmer to save a sharp free kick. Plata playing like he's 5 Foot 5 right now!
37' - YELLOW CARD: Ty Harden just being Ty Harden
42' - GOAL: Possibly the best half of football TFC has played in 2011 as Plata drifts a great cross to Ryan Johnson's head who drifts it gently over an unexpecting Hesmer
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 2
45' - Columbus fans boo either their club's first half performance... or foreigners
　
HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 2
　
46' - Almost a dream start to the 2nd Half as Eric Avila hits the ball sweetly from a distance only for it to clang off of the Crew crossbar
47' - Due to Avila being American, Crew fans having trouble coming up with xenophobic insults to throw at him
55' - Frei back in form with good save against Andres Mendoza's attempt on goal
59' - So hard to really dislike a human boy named Dilly Duka
62' - An almighty collision as Frei and Emilio Renteria both challenge on a cross and neither of them look better for it. Both men coming off with Frei looking heavily damaged...
SUB: Milos Kocic in for Stefan Frei
67' - GOAL: Fresh off the bench, Crew's Tom Heinemann roofs the ball past a deserted Kocic and the game just got very hairy for TFC
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 2
72' - Newly shaven-headed Julian de Guzman defending with gusto
78' - Kocic saves the lead as Crew nearly tie the game on close-range free kick
79' - SUB: Goalscorer Soolsma makes way for young Matt Stinson
81' - YELLOW CARD: Eric Avila get a MLS Mystery Card
82' - GOAL: Out of nothing an aggressive de Guzman blasts a 25-yard shot past Hesmer after tackling the ball away from Columbus single-handedly
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 3
84' - A foreigner possibly puts the game away for TFC. Columbus fans can't contain their fury
86' - SUB: Danny Koevermans in for a limping Ryan Johnson
87' - GOAL: Andres Mendoza with a long range shot that rises over Kocic. Game has just taken another turn. A woolly affair
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3
89' - A whopping 6 minutes of extra time. Squeaky bum time!
90'+ - GOAL: de Guzman feeds a streaking Danny Koevermans who rounds a charging Hesmer and curls the ball into the empty goal. Plan the parade... the Trillium Cup is ours!
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 4
90'+ - The longest extra time ever comes to an end. Bloody foreigners.
　
FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 4
　
IN THE BATHS:
It took one of Toronto FC's most solid away performances ever to get a couple of monkeys off their back. Tonight's win was the club's first road victory of 2011 and happened to come against their "rival" Columbus Crew - a club they had failed to beat in five seasons. The Reds dominated in the first half but it was the second half where they showed strong character and some steely nerves. After Stefan Frei was injured and Crew quickly cut the lead to 2-1, many TFC observers awaited the classic Reds' collapse. On this night however, TFC kept their backs up and even managed to resist the temptation to fall into a defensive shell on their way to a win they can be proud of over one of the league's better teams. Little chance to celebrate their first Trillium Cup before heading to Mexico City for their CCL match against PUMAS - but tonight's result is more about hope for 2012 rather than any manufactured trophy.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 (Milos Kocic 6 )/ Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Ty Harden 6 / Andy Iro 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Julian de Guzman 8 / Torsten Frings 7 / Eric Avila 6 / Nick Soolsma 6.5 (Matt Stinson 6 ) / Ryan Johnson 6.5 (Danny Koevermans 7 ) / Joao Plata 7
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman
TALKING POINT: What should "The 401 Derby" trophy look like? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Trilliums at the ready as Reds prepare for The New Soft

That is one cup-worthy bloom

COLUMBUS (6th) VS. TORONTO (16th)
　
CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- With true rival Montreal Impact entering MLS in 2012, is this the last "The New Soft" Derby (opposite of The Old Firm) that holds much meaning for supporters?
- Can the much-missed Danny Koevermans return from injury to help the struggling TFC offence?
- Will the long break from play be a help or hindrance to The Reds' chances of getting their first ever win over Crew?
- Does Stefan Frei regain his # 1 slot over the in-form Milos Kocic?
- If this is indeed "The New Soft" - does that make Crew Stadium "Ohiobrox"?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Will Hesmer, Andres Mendoza, Robbie Rogers
TORONTO: Eric Avila, Torsten Frings, Andy Iro
　
THE ODDS:
- Bob de Klerk accidentally finding the cure for Athlete's Foot when he mixes Trillium petals and Gatorade together during the halftime break: 20-1
- Crew striker Jeff Cunningham missing an own goal by inches thus continuing to fail in helping TFC's goal scoring years after leaving the The Reds: 30-1
- Ohio Protestants and Ontario Catholics clashing at an Interstate rest stop: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Fashion-forward TFC manager Aron Winter refuses to let the club wear its white away kit for the rest of the season as wearing white after Labour Day is a major fashion faux-pas
- The Toronto v Columbus derby has once again won FIFA's "Most Manufactured Derby" award narrowly beating out the Belgian Pro League's attempt to market the Cercle Brugge v KRC Genk fixture as "The Battle for the Best Waffle"
-Columbus, Ohio, situated on the Ohio Riviera, was actually found by Christopher Columbus in his undocumented first trip to the Americas in 1489. Landing in Mid-Ohio, the explorer reported back to Spain "...nothing to see here". Today, Columbus is a bustling city known as "The City Somewhere Between Cleveland and Cincinnati" and its main exports include childhood obesity, home foreclosure and xenophobia
　
THE WAGER: 2-0 Columbus (2011: 19-18 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "CREW RETAIN TRILLIUM CUP - ONTARIO CHANGES PROVINCIAL FLOWER TO LOSERBLOSSOM"

2 Games - No Cup

The best news for TFC this week is that Montreal is still being considered for MLS membership. The sooner we don't have to consider Columbus as our main rival - the better. Don't get me wrong, going to Crew Stadium with a couple of thousand Reds' supporters is fun but there is one problem with this rivalry. That problem you ask? We can't beat them. Two and a half seasons of futility.

It was a roller coaster match tonight which saw TFC squander a 2-1 lead to the Schelotto-less Crew. In 1st half action, Columbus' Eddie Gaven opened the scoring after some sloppy TFC defending but the Reds marched right back and tied it on a Dwayne De Rosario blast. The second half couldn't have started better when Ali Gerba opened his TFC account with a class finish. It was a very scrappy half but with a quarter of an hour to go the MLS Champs turned up the pressure and TFC couldn't hold them off. Greatest American Hero lookalike Steven Lenhart tied it in the 76th and in extra time Jason Garey broke TFC's back with a strong finish that keeper Stefan Frei had no chance on.

In one fateful half, TFC lost the match, dropped dangerously low in the playoff hunt and have lost their second meaningless trophy in three days - this time the Trillium Cup. A slight silver lining was Gerba's goal but it is tempered by Amado Guevara having to leave the game due to injury. Chris Cummins' substitution of Marco Velez for Guevara highlights the still paper thin bench of Toronto. Healthy players and more focus will be needed against Puerto Rico and in the oncoming league matches if TFC doesn't want late-July to be this year's wall.

The always improving Columbus crowd did offer an unintentional comedy moment in the second half when they started a raucous "USA! USA!" chant. It was as if The Iron Sheik had come in as a sub for Chad Barrett (hmmm...is Sheik available?). I'm sure Toronto's USA national team members like Marvell Wynne were bemused. Are you happy Mr.Obama? Invite these guys over for a picnic and they think they're "America's Team". Is Joey Saputo ready yet? The "401 Cup Trophy" design competition starts here.

Match Preview: "The New Soft Derby"

COLUMBUS CREW VS. TORONTO FC
Crew Stadium - Saturday 7:30PM EST
TV: Rogers Sportsnet Ontario -- Radio: The Fan 590

If you gave non-partisan football fans the chance to see one derby in the world, many would choose "The Old Firm" derby of Glasgow. Columbus Crew vs. Toronto FC would rank a little bit lower. Sometime after TFC's first season, MLS' brain trust and others decided that Columbus and Toronto would make convenient rivals. The Trillium Cup (not exactly pictured above) was invented for the two clubs to "compete" for and it now ranks slightly higher in relevance to the Carlsberg Cup. Making a non-local derby from scratch isn't as easy as inventing a trophy.

Things changed however after that fateful home opener in 2008 when TFC's supporters invaded Crew Stadium in very large numbers. The previously unseen display (in MLS at least) rightfully put Crew supporters’ noses out of joint but did seem to unite them for the first time. Their biased opinions about all things Toronto wouldn't agree, but their support has been much better since. The matches between the two clubs are hard-nosed and away support (except this weekend!) on both sides has become regular.

The rivalry's true tipping point may be coming soon though. If Toronto can get past Puerto Rico in the CONCACAF Champion's League preliminary, they will be grouped with none other than the Crew. Those kind of matches, not fabricated floral-named trophies, are what creates true rivalries. Not quite Glasgow yet but "The New Soft" may be ready to evolve.

COLUMBUS CREW: 6-9-3 27 pts - 3rd in EAST (6th Overall)
Not much can be said about Columbus Crew without mentioning talisman Guillermo Barros Schelotto. The talented Argentine/ 80's rock star look-alike who enjoys being horizontal on grass, is putting up MVP numbers again but could very well miss this game due to a nagging hamstring injury. Crew have decent depth though and will look to young forward Steven Lenhart to pick up the slack. He will be easy to notice as he looks like Scott Baio's friend "Buddy" on Charles In Charge. The Ohio Players are coming off a 3-1 win over RSL and have not been beaten at home in an astounding 18 matches. If that's not enough of an advantage they just met President Barack "West Ham" Obama at the White House and mascot Crew Cat was just successfully de-wormed. "Yes We Cat"

TORONTO FC: 7-5-6 26 pts - 4th in EAST (8th Overall)
The Reds have a lot on their minds right now. The devastation over the Carlsberg Cup loss to River Plate will still be fresh in their minds - oh the humility! What may actually take their eye of the yellow though is the impending CCL preliminary with Puerto Rico next week. The match against the Islanders is arguably the most important in the club's young history and manager Chris Cummins will have to get the lads to focus on the task at hand. TFC are coming off a tepid 1-1 draw at home against Houston but will have Ali Gerba and his mini ZZ-Top-esque beard at their disposal. O'Brian White may or may not make an appearance based on his fitness while Adrian Serioux will test out his knee before the match. Young defensive stand-out Nana Attakora will not travel with the club due to a hamstring, not good news for a club who have yet to beat Columbus anywhere...in two and a half years.