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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

THE MATCHUP: TFC Academy 4: NutCans On Patrol

Now that's an Academy

TORONTO FC VS. VANCOUVER WHITECAPS FC
 
BMO Field - Wednesday 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET EAST & WEST
 
The highlight of this match will be before kickoff when TFC lifts The Voyageurs Cup and celebrates its second NutCan in a row. After the whistle... maybe bring a PSP and play some FIFA. The cupless wonders from British Columbia may very well try and salvage a little face from a terrible tournament for them but Toronto has made it clear - this match doesn't matter.
 
The Reds made their intentions clear by calling up seven youngsters from TFC Academy who can potentially play in this "match" and when academies get involved - hijinks ensue! There will no doubt be a funny and suave ladies man, a guy who can make noises with his mouth, a really tall dude with a heart of gold and a gun-toting maniac in camouflage. There may be some comic trouble in the middle of the match but in the end they all become good friends and graduate. Then a hooker is placed in the podium before Preki's post-match press conference. Something like that.
 
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Worst. Unofficial. Friendly. Ever. Derby."
 
CUPLESS & CRANKY: Doudou Toure FW, Justin Moose MF, Ricardo Sanchez MF
CUPFUL & COCKY: Fuad Ibrahim FW, Gabe Gala MF, Random Academy Player # 2,
 
THE ODDS:
- The Queen showing up in BMO Field's Royal Box for trophy presentation: 500-1
- Sportsnet's viewer ratings higher than re-run of Westminster Dog Show: 90-1
- MLSE selling "2010 Canadian Champion" t-shirts for $49.99: Evens
- Whitecaps stealing the trophy, taking it to Centre Island's yacht club only to have it rescued by squad of wacky rookie cops on jet skis: 3-1
 
WHO ARE YA?
- There is still no definite scientific proof that Whitecaps' defender Justin Moose isn't fractionally part actual moose
- The Voyageurs Cup trophy comes filled to the brim with "Dale Mitchell's Homemade 7-Layer Dip" and a small bag of CSA-brand generic corn chips
- Angry fans are planning to greet the Whitecaps at Vancouver airport by throwing stale tofu and bong water at them in disgrace
- The NutCan Winner's Medal isn't just handsome but is also good for a free coleslaw at participating Swiss Chalet restaurants
 
MAHONEY SAYS: 2-1 Toronto
LT. HARRIS SAYS: 0-1 Vancouver
HEADLINE: "TFC LIFTS TROPHY - MO JOHNSTON SIGNS 10 YEAR EXTENSION"

"2-1." "No, 0-1." (Horse noise)

1 comment:

  1. You guys are nerds. I say that with love.

    ReplyDelete