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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

THE MATCHUP: "Canada - F#@! Yeah!"

Rush - "O Canada" with 5 minute drum solo

BMO Field - Saturday 7PM ET
After a tough night last Saturday for TFC supporters, the Reds' faithful are due for a good time. Having to fight through a war zone city only to witness one of the most lifeless matches this season, the fans will want a big Canada Day win. At the very least, the BMO Field crowd won't have to cross riot police and running street battles to reach the match as the G20 Summit is a distant, expensive memory.
Actually, the G20 and Toronto FC's front office are quite similar. They both meet behind closed doors and only emerge for photo ops. They both have heavy handed security forces to stare down (or worse) the very people who pay their wages. And, neither of them ever accomplishes much. But we digress.... Hey! Turn that frown upside down - the underperforming Houston Dynamo are in town! It's Canada Day - let's celebrate syrup, The Littlest Hobo and Rush! If TFC can't get pumped up and get 3 points from that - take away their passports.
TEXAN CANADIANS: Andre Hainault D, Pat Onstad GK, Adrian Serioux D
CANADIAN CANADIANS: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Julian de Guzman MF, Nana Attakora D
- Fake vuvuzela noises replaced with patriotic Bob & Doug "Koo-roo-koo-koo's": 2-1
- BMO Field security to "box in" shirtless supporters in the rain for five hours: 5-1
- Adrian Serioux to go "all predator" on Mo Johnston's ass: 3-1
- Prime Minister Harper to stop by at halftime and hand Mayor Miller a giant, deserved cheque to Toronto to cover the G20 damages: 8000-1
- "Bitchy" the BMO Field hawk to be replaced by patriotic beaver on a hang glider
- In honour of the Queen's visit to Canada, teams to play exact replica of recent England vs. Algeria World Cup match
- Houston and Canada goalkeeper Pat Onstad will be celebrating his 63rd birthday this weekend
- Maxim Usanov will be outside BMO Field punching all non-Canadians in the head for charity

Monday, June 28, 2010

THE STARTING 11: Strange World Cup injuries

Yikes! Let's hope it's not # 7!

There are few worse ways for a player's World Cup journey to end than in injury. Being carted off the field to polite applause knowing you won't return must be devastating. This year's tournament hasn't seen any major breakdowns but it has definitely caused an array of strange ailments. They aren't unique to players on the pitch either - they can spring up amongst the spectators in the stadium, fans watching on TV and even lazy millionaire players who failed miserably and have an Italian coach who are now flyingbacktoLondonrightnowinfirstclasstotheirsupermodelgirlfriendsandgiantmansions - lazy $#!!cking useless &#$!s - NOW I"M SCREAMING!!!...... sorry. Ahem. Yes, unique World Cup injuries....
11. Malaise Au Francaise
10. Aching Bakofeng
9. Hairy Kewells
8. Cancerous Anelka
7. Scrote D'Ivoir
6. Messi Kaka / Messi Dunga
5. Vuvu-Mouth
4. Green Thumbs
3. Tshabalalacerations
2. Ghana Rhea
1. Busted Lippi

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Los Angeles... or Everyone Safe From Riot as Almost No Shots Fired

Yes. This is the best I could come up with.

There's a riot going on. Apparently. See, for those of you who don't know/don't have seasons tickets/don't own cable, Toronto is the epicentre for the G20 meeting taking place. Not to be outdone, it's also taking place for another non-appearance from Mr. Golden Bollocks himself (see crap logo above). Also, no Landon Donovan. Nor the huge mistake of letting him go before his skills peak future golden boot winner "T.O. Reject" Edson Buddle. Surely 3 points are a no brainer?

It's humid, it's a police state out there (0:25 seconds in, the reference is good), and somehow a decent crowd showed up amidst the chaos.

On to the match.

Predictions have a bunch calling for 1-0 Toronto, and a lone 2-1 L.A.

Quote of the match
Capitalism will survive through the night
~ Tony


3' - Peterson with a cross and OBW nowhere to be found. To be rewritten in "Yorkies speak" but not racist in any way : Vanilla cross with no White to be found.

18' - Pathetic Bullsh*t Call #4 of the match, OBW "ran over" Omar Gonzales for a free kick. Replay showed otherwise. If I knew they were going to be called so fast and furious in the opening minutes, I'd have documented the previous 3.

21' - In the most amazing move in 113 solidarity, the fans make "fake vuvuzela noise" for a few mins. Made all the better by someone doing their best inane play-by-play voice complete with English accent. Brilliant.

25' - Vanilla takes a shot at the edge of the 18 yd box. First real attempt from either side. Labrocca follows with a shot wide right from 20 yards out.

35' - Labrocca has another nice attempt, this time from 15 yds out, that bends nice but doesn't dip quite enough. Why our midfield is our only one taking shots, I don't know.

42' - WHERE'S THE CHAD?!?! OBW can't wrestle candy from a 3 yr old let alone a ball from a defender. In this "trap" that LA has been playing well (with the help of some suspect calls from linesmen), White is completely useless, and speed is what we are severely lacking. Labrocca as another go from 20 yds out and is getting closer to goal.

Half Time Mood : more excitement sitting than standing.

45' - SUB - OBW out, Chad in. I know I could be the gaffer, but give up the glory of smart-arsed match reports? Are you insane?!

48' - Frei makes a stop from 10 yds out with the defence letting him down.

53' - Juninho (no not that one) has a go from 10 yds out that hits the side of the netting. All the more amazing that he accomplished that with 5 defenders around him. Ugh.

59' - SUB - Saric out, deGoo in. Tony points out that this should allow DeRo to play up more in the forwards role and let deGoo run the midfield.

62' - Kirovski takes a header from 9 yds out in the middle of goal and finds the hands of Frei.

64' - Vanilla goes down outside the box and the ensuing free kick smacks into the wall. *sigh*

70' - SUB - Vanilla out, Gala in. If I made an apple jacks reference, would anyone get it?

74' - Cazumba is sooooo injured (rolling around, clutching face, so you know it's serious). We kinda wished he had a brother playing along side of him so we could say "hey, check out the Cazumbas on LA!" but that's all for naught.

84' - DeRo makes a nice run, crosses to Gala who's first touch ends up somewhere near the food building. THIS was the most exciting thing all half and arguably all game.

4 minutes of extra misery

Full Time : Toronto 0, Los Angeles 0

Man of the Match : Labrocca for actually shooting the ball.
Goat of the Game : it was a team effort to be this anemic... so pick one.
Ref rating : 2 out of 5. England game notwithstanding (though eerily timely), this is why replays are good. Takes the idiot factor out of the game.

You would think that with LA missing three of it's key players (well, 2 and Becks) that the indomitable TFC at home, no less, would have romped over the toothless Galaxy. Well, apparently we left the dentures by the sink as well. A boring match. I mean, really? We were entertained by VUVUZELA NOISES. Honestly. So bad.

Granted, being spoiled by the World Cup has us longing for something better *cough*Major League what exactly*cough*, this game couldn't produce a talking point beyond how there was no talking point to be had.

The worst part was, with this whole political backdrop, I wanted to use a Rage Against The Machine reference soooo bad. I mean, they're political. Angry. But I can't. Too boring. Dull. Sad. The game could've used some of this...

Friday, June 25, 2010

THE MATCHUP: It'll be a riot

Seriously. No outside food or drink at BMO

BMO Field - Saturday 7:30PM ET
Tornadoes. Earthquakes. Anti-Globalization protests. Riot police. Ahh, summer in Toronto! Welcome Los Angeles Galaxy - thought East LA was bad huh? Yes, MLS action returns to Toronto Saturday night amidst the biggest shutdown the city has seen since Pope John Paul II wrestled a bear at Varsity Stadium. The G20 Summit has turned downtown Toronto into an "Escape From New York" set and MLSE really saw no economic value in postponing the match for its loyal fans. But hey - replica jerseys are available - ORDER NOW!
Major League Soccer's World Cup break has indeed ended and Los Angeles stroll (i.e. fight through barricades) into Toronto as the league's best team. Lucky for The Reds, Galaxy will be missing their two biggest stars, Edson Buddle and Landon Donovan, who are in Africa playing in some kind of little soccer tournament. 5-a-side or something. TFC isn't without its own woes as both strikers, O'Brien White and Chad "The Chad" Barrett, are late fitness questions. Not to worry though, apparently Mo Johnston is in the market for a new striker. (Oh, sorry. Those were my notes from 2007. And 2008. Part of 2009 as well.)
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Toronto Apocalypse Derby"
LA RIOTS: Donovan Ricketts GK, Omar Gonzalez D, Chris Klein MF
RED ARMY: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Stefan Frei GK, Adrian Cann D
- More than 300 fans showing up at BMO: 10-1
- LA press claiming "Toronto just too dangerous a city": 7-1
- Maxim Usanov punching a police horse: 2-1
- Supporter getting tasered for having a juice box in bag: EVENS
WHO ARE YA? (Special G20 Edition)
- French and Italian G20 leaders will attend the match to see some "proper football"
- Preki has asked Summit organizers to build security fence around Stefan Frei
- Exhibition-bound GO Trains and streetcars to be armoured like in "Mad Max"
- Ultras' flares made redundant by tear gas smoke wafting in from downtown Toronto

GO Transit and TTC are operating normal service

Thursday, June 24, 2010

South Canada's Cup dream ends valiantly

It's a bittersweet day for Yorkies everywhere. Our adopted "World Cup Minnow", the All Whites of New Zealand, were heroically eliminated from the competition earlier today. The Kiwis performed far above any pundit's expectation with a hat-trick of draws against Slovakia, Italy and Paraguay. The big three points they gained from those draws was enough to seal third place in Group F, finishing above abysmal reigning World Champions Italy and only just missing the knockout stages.
Of course the All Whites were helped massively from the now famous "Yorkies’ Bump" - the amazing boost teams get from our pre-tournament adoption. Opposite of the Sports Illustrated cover curse, teams will no doubt be lining up for our prestigious endorsement in the future. With Euro 2012 on the horizon we expect a call from Kazakhstan soon.
It's been a great showing for Canada too. See, New Zealand is really Bizarro Canada. On the other side of the world, generally nice people with a small population, a Commonwealth cousin, a loud and annoying neighbour who kind of speaks the same language and one plucky football club in that other country's league. So, in effect Canada almost made it to the knockout stages of the World Cup! Who needs the CSA?
It's been quite a ride for our plucky little friends but now it's time to set them free. Like a sheep that’s off to University of Wellington with the hope of becoming New Zealand's Prime Minister, we must let go. Well done boys... and you're welcome.
The All Whites are dead.
The Paraguayan passes,
Eliminated their asses.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The way to Sam Jose

Last kick at the NutCan

BREAKING NEWS! "News story that was completed weeks ago now official!" Read all about it here!

Yes, the worst kept secret in the wacky world of Toronto FC was made official today and the transfer of industrious midfielder Sam Cronin to San Jose is a done deal. Toronto receives that mysterious element known as MLS allocation money in return for a guy deemed worthy of drafting above current LA Galaxy defensive standout Omar Gonzalez only last year. What will be done with that allocation money is but a secret to a select few... and of course the First Wave Agency group.

The eternally hard-working Cronin proved himself as a solid and dependable, if unspectacular, workman who racked up the club's third most minutes played in his rookie season. In a year when TFC was splitting at the seams, the composed Cronin held his own and was even one of the outspoken critics of the state of the club after the New York debacle. Whether his alignment with the other critics (the equally departed Serioux, Robinson etc.) doomed his time in Toronto or if he just wasn't a "Preki guy" will likely stay secret for now. Either way, San Jose head (and TFC dream director) Frank Yallop has landed a player who will likely prove to be a solid MLS pro for years to come.

Meanwhile, back in the Mo-Cave... we'll wait breathlessly (can you breathe sarcastically?) for Mo Johnston to use the allocation money on a high quality unknown Eastern European/ unemployed Canadian/ elderly Brit/ First Wave client.

Monday, June 21, 2010

THE STARTING 11: North Korean World Cup bonuses

------------- It rewinds and... wait for it... fast forwards!

One of the quirkiest oddities of World Cups is the added bonuses that players are promised if successful. Yes there is prize money for the winners but it was always fun when the Royal Family of a Middle Eastern nation would promise any player who scored a goal a new Rolls-Royce or gold plated pyjamas. No official word but MLSE apparently owes Chad Barrett five Chip Buttys. The biggest bonus surprises at this year's World Cup would have to be from the ultra-secretive North Korea (or DPR Korea to its friends). Just what luxuries could be in store for the plucky communists?
11. Ten minute head start at next attempted defection
10. Free "Axis of Evil - 2010" t-shirts
9. Get to become pitchmen for popular North Korean sports drink "Democratic Peoples' Thirst Elimination Liquid"
8. Players and their families get two-night stay at "Sandals Pyongyang Resort Camp"
7. Kim Jong Il-style khaki jumpsuits for the whole team
6. Two month supply of spicy pickled cabbage upon return
5. Cameo appearance on North Korea's #1 sitcom "Everybody Loves Kim... Or Else"
4. Get face on stamp instead of stamped on face
3. Brand new Sanyo BetaMax VCR for every goal-scorer
2. Get to fire opening missile at World War III
1. Shoes!!!

Sweet jumpsuit

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Boom! All Whites "So Hot" from Yorkies' bump

Little Toronto (aka Auckland, New Zealand)

We try to be modest here but we think we have a decent little site here that caters to footy fans of the Toronto FC ilk/ head wound victims. We had no idea however what tremendous power we wielded. Two days before the World Cup began, we officially adopted New Zealand (starring ex-TFC'er Andrew Boyens) as our "Yorkies World Cup Minnow". Previous to that day, few gave the All Whites (still not racist) any hope... now look at them. You're welcome New Zealand.

After surprising some in their opening match draw against Slovakia, the boys from "The Canada of the Southern Hemisphere" have today achieved their most historic result. A 1-1 draw with reigning World Champions Italy has shocked the football world today with the All Whites claiming arguably the biggest upset of he tournament so far. One more match to go for our adopted Kiwis and anything is still possible. They got boom, we got boom, let's go All Whites and boom the boom!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Capped! - June 19, 2010

Another week has passed and a few brave captionists managed to tear themselves away from the World Cup to try and be the week's wittiest supporter. But alas, there can be only one and the winner of last week's is "Better Best" with his apocalyptic vision of Maradona running amok through the the streets of Cape Town.

On to this week... we keep the World Cup theme going because hey - what else is going on in the world? No offence all-but-traded Sam Cronin but New Zealand's march to the World Cup trophy is far more important. Get captioning!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

16 points from 16 matches

The Swiss totally "Roned" Spain
(Do you see the bear in the mountain? Just blew your mind)

With Toronto FC on a three week break, and doing little apart from trading hard-working assets for allocation money which will turn into Eastern European cast-offs, we're at a loss of what to do. Oh well, I guess we can keep watching this big soccer tournament everyone's talking about. What is it? The Global Soccer Championship or something? Africa right? Well each "soccering franchise" has played one game and here's what we've noticed so far...
- "Vuvuzela" is a Zulu word which translates to "wasp shoved in ear canal"
- France has more team infighting and backstabbing than a whole season of "Survivor"
- Greece may never win another trophy again
- Cristiano Ronaldo may have wet himself a little when surrounded by five angry Cote D'Ivoirians after one of his infamous dives
- The Slovaks are wondering if the Czechs want to "get the band back together" before their next match
- The USA are still celebrating their 1-1 win over England
- Serbia is regretting hiring Ultimate Fighters as their defensive coaches
- Australian newspapers had to fight the temptation to use the word "Blitzkrieg" after the Aussie's 4-0 loss to Germany
- Diego Maradona's beard actually makes him look less like a fat 59-year old housewife
- Brazil's navy on high-alert as North Korea claims their sovereignty was threatened by the 2-1 loss to the South Americans
- Denmark has officially protested to FIFA over Netherlands’ unfair tactic of "not sharing the ball more"
- The last line of 1980's sitcom "Family Ties" theme song and name of South Africa's goal-scoring hero are the same word: "Tshabalala"
- New Zealand indeed "Like to Rock the Party"
- England keeper Robert Green has made inquiries into emigrating to Canada
- Spanish officials have banned Gouda, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese and Toblerone from the team's hotel
- There is no way to disguise CBC's online stream of matches as an Excel spreadsheet when watching games on office computer


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Of Kiwis and Cronins

Downtown Wellington was packed after today's 1-1 draw

It's a busy time for a Yorkie these days. Watching the 7:30AM match while brushing teeth etc. Getting to work just in time to catch the last 15 minutes and inevitably missing the match's only goal. Looking busy in front of the boss while having a wrestle with CBC's live online feed. Shuffling papers in mock business busy-ness. All the while, keeping an eye on those restless "Butty Boys" down at BMO Field. It's the best time of the quarter decade though.
Today's big news from Sith Ifrici is that The Yorkies very own adopted minnow New Zealand felt The Yorkies bump and got a historic draw! The single point against Slovakia was the All Whites (still not racist) first ever World Cup point. Winston Reid obviously "Likes to Rock the Party" as he headed home the equalizer very late in the match after some sustained (Inner.. Inner City) pressure. The Kiwis can rub their feathers in Australia's zero points face for today at least! We're proud of you our non-racially nicknamed adopted pals!

Meanwhile at the Mo-Cave...
The heavy rumours have been swirling around Toronto for a few days that TFC's 2009 1st round draft pick and all-round hard worker Sam Cronin is on the way out of BMO Field and it looks today like the deal is nearly done. Word is that TFC is only getting allocation money and/ or draft picks in return for the industrious midfielder with San Jose being the most likely dance partner. Optimists will say "they must be freeing up room for a major signing!" Realists will say "pants".
While it may look like a case of moving a surplus player for futures, it seems curious. Johnston liked Cronin enough to draft him higher than other, more promising players, so why relegate him to the bench then dispatch him for little? Nothing is for certain in the magical world of Mo and Preki but consider this nugget: after last year's 5-0 drubbing against New York, a huge dressing room rift emerged. The players who spoke out against the "management mess" were apparently Ali Gerba, Amado Guevara, Carl Robinson, Adrian Serioux, Dwayne De Rosario and Sam Cronin. Now De Ro is an untouchable but could this move really be the final sweep of the broom against the protesters? In G-20 spirit... we think Cronin just got gassed.

Cronin. Cronout.

Monday, June 14, 2010

THE STARTING 11: Reasons to bring Vuvuzelas to Toronto

A rare South African double-horned Bafana sighting

After the first few days of the World Cup there is only one word that the global audience has learned - vuvuzela. The much-maligned (except in Sith Ifrici) noise-maker is the dominant element when watching matches on TV and apparently ear-splitting in person. Despite calls to ban the plastic horns it looks as if they are set to stay through the duration of the Cup but we wonder, how could they be useful at BMO Field when TFC returns?
11. Just for the fun of hearing Craig Forrest say the word "vuvuzela"
10. Not quite as annoying as Year 4 of "The Dichio Song"
9. You can fit four chip buttys in the wide end
8. The GO Train would sound like a diesel-powered swarm of bees
7. Helpful in the new "MO BLOWS" campaign
6. "Qu-est ce que Vuve?" "Vuvule Les Rouges zele!"
5. Handy for summoning centaurs
4. TFC's new nickname: BMOfana! BMOfana!
3. Mating call to Argos fans
2. Fan giveaway: "Viagra Vuvuzela Day! - "Get the horn with Viagra!"
1. Vuvu-Beer Bongs

"Oh Herc, you can blow my horn anytime!"

Friday, June 11, 2010

CAPPED! - June 11th, 2010

Capped! is back for another week and what better day than the first day of the World Cup? The month long foot and ball orgy is under way and only slightly more competitive than this here captioning game.

Reigning champion "Jeronimo" had been on a two-week tear and followed it up again with a dazzling knowledge of flag text but it wasn't enough to beat out the mad word-play styles of "Busy B" and his Braziltastic caption. Much like the next World Cup Champion, "Busy B" is basking in the glory of a world famous win. Except without the glory. Or fame. Or... pretty much everything. On to this week!

One shot from the giant blow dart and Maradona's rampage through Cape Town was over.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

World Cup Minnow Idol

In a couple of days the eyes of the world will be on South Africa (pronounced Sith Ifrici if you're new) and the month-long foot and ball orgy that is the World Cup. You may have gleaned from this site that us Yorkies, and indeed our readers, are fairly avid (see mentally unstable) footballing aficionados. With our beloved TFC on break, we, like the rest of the world (minus North American hosers and/or rednecks) will be glued to the TV for 64 glorious matches. The only problem is... who to support?
Much like in our hometown of Toronto, there is no shortage of nationalistic favourites amongst Yorkies membership. Yes, we lean heavily to the England way of things but not in consensus. Sadly Canada is not an option ("The CSA: Watching on TV since 1986") so we have chosen to adopt a team. Now a big-wig like Brazil, Spain or Germany is no fun, so here now we present the final of "The Yorkies World Cup Minnow Idol"! The winner, no matter how “Canada '86” they play, is this site's official squad for the 2010 World Cup. Let's meet the finalists as they plead their cases...

- Their nickname is "Los Catrachos" which loosely translates to "The Hondurans". Not creative but definitely succinct.
- The capital city has the kick-ass name "Tegucigalpa"
- All-time most capped player and current captain is Toronto FC alumni Amado Guevara
- The current squad has a set of flyin' Honduran brothers - Wilson and Johnny Palacios
- They are Canada's CONCACAF cousins (pro) / They are Canada's CONCACAF cousins who usually beat Canada (con)


- Majority of the team plays their club football at Wellington Phoenix. As New Zealand's only club in Australia's A-League that makes The Phoenix the Toronto FC of Oceania
- Contrary to internet rumour, the nickname "All Whites" is in no way racist
- New Zealand is a Commonwealth cousin and the country is very much the Canada of the Southern Hemisphere
- New Zealand football fans have to put up with stick from alpha-male Rugby fans much like Canadian footy fans having to defend their sport against boorish puck-heads
- Team NZ features former TFC defender Andrew Boyens who apparently "Likes to rock the party"


- In their only previous World Cup appearance they eliminated Italy
- Their nickname is the "Chollima" (a mythological Korean horse) and they wear TFC-esque red kits
- They're so ronery
- North Korea only televises matches that they win - they are in a group with Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast... so… reruns of "Everybody Loves Kim" anyone?
- They may well fire missiles at whatever country they lose to

And the winner is... (Idol-esque pause for dramatic effect)...

NEW ZEALAND!!! Yes, "It's Business Time" and The Yorkies officially back The Kiwis in this year's Cup! So let's take roll call (Murray. Present. Bret. Present. Yorkies. Present.) and say "Up the All Whites!" Again... not racist.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

THE STARTING 11: TFC World Cup break plans

Law Offices of Cellino, Barnes & LaBrocca (LaBrocca not pictured)

With Major League Soccer's World Cup break in full swing, many of The Reds are making plans for how to spend their three week mini-break. While they should be nursing injuries, watching past game tapes and staying in shape, many of the Toronto players and staff may actually be making other plans for the next twenty-odd days...
11. Preki: Cursing in long Serbian words at the TV
10: Julian de Guzman: Inviting underprivileged Scarborough kids to watch the World Cup from the comfort of his hair
9. Danny Dichio: Spray-painting his head gold to resemble the World Cup trophy
8. Mo Johnston: Loyally cheering for South Korea. Loyally cheering for North Korea one week later.
7. Chad Barrett: Wings. Beers. Broads. Boxer shorts. Big screen TV... repeat 64 times
6. Jon Conway: Taking vacation to Tokyo - pretending he's Godzilla
5. Nick LaBrocca: Moving to Upstate New York - becoming a personal injury lawyer
4. Joseph Nane: Finding evil twin "Nane Joseph" and destroying him
3. Maxim Usanov: Punching stuff
2. Stefan Frei: Supporting Switzerland by doing drive-by cheesings and late-night prank yodelling
1. Raivis Hščanovičs: legally Canadianizing his name to "Randy Hancock"

Monday, June 7, 2010

TFC's World Cup of wellness

"It's only a flesh wound."

When the final whistle blew at the end of Saturday's tepid match against KFC, the Toronto players could at least console themselves with an upcoming three week mini-break. For the first time in league history, MLS will shut down operations during the opening rounds of the World Cup. The break will give many of The Reds a chance to recuperate after a tough and injury-laden stretch which has left them quite banged up.
Let's take a look at those Torontos who are ailing and in need of some World Cup medicine. Here are both the officially listed... and those who are just maybe carrying a rumoured mystery ailment.
(As listed by Toronto FC)
- Julian de Guzman: Hamstring
- Chad Barrett: Leg (cramping)
- Amadou Sanyang: Dizziness
- Joseph "Nane Joseph" Nane: Separated shoulder
- Emmanuel Gomez: Undisclosed knee (long-term)
(As told by The Yorkies' street pharmacist "Steve")
- Dwayne De Rosario: Strutter's knee/ Strained corn row
- Jacob Peterson: The plainest common cold possible (minor)
- Stefan Frei: Swiss knees
- Sam Cronin: Loneliness
- Adrian Cann: Grover voice
- Martin Saric: Argentine-Croat schizophrenia
- Jon Conway: Gigantism
- Maksim Usanov: Drago fist
- Nick Garcia: Lowered expectations
- Raivis Hščanovičs: Vowel deficiency

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Kansas City... or Am I Seeing Blue or Teal On The Pitch?

Yeah, it was a sh*t pun...

Who remembers the MISL? This guy..

After all of the f'ing rain we've been delivered and promised, we break with tradition and are blessed with a sunny day with moderate cloud cover. I was starting to think I was travelling to Glasgow on match day...

In our next-to-final game before the World Cup break *cough*En-ger-land*cough*, TFC is defying all odds, well mostly ours, and playing some productive, aggressive and, dare I say it, victorious football lately. I know, I'm startled just re-reading that. All predictions came flying in with pro-TFC results, including my own 2-0. Yes, I know predictions are pointless since I never get them right. Except that one time I called for a hat trick from Chad and he bagged a brace... strange.

Wonder how Garcia will screw up this game. Own goal perhaps?


8' - Vanilla Peterson gets a through ball from DeRo and fires a shot that was stopped by KC's Nielson's face. You're welcome.

16' - Barrett gets a low cross in that ricochets around and goes out for a corner.

Seriously, 16 minutes and THIS is all I've got to report. It's gonna be one of those games...

27' - RED - Nick Garcia for a clumsy tackle barrelling into Kei "Whups" Kamara. Bookable? Yes. Send-off-able? No. It was a overblown call, but the ref maybe doing us a favour. He must know we hate him too.

I think the main point was that this moment sparked discussion:

Are we better off having Garcia on the pitch as an 11th man or having 10 without him?

That's some serious philosophical pondering in there...

32' - Ryan Smith fires a ball from 20 yds out forcing Frei to make a leaping-tip over the bar type of save. There's probably a better way of writing that out, but I don't care.

38' - The Chad breaks free and stumbles over the ball, but manages to maintain control slotting a pass through the box to DeRo who gets hauled down and NO CALL but the pass had enough momentum for deGoo to fire a shot at Nielson forcing a great stop from 15 yds out.

43' - Kansas City press, (finally) threatening as a looping ball comes into the 6 yd box for "Whups" Kamara to head it wide.

44' - Barrett takes a glancing boot to the face from a high ball and NO CALL for a dangerous challenge. Maybe MLS finally issued a memo to the refs to resume calling sh*t against TFC for the season. They did last year when it looked like we were going to make the post season sitting mid-table.

2 minutes of extra time

45' - YELLOW - DeRo goes into the books for getting held onto by Harrington and as another KC player flies past him to get the loose ball, goes to ground after brushing DeRo. Yeah, stellar call.

HALF-TIME MOOD: If there's a middle point between boring and stupid, this is it.

SUB - Sanyang off for Harden, Vanilla Peterson off for our favourite apple Gala

51' - DeRo pops the ball over himself and loses his defender, then pokes it to Gala who, does the unthinkable, passes it before losing it by being closed down by the requisite two defenders. It's that notable and boring that this fact makes the cut.

57' - 2 yellows equal 1 red for Rocastle as KC is now down to 10 men as well. Given how well TFC have been playing with 10, KC should be in for some pain.

64' - SUB - The Chad off for O'Brien White. The Chad looks to have been limping a little but he played well.

Potential Quote of the Match

"Who names a kid after a colour?"
"Or a duck?"
"God, I HOPE it's the colour..."

~ Julie and I on Teal Bunbury

65' - deGoo has a go from 25 yds out to be parried by Nielson. You have a sense that he's going to score an absolute rocket one game and maybe they'll finally have a song for our DP

68' - OBW springs the annoying KC trap and passes on two good shooting opportunities to take up a third nearly flush with the face of goal. Keep your head up

70' - deGoo looks to be favouring his hamstring and we're all out of substitutes.

85' - First sign of offensive threat in over a quarter hour and the result? DeRo well offside.

Dammit it IS one of those games. Even the Vancouver one from Wednesday was more interesting, rain and humidity and all.

88' - Ty Harden floats a ball over the top that OBW can't quite get to, but the clear ends up in the path of deGoo and he destroys the ball towards Ontario Place (which for you out-of-towners is an amusement part about a kilometer south of the stadium)

Quote of the Match :
It's like I'm trying to watch the game through a Kidstreet Rebus
~ Josh on the U-Sector flags waving way too early

Brilliant. Sorry Julie, but it is.

89' - deGoo is still limping. Hopefully it's a strain

2 minutes of extra time.

Toronto 0, Kansas City 0

Man of the Match : Wow. In an unremarkable game all across the board, it's hard to pick a standout. If I had to pick one, deGoo stood out for me the most but this choice is done under duress. Also, Attakora would've been our MotM except he rarely saw the ball, but when he did, he did excellent.

Goat of the Game : Garcia. Any guesses why?

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5. Those 50/50 calls all went against TFC all game. Sure the ref "made it up to us" by the two yellows, but the real head-scratching calls and over-bookings were appalling. Good thing TFC didn't lose. Too bad the 100% record is lost.

Kansas City's shallow offside trap was excellent, and that kept TFC aggression at bay. I question OBW's substitution given how far up the pitch KC was playing the trap and how, shall we say, "un-fast" White is. Preki is doing wonderful things with this team. I'll write my apologies at season's end (even if I still don't understand why Gerba was let go).

This was a stale-mate and a boring one. You know those graphs that they put up in FIFA percentage of where the game was played on the pitch? It would read 5%-92%-3% from KC to Toronto. It would be like watching Royce Gracie have a jiu-jitsu match against himself : lots of rolling around, no one really doing anything.

And nobody wants that. Not even Royce Gracie.

Friday, June 4, 2010

THE MATCHUP: TFC want bucket of goals against KFC

KFC! (clap-clap-clap) KFC!

BMO Field - Saturday, 4PM ET
What better way to top of a fresh NutCan than getting a bucket of goals off of Kansas' Football Club... or KFC if you must. The timing may actually be perfect for the red hot Reds (the football team - not Schneider’s Red Hots hot dogs) to grab yet another "Fortress BMO' win. After resting most of their starters mid-week in the NutCan, the fresh TFC will face Eastern Division (for what that matters) rival and first ever BMO Field guests Kansas in the last clash before the MLS World Cup break.
KFC have been having a hard time of it as of late. "The Colonel’s" find themselves without a win for quite some time and having just as much trouble finding the net. The absence of suspended captain Davy Arnaud and World Cupped Roger Espinoza add to their woes. They meet TFC at a time when the "Butty Boys" have been at their defensive best and have been shutting down better teams - especially at home. KFC will have to have all 11 herbs and spices... er... players at their best and try to batter Toronto's defence with their boneless wingers... I mean wing play. I need a moist towelette.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Johnston/ Preki/ Garcia Testimonial Match"
EXTRA CRISPY: Kei Kamara FW, Jimmy Conrad D, Teal Bunbury FW
ROLLIN' WITH RED-HOTS: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Chad Barrett FW, Adrian Cann D
- Chances that Kei Kamara will repeat this stellar move...

- Team not actually named after "The Wizard of Oz" but after former owner, the late Lamar Hunt's, favourite night-time lullaby: 1970's "The Wizard" by Black Sabbath
- Wizards legend Mo Johnston is apparently Director of Football for another North American club. As he never appears in public, the rumour can't be verified
- In an attempt to cash-in on "Harry Potter Mania", Wizards have asked MLS and Adidas if club can wear "athletic wizard-style robes" instead of regular kit in 2011
- Original 1996 "Wiz" logo has accepted offer to be the Grand Marshall at Kansas City's Gay Pride Parade


Thursday, June 3, 2010

CAPPED! - June 3, 2010

In the short, yet illustrious, history of Capped! no one has done the seemingly impossible and retained back-to-back titles. This week it all changed. The one and only "Jeronimo" indeed won last week's contest with his truly bizarre and blasphemous gem.

"The Big J" is now two-time "Wittiest Supporter" and has upped the ante for all you other would be caption engineers. With two wins comes two times the prizes! Two times zero is... well at least you have bragging rights. Can anyonne dethrone "The King of Caption" Jeronimo? This week's contest starts now!

Meet Brazil's new defender: Perverto Carlos

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Vancouver... or The cashews are gone and all we have left is this NutCan

If there's such a thing as a "Calgarian Shiekh Oil Baron" then it's only a matter of time...

Wooooooo! Eat it Guelph! F*ck you Estevan! Cry more Iqaluit! Canadian Champions!
It's currently 6pm EDT, or "sometime between tokes" for you out-westerners, and it's a bonnie sunny Glasgow evening here in Toronto (meaning "drizzlin' piss"). Not that I'm a weather watcher, but I'd like to point out that this is the 5th game where it was scheduled to rain, and likely the 4th where it will actually do so. I hate the rain.

TFC had the audacity to inform the supporters that we have the possibility of "Toronto FC Academy players appearing in a Toronto FC match for the first time!" which translates to me as hooker and vodka party at Usanov's place DeRo's staying home and Vanilla Peterson is in charge of half-time orange slices. The perks keep coming and coming...

Predictions : Vancouver [(minutes played by TFCA players * 0.2)/45 minutes], Toronto [(number of TFC regulars who play any amount of time * 0.65)]

Yeah, it's math. What... don't read this blog with that look on your face?!
3' - Nane Joseph is at the wrong end of a challenge which leaves him kicking his legs on the ground like a 4 yr old being told he can't have a box of smarties while going through the grocery store checkout. Yeah, it was a long-winded metaphor, but it was accurate. It would've been completely comical had he been on the other team or...

4' - SUB - Joseph out, Usanov in. I guess he was hurt badly enough.
Still looked funny. Sorry.

9' - Usanov chases a ball out of bounds, sliding right into the boarding. Somehow, not hurt and ankles still work. Remarkable. Good hustle.
Tonight, your Yorkies present the newest game sensation that's sweeping the red nation

"Who the F*ck is That?"

Our first contestant is wearing #30 and is in goal, please give a warm round of applause to TFC signee, and Serbian White Eagles loanee, Milos Kocic!

Wearing #26, TFC Academy player Doniel Henry is playing centre back-ish.

At #35, your "The Chad" understudy, centre forward Allando Matheson.

We'll be back with more as the game progresses.
19' - Haber gets loose from TFC defenders and has a go just over the bar. This guy is quality.

22' - Vancouver free kick swings beautifully wide with Tsiskaridze just getting his foot to is and shanking it over the bar. I know it was a miss, but Vancouver tends to play a style of football where you catch yourself holding your breath ever so slightly on the chance that their crazy-ass attempt works. And you know it does.

27' - Ibrahim traps a ball on his chest, turns, and then skies the ball. Oh Ibby...

32' - RED - Marcus Haber does TFC a favour by going late studs up tackle. He doesn't look like he's protesting too much either.

Quote of the Match
Vancouver looks to be reverting to Italian formation...
~ Alex on Vancouver's apparent 7-1-1 styling

35' - Ibrahim gets absolutely hammered in a tackle resulting in a Vancouver booking. Probably a physical warning for Ibby's rehashing of a 10 yr old on a slip-n-slide for the last 10 minutes. Sorry Ibby, but I'd have tackled you too for what you were pulling.

38' - YELLOW - Henry for, um, something... probably deserved it.

39' - Gala fights off two defenders... and gives up a free kick? Couldn't see anything on the replay that would've made him innocent. Meh.

42' - Henry hip-checks Tsiskaridze sending him spinning right round (like a record, baby, right round...)

44' - Tsiskaridze jukes and cuts a cute pass to Davies who pops a shot 16 yds out prompting Kocic to make a very good leaping palm save.

3 minutes of added time

45' - Ensuing free kick was f'ing embarrassing. If I got the name, I'd out him for being total crap.

45+2' - Ibrahim breaks in and has a weak shot 20 yds out. Easy save for Nolly, but WTF was Matheson playing 5 yds offside while the shot was taken? I didn't get it.

HALF-TIME MOOD : soaked, unimpressed and in dire need of a roof on the south stand.

45' - SUB - de Guzman out,...
Welcome back to
Who the F*ck is That?

Making his way into the game, a TFC Academy forward, #29 Nicholas Lindsay
52' - Hščanovičs doesn't push up while Gala is getting pressure in the left corner, but somehow profited when the coughed up ball ended up at his feet. Ensuing cross went errant.

53' - Lindsay gets free and at 5 yrds out curls the ball around the post. I'd like to say something poignant like "welcome to the big leagues, kid" but that's stupid and clichéd... so how about "What in the fu... oh, Academy player? Nevermind. Good try!"

66' - SUB - Matheson out, DeRo in. I guess Preki doesn't want this to be a glorified scrimmage after all. For excitement's sake, he should've come on at half-time too.

78' - Gala first cross fails. Gets a second opportunity and the ball is hauled in by Nolly. I'm glad he's trying to pass it.

83' - Hščanovičs gets his first touch in what's felt like half an hour and crosses it into the box. Seriously, what did he do? If being Latvian is wrong then I don't want to be right!

85' - Hščanovičs nails Davies in a solid tackle which sends him to the ground. Knight gets on his high horse (get it!... cuz he's... yeah, sh*t pun, I know) to stick up for him.

2 minutes of extra time.

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Vancouver 0

I could do the equation prediction and figure out what the score should've been, but what would that prove? Honestly?

Man of the Match : While there wasn't much to sing about (no really), Usanov was all over the pitch, running up the right wing and doing his best to create chances and chase down balls.

Goat of the Game : Staying away from the academy players, who really weren't bad, the only one I can call out was Gala. My favourite apple has a fear of both passing forward and getting rid of the ball any time earlier than "too f'ing late". Sure he was getting closed down, but holding onto a ball 5 seconds longer than necessary would cause that. Ibby almost got this award but Gala frustrated me AS SOON AS he touched the ball.

Ref Rating : 5 out of 5. Let them play, given the state of the grass and subsequent sliding. If they're not a ref crew in MLS, then someone should take a look at'em.

OK, two prominent themes came to play tonight.

1) Hščanovičs : How is it he was the lone player in his third of the field for long periods of the game? Which third, you ask? The LEFT third. If I was a player, which I am not, the only reasonable explanation why he was getting no service that I can conjure is that Hščanovičs has a fear of running up into an offensively aggressive position for death fear of getting caught out of place. They could've used such chance-taking when Vancouver were grouping up in the middle.

2) The lop-sided imbalance that was TFC possession v. lack of quality attacking opportunities. Nevermind the red card, Toronto who controlled the ball at least 60% of the game could not get the ball anywhere near the 18 yd box. Nolly was tested sparingly. I'm willing to score this one 'too many kids' but it was alarming how anemic TFC was in the final third of the pitch. If you're wondering why there wasn't much writing in the second half (then thanks for wondering at all!) was because this was exactly how the play went for about 30 minutes of the half. Pass, pass, pass, lose ball. Pass, pass, cross, shot fired wide. I don't want to chronicle that crap.

Now that the NutCan nonsense is out of the way, bring on Amado Guevara and C.D. Motagua. I'm sure the "T.O. Reject *clap* *clap* *clap*clap*clap*" will put the boots to us, but who knows... this whole Preki thing is starting to work out and much of us here are not quite eating crow, but we're looking at it wondering how much HP sauce we will need to choke it down later.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

THE MATCHUP: TFC Academy 4: NutCans On Patrol

Now that's an Academy

BMO Field - Wednesday 8PM ET
The highlight of this match will be before kickoff when TFC lifts The Voyageurs Cup and celebrates its second NutCan in a row. After the whistle... maybe bring a PSP and play some FIFA. The cupless wonders from British Columbia may very well try and salvage a little face from a terrible tournament for them but Toronto has made it clear - this match doesn't matter.
The Reds made their intentions clear by calling up seven youngsters from TFC Academy who can potentially play in this "match" and when academies get involved - hijinks ensue! There will no doubt be a funny and suave ladies man, a guy who can make noises with his mouth, a really tall dude with a heart of gold and a gun-toting maniac in camouflage. There may be some comic trouble in the middle of the match but in the end they all become good friends and graduate. Then a hooker is placed in the podium before Preki's post-match press conference. Something like that.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Worst. Unofficial. Friendly. Ever. Derby."
CUPLESS & CRANKY: Doudou Toure FW, Justin Moose MF, Ricardo Sanchez MF
CUPFUL & COCKY: Fuad Ibrahim FW, Gabe Gala MF, Random Academy Player # 2,
- The Queen showing up in BMO Field's Royal Box for trophy presentation: 500-1
- Sportsnet's viewer ratings higher than re-run of Westminster Dog Show: 90-1
- MLSE selling "2010 Canadian Champion" t-shirts for $49.99: Evens
- Whitecaps stealing the trophy, taking it to Centre Island's yacht club only to have it rescued by squad of wacky rookie cops on jet skis: 3-1
- There is still no definite scientific proof that Whitecaps' defender Justin Moose isn't fractionally part actual moose
- The Voyageurs Cup trophy comes filled to the brim with "Dale Mitchell's Homemade 7-Layer Dip" and a small bag of CSA-brand generic corn chips
- Angry fans are planning to greet the Whitecaps at Vancouver airport by throwing stale tofu and bong water at them in disgrace
- The NutCan Winner's Medal isn't just handsome but is also good for a free coleslaw at participating Swiss Chalet restaurants
MAHONEY SAYS: 2-1 Toronto
LT. HARRIS SAYS: 0-1 Vancouver

"2-1." "No, 0-1." (Horse noise)