THE MATCHUP: Bzzzzzzzzzz

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI FINAL
BMO FIELD – WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- The Canadian Cham… BZZZZZZZZZZ
- Sorry, midges. As we were saying… BZZZZZZZZZ
- Dear God so many… Ach! NOT IN THE MOUTH!
- They’ve taken the South Stand! Retreat! BZZZZZZZZZ

 

… The bugs! They’ve enslaved the Vancouver bench!!!

 

 

… We for one welcome our new midge overlords…

 

THE STARTING 11: Ways to make the Canadian Championship tournament more popular

Solid midfielder



The Canadian Club Championship - we still like to call it the NutCan because it sounds dirty - and the quest for the Voyageurs Cup is a great little tournament. There have been some terrific matches and plenty of drama in the tournament's short history. It was also TFC's only glimpse of glory in the wasteland that was 2007-2013. Despite that, the tourney still struggles to fill stadiums and has yet to be fully embraced across the country. Perhaps the organizers should reach out to Canadians with these very useful ideas...

11. Give the actual Voyageurs Cup a "Roll Up The Rim To Win" feature

10. Funny hats!

9. The winners get P.E.I.

8. Go to three downs

7. Advertise the tournament on TV as "The Road to Wednesdays in Honduras"

6. Just let Vancouver win it one time, ok guys?

5. Final held on Baffin Island

4. Losers must take Rob Ford as their mayor for a year

3. Each club must field a bear in their starting XI

2. Rebrand it as "The Molson Canadian Lawn Hockey Finals"

1. Shirts vs. Pants

THE STARTING 11: Perks of winning the NutCan three times in a row

"I say, one believes Vancouver to never get a NutCan. God Save Me."



Two days later and we've still got NutCan buzz! Some have advised to seek medical attention, possibly an ointment, but we care not. It's thrice as nice! Yes, in the grand scheme of world football winning the Voyageurs Cup isn't exactly the Jules Rimet but for suffering Reds supporters it was a sweet and almost fated victory. A great game to top off the best version of the NutCan tournament so far and an extra thumbed nose at our "perfect" cousins from the west coast. However, winning the NutCan means more than just a chance to hoist some silverware - there are a few sweet perks that go with being 3-time winners...
　
11. The cup comes filled with Mini Kit Kat bars
　
10. You get to shake hands with Prince William... but not Kate
　
9. Trophy counts as a passenger on 407 Toll Highway
　
8. FC Edmonton has to be your butler for a year
　
7. Team gets to represent Canada in the 2011/12 CONCACAF Champions League... and 2012 Miss Universe Pageant
　
6. It forces the Whitecaps to talk about SoccerBowl '79 for at least one more year
　
5. Get to hang out with the US Open Cup winners at all the hottest new nightspots
　
4. Nutrilite supplements up the ying-yang
　
3. Invited to torch the ceremonial first car at the next Vancouver riot
　
2. Allowed to fill trophy with pot pourri - put in team bathroom
　
1. Can order the illusive "Triple-Double" at Tim Hortons

AFTER 90: Once, twice... three times a NutCan

See those three Maple Leafs Whitecaps? Yeah, those are ours.



IN THE TUNNEL:
No signs of torrential rains or other biblical wraths on the horizon as the two clubs make their way onto a hot and hazy BMO Field. The Canadian Championship and a spot in CONCACAF Champions League is on the line as familiar foes, TFC and Whitecaps, conclude what started more than a month ago. With a 1-1 aggregate, it was all to play for...

ON THE PITCH:
1' - A smaller than usual, but louder than recent, crowd roars Toronto on and hopes that the karma stays on The Reds' side. Kick-off...
10' - The Reds look a little vulnerable on the Dan Gargan-side of the defence as Whitecaps test the waters in TFC's third
13' - A 3/4 full crowd with a 3/4 higher volume than usual
15' - Maicon Santos can only manage to hit the side netting after running out of space after receiving a long range Joao Plata pass
17' - SUB: Maicon Santos hobbles off - replaced by Javier Martina
21' - GOAL: Camilo Sanvezzo silences the crowd after curling a beautiful free kick around the TFC wall and past Stefan Frei. Despite the softness off the penalty call, the goal was class
TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 0 (1-2 Agg.)
22' - Molotov cocktails put back in cupboards across Vancouver
25' - TFC find their composure and attack Whitecaps in a flurry with Julian de Guzman hitting the post followed by a scramble which saw Caps' keeper / adult video legend Joe Cannon make numerous stops
32' - Plata buzzes around Cannon forcing a save. Specialist video.
40' - Groans of anguish around Toronto as Javier Martina catches Cannon way out of net and seemingly directs the ball into the Vancouver goal. Seemingly because Caps' defender Jay DeMerit slides the ball off the line. Anguish because half the stadium and most cameras saw the ball cross the goal line. Starting to feel like karma has swung westward.
44' - As the halftime beckons, there is a sense of cosmic doom floating through the stands. Surely the God wouldn't do this after washing out the original fixture?

HALFTIME: TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1 (AGG. 1-2)

45' - Worried faces in the crowd want TFC to come out flying... or massive tornadic activity to roll in
46' - The Reds do indeed fly out of the gates as "El MosQuito" Joao Plata dribbles a shot that teases the Vancouver line but doesn't beat Cannon. I know, too many entendres
50' - PENALTY: Plata is brought down in the Caps' box and coolly steps up to take the kick... and NO! Groans, bad karma and filthy swearing rain out as the NutCan looks headed westward... but wait... the officials claim that Joe Cannon got off too quickly (his line pervs) and Plata would get a do-over. The Ecuadorian Cucumber stepped up again and this time - GOAL: slotted it past Cannon
TORONTO 1 - VANCOUVER 1 (AGG: 2-2)
51' - Fires, looting reported throughout downtown Vancouver
56: SUB: Injured Ty Harden off for Tony Tchani who moves into the defensive back four
58' - Vancouver Lululemon stores smashed. Hot Yoga cancelled
61' - GOAL: All from the feet off Plata as the youngster's cross finds the foot of Mikael Yourassowsky who becomes the rarest of things - a Belgian folk-hero!
TORONTO 2 - VANCOUVER 1 (AGG: 3-2)
63' - Army called into Vancouver as SkyTrains overturned, armed gangs go granola crazy at Whole Foods, dogs & cats living together... mass hysteria!
70' - TFC managing to avoid temptation to go into defensive turtle
80' - Starting to turtle just a wee bit
84' - SUB: de Guzman off for Doneil Henry... ok, now they're turtling
90'+ - Whole stadium holding breath can't be healthy but TFC are scrapping and fighting defensively with a lot of heart...
90'+ - CHAMPIONS! BMO Field erupts in a way we haven't seen in a long time

FULL TIME: TORONTO 2 - VANCOUVER 1
(AGGREGATE 3-2)

IN THE BATHS:
For many of us who put up with the cold, the colder, the wet, the wetter, the scorching heat and a lot of dodgy football, it's these days when we remember why. A true roller coaster of emotion from frustration, to anger, to joy, to panic and finally exhausted elation - watching Toronto FC lift their third consecutive Voyageur's Cup felt very cathartic. This week with its wins, huge signings and now silverware feels like the dawn of the "new TFC" that we were promised. Who knows - the euphoria may be short-lived but it felt great for one day and gives us a reason to learn more about Nicaragua. For Vancouver supporters, this year's NutCan will go down as yet another perceived injustice for the team who just can't get their hands on the prize but history will only remember TFC's name emblazoned thrice. That and the riots.

PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Dan Gargan 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Ty Harden 6 (Tony Tchani 6.5) / Danleigh Borman 6.5 / Mikael Yourassowsky 7 / Nathan Sturgis 6 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 (Doneil Henry - ) / Nick Soolsma 6 / Maicon Santos 6 (Javier Martina 7) / Joao Plata 8

THE YORKIES' MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TALKING POINT: Has Nicaragua ever seen a Torsten Frings? Discuss

THE MATCHUP: Back To Back Caps - Episode II: We Predict a Riot

Caps' supporters are ready for Saturday



TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINAL (REPLAY) - 2ND LEG (AGGREGATE 1-1)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 12:30PM
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will Toronto FC be able to build momentum from Wednesday night's league win over Whitecaps or are two positive results on the trot too much to ask?
- Would Teitur Thordarson still be coach of Vancouver if God hadn't decided that He didn't like The Caps' back on that rainy night in May?
- Will Julian de Guzman return and "prove his value" to Aron Winter?
- Will TFC come out and aggressively play for a win or allow Whitecaps to attack them as seen in the original 2nd Leg?
- Would anyone notice if the guy in Dan Gargan's jersey looked a lot like Torsten Frings?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "NutCan 2: Electric Boogaloo"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Stefan Frei, Maicon Santos, Nick Soolsma
VANCOUVER: Camilo, Jay DeMerit, Eric Hassli
　
THE ODDS:
- Harvey's new Frings stand debuting at BMO Field: 20-1
- If TFC win, massive riots taking care of the parts of Vancouver not already boarded up: 50-1
- Whitecaps taking an early lead - BMO Field hit by tornado: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Whitecaps are apparently rushing to match TFC's ambitious signings by aggressively pursuing Dutch striker Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink and former German international Stefan Kuntz
- The island nation of Iceland will be watching the match live and heavily supporting TFC after the Prime Minister branded Vancouver as "racist against Icelanders"
- Supporters are being asked to ignore any loud clock-ticking noises at BMO Field as it is simply time running out on Julian de Guzman's TFC career
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 15-8 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "NUTCAN FINAL A TOTAL RIOT"

THE STARTING 11: Effects of playing Vancouver Whitecaps twice in a week

#soccerbowl79 - So hot right now!

A common joke term used to describe Canada is "America's Hat". However, if you look at the two Canadian clubs in Major League Soccer - it's more like "America's Bib". While the perfectly perfect Vancouver Whitecaps have the excuse of being a first-year MLS club to wash away their sins, the local club just has to rely on its corporate motto "Rebuilding Since 2008". To be blunt, if MLS does ever go Single Table, Canada’s teams would be those felt circles under the legs. Anyhoo, as our west coast cousins set up camp in T.O. (Wednesday for a league fixture and Saturday for the replay of the biblically denied NutCan Final) we wonder what the local effects of having this much Whitecap in our midst will be...

　
11. Local Lululemon outlets report huge spike in sales
　
10. Rogers Cable employees constantly crank-calling Caps' hotel - asking them to switch their Bell jerseys for a Rogers one
　
9. Vancouver goalkeeper / adult film star Joe Cannon spending days trying to frame hilariously saucy shot of him and the CN Tower
　
8. The discovery of eight lost local Nash brothers
　
7. Somehow #soccerbowl79 keeps trending on Twitter
　
6. Canadian National Team players from both clubs try to have Canada Day picnic - easily pushed away from last picnic spot by elderly family from Panama
　
5. TFC gets the chance once-and-for-all to prove they're only the second worst club in MLS!
　
4. Toronto stationary stores stocking up on red cards in preparation for Eric Hassli's arrival
　
3. Somehow the Boston Bruins win the Voyageurs Cup
　
2. Mayor Rob Ford's spot in this weekend's Gay Pride Parade taken by Bobby Lenarduzzi
　

1. Two times the riots!

BREAKING NEWS: God hates Whitecaps... Now with 50% More Updates!

For those of you not currently prune-skinned from head to toe and looking for some type of NutCan post-match report... look out the window. With Vancouver up 1-0 and leading a flat Toronto FC comfortably, nature called and let her damp fury loose over BMO Field.

Late this evening, due to lightning, biblical rain and possibly the delayed Rapture, the NutCan Final 2nd Leg was abandoned and a full replay will be attempted tomorrow. We will aim to bring you a dry (moisture, not humour) recap whenever this match takes place.

Oh, and that Viking screaming heard in Toronto right now? Teitur Thordarson.

More on Earth vs. Vancouver Whitecaps here ...

UPDATE (MAY 26 - 930AM) - The match has been officially postponed after Parks Canada confirmed that schools of Lake Ontario trout have been found in front of both BMO Field goalmouths. Also, the search for Joao Plata amongst the 5 Foot 4 puddles has yet to be concluded - God speed "Santos' Little Helper".

Match to be replayed in its entirety on July 2nd (aka Canadian Boxing Day). Details here

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Vancouver... or a dream start!

What a gorgeous spring evening on the shores of Lake Ontario. The warm breeze kisses our cheeks with the promise of beautiful football tearing through the fresh cut blades of the hallowed BMO turf with national supremacy on the line. Don't you wish you were here.

1 -Winter fields his strongest side to date. deGoo and Tchani the powerful midfield engine driving the attack of Plata, Santos and Soolsma. Cann and Williams poised to anchor the mighty Robins to a famous victory over their west coast rivals.

4 - the skies darken and precipitation begins to fall. Nothing can ruin tonight...

10 - Ok, is it getting wetter... oh it should clear up shortly

15 - Sure, I'm ill-dressed with a fabric zip-up sweater, but surely I won't get soaked through everything

18 - GOAL - how is this rain causing this? Hassli gets a lucky deflection off the deGoo... but what a howler by Cann. Seriously. Annoying.

22 - Toronto has a ton of possession right now but can't do anything in the final third. And my hat is soaked right through

27 - Oh come on, what the hell! Shoot the f**king ball!!! C'mon, I'm soaked through my jacket and pants and I can see my breath.

29 - Oh my lord the rain is going into my ear. It's in my ear and down my neck, trickling down my back.

33 - Everything is soaked. My toes. Numb. Toronto can't pull the damn trigger. It's freezing, miserable and TFC is playing worse and worse with every touch.

38 - We are going to die!! Not due to flood, but from frostbite or electrocution from the lightning storm!

42 - Ok, that drop went down the back and to the crack of my rear. It's so chilling. Have you ever felt that sensation before? Have you ever had the living hell scared out of you in a cold dark cellar? It's like that except it's wet and the football is total garbage!

45+1 - I hate everyone with a tarp, a rain jacket and the audacity to call this farce football. So I despise 99% of the attendees of BMO Hole. And can we get a damn roof on this dump already? Seriously, just sell Frei on to Neuchatel Xamax for half a mil and BUILD A LID ON THIS CAN ALREADY!!!!

UGH AHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! HAAAAATE!!!!!!!

We would like to take this time to apologize for this report as our reporter has been overcome by the overwhelming amount of ice cold precipitation. He left at halftime and, with thanks to foursquare, appears to be crossing Richmond St. W over and over again in an attempt to be the "mayor of the Consulate General of Romania" while meowing aggressively at passers by. Hopefully he'll recover in time for Saturday.

THE MATCHUP: Once...Twice... Three times a NutCan?

Joao Plata poses behind The Voyageurs Cup



TORONTO FC VS. VANCOUVER WHITECAPS
NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINAL - 2ND LEG (AGGREGATE 1-1)
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- With a 0-0 scoreline all that is needed for the trophy, will Winter resist the temptation to play defensively and will his players have the nerve not to?
- Will Whitecaps come out aggressively and try to expose TFC's infamous slow starts even if it opens them up in the back?
- If Dan Gargan gets (yet another) start, how many seconds will it take for Caps' Shea Salinas to turn him inside out like last week?
- After making a late substitute appearance, will Nana Attakora play a part in the Final?
- If Vancouver loses the cup in a controversial fashion, will Teitur Thordarson be the second Icelandic thing to explode this week?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "NutCan 2: The Nuttening"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Joao Plata
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS: Eric Hassli, Jay Nolly, Shea Salinas
　
THE ODDS:
- Eric Hassli smashing the Voyageurs Cup into pieces after tackling it from behind: 50-1
- During post-match celebrations, Joao Plata lifting the cup above head - sinking comically into mud: 100-1
- Toronto Mayor Rob Ford organizing an impromptu ticker-tape parade for those Socialist, Pinko "soccer" players and their little trophy: 5000-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- While The NutCan may struggle for local media attention in Toronto, it's not the case in BC. You can't open a paper on the West Coast without reading about "Cup Fever"!
- The Nutrilite Canadian Championship is currently ranked 3rd in FIFA's "Best Health-Care Product Sponsored Tournaments" behind Scotland's "Vicks Vapour-Rub Vase" and the German Regional League's "BundesErekt Viagra Pokal"
- If TFC does win the cup we don't recommend searching "3 time NutCan" on Google at work. Chances are it won't involve football.
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS WIN NUTCAN - ATTAKORA TO FULFILL DREAM OF NOT PLAYING IN NICARAGUA"

AFTER 90: "V" is for (sort of) "Victory"

Take that Stan Smyl

On a night where majority of Vancouverdelphians (it's what they're called - read it in a book) were watching the Canucks, preparing to overturn cars in celebration/despair and/or colour coordinating their Lululemon pants, the Nutrilite Canadian Championship took to the pitch. Toronto FC revisited the scene of its 2011 opening match disaster with an eye on taking a 1st Leg advantage in the Final against Whitecaps.

　

With the announcement from CONCACAF earlier today that the winner would get a generous draw against the Nicaraguan Champion in the preliminary, as well as the chance to be in a fairly weak Group C, the NutCan suddenly became that bit more attractive. Would Vancouver remember they had a football team? Would Dan Gargan get beaten down the wing before kick-off? Do these yoga shorts make me look British Columbian? To Empire Field!

　

1' - Pre-game highlight package reminds us that Dwayne De Rosario once played for Toronto. How odd. Kick-off...

2' - The power of Stan Smyl as Empire Field's usual full house has been Canucked

3' - Whitecaps controlling early as Terry Dunfield shoots just wide of Stefan Frei

5' - Dan Gargan makes a good tackle AND stays on his feet. Maybe Sunday is the apocalypse after all.

8' - VWFC's Shea Salinas eating Gargan alive on the wing. Apocalypse cancelled - out of your bunker

12' - Disappointing that Whitecaps aren't wearing giant "V" kits a la disco-era Canucks

15' - Is a dominatrix the groundskeeper at Empire Field? So much black rubber in the field turf

20' - Nick Soolsma delivering many decent crosses but no finisher to speak of... again

23' - Empire Field security removing supporters for throwing granola and Birkenstocks during Toronto FC corner

29' - Stefan Frei the only thing keeping TFC in a match as Camilo tears The Reds' defence open but is stopped by The Goalblerone

32' - SUB: Jacob Peterson picks up an injury and has to come off for Matt Gold. Bob de Klerk - what do you say? "I love... Gooooold!"

36' - Maicon Santos and Joao Plata invisible so far. Who knew Vancouver had such good Latin nightclubs?

41' - Empire Field's plastic carpet eating hamstrings like the proverbial fat kid on cake

43' - Frei plays chicken with Whitecaps' resident bully Eric Hassli and luckily gets the call his way

44' - Nick Soolsma with a sharp volley at VWFC keeper Jay Nolly - the Dutchman has been the only offensive spark in the 1st Half

45' - Referee ends the half with Vancouver in the ascendancy

　

HALFTIME: VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 0 - TORONTO FC 0

　

45' - SUB: Tony Tchani out for Oscar Cordon as 2nd Half starts

46' - Adrian Cann gets away with what many refs would have called a penalty kick after a rash tackle

47' - Eric Hassli blasts one against the post. Toronto FC has come out in their regular 2nd Half "Nap Time" formation.

50' - TFC's policy of downing warm milk at halftime needs to be questioned

51' - YELLOW CARD on TFC's Dicoy Williams after a crashing tackle

52' - Camilo nails a strike that hit's Frei's crossbar. Pathetic play from a lazy Toronto FC

59' - Davide Chiumiento gets the ball from a terrible Adrian Cann clearance attempt and puts it just over the TFC goal. It should be 3-0 Vancouver by now

60' - There must be some ruined pairs of Lululemons in the crowd

64' - GOAL: Eric Hassli curls a beautiful strike past the outstretched hands of Frei

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 0

67' - Frustrating that young Oscar Cordon is the only player on TFC showing any effort in the 2nd Half. Veterans are MIA

71' - Cann with a half-chance to grab a sneaky goal after a TFC corner ends up in a messy goalmouth scramble

72' - GOAL: The true meaning of "against the run of play" as Maicon Santos appears for the first time tonight to deflect a Soolsma cross past Jay Nolly and giving TFC a valuable away goal. Shocking!

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 1

76' - SUB: Joao Plata out in a "defensive" substitution as Ty Harden lumbers into the match

77' - Whitecaps owner Steve Nash would have loved this if he hadn't have gone to the Canucks game instead

79' - The Reds opting for a very un-Dutch 7-3-1 formation

82'- Hipsters drinking smoothies angrily

85' - Gargan gets away with a ref's gift as he arguably back-passes to Stefan Frei

87' - Sections of crowd almost too upset to smoke their weed. Almost.

88' - Stefan Frei doing what he has to do every game. Making giant saves in the final minutes to preserve results

90' - Dan Gargan doing what Dan Gargans are meant to do. Waste lots of time.

90'+ - Alain Rochat comes within inches of giving Whitecaps a very late win off of his head. The ref blows the whistle to end the match and give Toronto a very gratuitous escape

　

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 1

(AGGREGATE 1-1)

　

So many times have we seen Toronto FC deserve a bit better but still leave with nothing from a match. Tonight, The Reds truly stole a "victory" from the jaws of a potential disaster. After scrapping through a 1st Half which was fairly even, TFC came out in the 2nd looking as if they had all taken Nyquil in the dressing room. Vancouver pounced on TFC as any team would do but were only able to score a single goal. While most, including yours truly, expected further folding from Aron Winter's squad they managed to find a little on-field presence and steal the precious away goal. Some defensive steel held off a superior Whitecaps for the rest of the match but in the end it's TFC looking like the victors and returning home for the 2nd Leg only needing a 0-0 draw or better to advance to the CONCACAF Champions League.

　

PLAYER RATINGS:

Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Adrian Cann 6 / Dicoy Williams 6 / Dan Gargan 5.5 / Jacob Peterson INJ / Tony Tchani 6 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Nick Soolsma 7 / Maicon Santos 6 / Joao Plata 5.5 / SUBS: Matt Gold 6 / Oscar Cordon 6.5 / Ty Harden -

　

TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei - Honourable mention to Nick Soolsma in his best TFC match

TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Dan Gargan - sorry if I'm mean

　

TALKING POINT:

You don't always have to be good to be lucky. Discuss

THE MATCHUP: Reds seek Empire strike back

TFC's defence shows its mobility

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS VS. TORONTO FC
NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINAL - 1ST LEG
　
EMPIRE FIELD - WEDNESDAY 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET (ALL REGIONS)
　

NUTCAN WARS

　

Episode II

　

STRIKE BACK AT THE EMPIRE (FIELD)

　

It is a dark time for Toronto FC.

　

Although Mo Johnston has been destroyed, The NutCan has driven the Reds forces from the safety of BMO Field and pursued them across the country.

　

Overcoming the humiliating Opening Match embarrassment, a group of cup contenders led by Stefan Freiwalker has travelled to a temporary base in the remote pot-smoking world of British Columbia.

The evil lord Darth Lenarduzzi, obsessed with one-upping Toronto, has dispatched thousands of hipsters in Lululemon gear into the far reaches of Empire Field....

　

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Return of the Redi"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH (aka 'WITH THE FORCE')
THE DARK SIDE: Jay DeMerit, Alain Rochat, Eric Hassli
REDI KNIGHTS: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS
- Adrian Cann's ball dribbling skills compared to "an AT-AT Walker with a football": 10-1
- Teitur Thordarson revealing he is the Nash brothers' father: 100-1
- Aron Winter and Bob de Klerk dressing as Lando Calrissian and Cloud City pal LOBOT: 250-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- TFC defender Dan Gargan's form this year has caused many to wonder if he had been frozen in carbonite over the off-season
- Upon tending to an open cut Eric Hassli, the Whitecaps' physio was heard saying "And I thought he smelled bad......... on the outside"
- Vancouver's revamped BC Place Stadium is rumouored to have a vulnerable design flaw in its Hypermatter Reactor Core
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH
"May de Forsh be wit you... alwaysh"
　
TAUNTAUN THORDARSON SAYS: 2-0 Vancouver
R2deGU SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "TOTAL FOOTBALL STILL FAR, FAR AWAY"
　
Many Bothans died to bring us this match preview.

Winter and de Klerk head to Empire Field

THE STARTING 11: TV promos for the Canadian Championship Finals

The Halftime show has t-shirts and everything!



We love us a bit of the old NutCan. While the Canadian Championship may be a far cry from England's FA Cup (we kind of lack the 755 other clubs), it is our national equivalent and has usually been good fun. 2011 saw a change to a knockout format which has led to an exciting two-leg final between the two "best" clubs - Toronto and Vancouver. Fans of these teams and Canadian footy fanatics in general are very excited about the final which starts this Wednesday but broadcasters are still struggling to attract more casual viewers. Could these catchy taglines be just the promotion needed to get more eyes on our NutCan?
　
11. "It’s like Europa League... with donuts!"
　
10. "Two clubs. One dream. Economy class to Nicaragua."
　
9. "Now with 50% more Lenarduzzi!"
　
8. "Teitur Thordarsen vs. Aron Winter press conferences: Where the English language goes to die"
　
7. "You will obey the wishes of Craig Forrest... or else!"
　
6. "For the love of Stan Smyl... please watch"
　
5. "Because darts has been pre-empted"
　
4. "The Canadian Champion: Like being FIFA's tallest midget"
　
3. Stay tuned for the halftime extravaganza: Former TFC managers in a musical tribute to "The Human Centipede"
　
2. "So much better than the Latvian Football Cup"
　
1. You can't spell "great" without "aggregate"!

AFTER 90: "We've got 2nd Legs... We know how to use 'em"

Zed Zed Top. Two better legs than TFC v Edmonton

Second legs don't happen a whole lot when you play without a single table. Okay, The NutCan and the MLS format have nothing to do with each other but furniture puns are so rare in football blogs. Sue me IKEA. Despite such houseware platitudes, Toronto FC indeed found itself in The NutCan Semi-Final 2nd Leg tonight at BMO Field, a week after dispatching their opponents FC "We Heart Tories" Edmonton 3-0 in the 1st Leg. Could "The Monties" overcome 3 away goals? Would Aron Winter roll the dice with a B-Squad? Could I make more leg references? Let's leg it over (YES!) to Toronto's breezy lakeshore...

　
1' - Despite the 1st Team line-up, Toronto fans try to make FC Edmonton feel at home by not showing up. Kick-off...
3' - If Richard Eckersley didn't have that shock of cropped ginger hair, he'd be translucent
7' - Alan Gordon gets his head (including his European headband) on the end of a Danleigh Borman cross but can't direct it on goal
10' - Nana Attakora has still not been released
15' - Jacob Peterson get a decent ball on his feet in front of goal but puts it onto Princes' Blvd.
18' - Joao Plata drives a low ball after an Alan Gordon lay-off. Stopped by FCE keeper "Colonel" Lance Parker
20' - GOAL: A sweet little cross from "El Mosquito" Joao Plata and a fantastically placed first-touch from Alan "Yankee Dichio" Gordon. TFC's own "Little & Large"
TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0
23' - Fans singing the "Yankee Dichio" Song? Oh... wishful thinking... it's that song… again
28' - Jacob Peterson doing his "Amish Beckham" impression with a great cross into Edmonton's box but cleared by FCE defender Paul "I'm A Pretty Lady" Hamilton
38' - FC Edmonton trying to muster some offence but do need to score a goal every 10 minutes if they are to win this semi-final. Okay, stop giggling now.
41' - The font on FCE's player names on their kits looks a lot like the original Star Trek titles. Nerd.
45' - Little time added to the end of a half that TFC rightfully dominated
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0 (4-0 AGG)
　
45' - Aron Winter puts an unchanged squad out for the 2nd Half. Punishment?
50' - Is Stefan Frei ever going to get a day off? I mean... before he leaves for the Swiss League this summer
55' - First actual chance of 2nd Half as a Tony "Touch" Tchani chance from a Peterson feed goes out for a corner
58' - First card of the night as Mikael Yourassowsky does his super-villain act and chops down Paul "Pretty Lady" Hamilton. FCE can't capitalize on the free kick from 30 yards
61' - Nana Attakora still not released
63' - Alan Gordon drops to the ground holding his groin. Not in a funny slapstick way.
64' - SUB: Gordon and his achy crotch make way for Maicon "Mike Sanders" Santos
67' - Joao Plata with yet another sweet little pass to Yourassowsky which gets blocked in the box. Plata really is the Muggsy Bogues of Major League Soccer
70' - SUBS: Tchani and Julian de Guzman both out with knocks - Nick Soolsma and Matt Gold in to replace them
72' - Aron Winter's 1st team run-out suddenly looks short-sighted with a potential raft of injuries to Gordon, Tchani and de Guzman
76' - Poor Plata, so deserved of a goal, is denied by "Colonel" Parker's fingertip save on a good shot
81' - Eckersley working his socks off to get ball into FCE area but no one on TFC to help with the finish
84' - Many cold and restless supporters who were expecting many more goals start heading home
88' - Double-whammy for FC Edmonton as they are about to be eliminated and just hear they have to return to Alberta
90+ - TFC mail in a 2nd Half performance that was "good enough" to see them through to The NutCan Final. Attakora still with the team.
　
TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0
(4-0 AGGREGATE)
　
Whether it was a sign of a hardened competitive streak or a little passive aggressive punishment to underperformers, Aron Winter decided early to play for the win. TFC fielded close to a 1st Team line-up while FC Edmonton rotated and the result followed but at a potentially high injury cost. In the end, deep in the heart of an NDP riding, TFC eliminated the Alberta Blues who weren't very right-wing... nor left-wing over two matches. Positive performances by part-timers Richard Eckersley and Joao Plata justified their extended minutes and hopefully an improved winning mentality for the rest of the squad. The Reds and their supporters now anxiously await the result of the Vancouver v Montreal semi-final to see who stands in the way of a return appearance in the CONCACAF Champions League.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Adrian Cann 6 / Ty Harden 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 7.5 / Jacob Peterson 7 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Tony Tchani 6 / Joao Plata 7.5 / Alan Gordon 7 / Mikael Yourassowsky 6.5 / SUBS: Maicon Santos 5.5 / Matt Gold 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman's knee
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Five Foot Awesome. Injuries. Aggregate.

THE MATCHUP: Reds aim to continue national leadership with goal majority

"Can you hear Alberta sing? Noo, noo, noooo!"

TORONTO FC VS. FC EDMONTON

NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
SEMI-FINAL - 2ND LEG (3-0 AGGREGATE)
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET (ALL REGIONS)
　
We would love to make this a politics-free, non-partisan match preview and lick our wounds quietly in the corner - but we're playing "Alberta's Team". Yes, FC Edmonton, the lads from North Texas, that Tory bastion, are winging their way to the left-wing pinko cultural cesspool of Toronto for The NutCan Semi-Final 2nd Leg. "The Monties" will be stinging from the 3-0 beating laid on them by TFC in last week's 1st leg as well as the 5-0 thrashing delivered to them by Montreal in this past weekend's NASL fixture. While Edmonton's roster may not be deep enough for major rotation, manager Harry Sinkgraven will be eager to stop the bleeding and put a halt to 8 goals allowed in 180 minutes.
　
For TFC, the only plan is to stop Edmonton from scoring 3 away goals. On paper that sounds like an easy task but Toronto are shell-shocked coming off their worst performance in years - a 3-0 beat-down by Seattle Sounders... and Dan Gargan is still on the team. The aggregate scoreline will allow Aron Winter to rotate his squad greatly and a little passive aggressive punishment towards under-performing players may be called for. The regression seen on Saturday against Sounders must have been alarming for management and we can expect to see some new faces get a chance to make an impact in a fairly low-stress match in front of a likely smallish crowd. Any result that sees TFC advance to the final will be accepted but TFC also needs to adjust its mindset back to a winning one.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Midweek Majority Rule Rumble"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
FC EDMONTON: Alex Surprenant, Chris Kooy, Chris Lemire
TORONTO FC: Oscar Cordon, Tony Tchani, Mikael Yourassowsky
　
THE ODDS
- Edmonton players becoming frightened by an attendance bigger than 10,000 people: 5-1
- Game cancelled before kick-off as "soccer" outlawed by new majority government as "un-Canadian": 10-1
- FC Edmonton somehow winning 11 seats in Parliament: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Being "Alberta's Team", FC Edmonton will soon be allowed to fly the Conservatives' new $9 Billion F-35 jets to all away fixtures
- Conversely, TFC's proposed new Downsview academy (built on Federal lands) will now be shared with the first new Tory "Super-Jail". Danny Dichio will see double duty as coach and prison guard
- Former TFC GM Mo Johnston was reportedly pleased with last night’s election results... "Nothing can go wrong when a man with ultimate power is allowed to run things alone for four years right?"
　
ACTUALLY THE REFORM PARTY SAYS: 1-0 FC Edmonton
LEFT-WING CULTURAL ELITIST MEDIA TYPES SAY: 2-1 Toronto FC
HEADLINE: "TORONTO ADVANCE TO CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL - PARLIAMENT TO RECONVENE; OVERTURN RESULT"

THE STARTING 11: Originally rejected club names for FC Edmonton

They win a lot... but never by a majority (UPDATE: Nuts)

Since there's no other news today (what's an Osama Jack Layton?) we thought we'd use our spy skills to infiltrate the hiding place of some secret information. With Toronto FC's NutCan semi-final against FC Edmonton seeming like a foregone conclusion (unless Dan Gargan starts) we thought we would look into the founding of Canada’s newest pro club. The owners went for the very traditional "FC" moniker which we wholeheartedly approve of but were there other names being considered before "The Monties" (make it happen!) decided to go with FC Edmonton? Let's smoke those names out of their holes...

　
11. Gasatasaray
　
10. Eskimoca Juniors
　
9. Shelltic FC
　
8. Stockwell WednesDay
　
7. ShakhTar Sands Donutsk
　
6. Grant Fuhrentina
　
5. Harperlona
　
4. Arsenoil
　
3. Drillareal
　
2. Dynamo Gretzkyiv
　
1. Preston Manning North End

AFTER 90: Reds put the squeeze on FC Edmonton's NutCan dream

I know... rubbing oil in the wounds

On the same night that saw Real Salt Lake trying to become the 2010/2011 CONCACAF Champions League Winners; the quest for a berth in the 2011/2012 version began for Toronto FC in Edmonton. Yes, The Nutrilite Canadian Championship aka "The NutCan" is back - now with 50% more knockout action! TFC, as reigning champions, drew the lowest seed - NASL newcomers FC Edmonton - and took to the field in the aging orange monolith known as Commonwealth Stadium. Would Aron Winter take the NutCan seriously? Would Toronto's Dutch style match Edmonton's Dutch style? Would someone tell us why FC Edmonton adopted the nickname "The Monties"? Let's go to the artificial pitch where ankles rarely return...

　
1' - Literally dozens of Albertans huddle in the bowels of Commonwealth as cold rain blows sideways over the snow banks (!!!) on the sidelines. Kick-off...
2' - If you squint it looks like Liverpool vs. Cardiff City. But you have to squint hard.
5' - Both team feeling each other out. Neither looking very Dutch.
8' - Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky making some probing runs on the left side
12' - FCE midfielder Chris Lemire curls a free kick that beat Stefan Frei easily but hit the side netting. TFC got very lucky
20' - Richard Eckersley drives into the box and crosses a beautiful ball in front of the FCE keeper but Oscar Cordon scuffs his opportunity
22' - RED CARD: FC Edmonton MF Shaun Saiko gets straight red on a tough challenge. Wouldn't have been a red in many matches. Arguably a 50/50
27' - Alan Gordon really is "Yankee Dichio"
28' - Maicon Santos is his un-Brazilian alter-ego "Mike Sanders" as he scuffs a golden opportunity in the FCE box
33' - FC Edmonton somehow look far more offensively threatening since going down to 10 men. A better side would have punished TFC
34' - GOAL: Mike Sanders turns back into Maicon Santos and slots home a goal from a nice Joao Plata pass against the run of play.
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 1
42' - Nathan Sturgis AND Nick Soolsma shown on the bench - they're still alive!
45' - TFC defenders reading Edmonton's long range attempts well. In other news - Dan Gargan isn't playing
　
HALFTIME: FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 1
　
46' - Just to make me look stupid: SUB: Dan Gargan in for Richard "By" Eckersley who had a good first half. Recent TFC trialist Eddy Sidra on for FCE
48' - GOAL: Another great little Plata pass to Alan Gordon sees the ball pinball to Oscar Cordon only to return to Alan "Yankee Dichio" Gordon to sweep home the loose ball
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 2
52' - Joao Plata has been an absolute menace to the FCE defensive line. El Mosquito
58' - SUB: Alan Gordon out - Jacob "Amish Beckham" Peterson in
61' - GOAL: Terrible clearance by FCE goalkeeper Rein Baart lands at Maicon Santos' unmarked feet who slots it home with ease
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 3
65' - SUB: Joao Plata's best game in red ends with the return of the long lost Nick Soolsma
67' - Edmonton's D Paul Hamilton is a very pretty lady
70' - The FC Edmonton shirt sponsor "Sears Financing" makes me want to buy a La-Z-Boy recliner on layaway
74' - FCE Alex Surprenant puts one just over Stefan Frei's crossbar from a free kick
80' - Just heard that they couldn't fit tonight's crowd into FCE's actual home ground Foote Field. Is it a stadium for ants?
82' - TFC taking it into "ole" time
86' - Keith Gretzky can't be happy about this
89' - Can hear individual conversations at Commonwealth Stadium
90+ - Final whistle echoes through the stands putting FC Edmonton out of it's misery
　
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 3
　
Aron Winter couldn't have written a better introduction to The NutCan. The manager was able to rotate much of the squad while grabbing three valuable away goals. FC Edmonton showed some very workmanlike qualities early on and TFC indeed had some trouble breaking them down, but the difference in divisional class did show as the game wore on. The controversial red card changed the face of the match but TFC always looked like leaving Commonwealth with a win. The big three goal tally means Winter can put a very rotational squad out for the home leg next week as The Monties will be hard-pressed to score four at BMO Field. In the end, a win that TFC supporters wanted and a welcome addition of some lethal form to finish off a wounded opponent.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Ty Harden 6 / Dicoy Williams 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Tony Tchani 6 / Maicon Santos 7 / Oscar Cordon 6 / Mikael Yourassowsky 6.5 / Alan Gordon 7 / Joao Plata 7 / SUBS: Dan Gargan 6 / Jacob Peterson 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Eddy Sidra? He was briefly a Red!
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Canadian. Sparsely populated. Fair result.

THE MATCHUP: FC Edmonton wants oily hands all over our NutCan

Hands off our sweet NutCan!

FC EDMONTON VS. TORONTO FC

NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
SEMI-FINAL - 1ST LEG
　
COMMONWEATH STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO / WEST
　
Very rarely does Toronto FC go into a match as the "reigning" anything but as the 2011 Nutrilite Canadian Championship (NutCan to its friends) kicks off, The Reds look to add their two concurrent trophies. With the lush reward of a CONCACAF Champions League berth for the winner, The NutCan is a valuable little tournament which has expanded to four clubs with the inclusion of FC Edmonton. With the additional club, the format has changed to a knockout style with home-and-home legs which delivers TFC to Alberta on Wednesday.
　
The debutant FC Edmonton have just started their first season in the NASL and have shown some decent quality early. The core of the club has been playing together for a number of months and have tried to instil a similar "Dutch-style" as is being attempted in Toronto. Dutchman and former Eredivsie pro Harry Sinkgraven manages Edmonton onto the cavernous Commonwealth Stadium pitch, attempting to find long-term solidity in a town where the likes of the Drillers, Brickmen and Aviators have come and gone.
　
For Toronto FC, The NutCan may represent the club's only chance at finding glory in 2011. In the midst of an admitted major rebuild, Aron Winter would be wise not to underestimate the importance of this tournament to TFC's supporters. While most fans would see the need for some squad rotation - on the back of Columbus and with Seattle on the near horizon - The Reds are in no position to be fielding entire B-Squads. Anything less than another trophy in 2011 will be considered a failure.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Driller Thriller"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
FC EDMONTON: Alex Surprenant, Rein Baart, Chris Kooy
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Tony Tchani, Oscar Cordon
　
THE ODDS
- Higher number of hot dog vendors than fans at Commonwealth: 8-1
- Conservative Party to rescind any points TFC gains in Alberta: 10-1
- With duelling Dutch managers - Belgian slurs to number in hundreds: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- NASL new boys FC Edmonton were named after a "Name The Club" competition picked FCE over two other entrants: Brickmen Rovers and PSV Oilhaven
- In an attempt to mimic the Whitecaps' Nash brothers popularity, FC Edmonton tried to sign Keith Gretzky during the off-season
- Commonwealth Stadium officials have tried to downplay fears over a rough pitch by promising to fill the giant divots with run-off from the Alberta Tar Sands
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH
"Commonwealt Shtadium ish for Eshkimoshe not footbalsh"
　
OILERS SAY: 1-0 Edmonton
SPOILERS SAY: 2-0 Toronto
HEADLINE: "NUTCAN FEVER GRIPS DOZENS AT COMMONWEALTH STADIUM"

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Vancouver... or The cashews are gone and all we have left is this NutCan

If there's such a thing as a "Calgarian Shiekh Oil Baron" then it's only a matter of time...

Wooooooo! Eat it Guelph! F*ck you Estevan! Cry more Iqaluit! Canadian Champions!
It's currently 6pm EDT, or "sometime between tokes" for you out-westerners, and it's a bonnie sunny Glasgow evening here in Toronto (meaning "drizzlin' piss"). Not that I'm a weather watcher, but I'd like to point out that this is the 5th game where it was scheduled to rain, and likely the 4th where it will actually do so. I hate the rain.

TFC had the audacity to inform the supporters that we have the possibility of "Toronto FC Academy players appearing in a Toronto FC match for the first time!" which translates to me as hooker and vodka party at Usanov's place DeRo's staying home and Vanilla Peterson is in charge of half-time orange slices. The perks keep coming and coming...

Predictions : Vancouver [(minutes played by TFCA players * 0.2)/45 minutes], Toronto [(number of TFC regulars who play any amount of time * 0.65)]

Yeah, it's math. What... don't read this blog with that look on your face?!
Anyways...
3' - Nane Joseph is at the wrong end of a challenge which leaves him kicking his legs on the ground like a 4 yr old being told he can't have a box of smarties while going through the grocery store checkout. Yeah, it was a long-winded metaphor, but it was accurate. It would've been completely comical had he been on the other team or...

4' - SUB - Joseph out, Usanov in. I guess he was hurt badly enough.
Still looked funny. Sorry.

9' - Usanov chases a ball out of bounds, sliding right into the boarding. Somehow, not hurt and ankles still work. Remarkable. Good hustle.

Tonight, your Yorkies present the newest game sensation that's sweeping the red nation

"Who the F*ck is That?"

Our first contestant is wearing #30 and is in goal, please give a warm round of applause to TFC signee, and Serbian White Eagles loanee, Milos Kocic!

Wearing #26, TFC Academy player Doniel Henry is playing centre back-ish.

At #35, your "The Chad" understudy, centre forward Allando Matheson.

We'll be back with more as the game progresses.

19' - Haber gets loose from TFC defenders and has a go just over the bar. This guy is quality.

22' - Vancouver free kick swings beautifully wide with Tsiskaridze just getting his foot to is and shanking it over the bar. I know it was a miss, but Vancouver tends to play a style of football where you catch yourself holding your breath ever so slightly on the chance that their crazy-ass attempt works. And you know it does.

27' - Ibrahim traps a ball on his chest, turns, and then skies the ball. Oh Ibby...

32' - RED - Marcus Haber does TFC a favour by going late studs up tackle. He doesn't look like he's protesting too much either.

Quote of the Match
Vancouver looks to be reverting to Italian formation...
~ Alex on Vancouver's apparent 7-1-1 styling

35' - Ibrahim gets absolutely hammered in a tackle resulting in a Vancouver booking. Probably a physical warning for Ibby's rehashing of a 10 yr old on a slip-n-slide for the last 10 minutes. Sorry Ibby, but I'd have tackled you too for what you were pulling.

38' - YELLOW - Henry for, um, something... probably deserved it.

39' - Gala fights off two defenders... and gives up a free kick? Couldn't see anything on the replay that would've made him innocent. Meh.

42' - Henry hip-checks Tsiskaridze sending him spinning right round (like a record, baby, right round...)

44' - Tsiskaridze jukes and cuts a cute pass to Davies who pops a shot 16 yds out prompting Kocic to make a very good leaping palm save.

3 minutes of added time

45' - Ensuing free kick was f'ing embarrassing. If I got the name, I'd out him for being total crap.

45+2' - Ibrahim breaks in and has a weak shot 20 yds out. Easy save for Nolly, but WTF was Matheson playing 5 yds offside while the shot was taken? I didn't get it.

HALF-TIME MOOD : soaked, unimpressed and in dire need of a roof on the south stand.

45' - SUB - de Guzman out,...

Welcome back to

Who the F*ck is That?

Making his way into the game, a TFC Academy forward, #29 Nicholas Lindsay

52' - Hščanovičs doesn't push up while Gala is getting pressure in the left corner, but somehow profited when the coughed up ball ended up at his feet. Ensuing cross went errant.

53' - Lindsay gets free and at 5 yrds out curls the ball around the post. I'd like to say something poignant like "welcome to the big leagues, kid" but that's stupid and clichéd... so how about "What in the fu... oh, Academy player? Nevermind. Good try!"

66' - SUB - Matheson out, DeRo in. I guess Preki doesn't want this to be a glorified scrimmage after all. For excitement's sake, he should've come on at half-time too.

78' - Gala first cross fails. Gets a second opportunity and the ball is hauled in by Nolly. I'm glad he's trying to pass it.

83' - Hščanovičs gets his first touch in what's felt like half an hour and crosses it into the box. Seriously, what did he do? If being Latvian is wrong then I don't want to be right!

85' - Hščanovičs nails Davies in a solid tackle which sends him to the ground. Knight gets on his high horse (get it!... cuz he's... yeah, sh*t pun, I know) to stick up for him.

2 minutes of extra time.

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Vancouver 0

I could do the equation prediction and figure out what the score should've been, but what would that prove? Honestly?

Man of the Match : While there wasn't much to sing about (no really), Usanov was all over the pitch, running up the right wing and doing his best to create chances and chase down balls.

Goat of the Game : Staying away from the academy players, who really weren't bad, the only one I can call out was Gala. My favourite apple has a fear of both passing forward and getting rid of the ball any time earlier than "too f'ing late". Sure he was getting closed down, but holding onto a ball 5 seconds longer than necessary would cause that. Ibby almost got this award but Gala frustrated me AS SOON AS he touched the ball.

Ref Rating : 5 out of 5. Let them play, given the state of the grass and subsequent sliding. If they're not a ref crew in MLS, then someone should take a look at'em.

OK, two prominent themes came to play tonight.

1) Hščanovičs : How is it he was the lone player in his third of the field for long periods of the game? Which third, you ask? The LEFT third. If I was a player, which I am not, the only reasonable explanation why he was getting no service that I can conjure is that Hščanovičs has a fear of running up into an offensively aggressive position for death fear of getting caught out of place. They could've used such chance-taking when Vancouver were grouping up in the middle.

2) The lop-sided imbalance that was TFC possession v. lack of quality attacking opportunities. Nevermind the red card, Toronto who controlled the ball at least 60% of the game could not get the ball anywhere near the 18 yd box. Nolly was tested sparingly. I'm willing to score this one 'too many kids' but it was alarming how anemic TFC was in the final third of the pitch. If you're wondering why there wasn't much writing in the second half (then thanks for wondering at all!) was because this was exactly how the play went for about 30 minutes of the half. Pass, pass, pass, lose ball. Pass, pass, cross, shot fired wide. I don't want to chronicle that crap.

Now that the NutCan nonsense is out of the way, bring on Amado Guevara and C.D. Motagua. I'm sure the "T.O. Reject *clap* *clap* *clap*clap*clap*" will put the boots to us, but who knows... this whole Preki thing is starting to work out and much of us here are not quite eating crow, but we're looking at it wondering how much HP sauce we will need to choke it down later.

THE MATCHUP: TFC Academy 4: NutCans On Patrol

Now that's an Academy

TORONTO FC VS. VANCOUVER WHITECAPS FC
　
BMO Field - Wednesday 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET EAST & WEST
　
The highlight of this match will be before kickoff when TFC lifts The Voyageurs Cup and celebrates its second NutCan in a row. After the whistle... maybe bring a PSP and play some FIFA. The cupless wonders from British Columbia may very well try and salvage a little face from a terrible tournament for them but Toronto has made it clear - this match doesn't matter.
　
The Reds made their intentions clear by calling up seven youngsters from TFC Academy who can potentially play in this "match" and when academies get involved - hijinks ensue! There will no doubt be a funny and suave ladies man, a guy who can make noises with his mouth, a really tall dude with a heart of gold and a gun-toting maniac in camouflage. There may be some comic trouble in the middle of the match but in the end they all become good friends and graduate. Then a hooker is placed in the podium before Preki's post-match press conference. Something like that.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Worst. Unofficial. Friendly. Ever. Derby."
　
CUPLESS & CRANKY: Doudou Toure FW, Justin Moose MF, Ricardo Sanchez MF
CUPFUL & COCKY: Fuad Ibrahim FW, Gabe Gala MF, Random Academy Player # 2,
　
THE ODDS:
- The Queen showing up in BMO Field's Royal Box for trophy presentation: 500-1
- Sportsnet's viewer ratings higher than re-run of Westminster Dog Show: 90-1
- MLSE selling "2010 Canadian Champion" t-shirts for $49.99: Evens

- Whitecaps stealing the trophy, taking it to Centre Island's yacht club only to have it rescued by squad of wacky rookie cops on jet skis: 3-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- There is still no definite scientific proof that Whitecaps' defender Justin Moose isn't fractionally part actual moose
- The Voyageurs Cup trophy comes filled to the brim with "Dale Mitchell's Homemade 7-Layer Dip" and a small bag of CSA-brand generic corn chips
- Angry fans are planning to greet the Whitecaps at Vancouver airport by throwing stale tofu and bong water at them in disgrace
- The NutCan Winner's Medal isn't just handsome but is also good for a free coleslaw at participating Swiss Chalet restaurants
　
MAHONEY SAYS: 2-1 Toronto
LT. HARRIS SAYS: 0-1 Vancouver
HEADLINE: "TFC LIFTS TROPHY - MO JOHNSTON SIGNS 10 YEAR EXTENSION"

"2-1." "No, 0-1." (Horse noise)

TFC grabs the NutCan long-distance style

"Hands off my trophy losers."

MONTREAL IMPACT 1 - VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1

To badly paraphrase Winston Churchill: "Never have eleven men done so little to gain so much"

Yes, while Toronto FC were just finishing up their weekly Wednesday night fondue party/ book club (we assume - but likely) Montreal Impact and Vancouver Whitecaps were doing "battle" (more a humid skirmish) down the 401. With L'Impact already eliminee dans le Can du Nut it was up to Vancouver to get a win and force the Canadian Championship to a final deciding match at BMO Field next week. The only question was if L'Impact would wave the white flag of surrender (think about it) as they did last year in the final against TFC.

The match was your average rough and tumble USL-style tilt with chances going both ways and technical prowess in short supply. Vancouver managed to take a 1-0 lead in the second half and seemed to have the upper hand but in no way did Montreal roll over like in 2009. L'Impact in fact turned the tide completely and found the equalizer, deflating the Whitecaps' cup dream in the process. The second half continued at a frantic and rough pace but the 1-1 draw remained, ending the match, and the NutCan ,with Toronto FC absently being awarded the trophy for 2010.

The melted cheese was no doubt spilled in excitement as TFC claimed its second straight NutCan and will head into CONCACAF Champions League. Overall, the winning of this Canadian Championship is the least climactic football award since Sheffield Wednesday beat Arsenal in the 1944 FA Cup after a spelling bee, but a win is a win. TFC will get the chance to parade the trophy at home and have a restful friendly against Vancouver next week as opposed to a hard final.

TFC got the job done in 2010 and the fact that winning in such an anti-climactic manner doesn't bother the locals shows a higher level of expectation. Winning this trophy was expected in Toronto this year, not just wanted. For most Reds supporters, Tegucigalpa, Honduras was already on the flight itinerary and getting past C.D. Motagua and into the CCL Group Stage is the new goal. Maybe no NutCan parade down Bay Street tomorrow but maybe a celebratory fondue bucket over Preki's head tonight. He seems like the happy-go-lucky type, no?