AFTER 90: Solid Reds rid monkeys from backs

Trillium Cup... now with Trillium Saucer



IN THE TUNNEL:
Half empty stadium? Check. Dirtiest looking cheerleaders east of the Mississippi? Check. Children's playground outside the ground? Check. Simmering racial undertones in the stands? Check. With all that in order, it's all systems go for the return leg of The Trillium Cup - MLS' weakest manufactured derby ever. Of course, the Toronto invasion of 2008 did add some meat to "The New Soft" derby (opposite of The Old Firm if you're wondering) but when TFC's true rival Montreal joins MLS next season for "The 401 Derby", this fixture will be just another Eastern Conference tussle. That being said, wouldn't it be a nice way to put this marketed "rivalry" to bed once and for all with TFC's first EVER win against Columbus? Now let's go think of reasons to hate Central Ohio...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - Columbus mascot "Crew Cat" coughs up a furball and sprays towards visiting TFC fans. Game on. Kick-off...
8' - Always enlightened Crew supporters chant "USA! USA!" during TFC corner kick. They truly won the War on Terror - Canadian evil-doers have been subdued.
9' - Bit of the old back and forth as Ryan Johnson hits the Crew crossbar with Crew forcing Stefan Frei into a leaping save on the counter-attack
15' - Reds managing some decent possession play but no finish yet
21' - GOAL: Mee-oow! Nick Soolsma's cat "Suarez" purring happily as his owner puts TFC ahead by pouncing (I know) on a rebound
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 1
25' - Milos Kocic is a fine backup keeper but there is something more solid to The Reds' backline when Stefan Frei is between the posts. The Goalblerone.
30' - Crowd has fallen quiet. Must be writing down vaguely racist Canadian slurs
36' - Joao Plata forces Will Hesmer to save a sharp free kick. Plata playing like he's 5 Foot 5 right now!
37' - YELLOW CARD: Ty Harden just being Ty Harden
42' - GOAL: Possibly the best half of football TFC has played in 2011 as Plata drifts a great cross to Ryan Johnson's head who drifts it gently over an unexpecting Hesmer
COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 2
45' - Columbus fans boo either their club's first half performance... or foreigners
　
HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 0 - TORONTO 2
　
46' - Almost a dream start to the 2nd Half as Eric Avila hits the ball sweetly from a distance only for it to clang off of the Crew crossbar
47' - Due to Avila being American, Crew fans having trouble coming up with xenophobic insults to throw at him
55' - Frei back in form with good save against Andres Mendoza's attempt on goal
59' - So hard to really dislike a human boy named Dilly Duka
62' - An almighty collision as Frei and Emilio Renteria both challenge on a cross and neither of them look better for it. Both men coming off with Frei looking heavily damaged...
SUB: Milos Kocic in for Stefan Frei
67' - GOAL: Fresh off the bench, Crew's Tom Heinemann roofs the ball past a deserted Kocic and the game just got very hairy for TFC
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 2
72' - Newly shaven-headed Julian de Guzman defending with gusto
78' - Kocic saves the lead as Crew nearly tie the game on close-range free kick
79' - SUB: Goalscorer Soolsma makes way for young Matt Stinson
81' - YELLOW CARD: Eric Avila get a MLS Mystery Card
82' - GOAL: Out of nothing an aggressive de Guzman blasts a 25-yard shot past Hesmer after tackling the ball away from Columbus single-handedly
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 3
84' - A foreigner possibly puts the game away for TFC. Columbus fans can't contain their fury
86' - SUB: Danny Koevermans in for a limping Ryan Johnson
87' - GOAL: Andres Mendoza with a long range shot that rises over Kocic. Game has just taken another turn. A woolly affair
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 3
89' - A whopping 6 minutes of extra time. Squeaky bum time!
90'+ - GOAL: de Guzman feeds a streaking Danny Koevermans who rounds a charging Hesmer and curls the ball into the empty goal. Plan the parade... the Trillium Cup is ours!
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 4
90'+ - The longest extra time ever comes to an end. Bloody foreigners.
　
FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 4
　
IN THE BATHS:
It took one of Toronto FC's most solid away performances ever to get a couple of monkeys off their back. Tonight's win was the club's first road victory of 2011 and happened to come against their "rival" Columbus Crew - a club they had failed to beat in five seasons. The Reds dominated in the first half but it was the second half where they showed strong character and some steely nerves. After Stefan Frei was injured and Crew quickly cut the lead to 2-1, many TFC observers awaited the classic Reds' collapse. On this night however, TFC kept their backs up and even managed to resist the temptation to fall into a defensive shell on their way to a win they can be proud of over one of the league's better teams. Little chance to celebrate their first Trillium Cup before heading to Mexico City for their CCL match against PUMAS - but tonight's result is more about hope for 2012 rather than any manufactured trophy.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 (Milos Kocic 6 )/ Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Ty Harden 6 / Andy Iro 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Julian de Guzman 8 / Torsten Frings 7 / Eric Avila 6 / Nick Soolsma 6.5 (Matt Stinson 6 ) / Ryan Johnson 6.5 (Danny Koevermans 7 ) / Joao Plata 7
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman
TALKING POINT: What should "The 401 Derby" trophy look like? Discuss.

CONCACAF GEOGRAPHIC: The Travelling Supporter's Guide to: Tauro FC

"TFC!" (clap, clap, clap) "TFC!... hey, wait a minute..."



The Yorkies present "CONCACAF Geographic" - a three-part travel guide for those with the expendable funds, masochistic streak and strong stomach to tackle supporting Toronto FC away during the Champions League Group Stage. Our travel department has been hard at work to bring you this three-part bonus, non-pullout, section of The Yorkies. Pack your bags for Part 3 of 3...
　
WHAT TEAM AM I WATCHING?
You are watching TFC. No, not that TFC... that TFC. It's Tauro FC, the pride of Panama City, Panama. This is what it sounds like when doves cry. The Panamanian stalwarts are led to the rocky, humid pitch by the outrageously named Panamanian forward Temistocles Perez who could quite possibly be a part-time Greek philosopher. Founded in 1984 by the most trustworthy of businessmen - an Italian industrialist - the club is styled on Juventus and wears similar kits to their Turin cousins. Wait until they find out Toronto FC was styled after Swindon Town! One of the club's official nicknames is "El Mas Laureado" which translates to "The Most Successful". Of course that's "most successful" Panamanian club. Like being the tallest midget.
　
WHERE AM I GOING?
"The Gateway to Canal Pleasure" - Panama City, is home to Tauro FC. Located in the historic "Cholera District", Latino TFC play in the "olympian" Cancha Sintetica Rommel Fernandez stadium. "Cancha Sintetica" actually means "synthetic surface" while Rommel Fernandez was a hero of the American Panamanian invasion who was related to both WWII German tank commander Erwin Rommel and 1980's Blue Jays shortstop Tony Fernandez. If you have free time to venture around some of Panama City's sites before the match, we highly recommend Canal Street for a selection of fine knock-off watches, visit El Museo de Bizarro Coconuts, and see the statue of the man who wrote the nation's national anthem - David Lee Roth.
　
HOW DO I GET THERE?
Panama City's Tocumen Slightly International Airport doesn't currently offer direct flights from Toronto but there are easy connections from Pearson Airport with stops in Kansas City, Missouri -Tallahassee, Florida - Port Au Prince, Haiti - San Salvador, El Salvador - an offshore drilling site and then directly into Panama City from there. Alternatively, you can sail down either side of North America and enter the city canally.
　
WHAT SHOULD I TAKE WITH ME?
Panama's tourism slogan is "The Humidest Place on Earth" so we mostly recommend 5-10 changes of underpants per day. Suffering what the locals refer to as "canal sudarosa" (translated: "sweaty canal") can lead to an afternoon of very uncomfortable touring. If there is one thing Panamanians know - a leaky canal is cause for alarm. Dressing in tearaway 80's clothing in the style of local legend Senor Lee Roth is a widely accepted alternative to regular attire.
　
WHAT SHOULD I EAT & DRINK?
The most famous cocktail in this tropical continent-joining nation honours one of its most infamous figures. The "Noriega" is filled with a secretive mixture of American and local spirits and served in a hollowed out pineapple. Accompany a "Noriega" with the local delicacy of "Misterio Mezcla" which is only served to North American tourists in hotel bars. The locals love to watch "gringos" chow down on a big bowl and giggle happily as you do. So generous are the Panamanian in spirit that they would never even think of eating any, kindly saving it for visitors.
　
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?
Experienced travellers will tell you that if it is your first time trying to enter a canal region, you should do it slowly and with care. Take your time and don't rush the experience, your travelling partner will thank you for it. It may seem like a difficult and unusual place to visit at first, but once inside, the lush wonders will have you wanting to come back regularly. If your wife ever lets you... you know, what with the price of flights and stuff.
　
WHAT'S A HANDY PHRASE TO REMEMBER?
"Por favor, no disparen - se que todas las palabras de Van Halen 'Hot for Teacher'!"
(Translated: "Please don't shoot - I know all the words to Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'!")
　
Now, please rise for Panama’s National Anthem…

CONCACAF GEOGRAPHIC: The Travelling Supporter’s Guide to: Pumas UNAM

Pumas UNAM: It's a Latino puma! No, wait... a golden fist!

 

The Yorkies present "CONCACAF Geographic" - a three-part travel guide for those with the expendable funds, masochistic streak and strong stomach to tackle supporting Toronto FC away during the Champions League Group Stage. Our travel department has been hard at work to bring you this three-part bonus, non-pullout, section of The Yorkies. Pack your bags for Part 2 of 3...
　
WHAT TEAM AM I WATCHING?
Today we visit what will likely be Toronto's toughest away fixture of the CCL Group Stage - Mexico City's PUMAS UNAM. A traditional powerhouse of Mexican football, Pumas also have one of the greatest badges in FIFA which looks like a jungle cat - until you stare at it for a minute and it ends up looking like a golden fist. Like a Mexican 3D painting off of 1990's malls. Just less sailboat - more Latino punching. With the catchy nickname "La escuadra de la maxima casa de estudios" in hand, Pumas are led on to the pitch by Argentine goal scorer Martin Bravo and midfielder Diego De Buen (translated: Doug The Good).Celebrity supporters include cartoon mouse/ speed enthusiast Speedy Gonzales, inventor of the Chimichanga - Alejandro Campos III and Love Boat guest star Charo. Coochie Coochie.
　
WHERE AM I GOING?
The UNAM in Pumas' name stands for National Autonomous University of Mexico - the club's owners and site of Pumas' massive home ground, the 62,700 seat Estadio Olimpico Universitario. The stadium is located in the Ciudad Universitaria (translated: School Cafeteria City) area so visiting Canadians who are used to being stabbed, shot and beaten at Mexican resorts by rural banditos, can instead be stabbed, shot and beaten by educated Mexican co-eds. UNAM is one of Mexico's leading schools, famous for its research into the Jumping Bean Phenomena, Siesta Technologies and Advanced Burrito Engineering. For those venturing further afield into Mexico City, don't miss the hourly Mexican wrestling matches at most main intersections, the annual Festival De Pickpocketos and of course have your facial hair groomed into a swarthy handlebar mustachio by most local taxi drivers during traffic jams.
　
HOW DO I GET THERE?
While there are daily direct flights to Mexico City from Toronto, for the thrifty traveller we recommend leaving a few days early and flying on a budget airline to San Diego, California or Laredo, Texas. While there, pretend to be an illegal alien, get captured, then sit back and relax as American authorities transport you for free across the Mexican border. It is only a 3-day donkey-trek form the border region to Mexico City. Ariba savings!
　
WHAT SHOULD I TAKE WITH ME?
The seasoned Mexican tourist knows that travelling light is key. An empty suitcase, apart from two cases of bottled water, an anti-diarrhetic and some form of high-powered rifle (preferably with night vision capability) is all that you should need. That, and wads of American money to hand over to: airport customs, cab drivers, local police, amateur "pharmaceutical" teams, cock-fighting organizers, novelty sombrero salesmen, giant mice, random schoolchildren and priests.
　
WHAT SHOULD I EAT & DRINK?
There's a (loosely translated) phrase in Mexico - "If it's brown - drink it down. If it burns... you will die in approximately 36 hours" This ain't your daddy's taco bell. If you aren't used to spices that cause your testicles to recede into your stomach - be sure to ask for everything "Grande Gringo". This level of spice is equal to what most Canadians would consider "5 Alarm" but is the mildest available. To start your day, we recommend the mildest available breakfast of Jalapeno Cheerios with skim chili horse milk, toast with butter and paprika, an orange dipped in Tabasco and a Tequilacino coffee.
　
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?
Mexico hasn't been the friendliest of countries for Canuck visitors over the last few years but a great majority of Mexicans are warm, hospitable and moustachioed. At least 3 out of 10 gunshot-sounds are simply fireworks being let off and only 48% of people wearing masks are robbers with the remaining being luchadors on their way to a match. Do be aware of a new scam however where the worm in the bottom of local tequila bottles somehow manages to extract all of your credit card info.
　
WHAT'S A HANDY PHRASE TO REMEMBER?
"No, no, yo no soy un turista canadiense - Yo soy un albino panameno!"
(Translated: No, no I am not a Canadian tourist - I am an albino Panamanian!")

Coochie Coochie!

Be sure to check back for our CONCACAF Geographic guide to Tauro FC coming soon

CONCACAF Geographic - The Travelling Supporter's Guide to: FC Dallas

Bobby Ewing: Good dream sequence, crappy airport



The Yorkies present "CONCACAF Geographic" - a three-part travel guide for those with the expendable funds, masochistic streak and strong stomach to tackle supporting Toronto FC away during the Champions League Group Stage. Our travel department has been hard at work to bring you this three-part bonus, non-pullout, section of The Yorkies. Pack your bags for Part 1 of 3...
　
WHAT TEAM AM I WATCHING?
First up, in an alphabetical sense, is FC DALLAS. The most familiar of TFC's three group stage amigos; we will have played the Texan MLS club four times by season's end. Known locally as "The Hoops", "Los Gringos de Futbol" or "We have a soccer team?" FCD are led by dynamic young midfielder Brek Shea as well as bovine club mascot Tex Hooper. Celebrity supporters include J.R. Ewing, death-row inmates and cattle.
　
WHERE AM I GOING?
Pizza Hut Park in the Dallas suburb of Frisco, Texas - the top-ranked pizza-themed football ground in mainland USA. Frisco, or "The Gateway to Obesity" as it is known in tourism circles, is one of the United States' friendliest yet most rotund suburbs. Founded in 1970 by the inventor of Frito-Lays, Frisco was meant to be an urban oasis designed on the shape of a ridged potato chip but is now mostly famous for the downtown Rodeo Clown Memorial and the State parole board's "Electrocution Wednesdays"
　
HOW DO I GET THERE?
There are regular flights from Toronto to Dallas-Fort Worth or you can attempt to grab a cargo flight into Frisco's new Bobby Ewing Non-International Airport. It is recommended to rent a 1970's Cadillac with longhorns attached to the hood during your stay as the only local public transportation includes chuck wagons and $3 piggybacks on the shoulders of illegal immigrants
　
WHAT SHOULD I TAKE WITH ME?
To paraphrase The Matrix - "You're gonna need guns. Lots of guns." Yes, in Texas, a sidearm is a way of life and in most major hotel chains you will be expected to "take down" your breakfast before it is deep fried for you. Chaps, a tool to add holes to your belt, a right-wing Christian agenda and knowledge of sauce are also recommended.
　
WHAT SHOULD I EAT & DRINK?
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Texas, take a defibrillator. Honestly, you can eat anything you like in Texas as most of it arrives deep fried, or, in the case of Tex-Mex, wrapped in a casing ending in "ita"... then deep fried. We recommend fasting for three days for every meal you plan on eating. And remember, when you order your eggs "scrambled" - that means scrambled with a burger and fries and wrapped in a pizza... then deep fried and served in a burrito... usually brought to your table in a bowl of chili.
　
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?
While no more dangerous than your average American suburb (so actually, very dangerous) there are precautions to take in Frisco. Be sure to look into the sky regularly as guns shot into the air do tend to drop their bullets recklessly; If you take the Lord's name in vain... that's a shootin'; If you can't finish your steak... that's a shootin'; and if you besmirch the name of any Bush... that's a shootin'. Also... steer dung.
　
WHAT'S A HANDY PHRASE TO REMEMBER?
"Howdy y'all, I sure do like them there (pick one) shotguns/ chimichangas / Republicans / Hooters girls / anti-abortionists / hats / evolution debunkers." Follow this with two pistol shots in the air or into dirt.


Be sure to check back for our CONCACAF Geographic guides to Pumas UNAM and Tauro FC coming soon

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC complaints about air travel

All these screens and not one Jan de Bont film?



Few people who have to regularly travel by air for work claim that it is a pleasurable experience. Airport line-ups, cramped flights, security headaches and long delays are the norm for these weary airline commuters. For Toronto FC and their MLS brethren, fixture lists can sometimes mean criss-crossing the continent three or four times over a fortnight. This would be enough to test the most seasoned traveller’s patience and it will come to no surprise that The Reds have their share of Mile High Gripes...
　
11. Nana Attakora keeps getting left off flights because his "luggage wasn't performing well recently"
　
10. KLM doesn't fly between Columbus and Kansas City
　
9. Dan Gargan keeps letting people pass him in the aisles
　
8. Players forced to sit in 4-3-3 formation
　
7. Air Canada has a severe lack of Dutch cinema options on its in-flight entertainment system
　
6. Having to awkwardly pass Mo Johnston as he mops the floor at Pearson Airport's Terminal 1
　
5. Maicon Santos inevitably ends up doing the Lambada with the hottest flight attendant
　
4. Ty Harden and his mid-flight jazz-flute sessions
　
3. Every time Canada Customs asks Aron Winter if he has "anything to declare" he answers back "it is a pity"
　
2. Stefan Frei steals all of the mini Toblerones
　
1. Joao Plata keeps knocking from inside the overhead bin

"Real" Poor

Tonight's key word is depth. As in "out of our..." and "the bench has no...". The fact that the only Toronto player who bothered to go to Utah was Dwayne De Rosario doesn't help either. After a solid first 10 minutes, The Reds took a Mormon Siesta and never woke up.

No one can take away from Real Salt Lake though. The midfield to forward combo of Kyle Beckerman and Yura Movsisyan were top quality and punished the lazy TFC every time they had a defensive lapse. Amado Guevara's weak no-look back pass was the first to be capitalized upon when Movsisyan intercepted it and was free on Stefan Frei making it 1-0. At that point, the already tepid TFC were visibly deflated, the only fight displayed was in the form of poorly timed fouls. Further goals from Beckerman and Clint Mathis added the exclamation mark as RSL took 11 new brides winning 3-0.

The long-term worry from this result is if it is an indication of TFC's future away fixture performances. Toronto cannot afford it's "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Johnston" form of years past with so many road games ahead. The paper thin roster reared it's ugly head once again as the absolutely invisible Chad Barrett got yet another start and performed consistently Chad-like. However, the most disturbing indication of the lack of options was when down by 2 goals, Chris Cummins subbed Pablo Vitti for the offensive genius of... wait for it... Marco Velez. Time for another Brazilian scouting trip my dear Scotsman... and hurry.

Finally, big props to the aforementioned Kyle Beckerman. Not only a very solid MLS midfielder but so good as "Drexel" in True Romance and as one half of the "Albino Karate Twins" in The Matrix sequels. Kudos to you Rasta, kudos.