The Yorkies' Regular Features

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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

THE MATCHUP: Shh!... It's Champions League (Now with 30% more Freddy Hall!)

Don't ask about the triangle

If an El Salvadorian footballer dives in a forest but it's only streamed online... does he still make an "agonizing" yelp? This is the fixture to answer such questions as Champions League returns to Toronto for the first time since The Reds fell to Santos Laguna in the semifinals of the 2011/2012 edition. Due to the Olympics and apathy, there is no traditional broadcasting of TFC's opening CCL fixture this year in what will be a much harder go of things compared to previous trips through this tournament. With the new format seeing only one team per group advance and TFC landing Santos Laguna (again) along with Wednesday night's foe, C.D. Aguila of El Salvador, los going may be mucho rough.
Like many Central American clubs, Aguila is a great unknown to us up here in the tundra - but they were 1976 CONCACAF Champions. That being said, the Bee Gees were big in '76 as well. They will play as most Central American teams play and shoddy refereeing will allow it. The question will become if Paul Mariner's more direct tactics will work in the CCL like Aron Winter's managed to. The direct pass/little possession style doesn't usually win in Continental competitions but hey, if it doesn't, at least no one will have seen it on TV.
TORONTO: Reggie Lambe, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
C.D. AGUILA: Darwin Bonilla, Yaikel Perez, Henry Romero
- Attendance at BMO Field resembling Olympic venues: 2-1
- TFC announcing a solid 18.000+ attendance: 3-1
- Supporters looking for online stream distracted by a hilarious cat video on YouTube - forgetting that the match was on: 5-1
Aguila has one of Central America's most unique club badges (see above). The infamous badge seems to draw from many European influences and this is backed by club information on their logo translated from Spanish to Dutch and then into English here:
"The gentleman's shield of C.D. Aguila harnesses the positive power of our club's colonial overlords. The great Germanic eagle that has always been a symbol of peace and friendship world over; the Spanish-style badge representing the Conquistadors who did so much good in Latin America and slaughtered only those they wanted to; The Orange of the Nederlander represents the harmony, teamwork and selflessness we crave; the Greek laurels symbolize the healthy, stable financial nature of our club; and finally the "A" in an upside down triangle. This is a secret."
Since you spent the time getting to the bottom of this match preview, you deserve to hear that Toronto FC solved its defensive crisis today with the signing of a backup goalkeeper. As long rumoured here and in most TFC circles, the club inked 27-year old Bermudian Freddy Hall to a deal today providing Milos Kocic with some experienced relief. What this means for either Kocic or Stefan Frei long-term is up in the air but with Hall having a bit more professional pedigree than youngster Quillan Roberts, TFC's coaches won't worry as much every time Kocic looks banged up.

Monday, July 30, 2012

THE STARTING 11: Reasons for Eric Hassli's delayed arrival in Toronto

You should see Mariner's back tats!

You can forgive Toronto FC supporters for expecting a bit more of a dog-and-pony show around the capture of Eric Hassli. It was downright out of character for MLSE not to spend every waking second promoting the life out of a new marquee name... but it has all been relatively docile. After a late-week arrival in the city that began pushing Carlos Ruiz levels of patience, the big Frenchman gave a very basic presser before once again drifting into the club's background. Injuries and relocation are the most obvious reasons for the volatile new striker's delay but were there other factors involved?

11. Red carded during phone call to inform him of trade

10. Spent a full day trying to figure out where Toronto's mountains were located

9. Was on "the hunt" for TFC's new centreback

8. Red carded in cab on way to Vancouver airport

7. Had to wait for the perfect moment to fulfill life-long goal of punching Darren Mattocks in the back of the head

6. Had to deal with strange online messages from a "Koef14" challenging him to a Settlers of Catan showdown

5. Red carded during airport security screening

4. No one leaves a Bobby Lenarduzzi "Bon Voyage Bender" for at least three days

3. Getting a life-size tattoo of Paul Mariner's face on your back doesn't happen overnight!

2. Red carded during in-flight film

1. Was translating "If you can't beat 'em', join 'em" into French

Sunday, July 29, 2012

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Houston... or Houston... we have a cliché!

So where we last left our heroes local football team, Toronto FC are on a 3-match win streak, putting down the likes of Vancouver, New England and Colorado.  With a somewhat shocking draw versus Liverpool C from Toronto B, there was a sense of hope with the academy kids and trialists.  After a break from the all-star break where Toronto graciously let everyone else in the league have a rest, we're back in full swing.

In off-pitch drama, no one seems to have AN explanation (never mind a poor explanation) as to why Olaf Mellberg was not allowed to sign for Toronto FC.  The silence from Toronto's front office and the league body that struck it down leads me to believe that the legal team is still attempting to justify the blocking and then let us all know by Tuesday why Toronto can't shore up a quality centreback.

Houston is unbeaten in six, with three wins in a row by a total score of 9-1.  But it was a home stand, so let's see how they handle the cold* of Toronto.

* = it's not really cold, we have this system called Celcius that the majority of the planet uses in comparison to the antiquated Fahrenheit so 27 degrees is quite warm

Predictions were almost unanimously 2-1 pro-Robins from myself, @kzknowles and others. Some had 1-1 and a 2-2 draw.

On to the match...

-7' - Before the teams came out and anthems played... when announcing Amarikwa in the starting XI, the name on the screen belonged to that of former right winger and cat enthusiast, Nick Soolsma.  That was brilliant.

11' - Amarikwa goes for legend status right away nearly missing on a beautiful bicycle kick attempt from 16 yards out.

Quote of the Match :
Jamiroquai's pretty good.
~ @RohanKoomar commenting on Amarikwa's debut

45' - GOAL - Corner kick gets headed on to Carr who leaves his marker planted and pops it past Kocic.  His marker was Dunfield.
Robins 0, Tangerines 1

Half Time Mood : sleepy.

47' - YELLOW - Henry for a tackle outside of the box.

53' - YELLOW - Eckersley gets books for kicking the ball away after clearly tackling his man.  Seems fair. #NoItIsn't

55' - Amarikwa gets hauled down in the box after beating a defender, no call.  TFC fights hard enough to earn a free kick just outside the box for an unrelated incident. #idiotRef

62' - SUB - Amarikwa off for Wiedeman.  Good first showing for the kid.

83' - SUB - Hall comes in for Henry and Maund enters the game for Emory.  Sooooooooo we're not playing for the point?

86' - GOAL - Houston build-up has a neat pass finding Brian Ching dead centre of goal and no chance - again - for Kocic.
Robins 0, Tangerines 2

4 minutes of extra suffering and melancholy

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Houston 2

Man of the Match : Ecks was a beast.

Goat of the Game : Though he didn't have a bad game, Terry Dunfield was responsible for his marker in the first goal, just left in the dust.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Terrible.  Inconsistent.  MLS-grade officiating.  What else is new.

Kit Spotting : we saw Hajduk Split away, Southampton away, Dortmund home and the winner had to go to the Forest home kit. Looked classy.

Half the side looked very capable, ambitious and hungry.  The other half of the side looked confused and out of sorts.  I'm going to out Johnson, Silva, Emory as some of the bigger offenders... Good lord it was hot.  The club needs to consider a roof for the south end.  Sure, the revenues don't add up to helping us out, but we're awesome... A special shout out to Danny K and I hope he's resting, recouping and enjoying playing Settlers of Catan... We should do our part for the club we so dearly "love" and scour any Craigslist listings for a centreback for hire.  Can't possibly do much worse... Hassli wasn't on the bench as he's not 100% ready to come back.  I hope they do not rush him in any way as we already have too many players not playing at 100% capacity and they're f*cking healthy!!!... We're getting there with Bohemian Rhapsody.  Apparently we could be heard on GolTV... I can't wait to find out who the league will tell us we can't have without saying why.  Hope it might have been someone good. *fingers crossed*

And now, an open letter to Mr. Garber:

Dear Donnie,

Which way do you want it?  Do you want the passionate fans that you showcase and sell to other fairweather fans in a vain attempt to bring those people into something they're lacking in their spectating lives, or an environment where children can come and learn about the game with their overly sensitive families?

Better question, when was the last time you were passionate about something and you didn't start swearing about it, especially when there wasn't money involved, but something you just loved and cared about?

Even better question, are you willing to chip away at the foundation of your fan base at the expense of the middle-class nuclear family? (I know the answer to that already, and it's "yes")

As a season's ticket victim since day one, I am aware of how my image and the images of those around me are used to "sell" the game, yet our reward is a string of options to further take money out of my wallet.  I go to the game because I love soccer.  I don't love MLS, and it's a long time coming before I love TFC, but my love is footie.  You can lie to advertisers all you want, but make no mistake, supporters do not show up because they believe the "M" stands for Major, because it doesn't.  We love the game, and the TIFOs, the signs, the organic supporters groups, the singing, the blogging, and even the swearing are all a byproduct of that love.

As long as you remember all of that, I ask again, so which way do you want it?

Until the NASL can provide me a model and a club to back, you've got me.

And keep up the mystery over the non-signed player thing.  I'd hate to have the face of the league conveniently not know anything when asked by anyone, supporters or media, about it.  Shows anything but integrity.

Your customers for now,

The Yorkies

Team Ratings : Kocic 6.5, Henry 6 [Hall N/A], Eckersley 7, Emory 6 [Maund N/A], Morgan 6, Lambe 6.5, Dunfield 6, Frings 7, Silva 6, Amarikwa 6.5 [Weideman 6], Johnson 6

@ignirtoq is usually more chipper than this.  He follows sports business and usually doesn't go off the handle when he sees inequalities and bullshit.  Also, he's more open to adding new songs to the repetoire of the south stands, and secretly hopes that Slade's "Run Run Away" becomes a terrace classic one day.

Friday, July 27, 2012

THE MATCHUP: Faster, higher, wronger

Disclaimer: Graphics and information for today's match preview have been provided by the detail-oriented London Olympic Committee's (LOGOC) production team...
Please welcome our Texan opponents!

Much has changed since these two clubs last met. The Houston fixture was overshadowed by the fiasco at Club Escobar which saw "The TFC Three" (Miguel Aceval, Luis Silva and Nick Soolsma) arrested for public intoxication. It was also in the early days of "The MarinEra" as new manager Paul Mariner attempted to pull TFC up by its bootstraps. Since that time, two of the "TFC Three" have been dispatched and Mariner has indeed made improvements on his predecessor Aron Winter - the two of them now managing an equal number of games in 2012.
The return fixture sees a resurgent TFC but one still full of questions. The acquisition of new DP Eric Hassli has mostly been greeted with curious silence and his inclusion on Saturday is (at this moment) a major mystery. There have been concerns over Hassli's headspace since his deal from a town he had grown to love (for some reason) took place and if he doesn't play, attacking duties may fall to newcomers Andrew Wiedeman or Quincy "F*ck Yeah" Amarikwa. Defensively, TFC still apparently awaits a new signing or two but for now, the winning ways may have to be overseen by
the same starting eleven.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Happy Hour II: Escobar's Revenge"
TORONTO: (Possibly) Eric Hassli, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
HOUSTON: Oscar Boniek Garcia, Brad Davis, Andre Hainault

The badge of Dynamo Houston (source: LOGOC)

- Ryan Johnson running like a Jamaican Olympic sprinter: 2-1
- Quincy Amarikwa running like an American Olympic sprinter: 3-1
- Eric Hassli tackling like a French Olympic wrestler: 5-1
(Brought to you by The LOGOC information department)
Houston, on the banks of the mighty Mississippi is home to baseball club Chivas USA who play out of the Orange Bowl Arena. Renowned for its coal mining industry and cool climate, this area of the Loan Star State also boasts famous historical sites such as The Alamo and the Chichen Itza. In recent years, Houston has entered the space race and successfully launched the satellite Sputnik from the George W. Bush Space and Pistol Center.

LOGOC has provided us with this entertaining video of the Houston area's most popular TV drama based on its interplanetary oil drilling industry...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

"He came, he drank, he left" - Miguel Aceval's Wall of Honour induction delayed

"Where's the party at?"

The only question is "how did it take so long?" Reports emerged this afternoon that Toronto FC and portly Chilean "defender"/ tequila aficionado Miguel Aceval have "mutually parted" ways. Brought in to TFC during the off-season alongside equally successful Ecuadorian Geovanny Caicedo, Aceval was touted to be one half of a South American centreback pairing that would solve The Reds' six-year defensive crisis. Not so much.
With less than a dozen appearances in TFC rouge, most of them looking slow, flat-footed and out of shape, Aceval leaves as yet another failed defensive experiment and takes his equally portly salary with him. Of course, Aceval will always own a bit of club infamy as he was one of the "TFC Three" players arrested in Houston earlier this year on public intoxication charges. With the earlier departure of Nick Soolsma, only Luis Silva survived the cull of TFC's "criminal element".
It will now be up to MLS nuclear scientists/ mathematicians to figure out how much of Aceval's salary will return to TFC's coffers and up to Mariner & Co. to replace a guy who wasn't even part of the team anyways. To the local Chilean who ran out and bought an Aceval TFC jersey in March... lo sentimos.
Further rumours are floating in the BMO ether today that the club are ready to sign Bermudian goalkeeper Freddy Hall. The 27-year old who flirted with Northampton Town would add cover to Milos & The Gang and possibly allow for the shopping of Stefan Frei once he regains health. If Hall sends mad Tweets like his countryman Reggie Lambe - we're all in.
Official word* will be linked below...
(* As this is TFC - official word should emerge in mid-November)

Those devils proved us wrong. TFC's official Migual Aceval statement (here)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

CHANTS ON GOAL: "It's usually quite loud"

"What do you mean 'no one knows the theme song'?"

From the band who brought you the South Stand’s first full-length version of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody (well most of the words at least)… it’s time for another sing-along! It’s been a while since we’ve had a midweek hymn sheet, but hey… we ain’t out curing diseases, so here you go! Gargle… "me-me-me-meee"… and now with gusto so that all of BMO Field will join in… or at least the half-dozen drunks around you…
After six years in the South End we kind of get that rhythmic "oohing" seems to catch on. Let’s shake it up with this ode to TFC’s ability to play with our mental state…

(To the tune of "She Drives Me Crazy")

You drive us crazy! (Ooh-oooh)
Like no one else! (Ooh-oooh)
You drive us crazy,
But we can’t help ourselves!

Oh you knew this was coming the day he signed. Plus – no one knows the "Quincy" theme song. We asterixed out the naughty words but if you want to egg on Don "No Swears For You" Garber – remove the asterixes and eff away…

(To the tune of "America! F*ck Yeah!")


Amarikwa, F*ck Yeah!
Joinin' The Reds to score some f*ckin’ goals, Yeah!

Amarikwa! F*ck Yeah!
Forward is the only way, Yeah!

(Video now with 30% more low-budget Captain America DVD)

And for today’s final lesson – we thought we’d expand on the long lost "This Is Our House" with a tribute to the tin shack we lovingly call home…

(To the tune of "Our House" – 2nd verse)

Our house it has a crowd
We’re supporting TFC
And it’s usually quite loud

Our club - we are so proud
Nothing ever slows em’ down
And a loss is not allowed

Our house, in the middle of The Ex
Our house, in the middle of The Ex

(Repeat chorus until you’re tired)

Got a song or a chant you think TFC supporters need to hear? Email it to us at or send us the idea on Twitter @theyorkies1812 and we may feature it in a future "Chants on Goal"

Monday, July 23, 2012

THE STARTING 11: Things overheard at the Toronto v Liverpool friendly

Match highlights were hard to find

They came, they saw... they played their reserve team. The Merseyside circus has packed up its travelling roadshow as Liverpool FC move on to their next North American port of call... likely with a full squad. While Toronto fans may have felt a bit ripped off with the quality of players offered by those Reds, many did manage to have a good time at a fairly entertaining 1-1 draw. As the match and the SkyDome roof drew to a close, you couldn't help but overhear some interesting chatter amongst the Reds supporters (Canadian and English species) in blue seats...

11. "Rogers Center... Brendan Rodgers. Brendan Rodgers... Rogers Center."

10. "God Bless Amerikwa!"

9. "I think Luis Suarez just said something Canadianist"

8. "Our B-Squad is as good as their C-Squad!"

7. "I was so looking forward to not seeing Andy Carroll score"

6. "Adam Morgan ain't no Ashtone Morgan"

5. "I'm pretty sure Rafa Benitez just sold me a pretzel"

4. "No, I'm not Bruce Grobbelaar. Yes, you can stroke my moustache."

3. "It's just like being at Anfield... But after the match the tires are still on your car!"

2. "This is boring... let's go watch Eric Hassli and Craig Bellamy fight in the parking lot"

1. "You'll Never Walk Alone... You'll Always Pay Full Price"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hassli Now a Robin!

Nom nom nom nom.

In a move that could be described as "huh? really? that's happening?" and properly reacted to as "yeah, it happened", Eric Hassli, formerly of the Vancouver Whitecaps, has been traded for Toronto for the first round pick of the 2014 SuperDraft.

The Up Side : The man is a game changer who can materialize brilliance out of nothing, as seen here in Exhibit A and Exhibit B.  Last season, he nabbed 10 goals for Vancouver and this season he's got 2.  He can be quite the impact player, which is DeRo-esque... more like DeRo Light.

The Down Side : He can be a pain in the ass.  His discipline record is staggering accumulating 14 yellows and 3 reds in a span of 44 games.

Excitement : Hell yeah, I mean why not?!

The move seems like convenience for everyone, including Hassli.  Toronto need a striker.  Vancouver has been doing just fine with Darren Mattocks up front, so having a designated player on the bench is just a waste of resources and talent.  And he wants to play.

If Hassli can play with some passion without losing his mind, he will become a favourite.  Credit to Mariner and Co. for delivering someone with a decent resume with such a small amount of time remaining in the transfer window.

And if he can deliver a screamer goal like the links above, knowing the supporters, he'll become a legend.

Fun fact : Vancouver supporters never sang his name every 12th minute of every game for the first goal ever scored by the club.  Who does that, am I right?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Not Necessarily THE MATCHUP

"You'll Never Dome Alone"

We've already made our feelings clear (here) about Toronto FC and useless, often perilous, mid-season money-friendlies that see actual MLS fixtures re-scheduled to accommodate. So, in apathy rather than any type of misplaced protest, we will forego any kind of regular match preview or post-match report. Except of course a short piece on Sunday when the MRI scans on Ryan Johnson, Torsten Frings, Milos Kocic and Luis Silva reveal season-ending injuries.
If you are a local Liverpool supporter - go and enjoy your Reds. If you are a Toronto FC supporter who paid extra to spend some more time with your club - go and enjoy your Reds. If you could care less about the whole thing... here's a monkey in goal. Wearing red....

Paul Mariner softened the blow for any TFC fans that paid far too much money and expect to see a full squad face Liverpool by calling local supporters "smart". If Mariner is smart - and we seem to think he is - Toronto FC should line-up like-so...
GK - Quillan Roberts
D - Miguel Aceval
D - Ty Harden
D - Dicoy Williams
D - Aaron Maund
M - Matt Stinson
M - Oscar Cordon
M - Reggie Lambe
M - Eric Avila
F - Andrew Wiedeman
F - Keith Makubuya
To ease your pain at the thought of watching that team try to score against a Liverpool FC squad who will want to jog for 90 minutes here is a Panini sticker of LFC legend and sexy moustache engineer Bruce Grobbelaar... (not an actual sticker - don't try to peel screen)

All in all Reds supporters (of both varieties)... have a larf, pray for no injuries to TFC, don't make fun of Andy Carroll's pony-tail out loud and whatever you do - don't tell Luis Suarez that the ONLY Suarez in this town is Nick Soolsma's cat.
For those of you who wouldn't fathom spending a dime on this match but don't want to feel left out... here is footage from another Liverpool friendly with about as much importance...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Amarikwa! F*ck Yeah!

Apparently, with just under 2 weeks in the transfer window to go, Toronto FC is on the verge of signing 24-year old American forward Quincy Amarikwa.

The Up Side : He's young, he's probably cheap, he's a forward and most importantly, he's a PLAYER.  Toronto's roster is badly depleted and with a lack of depth at defense as well as a lack of anyone up front, so this is a good move.  Especially if he's free and they're paying him in sandwiches.  Baloney.  No cheese.

The Down Side : In his 56 games over the last 3.5 seasons, he's averaged a mere 25 minutes a game, with a peak of 34 minutes last season, so he has bench power.  Is bench power a thing?  Let's see if we can trend this sucker #benchpower.  Also he's been good for 1 goal per year, and too bad he's already bagged his allotment for this season.

Excitement : meh.

He could very well be a diamond in the rough who just needs a chance and there's always room in the spotlight in Toronto, but that's the optimist writing here.  If Quincy is going to break through, one must think it has to be "Toronto or Bust... or USL Pro".

So where's the rest of the signings.  Just sign Stalteri for the remainder of the season already so there appears that some effort was made.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Colorado... or OMGWTFDannyNoooooo...

Dude, that was horriffic.  Can we blame the turf?  Gillette Stadium?  Unfair.  Poor Danny K out for the season with a torn ACL.  Just when it was OK to put away the umbrellas, here we are on the cusp of another sh*tstorm.

Strangely enough, Toronto did hold off New England long enough to take all the points and are in the midst of a 2 game win streak.  Can you logically call 2 wins in a row a streak?  I can't.  3 or greater is a streak, 2 is a smudge.

Thankfully that tag team known as Heat & Humidity aren't nearly as rampant as they've been the last week.  It's comfortable outside.  Perfect weather for a good game of football.  Now the 'good' part could be problematic. #cautiouslyPessimistic

Predictions are 2-1 from yours truly.  Silva and Lambe will do it. Other predictions were 2-0 for the Robins, 1-1 and 1-0 for Colo Colo Colorado.  Joined at the match by @theyorkies1812, @kzknowles and @RohanKoomar, it's time to settle in...

On to the match:

3' - Avila barrels into the box and has his attempt tackled away.

3' - PENALTY - Silva fights with two defenders and gets hauled down by the keeper.  Should've been at least a booking for Pickens and very possibly a sending off but...

MISS by Johnson.  Smacked off the post.

Ryan Rule #1 : He can't control a shot.

Ugh.  Saw that coming.

20' - Our neighbours brought their adorable baby.  Whosacutebaby? I said whosacutebaby? You are! Yes you are!  Hi there! *hands covering eyes* *hands opening* Peekaboo! *hands covering eyes* *hands opening* Peekaboo!

23' - GOAL - Connor Casey scored.  Don't care how. Distracted by the baby girl with big eyes and the big smile.

Robins 0, Colo Colo 1

And no, it's not bad parenting to bring a baby to the supporters end.  It's planning for the future.  It takes a village to raise a child, and even if our village is dysfunctional, insane and probably disturbed, it's still our village dammit!

27' - Silva and Lambe do a nice 1-2 just outside the box but a clutch tackle takes away a great opportunity.

37' - Johnson gets on the end of a cross and heads it just within the reach of Pickens.  OK, that wasn't too bad.

Ryan Rule #2 : He can't control a shot with his feet.

Half-Time mood : meh.  Same as it ever was.

57' - GOAL - Well la-dee-dah.  Ryan Johnson fights his way past a defender, may have handled it a bit, and deftly toe-pokes it past Pickens.  Fine...

Ryan Rule #3 : He can't control a shot with his feet
when he has more than 3 seconds to think about it

Robins 1, Colo Colo 1

59' - SUB - Avila comes off for new acquisition Weideman.

64' - After last week's effect on the game, we get a special request from the rows below, we start our rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody...

68' - GOAL - Weideman get a deflection off of a Silva shot. Welcome to the madness kid!
Robins 2, Colo Colo 1

71' - Bohemian Rhapsody comes to an end. This may be a thing after all...

84' - SUB - Lambe comes off injured for Stinson

3 mins of extra time

FULL-TIME : Toronto 2, Colorado 1
Holy crap! I guessed it spot on! I was due...
Postmatch photo!
Banner courtesy of @BHTC_Mike and his peeps.
Inspired by @theyorkies1812 I've been told.

Man of the Match : Silva did it for us.  The kid was everywhere tonight and he's a tough bugger dodging tackles and keeping the ball.  Lambe is an honourable mention.

Goat of the Game First Five Minutes : Johnson for the penalty miss.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5, as they were equally inconsistent for both sides tonight

Kit Spotting : saw a St. Pauli 3rd kit but the winner is the guy wearing the TFC kit... Toulouse FC, that is.

For a team that needs to sign some players, where the hell are they? CB or two, a forward or two, maybe a midfielder. Any time now is good... Johnson. You're breaking my heart homie. Just when we've figured out your deal and how you play, you bag one... The MarinEra(TM) is in full swing as he's managed to pull a result with barely a forward in the side. Hope he's not thinking he's on par with Houdini just yet... forgive my music nerdity but I can't help hearing this song in my head after two home games with a similar outcome (the video sucks but I find the song catchy)... Danny K may not be the best striker in the world or the league, but he's like a security blanket and without him in the side, it just feels weird... So this is officially now a streak, and not a smudge.  Crazy stuff... How messed up is it to be excited about being caught up with the bottom of the league?  On a scale of 1 to 10, it's likely an 8 but this is quite the move, all things considering... Do you think Soolsma misses us?... Lambe is a bit of a beast, isn't he.  Hope his knock isn't too bad, but the kid is tough.  If he was about 3 inches taller an 30 lbs heavier, he'd pummel defenders, wouldn't he?

Team Ratings : Kocic 7, Morgan 6, Emory 6, Ecks 6.5, Henry 6.5, Avila 6 [Wiedeman 6.5], Frings 6.5, Dunfield 6, Lambe 7 [Stinson N/A], Silva 7, Johnson 6.

@ignirtoq can be followed on Teh Twitterz if you're bored. He rarely starts conversations, but if provoked, he's been known to throw in some randomness like a Family Guy episode, except you know the reference and it's not nearly as funny as it was in his head.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

THE MATCHUP: Rapidly Seeking Strikers

Are either of you a "fox in the box"?

It's entirely up to you whether you choose to blame the current management team, the previous one or whatever Pagans used to sacrifice virgins on the site of BMO Field. No matter who is at fault for TFC's striker crisis - after Danny Koevermans was ruled out for the season - it's a giant mess. Through some very poor team building/roster management, TFC is currently left with a choice of Ryan Johnson (off of failure to hit sides of barns), Andrew Wiedeman (off of nine games in MLS) and Keith Makubuya (off of soon to be in CSL) as their strike options. Crickets.
Even before Koef's untimely injury, the forward role had little depth - especially evident after the dismissal of Joao Plata and Nick Soolsma. This flew under the radar of course because of the even worse crisis on the defensive line and the torrid scoring of Koevermans. Now that there is a mess on two fronts, some very tough transfer decisions need to be made by Mariner & Co. in order to keep TFC's heads above water. A chance then for Colorado Rapids who have yet to beat TFC at BMO Field to take advantage of a paper-thin attack unless someone on The Reds steps up and fills a very big void.
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Milos Kocic
COLORADO: Conor Casey, Omar Cummings, Martin Rivero
TFC's "striker crisis" solved by:
- Paul Mariner becoming player/manager: 50-1
- Tiny boots for "Bitchy the Hawk": 25-1
- TFC's "Dream Striker Job" competition winner: 2-1
Much like Bigfoot and Loch Ness, it is a scientific fact that BMO Field is a cursed place built above an ancient burial ground. The exact spot of past virgin sacrifice lies directly below where The Reds strikers roam which has in turn cast spells on TFC strikers with many a malady following:
DANNY DICHIO: Lower lumbar/Male pattern baldness
JEFF CUNNINGHAM: Severe sucking
MISTA: Narcolepsy
CHAD BARRETT: Chronic shanking
ANDREA LOMBARDO: Delayed Dufferin bus

Monday, July 16, 2012

THE STARTING 11: TFC contract clauses offered to Olof Mellberg

The hunter... has become the hunted. BORK!

Prior to Saturday's match in New England, the Toronto FC community got the vapours over the "imminent" signing of Swedish International defender Olof Mellberg. Many outlets who trail The Reds seemed ready to declare the hulking Scandinavian signed, sealed and delivered as TFC's new DP and saviour of the backline. While things have gone very quiet since Saturday evening and manager Paul Mariner publically asked for patience, contract negotiations could very well be going on at this moment. Perhaps, TFC just needs to sweeten the pot for Mellberg with a few personal extras...
11. Technical Director of Beards added to bench staff
10. The Swedish Bikini Turf-Girl Team (TM)
9. Meatball Butty
8. Choice of three Toronto-area IKEA locations to use as his home
7. "Bitchy The Hawk" retrained to catch pickled herring
6. Julian de Guzman's leftover Lamborghini turned into a pimped out, orange Volvo stationwagon
5. The MLS Anthem replaced at BMO Field by ABBA's "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)"
4. All video replays to be in black-and-white and shot in the brooding style of Ingmar Bergman
3. MLSE promises to hunt and eliminate infamous Muppet "The Swedish Chef"
2. Ty Harden to legally change name to Thor Hardstrom
1. BMO Field to introduce strict "NO NORWEGIANS" policy

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the field... your Toronto FC!"

Saturday, July 14, 2012

AFTER 90: Some New England evolution

Can the Reds momentum carry from their amazing midweek win?
Will Paul Mariner manage TFC's first win at his old stomping ground?
Does new-boy Andrew Wiedeman make an appearance?
Is Kevin McKenna here yet?
Can Terry "Thierry" Dunfield continue his best form as a Red?
Is Olaf Mellberg here yet?
Have those musket dudes behind the New England goal ever actually shot someone and/or felt the warm embrace of a woman?

8' - GOAL: Toronto - Luis Silva
42' - SUB: Andrew Wiedeman on for Danny Koevermans

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Lambe going all Reggienaldo on the assist
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Koevermans leaving on a stretcher with a nasty knee knock


69' - SUB: Aaron Maund in for Reggie Lambe
85' - YELLOW CARD: Terry Dunfield
90' - SUB: Matt Stinson in for Luis Silva
90'+ - YELLOW CARD: Ashtone Morgan

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Milos Kocic saving the game late
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: A ridiculous 7 minutes of Extra Time


PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 7.5 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Logan Emory 7 / Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Reggie Lambe 6.5 (Aaron Maund 6) / Terry Dunfield 6.5 / Torsten Frings 6 / Luis Silva 6.5 (Matt Stinson N/A) / Danny Koevermans 6.5 (Andrew Wiedeman 5.5) / Ryan Johnson 5.5


While much of the excitement for Reds supporters in the lead-up to the match was around the Olof Mellberg to TFC rumours, for once, the match overshadowed off-field news. Far from a pretty match (outside of the very sweet goal by Silva), TFC did show a steely backbone in preserving a 1-0 lead for the majority of the match. While they still have some serious holes to fill there are some very pleasing signs that the squad is indeed playing as more of a "club" under Paul Mariner.

Unfortunately there is a very dark lining around the good result in that Danny Koevermans picked up what could turn into a season-ending injury. With the big Dutchman being the only reliable source of goals in the recent weeks, his absence would put a big roadblock before any TFC resurgence, even if the playoffs are still a pipe dream. The truth is, whether Koevermans is out or not, TFC desperately needs another striker. While the focus on potential transfers is justifiably on the centreback position, the striker role could be about to be a very weak link and one that Ryan Johnson nor any other current options are good enough to carry. Testing times ahead made a bit easier for tonight by TFC's first win in Foxboro.

Friday, July 13, 2012

THE MATCHUP: New Englishman's Revolution

Probably best to fall in line lads

TV: TSN 2 ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
It's all a bit hard to get your head around tomorrow's TFC match after yet another day of tumult and seismic shifting for the club. Yet for the man who pulled the trigger, Paul Mariner, where would be more apt a location than New England where he cut his MLS (assistant) managerial teeth? Many Revs supporters were more upset with the loss of Mariner over Steve Nicol and will get their first reunion with the Englishman in the midst of him putting his personal stamp on The Reds.
Are TFC a better team tomorrow without de Guzman? Of course not. The success of today's deal will all come down to how the salary saving is spent. If Mariner shores up the defence for the first time in six years then he will seem genius in some eyes. If it ends up being more of the same TFC inaction - then it will seem like change for change's sake. Rumours are abound regarding incoming players but for Saturday, Mariner must continue his Toronto revolution as is. If he remembers his time well from the home dugout, he may remember that Gillette Stadium is a place where his "revolutionaries" have yet to win a match.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Return of the Ancient Mariner"
NEW ENGLAND: Benny Feilhaber, Shalrie Joseph, Matt Reis
TORONTO: Terry Dunfield, Danny Koevermans, Luis Silva
Players who may fill de Guzman's place:
- Alessandro Del Piero: 100-1
- Kevin McKenna: 10-1
- Andy Iro: EVENS
A peculiar feature of the Gillette Stadium area of Foxborough, Mass. is the adjacent Patriot Place Shopping Center. Part of The Kraft Group's NFL-driven domain, the mall does have some MLS and Revolution features as well. Walking past the 80-foot platinum statue of Robert Kraft you will first see the children's water park featuring a waterslide in the shape of Alexei Lalas' infamous World Cup goatee. If shopping is more your thing then you can always visit the Revs' themed shops such as Bed, Bath, Blake Brettschneider & Beyond, Crabtree & Steve Nicol, lingerie shop Benny Feilhaber's Secret and for your household and medical needs Shalrie Joseph Drugs.
And... since it's Friday, we already sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" on Wednesday and The Beatles' "Revolution" is too obvious...

de Guzman de gone to FC de Allas

No need to hitchhike Jules - you've got a Lambo!

Much maligned by some, to be missed by others, TFC's first-ever Designated Player and Scarborough native Julian de Guzman has been traded to FC Dallas. In a move that is quite obviously a salary dump, The Reds receive Andrew Wiederman in return. Wiederman is a 22-year old midfielder/winger with Generation Adidas status who has yet to see significant playing time in MLS.
The long-term litmus test on today's deal will of course be what Toronto FC does with what Paul Mariner claims "gives us increased flexibility to address areas where we have more pressing needs and opens up a designated player spot for our club," The pressure will be on Mariner and Co. to make a series of moves that indeed plugs the gaping holes on TFC while addressing the lust in many circles to add a marquee name. While dumping de Guzman will satisfy some fans who never held any affection for the player, that goodwill will wear off in a hurry if the club falls into its usual state of inaction.
July 12, 2012
8PM: First rumours of Julian de Guzman departing Toronto
8:30PM: Texas Lamborghini dealers get odd text messages
9PM: FC Dallas emerge as destination for de Guzman
9:30PM: Wrexham upset that rumours of them getting Wales' second de Guzman in a week would not come true
10PM: Whispers that Canadian international defender Kevin McKenna may be on his way to TFC
10:30PM: Whispers that TFC may be receiving Tony Tchani, Danleigh Borman and Andy Iro in return for de Guzman
July 13, 2012
1AM: Rick Titus unable to sleep with sudden TFC job openings. Stares at beeper for an hour
2AM: de Guzman's agent confirms that trade to Dallas is for realsies
4AM: With a DP slot open - TFC consider Messi.
4:02AM: CORRECTION: "TFC considered messy"
6AM: Earlier Kevin McKenna to TFC rumour actually "Paul Mariner to send Jim Brennan out to get McDonald's." Mariner loves him some Hot Cakes & Sausage. FACT.
7AM: Still not a peep from Rick Titus' beeper
9AM: Rangers dropped to Scottish Third Division. Why has TFC not sent a rescue helicopter for Maurice Edu yet?
10AM: Official trade confirmations coming in (here)... And scene....
10:45AM: Rick Titus unhappy. Hot Cakes & Sausage finished.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Toronto FC wages "War on Puns"

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Let's cut the crap Toronto FC. We know what you're up to and yes, we're taking it personally. You aren't making personnel moves based on talent, roster size, salary cap or international slots. No... you wily devils are trying to destroy the TFC blog industry one pun at a time! We already know you do everything in your power to control the message ("who went to Glasgow with the what now?") but this is our livelihoods* (*the kind of livelihood that doesn't pay you a cent) you are playing with! For shame!
The proof is in the butty, friends. In the last few weeks, Toronto FC has dispatched hundreds of unused "Junior CheeseBurgos" puns with the unceremonious dumping of Efrain Burgos Jr. They followed that up by "loaning" Joao Plata back to LDU Quito... you know, after pretending Ecuador was make-believe for two weeks. So many "tiny", "short" and "Los Webster" headlines... gone. Then yesterday, the final insult, the release of Nick Soolsma - a man we built an industry out of based on his genuine love for his cat "Suarez". Seriously, let's not even get into the goldmine that was Aron Winter. It's nameism we tell you!
Think we are just being paranoid? Explain to us how these finely crafted pun-machines were let go without a whimper yet Miguel "Ace is all we've got" Aceval and Ty "Try Harder" Harden are still here?! Those are such lame headline makers! You may laugh as our ratings tumble at the hands of TFC but don't come crying to us when Reggie Lambe and Dicoy Williams are released next week! Maybe an act of good faith, like signing Italian trialist Alberto "The Gelato" Giuliatto could prove us wrong - but we're sure The Reds are up to no good! You can bet Yourassowsky!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Vancouver... or Greatest. Match. Ever.

Sometimes, this part of the report is written before a match in a vain attempt to build towards some kind of atmosphere, as someone who's reliving the "match-day experience" or whatever that could possibly mean in MLS(E) land.  But tonight, there will be no pre-match set-up beyond the following : Toronto mediocre, everyone else better, wonder how the hell a team six seasons on is still this crap.

But the finish was a classic.  The football was sloppy at times, but a classic nonetheless.

Predictions match the absurdity going into the match.  @theyorkies1812 was calling for a 4-0 loss so we could use the headline "Cat-tastrophy" in regards to Soolsma's departure.  Brandon was predicting a penalty shootout, but he was crazy so telling him that it couldn't happen was off the table.  We had 2-1 for Toronto from @kzknowles, 2-1 loss, and I was feeling 0-0.

On to the match.

Quote of the Match
If only all of our players were somebody else.

20' - Frings' ball into the box as Danny K goes for a cute flick redirect but doesn't get enough on it and it rolls out.

28' - SUB - Hall comes off early due to injury and is replace by Henry

36' - YELLOW - Silva does stuff, gets booked.

41' - Oh Johnson... fail.  On a break with only Cannon to beat and can't do it.  Rebound ends up at the feet of deGoo who spins around to get a shot off that Cannon lunges for to parry around the post.

Half-time mood : Not the most exciting first half ever witnessed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

50' - GOAL - Darren Mattocks gets around a downed Kocic and pots it.  Not terribly surprising.

53-59' - My good friend Phil nudges me and we start singing "Bohemian Rhapsody".  We got through the whole song. Brilliant stuff.  If you have a youtube link of it, please let us know...

60' - SUB - an unremarkable deGoo makes way for Avila.

63' - YELLOW - Dunfield does stuff, gets booked.

We need a goal right now!  We need to put in Plata and Soolsma.  No?  OK, then Nesta...

69' - GOAL - Well, a game is certainly now on.  Short cross from Morgan finds the boots of Silva who swings it past Cannon, banking off the far post and in.

72' - Frings free kick curls over the wall and is screaming for the inside right post, but a flight from Cannon tips it away.

73' - GOAL - Frings has a go from 20 yards out, dummied by Dunfield to slide into the far left corner of the net.  Brilliant stuff.

85' - Mattocks goes around a downed Kocic and hits the post.  Rebound comes out for an attempt, stopped by Eckersley.  Following rebound stopped by Staltini (that's Emory). #exhausted

4 minutes of extra time

90+1' - GOAL - OMFG... Mattocks takes flight over Kocic and another defender and pokes it.  The disbelief... heartbreak.

or is it?

90+4' - No flags gone up.  No cards.  The ref isn't pointing at anyone or anything.  OMG... GOAL - Terry "Mother F**kin'" Dunfield with his first goal in a Robins jersey, gets the header over everyone and puts it top left corner.  Absolute madness and delirium ensues.

FULL TIME : Toronto 3, Vancouver 2

Wow.  Just wow.  What a roller coaster.

Man of the Match : Though Dunfield had an amazing game, as did Frings, but I'm going to give it to my buddy Phil for starting "Bohemian Rhapsody" when they were down 1-0.  Total turning point.

Goat of the Game : Ryan Johnson, who often works his ass off has a finishing problem.  If he buried 10% of his chances, he'd probably have 7 goals by now.  With the elation of the finish to the game, his performance was the only one goat-worthy.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  The question remains, in a match with two Canadian franchises, who does the ref screw over more?  Wasn't sure if the answer was still Toronto at times.

Kit Spotting : Saw Olympiakos home, FC Koln but the winner was the lad behind us with the Oxford United jersey.

Greatest TFC match ever.  Not the best performance, but that finish was just fantastic.  Typically the Robins are the team getting put over the barrel with injury time remaining, but this is a first. Haven't left BMO with this big a grin since Canada drew Ecuador (which is technically a win since Ecuador shouldn't draw Canada ever) and the irony is the goal that made the difference in both games was scored by Terry "Mother F**kin'" Dunfield.

Frings was just comprehensive tonight.  He is truly the leader and captain of this ship.  Hard to believe that Frings is 46 years old... Seriously. Great finish... The departure of Soolsma disappoints me greatly. Aside from the cat references and the pretty shirt that we made is now a dead gag, Nick Soolsma went from being my goat of the season in 2011 for always being in position, getting the ball and not being able to beat a pylon - to turning defenders around and providing some great passes and shots in the short time he was here in 2012.  There is likely more to it than just simply cutting ties and that's unfair.  We wish him the best and safe travels with his wonderful cat Suarez... That was the best match ever.  Man you should've seen it... Come to think of it, if Suarez is canned for being the wrong guy under an old regime, I get it, but if it is for embarrassment to the club, then someone needs to fire the hell out of whoever wasn't paying attention to DeRo training with Celtic or Plata going back to LDU Quito.  For a club/company that controls and manipulates the media, that's truly an embarrassment... Good lord what a match!

Player Ratings : Kocic 6; Hall N/A [Henry 6], Eckersley 6.5, Emory 6, Morgan 6.5; Dunfield 7, de Guzman 6 [Avila 6], Frings 7.5, Silva 6.5; Koevermans 6, Johnson 5.5, Phil* 9

* Phil is not really a player, just my friend.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

THE MATCHUP: Fifty Shades of Joe Cannon

We at The Yorkies are nothing if not media trend watchers and literary insiders and would be blind not to notice the impact of "mommy porn" faux-rotica sensation "50 Shades of Grey". In honour of MLS' most erotic player - Whitecaps keeper Joe Cannon - and in a shameless crotch-grab at higher readership through accidental Googling, we present today's sexy, sexy pre-match...
It was a hot, steamy Sunday afternoon on that riverbank. The local boys were left sweating. Their tight crimson shirts doused with perspiration. Their chests heaved in exasperation whilst steely eyes dropped in frustration at yet another unfulfilling encounter. Their boss, his tiny shorts leaving little to the imagination... legs brazenly bared to the world.... fumed as he saw his charges once again slip to their knees at the foot of the table. They had to head home that night and regroup. Train together, bond... even the jilted de Guzman had to be bold. An old rival was coming to visit with a score to settle. Also, Ty Harden.
The man with a score to settle will arrive under the cover of night. Emerging from his mountainous lair, confidently dressed in bold colours... and legwarming spandex. Hot. Joe Cannon and his young squad have thrust their way on to the higher reaches of the western-style table and just won't quit. Bucking expectations, taking some by surprise with their swift, bold movements. However, their only desire on a humid midweek evening by the moonlit lake will be to dominate the locals who stole their manhood by grabbing their NutCan. Hot. Also, formerly Long Tan.
"The Great Canadian Bagel Derby" (Spicy Cream Cheese Edition)
PLAYERS TO WATCH (Faux-rotic version):
TORONTO: Terry Dongfelt, Julian Feelz Goodman, Reggie Slambe
VANCOUVER: Eric Assli, Joe Cannon, Barry Throbson
- Paul Mariner showing some serious thigh: 2-1
- Balls passing between Joe Cannon's legs: 10-1
- Toronto FC getting a happy ending: 100-1
The erotically-named Joe Cannon has not gone unnoticed in the hyper-sexualized world of international goalkeeping. Long considered a vanguard in the hottest of all football positions, Joe Cannon's porntacular moniker has once again earned him a spot in FIFA's "All-Time Erotic Goalkeeper List". The Vancouver keeper's name managed to beat out competition from Bruce Grobbelaar's moustache, former Mexican keeper Jorge Campos' infamous neon undergarments, USSR legend Lev Yashin's homoerotic Soviet Navy tattoos and of course - David Seaman.

Oh, Joe... you randy minx!

Monday, July 9, 2012

THE STARTING 11: New TFC excuses

Coronal Mass Ejection! 1-0 Philadelphia.

If you listen to any Toronto FC home broadcasts or read any missive from official club releases you can be forgiven for thinking The Reds are the only MLS club to travel by plane or play in harsh weather. No matter who has been coaching, the make-up of the squad or the club's form, somehow six years of losses and awful performances (see here) are excused by "fatigue", "harsh conditions" and/or "a transition period". These are fine platitudes for broadcasters and journalists to trot out now and again but after more than half-a-decade, they are a bit played out. So, being our helpful selves, we offer up these new excuses for the rest of 2012's poor showings...

11. "Sudden Plata loss"

10. "Tightness in abs" (Adrian Cann only)

9. "ButtyGut"

8. "Bieber Fever"

7. "5-Year Planic attacks"

6. "Solar flares"

5. "Lathered. Rinsed. Forgot to repeat."

4. "The evils of gingivitis"

3. "The Summertime Blues" (There is no cure)

2. "Male-pattern badness"

1. "Rumoured losses pending official club announcement"

Sunday, July 8, 2012

AFTER 90: Not so "Fresh"

"Smell ya later!"

Have The Reds truly found stability or is it a blip?
Can TFC avoid giving away another early goal?
Will a couple of guys get up to no good?
Is Koef fit, and if so, can he continue scoring?
Will someone start trouble in the neighourhood?
Is Joao Plata "still part of TFC" despite being part of LDU Quito?
Are we moving with our auntie & uncle etc. etc.??
34' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Gabriel Gomez
36' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Freddy Adu
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Watching a Fresh Prince video before the match started
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Watching the four football impersonators on defence flop about for 45 minutes

45' - SUB: Julian de Guzman in for Eric Avila
56' - YELLOW CARD: Ryan Johnson
65' - SUB: Luis Silva in for Terry Dunfield
77' - YELLOW CARD: Torsten Frings
78' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Antoine Hoppenot
86' - SUB: Doneil Henry on for Logan Emory
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Mariner remembering he has one of those de Guzmans
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Hearing the "Tired. Conditions. Repeat." excuses for TFC we have heard for over half a decade

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 5.5 / Jeremy Hall 4.5 / Richard Eckersley 5 / Logan Emory 5 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Terry Dunfield 5 (Luis Silva 4.5 ) / Torsten Frings 6 / Eric Avila 5 (Julian de Guzman 6 ) / Danny Koevermans 6 / Ryan Johnson 5.5

(Only because we have to pick someone)

Rather than add to the litany of tired excuses trotted out to apologize for Toronto FC, here is a Philadelphia-esque ditty to sum up the match for those of you smart enough to do better with your Sunday afternoon...

Southwest of Philadelphia went to play
In our own end is where we spent most of the day
Dropping back, taxing, scrambling like tools
Trying to defend but looking like fools
When a few of the Union, began passing quick
Started taking shots at Milos Kocic
One little goal quickly turned into three
The Reds back to normal - playing miserably

Friday, July 6, 2012

THE MATCHUP: Eye of the Tiger etc.

Easy there Maxim Usanov...

What better fixture for Toronto FC to test their new "warrior mentality" than against the fighting town of Philadelphia and the closest club to The Reds in the table, the Union? Going toe-to-toe against the birthplace of famous pugilist Roccolino "Rocky" Benito Balboa, for us, means this match can go one of five ways:
I: The Reds will spend the day jogging through Chester before having a massive battle with Union which sees them fight bravely but lose bloodied yet respected.
II: In their 2012 re-match against Union, the better trained Reds with their hard-punching new tactics shock the Union with a late match knockout. Manager growls a lot.
III: The triumphant Reds are about to unveil a statue of Danny Dichio at their new training complex when a gold-chain wearing Danny Califf shows up and tells TFC's wife that he'll "show her a real man". A melee ensues before Union beat on a bloated TFC. Reds later even the score. Draw.
IV: Ex-Toronto defender Maxim Usanov shows up for the match. TFC takes five minutes to enter the field to a musical montage before an angered Usanov punches Jim Brennan into oblivion. TFC later go to Nunavut to train in a cabin.
V, VI, VII: Nobody bothers to watch. Italian Stallion chooses Montreal over Toronto.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Showtime at the Apollo Creed"
PHILADELPHIA: Freddy Adu, Jorge Perlaza, Carlos Valdes
TORONTO: Terry Dunfield, Torsten Frings, Danny Koevermans
- Frings saying "I must break you" to Union captain: 2-1
- Joao Plata's rights ending up with Uncle Paulie: 5-1
- Philadelphia Union entering the pitch on rising platform from beneath the stadium as Jacob Peterson sings "Living in America" while dressed as Uncle Sam: 10-1
PPL Park is located in the suburban Philadelphia city of Chester. Founded in 1976 by a group of down-on-their-luck Italian-Americans, the area was once famous for its hand-beaten sides of beef, many steps and independently-owned pet shops. Despite losing its lustre in the 1990's, the modern city has rebounded as a leader in Robot Butler technology. Despite a well-documented prejudice against Soviets, the area has re-branded itself (six times) and is led by brutal Mayor James Clubber Lang.