THE STARTING 11: Ways the World Cup will change TFC

Paul predicts Mo is getting a contract extension. Stupid octopus.

Well, the World Cup is over. The Spanish team is celebrating their victory today, driving through Madrid throwing paella at their fans while bulls rampage through the crowd. Or so I'm led to believe. Meanwhile, millions of sad Dutch supporters were forced to throw away their "celebration marijuana" and buy "sadness marijuana" instead. It's hard to pour mayonnaise on French Fries with tears in your eyes you know! The post-Cup vibrations were felt here in Toronto too but what will the lasting effects of the South African tournament be on our local club?
　
11. Stadium to be renamed "Royal BMOFeng"
　
10. Visiting MLS teams forced to drive bus through "African Lion Safari"
　
9. When TFC gets eliminated from MLS Playoffs, College Street suddenly becomes home to hundreds of "long-time" Columbus Crew fans... then New York Red Bulls... then Los Angeles Galaxy
　
8. BMO Field French Fries to go on strike after one match
　
7. Mo taking a good look at "solid" North Korean defenders
　
6. Canadian Internationals still confused about "what this World Cup is they keep hearing about?"
　
5. All Italians in attendance forced to leave match much earlier than expected
　
4. GO Trains must now blow Vuvuzela horn as they enter Exhibition Station
　
3. Members of the Dutch Royal family to kick balls at stacked pizza boxes at halftime
　
2. "Bitchy" the hawk to be replace with "Paul" the psychic octopus
　
1. Monkey Butty

BMO Field? Turn left at the chimps.

THE STARTING 11: Strange World Cup injuries

Yikes! Let's hope it's not # 7!

There are few worse ways for a player's World Cup journey to end than in injury. Being carted off the field to polite applause knowing you won't return must be devastating. This year's tournament hasn't seen any major breakdowns but it has definitely caused an array of strange ailments. They aren't unique to players on the pitch either - they can spring up amongst the spectators in the stadium, fans watching on TV and even lazy millionaire players who failed miserably and have an Italian coach who are now flyingbacktoLondonrightnowinfirstclasstotheirsupermodelgirlfriendsandgiantmansions - lazy $#!!cking useless &#$!s - NOW I"M SCREAMING!!!...... sorry. Ahem. Yes, unique World Cup injuries....
　
11. Malaise Au Francaise
　
10. Aching Bakofeng
　
9. Hairy Kewells
　
8. Cancerous Anelka
　
7. Scrote D'Ivoir
　
6. Messi Kaka / Messi Dunga
　
5. Vuvu-Mouth
　
4. Green Thumbs
　
3. Tshabalalacerations
　
2. Ghana Rhea
　
1. Busted Lippi

South Canada's Cup dream ends valiantly

It's a bittersweet day for Yorkies everywhere. Our adopted "World Cup Minnow", the All Whites of New Zealand, were heroically eliminated from the competition earlier today. The Kiwis performed far above any pundit's expectation with a hat-trick of draws against Slovakia, Italy and Paraguay. The big three points they gained from those draws was enough to seal third place in Group F, finishing above abysmal reigning World Champions Italy and only just missing the knockout stages.
　
Of course the All Whites were helped massively from the now famous "Yorkies’ Bump" - the amazing boost teams get from our pre-tournament adoption. Opposite of the Sports Illustrated cover curse, teams will no doubt be lining up for our prestigious endorsement in the future. With Euro 2012 on the horizon we expect a call from Kazakhstan soon.
　
It's been a great showing for Canada too. See, New Zealand is really Bizarro Canada. On the other side of the world, generally nice people with a small population, a Commonwealth cousin, a loud and annoying neighbour who kind of speaks the same language and one plucky football club in that other country's league. So, in effect Canada almost made it to the knockout stages of the World Cup! Who needs the CSA?
　
It's been quite a ride for our plucky little friends but now it's time to set them free. Like a sheep that’s off to University of Wellington with the hope of becoming New Zealand's Prime Minister, we must let go. Well done boys... and you're welcome.
　
The All Whites are dead.
The Paraguayan passes,
Eliminated their asses.

THE STARTING 11: North Korean World Cup bonuses

------------- It rewinds and... wait for it... fast forwards!

One of the quirkiest oddities of World Cups is the added bonuses that players are promised if successful. Yes there is prize money for the winners but it was always fun when the Royal Family of a Middle Eastern nation would promise any player who scored a goal a new Rolls-Royce or gold plated pyjamas. No official word but MLSE apparently owes Chad Barrett five Chip Buttys. The biggest bonus surprises at this year's World Cup would have to be from the ultra-secretive North Korea (or DPR Korea to its friends). Just what luxuries could be in store for the plucky communists?
　
11. Ten minute head start at next attempted defection
　
10. Free "Axis of Evil - 2010" t-shirts
　
9. Get to become pitchmen for popular North Korean sports drink "Democratic Peoples' Thirst Elimination Liquid"
　
8. Players and their families get two-night stay at "Sandals Pyongyang Resort Camp"
　
7. Kim Jong Il-style khaki jumpsuits for the whole team
　
6. Two month supply of spicy pickled cabbage upon return
　
5. Cameo appearance on North Korea's #1 sitcom "Everybody Loves Kim... Or Else"
　
4. Get face on stamp instead of stamped on face
　
3. Brand new Sanyo BetaMax VCR for every goal-scorer
　
2. Get to fire opening missile at World War III
　

1. Shoes!!!

Sweet jumpsuit

Boom! All Whites "So Hot" from Yorkies' bump

Little Toronto (aka Auckland, New Zealand)

We try to be modest here but we think we have a decent little site here that caters to footy fans of the Toronto FC ilk/ head wound victims. We had no idea however what tremendous power we wielded. Two days before the World Cup began, we officially adopted New Zealand (starring ex-TFC'er Andrew Boyens) as our "Yorkies World Cup Minnow". Previous to that day, few gave the All Whites (still not racist) any hope... now look at them. You're welcome New Zealand.

After surprising some in their opening match draw against Slovakia, the boys from "The Canada of the Southern Hemisphere" have today achieved their most historic result. A 1-1 draw with reigning World Champions Italy has shocked the football world today with the All Whites claiming arguably the biggest upset of he tournament so far. One more match to go for our adopted Kiwis and anything is still possible. They got boom, we got boom, let's go All Whites and boom the boom!

16 points from 16 matches

The Swiss totally "Roned" Spain

(Do you see the bear in the mountain? Just blew your mind)

With Toronto FC on a three week break, and doing little apart from trading hard-working assets for allocation money which will turn into Eastern European cast-offs, we're at a loss of what to do. Oh well, I guess we can keep watching this big soccer tournament everyone's talking about. What is it? The Global Soccer Championship or something? Africa right? Well each "soccering franchise" has played one game and here's what we've noticed so far...
　
- "Vuvuzela" is a Zulu word which translates to "wasp shoved in ear canal"
- France has more team infighting and backstabbing than a whole season of "Survivor"
- Greece may never win another trophy again
- Cristiano Ronaldo may have wet himself a little when surrounded by five angry Cote D'Ivoirians after one of his infamous dives
- The Slovaks are wondering if the Czechs want to "get the band back together" before their next match
- The USA are still celebrating their 1-1 win over England
- Serbia is regretting hiring Ultimate Fighters as their defensive coaches
- Australian newspapers had to fight the temptation to use the word "Blitzkrieg" after the Aussie's 4-0 loss to Germany
- Diego Maradona's beard actually makes him look less like a fat 59-year old housewife
- Brazil's navy on high-alert as North Korea claims their sovereignty was threatened by the 2-1 loss to the South Americans
- Denmark has officially protested to FIFA over Netherlands’ unfair tactic of "not sharing the ball more"
- The last line of 1980's sitcom "Family Ties" theme song and name of South Africa's goal-scoring hero are the same word: "Tshabalala"
- New Zealand indeed "Like to Rock the Party"
- England keeper Robert Green has made inquiries into emigrating to Canada
- Spanish officials have banned Gouda, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese and Toblerone from the team's hotel
- There is no way to disguise CBC's online stream of matches as an Excel spreadsheet when watching games on office computer

"Tshabalala!"

Of Kiwis and Cronins

Downtown Wellington was packed after today's 1-1 draw

It's a busy time for a Yorkie these days. Watching the 7:30AM match while brushing teeth etc. Getting to work just in time to catch the last 15 minutes and inevitably missing the match's only goal. Looking busy in front of the boss while having a wrestle with CBC's live online feed. Shuffling papers in mock business busy-ness. All the while, keeping an eye on those restless "Butty Boys" down at BMO Field. It's the best time of the quarter decade though.
　
Today's big news from Sith Ifrici is that The Yorkies very own adopted minnow New Zealand felt The Yorkies bump and got a historic draw! The single point against Slovakia was the All Whites (still not racist) first ever World Cup point. Winston Reid obviously "Likes to Rock the Party" as he headed home the equalizer very late in the match after some sustained (Inner.. Inner City) pressure. The Kiwis can rub their feathers in Australia's zero points face for today at least! We're proud of you our non-racially nicknamed adopted pals!

　
Meanwhile at the Mo-Cave...
The heavy rumours have been swirling around Toronto for a few days that TFC's 2009 1st round draft pick and all-round hard worker Sam Cronin is on the way out of BMO Field and it looks today like the deal is nearly done. Word is that TFC is only getting allocation money and/ or draft picks in return for the industrious midfielder with San Jose being the most likely dance partner. Optimists will say "they must be freeing up room for a major signing!" Realists will say "pants".
　
While it may look like a case of moving a surplus player for futures, it seems curious. Johnston liked Cronin enough to draft him higher than other, more promising players, so why relegate him to the bench then dispatch him for little? Nothing is for certain in the magical world of Mo and Preki but consider this nugget: after last year's 5-0 drubbing against New York, a huge dressing room rift emerged. The players who spoke out against the "management mess" were apparently Ali Gerba, Amado Guevara, Carl Robinson, Adrian Serioux, Dwayne De Rosario and Sam Cronin. Now De Ro is an untouchable but could this move really be the final sweep of the broom against the protesters? In G-20 spirit... we think Cronin just got gassed.

Cronin. Cronout.

THE STARTING 11: Reasons to bring Vuvuzelas to Toronto

A rare South African double-horned Bafana sighting

After the first few days of the World Cup there is only one word that the global audience has learned - vuvuzela. The much-maligned (except in Sith Ifrici) noise-maker is the dominant element when watching matches on TV and apparently ear-splitting in person. Despite calls to ban the plastic horns it looks as if they are set to stay through the duration of the Cup but we wonder, how could they be useful at BMO Field when TFC returns?
　
11. Just for the fun of hearing Craig Forrest say the word "vuvuzela"
　
10. Not quite as annoying as Year 4 of "The Dichio Song"
　
9. You can fit four chip buttys in the wide end
　
8. The GO Train would sound like a diesel-powered swarm of bees
　
7. Helpful in the new "MO BLOWS" campaign
　
6. "Qu-est ce que Vuve?" "Vuvule Les Rouges zele!"
　
5. Handy for summoning centaurs
　
4. TFC's new nickname: BMOfana! BMOfana!
　
3. Mating call to Argos fans
　
2. Fan giveaway: "Viagra Vuvuzela Day! - "Get the horn with Viagra!"
　
1. Vuvu-Beer Bongs

"Oh Herc, you can blow my horn anytime!"

World Cup Minnow Idol

In a couple of days the eyes of the world will be on South Africa (pronounced Sith Ifrici if you're new) and the month-long foot and ball orgy that is the World Cup. You may have gleaned from this site that us Yorkies, and indeed our readers, are fairly avid (see mentally unstable) footballing aficionados. With our beloved TFC on break, we, like the rest of the world (minus North American hosers and/or rednecks) will be glued to the TV for 64 glorious matches. The only problem is... who to support?
　
Much like in our hometown of Toronto, there is no shortage of nationalistic favourites amongst Yorkies membership. Yes, we lean heavily to the England way of things but not in consensus. Sadly Canada is not an option ("The CSA: Watching on TV since 1986") so we have chosen to adopt a team. Now a big-wig like Brazil, Spain or Germany is no fun, so here now we present the final of "The Yorkies World Cup Minnow Idol"! The winner, no matter how “Canada '86” they play, is this site's official squad for the 2010 World Cup. Let's meet the finalists as they plead their cases...

CONTESTANT # 1: HONDURAS
- Their nickname is "Los Catrachos" which loosely translates to "The Hondurans". Not creative but definitely succinct.
- The capital city has the kick-ass name "Tegucigalpa"
- All-time most capped player and current captain is Toronto FC alumni Amado Guevara
- The current squad has a set of flyin' Honduran brothers - Wilson and Johnny Palacios
- They are Canada's CONCACAF cousins (pro) / They are Canada's CONCACAF cousins who usually beat Canada (con)

CONTESTANT # 2: NEW ZEALAND
- Majority of the team plays their club football at Wellington Phoenix. As New Zealand's only club in Australia's A-League that makes The Phoenix the Toronto FC of Oceania
- Contrary to internet rumour, the nickname "All Whites" is in no way racist
- New Zealand is a Commonwealth cousin and the country is very much the Canada of the Southern Hemisphere
- New Zealand football fans have to put up with stick from alpha-male Rugby fans much like Canadian footy fans having to defend their sport against boorish puck-heads
- Team NZ features former TFC defender Andrew Boyens who apparently "Likes to rock the party"

CONTESTANT # 3: NORTH KOREA
- In their only previous World Cup appearance they eliminated Italy
- Their nickname is the "Chollima" (a mythological Korean horse) and they wear TFC-esque red kits
- They're so ronery
- North Korea only televises matches that they win - they are in a group with Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast... so… reruns of "Everybody Loves Kim" anyone?
- They may well fire missiles at whatever country they lose to

And the winner is... (Idol-esque pause for dramatic effect)...

NEW ZEALAND!!! Yes, "It's Business Time" and The Yorkies officially back The Kiwis in this year's Cup! So let's take roll call (Murray. Present. Bret. Present. Yorkies. Present.) and say "Up the All Whites!" Again... not racist.

THE STARTING 11: TFC World Cup break plans

Law Offices of Cellino, Barnes & LaBrocca (LaBrocca not pictured)

With Major League Soccer's World Cup break in full swing, many of The Reds are making plans for how to spend their three week mini-break. While they should be nursing injuries, watching past game tapes and staying in shape, many of the Toronto players and staff may actually be making other plans for the next twenty-odd days...
　
11. Preki: Cursing in long Serbian words at the TV
　
10: Julian de Guzman: Inviting underprivileged Scarborough kids to watch the World Cup from the comfort of his hair
　
9. Danny Dichio: Spray-painting his head gold to resemble the World Cup trophy
　
8. Mo Johnston: Loyally cheering for South Korea. Loyally cheering for North Korea one week later.
　
7. Chad Barrett: Wings. Beers. Broads. Boxer shorts. Big screen TV... repeat 64 times
　
6. Jon Conway: Taking vacation to Tokyo - pretending he's Godzilla
　
5. Nick LaBrocca: Moving to Upstate New York - becoming a personal injury lawyer
　
4. Joseph Nane: Finding evil twin "Nane Joseph" and destroying him
　
3. Maxim Usanov: Punching stuff
　
2. Stefan Frei: Supporting Switzerland by doing drive-by cheesings and late-night prank yodelling
　
1. Raivis Hščanovičs: legally Canadianizing his name to "Randy Hancock"

TFC's World Cup of wellness

"It's only a flesh wound."

When the final whistle blew at the end of Saturday's tepid match against KFC, the Toronto players could at least console themselves with an upcoming three week mini-break. For the first time in league history, MLS will shut down operations during the opening rounds of the World Cup. The break will give many of The Reds a chance to recuperate after a tough and injury-laden stretch which has left them quite banged up.
　
Let's take a look at those Torontos who are ailing and in need of some World Cup medicine. Here are both the officially listed... and those who are just maybe carrying a rumoured mystery ailment.
　
THE INJURED LIST
(As listed by Toronto FC)
- Julian de Guzman: Hamstring
- Chad Barrett: Leg (cramping)
- Amadou Sanyang: Dizziness
- Joseph "Nane Joseph" Nane: Separated shoulder
- Emmanuel Gomez: Undisclosed knee (long-term)
　
THE POSSIBLY INJURED LIST
(As told by The Yorkies' street pharmacist "Steve")
- Dwayne De Rosario: Strutter's knee/ Strained corn row
- Jacob Peterson: The plainest common cold possible (minor)
- Stefan Frei: Swiss knees
- Sam Cronin: Loneliness
- Adrian Cann: Grover voice
- Martin Saric: Argentine-Croat schizophrenia
- Jon Conway: Gigantism
- Maksim Usanov: Drago fist
- Nick Garcia: Lowered expectations
- Raivis Hščanovičs: Vowel deficiency