LETTERS FROM CAMP: Put some Philly on it

Dr. Phil?

Pre-season isn't just for players you know. Us hard-hitting investigative journalists/punmonkeys need to get ready for this season as well. So, while our Eff Cee's took on the Union down in Orlando, we decided to multitask and host a Q&A with some of Philadelphia's leading personalities about the upcoming season...

THE YORKIES: There was a brief war of words between the front offices of TFC and Philadelphia Union, do you see this stoking a greater rivalry between the two clubs?

ROCKY BALBOA - EX-HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER: "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

THE YORKIES: Union have been in a building mode for the last few seasons, has the reason for the lack of silverware been a tactical issue or is there something else holding the club back?

THE FRESH PRINCE - MUSICIAN/TRAVELLER: "Parents just don't understand."

THE YORKIES: TFC have made some major signings this year. Who do you see having the most significant impact in 2014?

HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE - LOCAL STORYTELLER/DOCTOR: "You seeeeee, let me tell you about the soccerrr and the balls in whatchamacallit! The pudding pops! Mmmmmmm!" (Rolled his eyes for 30-40 seconds) "Theoooooo!"

THE YORKIES: Are American fans upset at Michael Bradley signing with Toronto over an American destination?

A CHEESESTEAK - LOCAL SANDWICH/HERO: "Squoooooge, slrrrrrrplop"

THE YORKIES: Do you feel that the 4-4-2 as often played by both TFC and Union is an outdated tactic in the modern football environment?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC - SPORTS PERSONALITY/GREEN: "HOOOOONK!!!"

THE YORKIES: Care to elaborate?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: "Honk. Honk honk. HOOOOONK!"

THE YORKIES: How close do you think Philadelphia and Toronto will be in the Eastern Conference playoff picture?

IVAN DRAGO - INTERNATIONAL SPORTSMAN: "To the end."

THE YORKIES: Interesting. Which club has a better chance?

IVAN DRAGO: "You will lose."

THE YORKIES: Thank you for your time today.

IVAN DRAGO: "I must break you."

THE YORKIES: Oh. I see. We'll be off then.

THE YORKIES: Is there a player we should be looking at to have a breakthrough season with Union in 2014?

MUSHMOUTH - FORMER 'COSBY KIDS' GANG MEMBER/COMMUNITY ACTIVIST: "Hubbudah bubba, hubba wubba. Dubbubbudah.. Also watch out for hubbubbudah."

THE YORKIES: What impact do you think the World Cup break will have on the performance levels and chemistry of MLS clubs this summer?

PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE - SPREAD: "Fllllllrrrrppppthh."

We thank our colleagues in the Philadelphia sporting scene for these illuminating insights.

FINAL: PHILADELPHIA 0 - TORONTO 0



AFTER 90: Leiwekes Just Don't Understand

Which one of you is Cassano and which one is Adebayor?

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

 

Let's face it Jazzy Jeffs, this season hasn't been fresh since April. If TFC had a mom it would have long been scared and moved the club with it's Auntie and Uncle in the NASL. Alas, we don't have a benevolent Uncle Phil to set us straight, just a President that has sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and Bel-Air, so chances are high we'll be right here next year as well. Hey maybe we can get our wacky cousin to move in. Carlton! Cole.

In the meantime, our annual meaningless trip to the Suburb of Brotherly Love gives us the chance to whip out some local flavour... our Fresh Prince theme tune! If you came here for match analysis... you need to ask yourself some deep questions about your life choices. Enjoy!

 

 

''THE FRESH TIM OF HOT-AIR"

Now this is the story, call it a fable

Another year spent at the foot of the table

And we'd like to take a minute, we won't be mean

We'll tell you The Reds will be the same in 2014

 

Southwest of Philadelphia a crap game played

On defence is where they spent much of the day

Long balls, hacking, passing like fools

Tactically inept with no talent pool

 

We've got a couple of guys, they are just sort of good

The rest should be benched like other clubs would

2013 is ending just like all other years

We say "The only way to watch it is drink lots of beers"

 

Now Leiweke's in town and yells "Have no fear!"

"Things will be different this time next year"

If anything we could say we've heard this before

But this fool will blow cash on Adebayor!

 

So we're waiting 'til New Year to buy our tickets

Yelling at T-Bez "You've signed the next Rohan Ricketts!"

Safe in the knowledge. we'll be sad in the stands

To watch Ryan Nelsen's brand new 5-Year Plan

 

 

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Uncle Phil



THE MATCHUP: "Shmell Ya' Latersh"

"I'm de DJ, he'sh the rappersh"



PHILADELPHIA (4th) VS. TORONTO (16th)
　
PPL PARK - SATURDAY 4PM EDT
TV: TSN -----RADIO: FAN 590
　
Saturday's match against the high flying, second-year (cough, cough) Philadelphia Union really only holds one point of interest for TFC supporters - will Aron Winter swallow his pride and field a B-Squad in order to rest up for next week's Champions League do-or-die? Since there is little other consequence other than predicting a 2-0 loss, The Yorkies bring you a special Philly-inspired musical interlude by The Reds' # 1 Dutch hip-hop sensation Bob "De Fresh Prince of Amsterdam" de Klerk...
________________________________________________________

DE FRESH PRINSH OF BMO

Now, thish is the shtory all about how
My life got flipped-turned upshide down
And I'd like to take de minute
Jusht shit down shlow
I'll tell you how I became the Prinsh of a Field called BMO

In wesht Amshterdam born and raished
On de pitch wash where I shpent mosht of my daysh
Chillin' out, shmokin', relaxshin' all free
Shootin' free kicksh by Ajax Academy
When shome Feyenoord dudesh
Who were up to no good
Shtartin’ making trouble by de coffee houshe
I got in one little fight and mama shcreamed "Go!"
She shaid 'You're movin' with Aron Winter to BMO'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my shuitcashe and shent me on my way
She gave me a kissh and then she gave me de ticket.
I watched Rutger Hauer in-flight film and shaid,
'I might ash well kick it'.

Firsht classh, yo thish ish not bad
Drinking peach schnappsh out of de champagne glassh.
Ish thish what KLM Firsht Classh ish like?
Hmmmmm, thish might be alright!

De plane landed at Pearshon and when I came out
There wash Jurgen Klinshmann shtanding there with my name out
But I ain't trying to play voetbal yet, I jusht got here!
Sho I shprang with quicknessh, en like de Ruud Gullitt job - dishappeared

I whishtled for de cab and when it came near
De lishense plate shaid Ontario and it had Maple Leafsh in de mirror
If anything I can shay dat thish cab wash shlow
But I thought 'Bob forget it' - 'Yo homesh to BMO'

I pulled up to de shtaadt about sheven or eight
And I yelled to de cabbie 'Yo homesh shmell ya later'
I looked at BMO Field
I wash replashing Mo
To shit on my throne ash de Prinsh of BMO

"Yo, TFC smell you later..." (Post-match musical interlude)

" Mo Johnston just don't understand"

Now this is the story all about how
This match got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell how Toronto FC got beat in Chest-er

Outside of Philadelphia on Saturday
PPL Park is where TFC got played
Chilling out, relaxing, passing like fools
Shooting the football like a team full of tools
When a few of the Union, began playing good
Toronto defended like Garcia could
Philly got one little goal and Preki got mad
And said “Surely after 4 years we can’t be this bad”

The second half had started, Gargan’s throw-in came near
It glanced Barrett’s head and hit the net in the rear
If anything, a Chad goal is really quite rare
But the Reds thought “Yo homes, a draw here is fair”

But angry Usanov had to go punch the ball
Union got a PK with no time left at all
Philly had scored and the game ended there
With a bad TFC beaten 2-1 in Chest-er