The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Shining Light Academy of the TFC Arts 2013 Final Report Cards

The final bell has gone, lockers are cleared out and Inukshuks are being found in unfortunate places at the high school by the lake. Principle Leiweke has promised that grade averages will skyrocket next year when a few wealthy exchange students arrive and Vice-Principle Bezbatchenko is getting a wedgie from some jocks. All that is left is for Professor Nelsen to hand out the red threads of graduation and final grades to his motley Class of 2013.


Grade: B
Class nickname: "Super Pickle"
2013 Highlight: Stealing that Swiss kid's desk at the back
Voted Most Likely To: Dill with it.

Grade: A -
Class nickname: "Stevie C"
2013 Highlight: Staying here on the cheap
Voted Most Likely To: Leave for Scunthorpe

Grade: B +
Class nickname: "Mr. Laba Man"
2013 Highlight: Making his classmates look like talentless hacks
Voted Most Likely To: Watch his passes get squandered

Grade: B
Class nickname: "Deer Osorio"
2013 Highlight: Showing up out of nowhere
Voted Most Likely To: Be traded to San Jose for a Supplemental Pick


Grade: C
Class nickname: "Convoy!"
2013 Highlight: Causing people to make truck horn noises
Voted Most Likely To: Ask himself how he ended up here

Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Carnage"
2013 Highlight: Playing forward like the Kool-Aid guy
Voted Most Likely To: Injure defenders

Grade: C
Class nickname: "Mr. March"
2013 Highlight: Springtime
Voted Most Likely To: Hibernate during summer

Grade: C +
Class nickname: "D'oh Henry"
2013 Highlight: Not getting a red card
Voted Most Likely To: Get a red card

Grade: C
Class nickname: #OccasionallyDisagreeableLeftBack
2013 Highlight: Getting his job back
Voted Most Likely To: Giggle at Jonas Elmer

Grade: B -
Class nickname: "Rey Rovaro"
2013 Highlight: Bagging mucho dinero
Voted Most Likely To: Be called "too expensive"

Grade: C
Class nickname: "Tha Roy G." / "The Cockney Crusher"
2013 Highlight: Putting his elbows through opposition
Voted Most Likely To: Be the last thing seen before a concussion

Monday, October 28, 2013

"That's what he said..." Reds offer a few final words on 2013 and beyond

"The end is nigh! Which is Kiwi for 'now'."
Like an Irish wake - but without the good times and whiskey - TFC held their annual "We Don't Need No Stinkin' Playoffs" press conference today. The jolly event is a yearly tradition where the few players who know they are coming back next season wax lyrical about how f*cking awesome TFC is while those who are being shot into the vacuum of space burn as many bridges as the mic can handle.

As with many controlled professional sports pressers, it is often as much about what is NOT said as what is actually mumbled to the ink-stained/digital-stained assembled wretches. Luckily for you, The Yorkies always keep a phalanx of psychoanalysts, mystics, shamen and Sasquatch on staff so that we can bring you what other outlets can't. So enjoy what was "actually said" (in boring layperson font) by TFC players and staff, as well as "what we heard" (in magical italics) through the power of a Ouija board bought from a toy store, a bucket of chicken bones (last night's KFC) and an Enigma record playing on loop. Set voodoo to stun...
- "Fans have been fantastic... could be one of the best clubs to play for in MLS"
- "Summer football and SPF 90 just isn't easy"
- "It's clear I won't be here next season"
- "Why does FIFA ignore New Zealanders' systemic hatred for the English?"

- "I'm pretty sure I'll make more money next year"
- "Super Pickle is puttin' it on cruise control in 2014. Dill with it."
- "If I'm here, I'm here. If I'm not, I'm not"
- "I'm a pretty, pretty man"

- "We have good young players but we've had way too much turnover here"
- "The turnover is a really underrated pastry"
- (On Ryan Nelsen) "He inherited players he wouldn't have signed"
- "How is Reggie Lambe a thing?"
- "If I'm not back that will be a surprise to me"

- "At the start of the season I was just a boy looking for playing time. Now I want to be among the best midfielders in MLS"
- "I wonder what TFC will get for me when they trade me to San Jose in January?"
- "I expect to be 100% fit for next season..."
- "I will return to Argentina next week, grow a handlebar moustache, change my name and never return to this place. Adios"

- "I hope to be back next season"
- "I am going to be the opening day starter next season"
- "Must think of something good to say..."
- "TFC facilities are among the best in the world"
- "Have to try to sound hopeful..."
- "I see the light at the end of the tunnel here"
- "MLS is quicker, more technical than I thought it would be"
- "I was napping between April and October"
- "I want to be part of a team where my services are needed and wanted"
- "I want to join any team that bites this one in the ass"
- "Love the city and the club. Always a special place for me"
- "Too bad the Canadian government has a lenient New Zealander immigration policy"
- "I didn't ask for a trade"
- "Shove a Toblerone where the sun don't shine Nelsen"
- "2013 was a disaster for me"
- "I'm sure I smell waffles..."
- "I almost had a mental breakdown..."
- "McDonalds only sells Hot Cakes & Sausage until 10:30AM!"
- "I'm giving my career one last shot"
- "Never tell them that my 'calf injury' was from trying to eat an actual calf"
- "Poor communication from the coaching staff..."
- "There's the waffles!"
- "I love everything about the club. I'm proud to be captain."
- "I fully expect to be playing for Scunthorpe in a year"
- "We need 3-5 new guys"
- "We need 35 new guys"
- "I'll hold my hand up and try and talk to players. My door is open."
- "... after band meeting"
- "No major changes, just adding players who will make us stronger"
- "QPR reserves, USL-Pro and Swiss 3rd Division you are on notice"
- "No loan deals next year"
- "Why buy the cow when Justin Braun is free?"
- "btw Convey is going to be surprised"
- "I know what's right and I only have the team's interests in mind"
- "I'm very good at my job"
- "It is difficult to attract DP's, but not impossible"
- "Mista is available"
- "I want to decide on who is staying and who is going in two weeks’ time"
- "You'll be hearing from me on February 20th"
- "Nelsen is the right guy..."
- "... until June."

THE STARTING 11: Halloween tricks and treats at Toronto FC

Irish DP target Jack O' Lantern

"Toronto FC! Spooky scary! Reds missing playoffs, Reds becoming wolves!" Or something like that.

Late October marks two annual traditions that go back to the earliest days of modern-era North America: Halloween and Toronto FC being eliminated from MLS play. The carving of pumpkins and expensive fullbacks packing their suitcases for good goes hand-in-hand on the streets of Toronto. However, The Reds' goal scoring ability isn't the only horror show in town. Down in the creepy, foggy alleyways of Exhibition Place, Toronto FC always have a few extra tricks and treats for All Hallows' Eve...

11. Tim Leiweke hands out root vegetables to kids who knock at his door - apologizes and tells them to check back in January for delicious candy

10. Danny Koevermans, Collin Samuel and Ali Gerba face-off in tense, growling showdown at BMO Field over the last mini Coffee Crisp

9. The redheaded kid isn't allowed to go out trick-or-treating

8. Ryan Nelsen's house is completely covered by tell-tale Swiss brand of toilet paper

7. Justin Braun wears Jermaine Defoe costume and begs for contract extension

6. Bright Dike travels up to TFC Academy and beats up the U-17 team for their candy

5. Tim Bezbatchenko gets angry as everyone keeps telling him they "love his hilarious nerd outfit"

4. Reggie Lambe dresses up as a goat - doesn't get the irony

3. UNICEF boxes stuffed with allocation money

2. Warnings of razorblades in chip buttys

1. The club's future is just as frightening as every other day

"Boys becoming men... Richard Eckersley to Wolves"

Sunday, October 27, 2013

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Montreal... or I'll Do My Crying In The Rain

Due to his game show winnings on Wednesday night, @ignirtoq decided to outsource his match report duties to China as his ego has clearly got to him.  Seriously, it was $8800 before you get taxed?!?! ~ ed.

In English via Chinese and back to English via computerz:

Wow, the weather is so depressing. Wind, rain and cold. This may be the only appropriate way to end the season at Toronto FC. I'm sure people think that this schedule will be very wonderful drama. Two regional rivals faced a death playoff at the position this season. However, it went exactly as it should have: Toronto mediocre, almost no threat, Montreal punching well above their weight did not pull pork muscle structure with the specified player (designated player.  Wait is this a Koevermans joke? ~ Ed.).

If Houston and Philadelphia won their games, Montreal lost against the Raptors, then the impact will be just sitting through the worst case, they will end the season. Any other result will see them later in the season as the sole representative of Canada.

Toronto through the motions. Figuring out whether they should sell their apartments and plans to find a NASL / USL-PRO / Danish second division club next season. Consider abandoning this coaching career, only to play New Zealand men's national team. Unfortunately, starting a sadness blog is entirely in Spanish. So many career decisions.

In the game!

6 ' - you know, it is damn cold and it has been raining on and off , but it takes too windy ? ? What Fagundez is ... (Fagundez is a new cuss word on the terrace.  Not because he's good, but because it sounds like it ~ Ed.)

15 ' - TARGET -  Osorio needs first shot , but Earnshaw put his foot in it to redirect the ball past the keeper

33 ' - Somehow Earnshaw and dikes behind the defense , but one after the other . Earnshaw tried chip goalkeeper 15 yards , but can not beat the keeper . They should have done better.

34 ' - Osorio trying to make a great goalkeeper stopped

38 ' - Baker let one fly past the keeper , but the nail cross bar . Unfortunate.

Half time: Bon Jovi's banner at the Air Canada Centre, announced brass decided that it would be appropriate to honor the Norwegian big band a-ha on Wall of Honor

Is the sun, I feel it ?

53 ' - Arnold got the ball down the left side , lost his marker, but , Bendik make a huge save .

62 ' - Arnaud broken wings and chips low cross into the net, find Di Vaio 's left arm and deflected . Di Vaio linesman officials complain that he has the right to cheat as much as Theirry Henry is really no goal. No dice .

73'- SMALL - Rey to serve Jeremyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Hall *woof*woof*woof*woof*

81 ' - Corner Perkins punch fails, Caldwell, who beat the keeper at the foot of the land, but not Bernardello sit on the line to clear it.

84'- SMALL - Dicko to change Braun. Also, I feel like I've just been slapped in the mouth, as I should think it is a good idea. (Ooooh, you were angry.  This translation is quality! Apparently "Dike" comes through as "Dicko" ~ Ed.)

Quote of the game

I've seen more hustle in senior's Zumba
~ Tony, Zumba aficionado

87 ' - Mapp ball over the top saw Romero in goal, Super Pickle Joe Bendik stopped cold . Just amazing.

89'- SMALL - Agbossoumonde help run out the clock, Earnshaw


Man of the Match : Joe Bendik tied his cloak around the target area, including several balls are not anywhere near the goal and flew, but we found interesting.

Goat Game : Nobody.

Judge Level : 3 out of 5. Although we are certain chaired terrible in this league caliber certainly Montreal at least a draw, they persevered, and called a balanced game.

Shirts Identification : Saw Everton, but everyone in the cloak. So, by default, Everton wins. No, Darlington Tooker do not count.

I am not a gaffer, but ...: Is anyone in the stadium, on the pitch or follow them warm, dry homes, Braun was seriously do? He had the opportunity, he should never see the first team on the court, unless his request, in order to help bring players Gatorade. Another defender or midfielder, instead.

Team Score : Bendik 7.5, Morgan 6.5, Henry 6.5, Caldwell 7, Bloom 6.5, Convey 6, Bekker 6.5, Osorio 6.5, Rey 6 [Hall N/A], Earnshaw 6.5 [Agbossoumonde N/A], Dike 7 [Braun N/A]

And now, praise to a-ha. No, it is not Take On Me.

@ignirtoq promises that he did outsource this to China and did not enter each entry into Google Translate only to have it retranslate it back into English for comedic effect. Also, SpinOff, Wednesday's at 8pm, only on CHCH!

Friday, October 25, 2013


How's that whole "Shining Light" bit going?

DISCLAIMER: In no single way do we like Montreal Impact or have any wishes for their future good fortune. We also do not "cheer for the Canadian team" when TFC is out of the playoffs - this is club football – get a grip nancy.

Schadenfruede. No, not the last name of Montreal's manager but the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. It is a delicious prospect for Toronto FC supporters, so bereft of anything to cheer for with our own club, that perhaps The Reds may instill some last minute damage upon our rivals and in turn we feel slightly better about our own lot in life. With a victory on Saturday (and some other MLS chips falling on Sunday) TFC could effectively dash Montreal's hopes for a post-season appearance. Tres jolie!

If things do go all flat Pepsi-Cola for Montreal, let's all have a good ribbing at our neighbour's expense. If we can't have nice things why should they? However, we should never mock their attempt at winning. They may fail, but they tried. Perhaps the heavy investment on older stars whose best days are past may not work out in the end. But you know what? They gave it a solid kick at the can.

In 7 years, can we honestly look in the TFC mirror and say that our club ever went "all in"? Nope. The closest we ever got to winning ambition was "hoping to qualify for the playoffs". So yes, we hope TFC wins and Impact end up wallowing with us in the pseudo-relegation zone because they are our bitter rivals. But at least they wanted it. There is no shame in failing; there is great shame in never trying.

So long old friend.

"The 401 Derby"
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Bright Dike, Alvaro Rey
MONTREAL: Davy Arnaud, Marco Di Vaio, Alessandro Nesta
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of optimism: 500-1
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of resignation: 50-1
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of deja vu: EVENS
 Cheers for the hard work Ecks.
The final match of the year is a time to reflect back on a rewarding season and also gives the club a chance to give thanks back to fans. In the past, TFC fans have received toques and er... toques. This year however, word is that TFC may be giving out 2013 Memory Boxes featuring mementos from a great season including:
- A Julio Cesar match-worn nothing
- Photocopies of John Bostock's British Airways return ticket
- A piece of actual Terry Dunfield sock tassel
- Inukshuks!
- Commemorative Allocation Coins
- Some old red thread that was originally meant to bind us all
- A "Get Used To It" bumper sticker
- No refunds

Aren't you late for dinner or something?

Monday, October 21, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Other ways TFC can spoil Montreal Impact's weekend

"Keep those hands up you ginger bastard!"
"Spoiler". Webster's Dictionary describes it as "Toronto FC after April". It's true - we looked up "dictionary" on Wikipedia. Indeed, it seems as if The Reds only purpose for existing after springtime’s faux-optimism has worn off is to trip up good clubs as they try to reward their fans. How novel! We really do need to add "If we can't have nice things then why should you?" in Latin under the TFC badge. The role of spoiler takes on added emphasis this Saturday as our rivals from up Le 401 visit amidst their hunt for the playoffs and our hunt for a long nap. Whilst we can't trust TFC to spoil L'Impact's on-field fortunes, we can still be petulant in other ways

11. Announce to Canadian media that TFC is holding a protracted referendum to decide if they should win or lose this weekend

10. Refer to BMO Field in all future media as "The stadium that ended Alessandro Nesta's career"

9. Re-work this famous Quebecois song for our own entertainment: CLICKEZ ICI (now if there were just some useful lyrics we could come up with...)

8. Get Ryan Nelsen to sport a sexy Samuel de Champlain hair-do

7. Create a giant tifo of Mitsou wearing nothing but a Bendik shirt

6. Announce that the Argos are moving to Stade Saputo

5. Replace the away supporters' regular Pepsi-Cola and Jos.Louis snack cakes with new Folger's Crystals!

4. Hold a Bocce Ball tournament at halftime to distract Impact's elderly Italian players during the 2nd Half

3. Put famous Montreal mascot Youppi's head in Joey Saputo's hotel room bed

2. Sign two of Europe's most expensive strippers to DP contracts

1. Park the bus in both official languages
And… since we are saying "Bye-Bye" (at long last) to this season and we need to be reminded why Quebec hates our freedom, here is the worst thing you will hear today. (Yet still inexplicably alluring)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

AFTER 90: "It's purely Stefual"



KICK OFF - Much like suburban Chicago teens Garry and Wyatt, we sit by our computer generally disillusioned with how things have turned out. Just replace teen angst and raging hormones with TFC angst and raging... well, rage. We tried hooking up our computer cables to a Diego Maradona action figure, an MLS matchday program from 2009 and a David Lee Roth video in an attempt to create a DP out of thin air but all that happened was Joe Bendik got suspended and we get one last shower with Stefan Frei. Does anyone know how to get a nuclear warhead out of a living room?

1' - "So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?"
5' - Robert Earnshaw skies a sitter over the bar. The scoring equivalent to taking a shower in your trousers.
7' - Stefan Frei, apparently some new Swiss goalkeeper, looking very sharp in both saves and distribution. Looks like he has a future. FREIENCE!
12' - Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: But it's not so bad. We can hear the playoffs.
Tim "Garry" Bezbatchenko: [sarcastically] We can hear the playoffs, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the DP's!
25' - Mike Magee: Tell me something. What's a Swiss dude like you doing with malakas like these? Huh?
Stefan Frei: It's purely temporary.
Magee: No shit.
Steven Caldwell: He's into malakas, Mike!
Magee: He's into malakas"! Do you believe that?
28' - Earnshaw goal disallowed - much like any contract renewal should be.
33' - Frei with another solid bit of positioning. FREIENCE!
40' - Reggie Lambe needs to drop and give us 50 at Shermer High. Permanently.
44' - Ryan Nelsen: [on halftime preparations] You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic MLS orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of dozen bad footballers running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.


To the showers...

45' - TFC starts the 2nd Half trying to avoid having slushees poured on their heads from the upper level of Toyota Park
50' - Don Garber: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for winning football, not for halftime stupidity and DP promises. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: We forgot to build an actual team.
Don Garber: You forgot to build an actual team.
58' - Bright Dike the only one who may possibly gate-crash this mutant-filled house party
64' - PENALTY: Jonathan Osorio gets called for a dodgy handball in the box. Mike "Tits" Magee takes the spot-kick and scores - GOAL
65' - Ryan Nelsen: [to referee Edvin Jurisevic] Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!
70' - Alvaro Rey growing on us like a Chet boil after almost beating Fire keeper Sean Johnson
73' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw OFF / Andrew Wiedeman ON
74' - Fran O'Leary: This is an Andrew Wiedeman!
Ryan Nelsen: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!
83' - SUB: Bright Dike OFF / Justin Braun ON
90' - Don Garber: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your supporters' only outlet is tossing off to FourFourTwo magazine in the bathroom?
Tim Leiweke: Oh supporters! Oh my God!
TFC supporters: Tim, we never tossed off to anything!
Tim Leiweke: You told me you were buying a butty!
TFC supporters: We were! We were!
90'+ - FREIENCE! 


PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Alvaro Rey 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Kyle Bekker 5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Bright Dike 5.5 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Andrew Wiedeman 4)  

Stefan Frei. Because it's the last time we get to do that.  

Well ironically it took a bit of "weird science" for Chicago to get the match's only goal in the form of a phantom hand ball off of Osorio. In general, a poor version of a football match with entertaining bits few and far between. You know, like the "Weird Science" TV series.

For those of you getting your jollies from Montreal hanging on to the last playoff spot by le fingertips, the result doesn't hurt your pettiness. We need something after all no? The match also did much to highlight that as teams like Montreal and Chicago struggle to go further into the season, TFC is still a million miles away from competing with quality teams in this league. Not two DP's away.

Finally, a likely goodbye to TFC stalwart and all-round top chap Stefan Frei. We may never get the pleasure of seeing him in a TFC kit again but he should be remembered fondly for being a good egg while being bombarded in goal like a dodgeball player since joining the club. You're a bigger man than me Stefan, after TFC's class-free handling of you this year, I would have picked up a "Dutch calf injury" on Thursday - but you love this club. Wish they'd done the same back to you this year. Danke.

Tim and Tim set their DP plan in motion...

Friday, October 18, 2013

THE MATCHUP: Requiem for a Goalblerone

Bye, bye mon Swiss cowboy


Yo Scottie! Run the triangle! (What's up Chicago?)

Ah the cherished late-season role of "spoiler". The solace of the eternal underachiever. "If we can't have nice things then why should you?!" Then you blow a raspberry. The question is: how can something like TFC that is long spoilt (in the sell-by-date sense) truly be handed such responsibility? Let's face it, TFC couldn't be put in charge of spoiling milk in the midday sun. So, let's just let American Toronto get on with their business of suckling from the teet of MLS playoffs while Canadian Chicago looks forward to 2015 when our shiny new DP's turn 33.

The only notable thing in this match is of course the likely farewell to TFC stalwart and all-round quality chap, Stefan Frei. After an awful season that saw him rooted to the bench, Frei gets the start over the suspended Super Pickle. While in theory, Ryan Nelsen could do the right thing and let him start at home next week - he probably won't. Which is a high-end douche move. So we say farewell to Frei on TV, not fitting for a good TFC soldier. Is he better than Joe Bendik? We think so yes. Is he better on $200K? Nope... and that's why we say auf Wiedersehen to The Goalblerone.

The Stefan Frei Testimonial Match

CHICAGO: Jalil Anibaba, Mike "Tits" Magee, Patrick Nyarko
TORONTO: Stefan Frei. That's all.

Stefan Frei post-match remarks:
- "It's been an honour to play for Toronto FC": 500-1
- "I will miss the fans and my teammates": 100-1
-"Hey Nelsen, good luck with this shitshow you Kiwi bastard": 2-1

In our quest to help you learn more about our MLS opponents we thought we would pass on some internet research we did on Chicago Fire. Here is what we found:

Chicago Fire is an American television drama that airs on NBC on Wednesdays at 10:00 pm EST/9:00 p.m. CST during the 2012–13 television season. Created by Michael Brandt and Derek Haas and produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, the show follows the lives of the firefighters and paramedics working at the Chicago Fire Department at the firehouse of Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61 and Battalion 25. The firehouse shown is Engine 18's Quarters located at 1360 S. Blue Island Ave. between 13th & Racine. The series premiered on October 10, 2012. The pilot episode had an early release at, before the series' premiere on television.
On April 26, 2013, NBC renewed Chicago Fire for a second season, and moved its time slot to Tuesdays at 10:00 pm. EST. The season debuted on September 24, 2013.

(Ed. ~ Wikipedia you tricky son of a bitch.)


And... Since it's our last chance to hit the scene shootin' jumpers - STEVE KERR - and we are officially the riff raff of MLS...

Monday, October 14, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Things that happened during Toronto FC's Thanksgiving team dinner

You can taste the Istanbul!

Happy Turkey Day gang! Leaves have changed, pumpkins have ripened into Starbucks drinks, cranberry gloop has gloopened out of tins, all whilst families gather across this great land. Today we celebrate the first Canadian harvest back in 1288 AD under Turkish warlord Hakan the Hirsute and the Ottoman legacy of which our northern tundra was founded. I had a severe drinking problem during Grade 10 Canadian History. Enough about me though - another "family" of sorts that came together for a slap-up meal are our very own #TFCfamily (I feel dirty) - that hilarious comedy troupe/ football team, Toronto FC. Oh to be a fly on their table this weekend...

11. The bread rolls turned out to be slightly stale - Ryan Nelsen immediately blamed referees

10. A perfectly good dish was given away to another family to make space for a whole bunch of new dishes that were supposed to arrive to take its place.

9. Jimmy Brennan named new Head Chef

8. Everyone was asked to block Collin Samuel's phone number for the duration of the meal

7. People kept asking if "anyone had seen Bitchy the Hawk recently?"

6. Tim Leiweke kept apologizing during dinner and promising that next year's meal would be so much better after he acquired two expensive side dishes.

5. Justin Braun asked Reggie Lambe to pass him the gravy - disaster ensued

4. Tim Bezbatchenko spent entire meal on the phone desperately trying to trade 11 useless giblets for a couple of decent wings

3. Danny Koevermans injured himself on pie

2. Someone found a lame duck - immediately signed it to a lucrative 4-year DP contract

1. Everyone was simply content to watch a different bunch of turkeys get stuffed for once

And now ladies and gentleman... The Ode to the Great Canadian Poultry War of 1579... 


Thursday, October 10, 2013

THE WALL OF PUNOUR: Raivis Hščanovičs

If there is one piece of Toronto FC lore which we would be foolish not to emulate it is BMO Field's monument to greatness - The Wall of Honour. Created to placate those forced into retirement; celebrate players with years of service to the club; honour players with phenomenal statistics; create faux history; the Wall of Honour truly encapsulates the TFC brand. Taking nothing and making it a thing.
Here at The Yorkies we aim to live our lives every day in the MLSE way and felt the need to invest in our own slice of TFC faux-tradition. Sadly, we can't afford our own stupid bird to flap about aimlessly so instead we introduce "The Wall of Punour" - a place to celebrate former TFC "legends" who have given us the most back. Goals? Few. Defensive prowess? Snort. Years of gags, puns and malarkey? You bet!

We salute you, our hilarious brothers with our (reasonably) permanent monument to your punnilingual greatness. If MLS Pun Commissioner Dong Grabber were here for the opening of this temple of stupidity he would say "What you lacked in skill, you overcompensated with LOLZ."

With that we, are proud to honour the The Yorkies Wall of Punour's very first, but not last, inductee...


The fourteenth son of rutabaga farmers Jrzk and Mrjnnh Hscanovics, Raivis was born in the small farming village of Spltnyvwls outside of Riga in the former Soviet Union, now Latvia. While traditional career paths such as root vegetable propaganda, working in the nearby windshield wiper plant or a bureaucratic life with the Ministry of Vowel Management is where most of young Raivis' peers headed, the teen with the trademark Ivan Drago hairstyle knew that football (or sccrftbll as it was called in Spltnyvwls) was his true calling.

Monday, October 7, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC Designated Player sales pitches

"I've bought DP's for Brockway United, Ogdenville Athletic and North Haverbrook FC"
Look here gang! News on the transatlantic cable is that high-falutin' business mogul Tim Leiweke is hopping on a steamer to the Olde World to grab him some of them blue chippers see! True story folks, step right up, your Toronto Footballing Club is set to be shined up like a new trolley when Ol' Timbo returns with a couple of them European type Dee Pees! What about the other 9 players you ask? Why that sounds like Communist talk. You're not a communist are you? Now we're cooking with petrol! Just how you ask will our silver-tongued shopkeeper sell TFC to these costly kickballers? Like so...

11. "You're already only 10 goals away from being in the All-Time TFC Leading Goalscorers Top 5!"

10. "If you squint hard and hum loudly during the pre-match bird display you can almost pretend you signed for Benfica!"

9. "Ah, Toronto in February... it's the Paris of the Eastern Great Lakes"

8. "Don't worry, if you don't like the manager there's a new one due every 9 months!"

7. "Those rubes at BMO Field are so starved for the minimum level of success they will make you their god!"

6. "You have the chance to avenge the centuries-old European vendetta against the people of Columbus, Ohio"

5. "Plenty of good Wall of Honour space still available!"

4. "Plenty of down-time to cruise for chicks with world-renowned wild and crazy gigolo Tim Bezbatchenko"

3. "You may get a chance to glimpse the Raptors' Global Ambassador Drake... if not you will definitely meet the Toronto FC Global Ambassador - the original bassist from Platinum Blonde"

2. "Get in on the ground level of the 4th 5-Year Plan"

1. "Pick up where the legendary Mista left off"

Saturday, October 5, 2013

AFTER 90: Leiwekes Just Don't Understand

Which one of you is Cassano and which one is Adebayor?

Let's face it Jazzy Jeffs, this season hasn't been fresh since April. If TFC had a mom it would have long been scared and moved the club with it's Auntie and Uncle in the NASL. Alas, we don't have a benevolent Uncle Phil to set us straight, just a President that has sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and Bel-Air, so chances are high we'll be right here next year as well. Hey maybe we can get our wacky cousin to move in. Carlton! Cole.

In the meantime, our annual meaningless trip to the Suburb of Brotherly Love gives us the chance to whip out some local flavour... our Fresh Prince theme tune! If you came here for match analysis... you need to ask yourself some deep questions about your life choices. Enjoy!

Now this is the story, call it a fable
Another year spent at the foot of the table
And we'd like to take a minute, we won't be mean
We'll tell you The Reds will be the same in 2014
Southwest of Philadelphia a crap game played
On defence is where they spent much of the day
Long balls, hacking, passing like fools
Tactically inept with no talent pool
We've got a couple of guys, they are just sort of good
The rest should be benched like other clubs would
2013 is ending just like all other years
We say "The only way to watch it is drink lots of beers"
Now Leiweke's in town and yells "Have no fear!"
"Things will be different this time next year"
If anything we could say we've heard this before
But this fool will blow cash on Adebayor!
So we're waiting 'til New Year to buy our tickets
Yelling at T-Bez "You've signed the next Rohan Ricketts!"
Safe in the knowledge. we'll be sad in the stands
To watch Ryan Nelsen's brand new 5-Year Plan


Friday, October 4, 2013

THE MATCHUP: In a state at the Union

Mayor of Chester, Pennsylvania - the Honorable Paulie Pennino
Successful MLS Expansion club? CHECK
Intimate waterfront stadium? CHECK
Rabid supporters? CHECK
In the midst of exciting October playoff race? CHECK
Toronto FC? CHECK
As if to poke Toronto supporters gently and repeatedly in the eyeball, The Reds are off to the suburb of Brotherly Love to face a club that is in a position that TFC should be in. At the very least. The fourth-year Union have had success; have had hard times; have bounced back-and-forth in true MLS fashion.
Toronto FC promise next year will be different? CHECK
Next year will not be different? CHECK

"The Union Movement"

PHILADELPHIA: Conor Casey, Zac MacMath, Jack McInerney,
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Steven Caldwell, Bright Dike

TFC impersonating the following Philly legends:
- Rocky's Uncle Paulie drunk with allocation cash: 50-1
- The Fresh Prince getting in one little fight: 25-1
- A cheesesteak falling behind a couch and being forgotten for seven years: 2-1

One of the best things about waking up in Philly on a Saturday morn is getting to catch the latest episode of local kid's TV favourite "Jack, Mack & Ernie". Here's a preview of this week's show!

JACK: Today's show is brought to us by the number 8 and the letters D, P and L!!!
MACK: What can we spell with D and P guys?
ERNIE: Double puppet penet-
JACK: Shut up Ernie you filth monger!
MACK: I heard that D is for Designated and P is for Players!
JACK: That's right gang! And 8 is for finally getting it right after 8 years!
ERNIE: Should see what I 8 last night.
MACK: Huh? What?
ERNIE: Yo mamma.
JACK: Ernie! Language!
MACK: (Crying gently) What's the L for?
JACK: L is for Lying about DP's fixing things after 8 years which makes the Baby Jesus cry.
ERNIE: Should have stuck with my DP idea.
MACK: (Sobbing) I don't even know what that means!
ERNIE: Ask your mom to show you the video from last night.
JACK: I f*cking quit.


And... Since "Jack, Mack & Ernie" have been put on emergency hiatus, here is a video of their cousins from down the street singing a nice children's song...