THE SOUTH STOOL REPORT - Kansas City v Toronto... or Why Not Let The Refs Have a Go?

So we're out at an unnamed pub with Vocal Minority Podcast celebrity and host @kzknowles celebrating her something-teenth anniversary of her 25th birthday, having a few wobbly pops and watching a few wobbling defenses. Sure we're optimistic, but reality can be such a silly beast.

Onto the match!
 
17 -  PENALTY - Jackson took out someone in the box.  I guess it is,  but it's weak. 

17 - GOAL - Dwyer converts
REFS 1, ROBINS 0

32 - PENALTY - Henry hauls down someone in the box which, regardless if it is or isn't a penalty, typically leads to...

32 - GOAL - Dwyer converts
REFS 2, ROBINS 0

45 - GOAL - counter attack has Oduro on the wing slots a ball through to Gilberto who takes a touch then SIDE STEPS THE BALL AND BACK HEELS IT IN LIKE A SUPERSTAR.  Fantastic.
REFS 2, COMETS 1, ROBINS 1

64 - GOAL - Saed takes a cross,  half volley and buried it from the top of the box
REFS 2, COMETS 1, ROBINS 1

71 - Jackson damn you...  Beautiful 1-2 then dances around a defender to present a 3 man break and instead of passing to a wide open Osorio and Moore he goes for a shot and gets stopped by the keeper.

74 - SUB - Oduro off for Lovitz

77 - GOAL - Sapong gets on the end of a cross and taps it in.  No chance for Bendik
REFS 2, COMETS 2, ROBINS 1

78 - SUB - Dike makes his return from long term injury to replace Moore

Quote of the Match

I think they're gonna lose

~ Roz with biting commentary

83 - SUB - Bradley off for Bekker

FULL TIME : KANSAS CITY 4, TORONTO 1

Man of the Match : GOALberto.  Ol' Gil's FIFA 14-esque finish was just so pretty.  Too bad it overshadowed the result.

Though we here at The Yorkies "pride" ourselves on our "journalism" and "integrity", but we felt that both penalties were suspect. We are not refs, even though on multiple occasions we're sure we could do the MLS officials' job with little preparation or fitness, but we like to think we have a grasp on the game.

That being said, it was understood that a penalty was awarded not for any foul in the box, but rather a foul that impeded a goal scoring opportunity.  So if I had just pushed the ball towards out of bounds nowhere near goal and I was taken down on a tackle, it wouldn't be a penalty.  Perhaps a free kick in the box? Typically the calls made for penalties are legitimate goal-scoring opportunities and not for what happened twice in this match. I am willing to understand what exactly these nuances are, and what separates from a penalty or a foul.

Regardless of Toronto were poor (which they were at points), but I felt that at least one of those penalties were uncalled for and that a strong argument could be made for neither.  Being two-nil down and then having to mount a comeback seems unnecessary.  Those first two goals truly belonged to the officials.  KC just happened to be the benefactors.  Toronto deserved the result but didn't deserve to go out like that.

Player Rating : Bendik 6, Jackson 5.5, Hagglund 6, Henry 6, Morrow 6, Oduro 6.5, Warner 6, Bradley 6 [Bekker N/A], Osorio 6 [Lovitz N/A], Gilberto 6.5, Moore 6 [Dike 10 just for coming back]

THE MATCHUP: We could be Royals

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO FC
SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN 2

FACTS* AND STATS**
SPORTING KANSAS CITY
- 7: Amount of days since a Sporting player has violently vomited on the pitch during a match.
- Part of Matt Besler and Graham Zusi's lucrative new DP contracts includes large swathes of actual Kansas.
- It is tremendous fun to yell "SAL ZIZZO" while using a stereotypical Italian-American accent.
- 97: How American Jacob Peterson is on a scale of 1-10
- SKC defender Chance Myers is not in the MLS Top 25 in chances. Irony.
- Soony Saad is actually a very happy person.
- Former Kansas City Wizards great Maurice Johnston will not be honoured before this match.

TORONTO FC
- 3: Number of letters difference between "contenders" and "pretenders".
- Opposition physios have put in orders for extra bandages, splints and ice packs to prepare for the imminent return of Bright Dike.
- 0.7: Average amount of times TFC supporters have complained about Justin Morrow this season.
- Quillan Roberts has been recalled from Wilmington to aid Warren Creavalle's attempt to form a "Cameo" cover-band.
- 1.3: Dwayne De Rosario sightings per month.
- 4: Souvlaki skewers eaten by Mark Bloom at "Taste of The Danforth" before complaining of "tzatziki headache".
- Jermain Defoe is leading MLS in emotional halftime reunions.
　
*Maybe
**Possibly

THE STARTING 11: Wasted puns due to Sporting Kansas City's re-branding

Wait for it...

From a football league point of view, we think the re-branding job done by Saturday's opponent Sporting Kansas City was aces. Any time a MLS club shakes their former roller hockey nickname, an angel gets his wings. Looking at you Impact. That being said, the rainbow madness that was Kansas City Wiz/Wizards was always such a nice pun-filled bonus for blog hacks like us. Fixtures against the ex-Wiz now see great/awful punmeat like so go wasted...

11. "Reds hit tough spell"

10. "There's no plays like at home"

9. "Waste the rainbow!"

8. "A cauldron of sh*t"

7. "Up the Wizard's sleeve"

6. "You shall not pass! Or score!"

5. "Wiz all over us"

4. "S-Orr-cery" / "Orr-lock"

3. "MLSE finds pot of gold... under beer stand"

2. "Bumbledorks"

1. "Bored of the Rings"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Kansas City... Or this is gonna hurt bad, isn't it?

Typically these reports have a pinch of optimism.  Be it for Chad "The Chad" Barrett, Gilberto or even Nick Soolsma. It is a drive to find light in a perpetual shitstorm of regular performances.  And lately the reports have had equalish measure optimism and pessimism. I read that was "real journalism" somewhere.

But Sporting KC Wiz...  ugh.  I wish I had the patience to follow other sides closely to get a better understanding what makes them who they are, but Sporting KC Wiz seem to be relentless. Pick up underachieving and turn them into all-stars. amend then there's depth: Legoman Nielsen retires, and the new kid Gruenbaum is outstanding.  When RSL comes to town with injuries, I think "we got me!  3 points!".  Sporting Kansas City Wiz could show up with a B side and I'd be hopeful for a draw.

It'll all be over soon enough I suspect. As long as it doesn't rain.

8' - Oduro lays a pretty ball along the ground in front of goal but no one there.  Ensuing corner finds Hagglund's head but sails just over the bar.

16' - GOAL - Ball slotted through to find Jackson just on side, dances around Gruenbaum and buries it.
ROBINS 1, COMETS 0

22' - well that was an 8 second flurry.  Gilberto gets hauled down 2 yards outside the box, no call. Toronto picks up the ball quickly and Oduro puts another pretty low ball onto a lunging Hagglund who rifles off the post.  While agonizing over the near goal,  Oduro still hands on head, misses the rebound as it's rolling just behind him.   A Vine would have been easier.

32' - YELLOW - Jackson gets booked for retaliation on a tackle, clearly testing out the double standard.

33' - Oduro slides it into the post.   That's two.

34' - YELLOW - Morrow gets booked for a challenge.  Gotta protect the camps I guess, right Unkle Ted?

44' - YELLOW - Oduro for something

45' - YELLOW - Henry for wearing red.

Half Time Mood : not too bad

47' - GOAL - Zusi left wide left of goal,  gets the ball and puts it past Bendik.
ROBINS 1, COMETS 1
60' - Gilberto gets the ball on the right,  crosses to the opposite side to find Jackson whose first touch is right at Gruenbaum. Big rebound but no second attempt.

66' - Jackson should be on pace for a hat trick at this point as at the doorstep he pops the ball over the bar 2 yards out.

69'- inconsistent officiating as Oduro gets shirt tugged from behind.  Only a yellow.

72' - YELLOW - Bradley gets booked for a terrible non-call on Jackson and goes off on the idiot in Yellow.

80' - GOAL -  Goddamn Jacob Peterson
ROBINS 1, COMETS 2

80' -  SUB -  Osorio in for Warner

82' -  SUB - DeRo in for Orr.  Guess we're going for it...

89' - Bradley has a go from the edge of the box and fires it just wide.

5 mins of extra time

90+2 - Oduro in a long cross can get his foot on it as it goes wide.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 1, KANSAS CITY 2

Man of the Match : Jackson had a helluva match.  Should've had a pile but to no avail.

Goat of the Game : Ted Unkle (see below)

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  Ted was terrible.  Like Toledo terrible.  He gets a 1 as someone on Kansas City earned a second yellow which is shocking all things considered. No one is ever going to confuse the level of officiating in this league for world class.

Kit Spotting : a couple of Olympiakos kits.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I'd get another forward for the bench.

If You PVR'd It : watch the first goal and then catch up to the first card to watch the embarrassment unfold.

I gotta give it up to Nelson, he went for it as soon as they went down one.  Converted to a 3-5-2 and all out attack.  Far from flawless execution but it is what it is.

Toronto earned a point and arguably the win. It was a shame that the ref had such an adverse effect on the game.  Sure Oduro and Jackson could have had their goals with the opportunities presented to the but it doesn't change how the ref's bias and inconsistent foul calling can mess with a teams head.  We were certain Nelson was at the very least going to be booked by the end of the match as he was losing his shit before the half.

I would like to know what the solution is for the officials' low quality of output.  I want the refs to have respect for their ability to call a match.  The officials formed a union to earn them better wages, which I'm all for.  Can the league not loan them out to other leagues?  Bundesliga 3 and we'll pay the refs for 2 months of training,  instruction and game experience?  Scotland division 1? Blue Square?  Anywhere?  The league needs to fix this.  Either import talent or export training.

Fun fact : you can get into the ground with a PDF on your smart phone. Confirmed it can be done.  Brilliant.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6.5, Hagglund 6.5, Orr 6 [De Rosario N/A], Henry 7, Morrow 6, Jackson 7, Warner 6 [Osorio N/A], Bradley 6, Oduro 7, Moore 6.5, Gilberto 6.5

@ignirtoq felt like he was on an emotional rollercoaster, between ticket drama, having KC on the ropes and the seeing Peterson bag the winner, so unfair.  To make it worse, there were plans afoot to debut some new kits of our own that would have surely got some dirty looks.  Maybe next season as they'll arrive on Monday.

THE MATCHUP: Waste the Rainbow

TORONTO VS. SPORTING KC
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Wizard's Sleeve"

FACTS* & STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 2: Number of eyeballs used by Michael Bradley to give opponent withering, emasculating stare down.
- 93% of Toronto-area Benfica supporters have an irrational hatred of Sporting KC.
- 3,212: Amount of scarves still "held up high" during national anthems.
- 68% of things are still Mo Johnston's fault.
- Saturday's match is also "Soviet Union Heritage Night" just to get on Jacob Peterson's tits.
- 50% of clubs in this fixture remember Preki fondly.
- 28: Approximate number of "Wiz", "Wizards" or "rainbow" mentions in our post-match report. Dependable.

SPORTING KANSAS CITY
- 2nd Place in the East Sporting KC have played 43 more matches than TFC so far this season. Games in hand.
- 830,000: Amount of unwanted yellow "Livestrong" rubber bracelets buried under Sporting Park.
- Aurelien Collin is a full 5/8ths more annoying than your garden variety Frenchman.
- 110%: How American Jacob Peterson is.
- Sal Zizzo leads the league in the "Player Who Should Open a Pizzeria after Retirement" category.
- 14: Fluid ounces vomited on the pitch this season by Igor Juliao. Gross.
- Sporting manager Peter Vermes has once again been handed the prestigious "Coach with a Name you Expect to Hear on a Creepy TV News Story" by his peers.

　
*Maybe
**Possibly

AFTER 90: Heart in the Heartland

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO
SPORTING PARK

FIRST HALF:
1' - It promises to be a fantastic match tonight as Jermain Defoe and his Toronto FC mates travel to the Midwest to face MLS Champio-----------

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR INTERNET MACHINE SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS. THIS WWW PAGE AND ITS LEFTY PINKO PRO-HEALTHCARE, ANTI-AWESOME VIEWS HAS BEEN COMMANDEERED BY THE 'KEEP NORTH AMERICA AMERICAN FOUNDATION'. INSTEAD OF READING ABOUT EUROPEAN FANCY-PANTS SOCCER YOU WILL INSTEAD BE TREATED TO A SUPERSIZE COMBO OF AWESOME PROOF THAT NORTH AMERICA WAS INVENTED BY AMERICA - AS APPROVED BY THE SWEET BABY JESUS AND OUR LEADER

JAY "CUB" PETERS. SON!

 

 END TRANSMISSION.

--------------------cleared down the wing and into touch.
90'+ - Well what else can really be said about this match? Wow!

FT: SPORTING KC 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS:
Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 5 (Doneil Henry 4) / Nick Hagglund 5.5 / Justin Morrow 6 / Alvaro Rey 5 (Luke Moore 6.5)/ Kyle Bekker 4.5 (Dan Lovitz 5)/ Bradley Orr 6.5 / Collen Warner 5.5 / Gilberto 6 / Jermain Defoe 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

THE MATCHUP: Friday Night Blights

#Hamstrong

 

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO FC
SPORTING PARK - FRIDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Can TFC knock off two "Beats of the East" in a row?
- Just how depleted will Sporting's defence actually be?
- Will vengeful Jermain Defoe still be a thing?
- Does Ryan Nelsen choose to rest any starters with the Canadian Championship Final 1st Leg next Wednesday?
- When will the wild success of re-branded Sporting KC lead to another heartland MLS franchise in the form of Boise Benfica?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Churrasco"

THE DUEL:
Dom Dwyer vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
After the Lance Armstrong backed Livestrong foundation lost favour post-doping crisis, Sporting Kansas City pulled the name "Livestrong Park" as their ground's title. This of course leaves a gaping hole in the MLS/charity community but one that TFC has decided to fill.

With their rash of one particular injury, The Reds will begin selling rubber wristbands to combat the silent killer: hamstrings. Instead of the Livestrong yellow, TFC's #Hamstrong wristbands will be bacon streak coloured and are guaranteed not to snap for 6-8 weeks.

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
MAY 23, 2011: Panic ensued on TFC's flight back from Colorado when flight crew believed that defender Adrian Cann had dynamite hidden under his shirt. It was resolved when Cann proved that the only "dynamite" he was packing were his fourteen ab muscles. 

 

Fagundez!

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #Nelsenbating
Do you find yourself saying "I like reading this slightly football-related stupidity but boy do I wish I could stick it in my earhole"? Well now you can!

In this week's episode, The Yorkies' Mark leaves the The Yorkies' Tony all alone to face the Waking The Red duo Duncan and Kristin. There's less singing but way more swearing; Kristin makes an impossible bet with another TFC podcast; Tony shakes his fist at an Arsenal-shaped cloud and we all give generously to the "Carl Robinson Kids' Appeal".

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and get ready to be unmazed! FAGUNDEZ!

While you’re at it – you should really visit Waking The Red (In our Links Section). They actually write serious TFC stuff. Yeah… we don’t know why either but it’s so choice. DOUBLE FAGUNDEZ!

"The Power of Kreis Compels Us!" 18 Observations from the 18th MLS Cup

Oooh shiny!

 

As a Toronto FC supporters' website, we do not have any legal obligation to write about the MLS Cup. Or playoffs. Or winning records. Or hope. Actually we're not responsible for much aside from the latest on Raivis Hscanovics "War on Vowels".

Despite that, we didn't want to ignore what is a tasty MLS Cup Final. Two good clubs named after clubs from the Iberian Peninsula playing in conditions similar to the Siberian Peninsula. We will leave the actual football reporting to the usual suspects (You come here for stats? Weirdo.) but will instead look into the deeper story. Those little observations that you may have missed on TV but which will make Sporting Kansas City vs. Real Salt Lake one of the eighteen best MLS Cup Finals of all time!

- This is reportedly the coldest MLS Cup Final of all time, eclipsing the Toronto-hosted final of 2010. Great. Toronto had one measly MLS playoff record and we couldn't even hold on to that. Sonfabitch.
- Over 1500 Real Salt Lake supporters at the match today. Officially the largest amount of people to leave Utah en masse since the whole Osmond Family went on tour in 1978. Fact.
- Sporting KC 'keeper Jimmy Nielsen went back to his native Denmark for reconstructive shoulder surgery. His rotator cuff is now 78% Lego.
- Real American patriot/xenophobia sufferer Jacob Peterson threatened to boycott today's match. The SKC midfielder was disgusted that a "Sporting" and a "Real" were competing for what he calls the "All-USA Soccer Trophy Championship". Then he makes a gunshot noise with his mouth.
- If Sporting Park is the "Rolls Royce" of MLS Stadiums, that makes BMO Field a hobo's boxcar.
- The King of Utah is not in attendance. Nor the Wizard of Oz. There was a false alarm on a munchkin sighting but it was Joao Plata doing warm-ups.
- Many fans were taken aback by Don Garber's "organized crime boss" outfit during halftime. In defence of the league boss, he is on his way to his local community theatre production of "Chicago (Fire)". And all that jazz.
- Garber was waxing lyrical once-again about a potential future MLS winter schedule. Club owners in attendance at the frigid match were heard to say "Ummm... yeah... fuck that shit."
- Kyle Beckerman's dreadlocks were gently placed in a slow-cooker - rented from a local Kansas BBQ joint - during halftime in order to thaw out his "Realstafarian" hair-do.
- Benny Feilhaber's Ron Burgundy moustache has become the least successful "Anchorman 2" cross-promotion since Will Ferrell appeared on a TSN curling broadcast.
- Tim Leiweke just promised TFC fans they would be in the MLS Cup in the next 30 days. Likely.
- It is an awful lot of fun to say "Zusi" really slowly.
- Kyle Beckerman having a dominant 2nd Half. He must think it's white boy day. (Locker room video)
- Alvaro Saborio and Aurelien Collin have both found the scoresheet tonight. And they say nice guys finish last! {SARCASM FONT}
- League releases tie-breaker format: Extra Time; Penalty Kicks; Slam Dunk Contest; Karaoke showdown; Former Wizards Preki & Mo Johnston vs. Karl Malone & John Stockton mud wrestling extravaganza.
- Teal Bunbury is still a massive twat.
- Penalty kicks are a cruel way to crown a "champion" in football after 9 months.
- MLS entertained us more than any match from Europe today. Now let's get our re-build on. Again.

SPORTING KC 1 - REAL SALT LAKE 1
(SKC WINS 7-6 ON PENALTY KICKS)

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Kansas City... or budget officiating strikes again

OK close your eyes.

Sorry, this is a blog. Pretend that you closed your eyes. Imagine if every other #TFCMajorAnnouncement resulted in a decent player acquisition... this side would have a bench. Instead we are reading and reporting and analyzing executive moves. New GM, new coach, new President, sack the GM, hire new GM. You'd think supporters were supposed to give a shit about the executive. We just wanna see good football staffed with talented footballers. Not too concerned with the how.

I'm sure in 6 months there will be ten new names on the backs of shirts. 

In the meantime, we go through the motions of winding down. Handful of matches left against superior sides and one against DC [Sick burn. ~Ed.]. 

So in light of the steady rain, I didn't even bother to write some notes. So point form of what I remember.  

• Sapong unmarked at the end of a cross, heads it past a helpless Bendik. ROBINS 0, COMETS 1 
• Collin is a wank and gets booked
• Collin can't control a pass from Legoman Nielsen, Rey poaches it, lays it off to Russell who one touches it and buries it from the edge of the top of the box. ROBINS 1, COMETS 1
• Collin makes a bad tackle on Rey and should be sent off, but the ref and linesman collaborate to blow that call. 
• Sapong unmarked at the end of a cross, heads it past a helpless Bendik, part two. ROBINS 1, COMETS 2
• Caldwell gets a straight red card for something 
• Collin ties up Braun in the air during a 93rd minute cross and no call.

Full Time : TORONTO 1, KANSAS CITY 2

Man of the Match : Darel Russell because he's got a more confident finish than Wiedeman 

Goat of the Game : If your job entailed marking Sapong then your name goes here. Also, Collin is a moron.

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  The officiating was so unbalanced it's difficult to think 

this idiot was impartial. Also, if there is a ref bias against Toronto, I don't see why they'd spend the effort. They're bad and if the visitors need the help then they're shit too. 

Poncho Spotting : damn it was wet...

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I'd be booking that meeting with the new GM for right after the press conference. 2 forwards, 2 midfielders and 2 backs.  And a roof.

Very comfortable in declaring that Kansas City is my most hated team. Neilsen, Collin, Peterson, and Teal Bunbury, stupid pajama looking kits and bad pseudo-Euro name rebranding. Also they're stadium is gorgeous with a roof!... Announced attendance was 12,000 which is getting closer to the truth of the 8,000 that were there... I picture Wiedeman following Russell around the training ground all week in hopes that he'll show him the secrets of doing fewer than six touches to settle the ball... Osorio deserved the two games. I like spirited challenges but that was careless and dangerous. Thumbs down on the league for waiting so long to pass judgement... man, a roof would be sooooo fancy right about now... @DuncanDFletcher gave me a killer one liner about Peterson before kick off, but I forgot it. It was gold. Trust me...  Dike was invisible today. Is it fair to assume that Osorio was the one that involved him in the game? 

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Morgan 6, Henry 6, Caldwell 6.5, Bloom 6, Hall 5.5 [Bekker N/A], Rey 7 [Lambe N/A], Convey 6.5, Russell 7, Dike 5.5, Wiedeman 6 [Braun N/A]

@ignirtoq would've liked to write more, but was soaked beyond everything.  Stupid weather and then the rain stopped AND the sun came out after nearly 24 hours of fog and misery.  Wanted to engage in post-match pints but preferred dry clothes instead.

THE MATCHUP: Wiz-zing all over the future

"And scoring is totally out of the question Toronto!"

 

TORONTO VS. KANSAS CITY

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

THE KICKABOUT:
Back on March 9th, TFC began its journey through Season 7 at SkyDome (Soon to be future home of TFC while they retrofit BMO for the Argos. Just sayin'.) against these very same Sporting Kansas Cities. It was a bright start with our Eff Cee's recording a 2-1 win but as the long season continued, the two clubs went their separate ways. The deep Sporting now boast 13 wins and are 3rd in the East, a vastly more developed team than the 4-win Reds who only avoid the East basement due to D.C. United's craptitude.

The different direction for these clubs isn’t limited to the table however. Back in 2007 the Kansas City Wizards were a joke of a club being forced to move from an NFL stadium into a minor-league baseball park. TFC meanwhile were the darlings of MLS - a "real" football club in a soccer-specific stadium. Fast forward less than a decade and the re-branded Sporting boast raucous support, a solid on-field product and the finest football-only stadium in North America. TFC has two Tims, a Kiwi and are drawing up plans for the CFL.

Don't let MLSE know that the "Wizards" nickname is now available as well.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The PrekiMo Invitational"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Mark Bloom, Bright Dike, Jonathan Osorio
KANSAS CITY: Claudio Bieler, Jimmy Nielsen, C.J. Sapong

THE ODDS:
New TFC GM Tim Bezbatchenko's thoughts during match:
- "We've got a decent young core.": 50-1
- "There is much work ahead.": 10-1
- "Well, at least a CFL team doesn't play here. What? They are? When? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.": 2-1

WHO ARE YA?
By constantly saying he "won't rule out" the Argos move to BMO Field, Tim Leiweke is showing off his MLSE money-boner to anyone with eyes. It's inevitable as the RONA ads soon to be gracing the BMO Field pitch. What we weren't aware of is the great admiration Leiweke and MLS had for Kansas City Wizards when they used to play at the minor league baseball CommunityAmerica Ballpark.

Proving that an MLS club could play in those conditions has not only emboldened the owners to butcher BMO Field for the CFL but the ground will also soon be home to the Canadian Olympic Field Hockey Team, the Toronto-Area Gaelic Hurling League, a permanent training facility for GraveDigger the Monster Truck, harness horse racing, a community vegetable garden and a full oval stock car racing track around the new CFL-size playing surface. Not to worry though TFC fans... it will be intimate.

Promise. xoxo

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS OFF TO BE THE WIZARDS"
 

SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Kansas City v Toronto... or 'Transfer Request' edition

Seriously, what the hell.  Now O'Dea wants out?  This club would make an amazing case study in sports mismanagement and dysfunction.  I mean if we could get the unedited version of the story.  Or the book.  C'mon, wouldn't the tell-all book be fantastic?  "The Successful Failure Machine" is my working title.  Last third of the book can be transfers alone.

This weekend has been a veritable PR clusterfuck. I'm sure their doctors of spin have just as easily packed it in until Monday and decided to let loose.  Probably have a drinking game to wash away the pain.

Onto the match.

6' - I'm starting a rumour that Weideman has just requested to be transferred to a better side.  Only interest has been generated from German 6th division side TeBe Berlin to meet the criteria.

15' - commentator mentions about O'Dea being sent home requesting a transfer.  Take a drink.

22' - Brockie gets two chances against the Lego Man Nielsen' stops both.  Unlucky.

23' - GOAL - feed took a poop, Sporting scored. Damn.
COMETS 1, ROBINS 0

28' - commentator postulates whether Nelsen is the right man for the job.  Take a drink.

32' - Laba coughs up the ball, KC counter, Bendik makes a great stop then yells at Eckersley for being out of position.

44' - YELLOW - Brockie gets booked for a tackle from behind

45' - SUB - Hall is coming on for Richter to start the second half

49' - Bendik makes another critical save one-on-one.  Take a drink.

51' - GOAL - Saad picks up the rebound from the save by Bendik and poor Joe can't save them all.  Its his second apparently.
COMETS 2, ROBINS 0

56' - RED - Oh Reggie.  Lambe has a late tackle from behind go at Saad and there isn't much contact but it was a reckless attempt.

60' - SUB - Earnshaw makes way for Braun who will likely be loaned to Chivas on Wednesday for just the second half.

64' - GOAL - tic-tac-toe and Bieler finishes the dismantling of the Toronto back four.
COMETS 3, ROBINS 0

68' - commentator mentions about O'Dea being sent home requesting a transfer.  Take a drink.

76' - Caldwell and Bendik have a rather animated discussion trying to clear up who's ball it was to clear after Caldwell hammered it out for a corner.

77' - Collin heads in a ball after some pinball from the cover but the refs erroneously called it offside.

78' - SUB - Thomas comes on for Laba

81' - Vanilla Peterson comes on for Kansas City.  TFC faithful will remember him for having a spot on the roster, maybe playing a few times unremarkably

86' - commentator mentions about O'Dea being sent home requesting a transfer.  Take a drink.

Full Time: Kansas City 3, Toronto 0

Man of the Match: Bendik

Goat of the Game: so much general lack of quality, it would be easier to simply say 'not Bendik'

Ref Rating: 4 out of 5.  Screwed up minor calls on each side.  Well done.

I Am Not The Gaffer But...: if I was, I'd ask everyone to avoid bothering me with transfer requests until I'm finished having a good cry.  Perhaps wonder if QPR need an aging full back?  Wonder if there is a deity worth praying to?  See if there are tickets to the Tony Robbins motivational speaking engagement still available?

I just don't feel like putting anything here.  Just when the stability was here, a chunk of defenders up and leave (and 'stability' is used rather loosely).

Player Ratings: Bendik 6.5, Richter 5.5 [Hall 5.5], Agabossoumonde 5.5, Caldwell 6, Eckersley 5.5, Lambe 4, Laba 5.5 [Thomas N/A], Russell 5, Convey 5.5, Earnshaw 6 [Braun N/A], Brockie 6

Like some of you, @ignirtoq watched the game in its entirety and still can't imagine how he sat through it all.  He would like to recommend Pacific Rim as a solid action movie with pretty scenes, giant mechs fighting giant monsters and a 'meh' plot.

THE MATCHUP: Off to flee the Wizards

"And you definitely shall not score!"

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO FC

SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: THE SCORE aka SPORTSNET 360

THE KICKABOUT:
What better way to face one of the finest teams in the league and their daunting home record than with a ridiculously understaffed squad? Oh hey Toronto FC, didn't see you there.

Fresh off of transferring their only actual attacking midfield option to D.C. United (for a journeyman to be named later) and with two injury-crocked veteran strikers in tow, your Tee Eff Cees will likely be dabbling in the football sorcery known as "Extreme Bunkering". Throw in missing internationals and the general ReggieLambeness of the current TFC squad and it becomes clear that a smash-and-grab is the only chance at points in Kansas. Fun.

It's not all doom and gloom though L'il EffCeemaniacs... we have been assured that new "talent" is on the way! Just let TFC management filter "PLAYERS OVER 34"; "FREE TRANSFER"; "AVAILABLE FOR LOAN" and "ENGLISH CHAMPIONSHIP OR LOWER" on their office copy of "Football Manager 2011" and all will be revealed.

Did we mention that the Roma friendly tickets are now on public sale? Distraction noodle!

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Wizard's Sleeve"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SPORTING KC: Claudio Bieler, Benny Feilhaber, Graham Zusi
TORONTO FC: Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba, Darren O'Dea

THE ODDS:
- Ryan Nelsen opting for the revolutionary 9-1-0 formation: 10-1
- Bekker, Welshman, Laba, Henry and Morgan traded at halftime to fund acquisition of player "fans have heard of”: 5-1
- Mentions of the Roma friendly on the match broadcast outnumbering TFC shots on goal: EVENS

WHO ARE YA?
Sporting KC's Sporting Park is arguably the finest football stadium north of Mexico and a jewel in the thriving metropolis of Kansas City, Kansas. The city, founded in 1930 by powerful confectioner's union The Lollipop Guild, is a mecca of diverse cultural, artistic and intellectual communities. All of them based around barbeque. "KCK" is home to a large population of people mistaken for people with the same name in another state. The thriving industries in tornadic supplies, sorcery/hot air balloon manufacturing and munchkin technologies have led to the city being given the nickname "America's Other Kansas City of the Future"!

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "THEY COULD NOT PASS!"

Who are you dark sorcerer?!

Ginge Binge! Reds fill up on Michael Thomas... Sign Caldwell to permanent deal

Almost.

A minor addition to the Toronto FC midfield today as TFC announced that they have acquired Michael Thomas from Sporting KC in exchange for a 2nd Round Pick in the 2015 SuperDraft. Little more than a depth move, not that there's anything wrong with that, but he could at least pretend that his extra first name was Philip.

The Kansas native returned to MLS with his home-state team after a couple of years playing in Sweden but had done little to prove his value in Sporting's busy midfield. An athletic if unspectacular player, despite Kevin Payne's protestations that he's one for the future, Thomas will likely fill a hole on the bench and eat minutes during the busy "friendly season".

Thomas does add to TFC's growing "ginger" depth though which bodes well for the important marketing towards Toronto's Irish, Scottish and Viking communities. He's no Philip Michael Thomas... but hey, who really is?

"Ladies and gentleman, #88... (mumble) MICHAEL THOMAS!"




But then, just to steal the thunder from Michael Thomas' marquee signing...

TFC has handed a permanent contract to big Scottish defender Steven Caldwell through 2015. While this deal will undoubtedly be an expensive one, it is hard to diminish the improvement to the backline that Caldwell's experience has brought.

Now, to just improve the midfield and forward positions to match the pricey expectations of TFC's sudden "Million Dollar D".

"Bank of Scotland son!"



"We got a little Convey"

Well, almost a QPR kit

"Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon?" Pretty sure this is how the conversation went down between Kevin Payne and Sporting KC's front office as TFC's President traded for MLS veteran Bobby Convey earlier today.

　
While not exactly the blockbuster midfield DP that Payne was hinting at/ drumming up ticket sales with earlier this week but Convey is a fairly solid winger of the "been there-done that" MLS variety. While not the type of acquisition that will turn around the eternally sputtering club's fortunes, the ex-D.C United and Reading man is the type of workman that successful MLS clubs seem to have. A possible upgrade on the mercurial Hogan Ephraim and perhaps a challenge to the leftback role that was Ashtone Morgan's to lose and one which he has.
　
Young football fans of the GTA are hardly going to be running out to get "CONVEY" kits but if he is on form he will add some needed quality out wide. Considering the trade ballast to SKC was practically nothing there is little risk to the deal. However, Convey is on fairly hefty (MLS hefty) wages so The Reds' wage bill will now be a bit tight... pending further moves.
　
Plus, Bobby Convey used to live in Kevin Payne's basement when he was a teen so that should be good for future gags.
　
"We gonna roll this truckin' Convey 'Cross the U-S-A.!"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto vs Kansas City... or Does everyone have their name tags?

Hello, my name is Mark and I am a blogger for The Yorkies. This may be new to you, but for us, this is old hat. Why, every year we welcome almost an entirely new side to the home opener. This year's crop is almost as large as the first one. Enjoy your stay and if you play poorly, you'll get a nickname and we'll make stuff up about you. Except Usanov, he still punches everything.

Ok, the tutorial is over, time for some live footy. 

Folks, what we have is a mishmash. A pot-pourri if you will. We have no idea if this curry of footy will produce appetizing football, or the usual gruel that we've been expertly served and overcharged for the last 3 seasons. All I know is that we need time to let this gumbo stew. It can go either way but understand that mediocrity is anticipated and brilliance is hoped for. 

The match last week was a bit of an eye opener, in that it wasn't bad, but far from great. Bekker will be on his way to Blackburn Rovers in two or three years time to a solid career if game one was any indication of progress. The football was aggressive when possible, had some creativity and a solid back four. 

Starting XI

Bendik

Eckersley - O'Dea - Califf - original Morgan

Bostock - Dunfield - Hall - Lambe

Ephraim - Earnshaw

On to the match:

3' - Terry F'ing Dunfield gets a half powered attempt at goal but easily caught by Nielsen

3' - GOAL - running onto a poor clearance, Earnshaw picks it up and buries it left side
ROBINS 1, COMETS 0

Once a Bluebird escaping the dragon, now a Robin

Beautiful prose, that is.

21' - PENALTY - Bostock gets hauled down in the penalty area after making two KC defenders look pathetic

21' - GOAL - Earnshaw sends Nielsen the wrong way and calmly pots it
ROBINS 2, COMETS 0

Yeah, that's happening.

HALF TIME MOOD - bewildered. I understood the potential but we need time for the chemistry blah blah blah holy shit son!!!

53' - Califf lays a ball off to original Morgan and though his cross is deflected by a defender, the ball finds an open Lambe who pops it over the bar. Heady stuff

Quote of the Match

It sounds like I'm standing in front of Jabba's Palace and I'm the fat blue elephant

~ @theyorkies1812 on standing in front of Tribal Rhythm Nation

61' - Bendik gets bailed out by the crossbar as KC start applying pressure

77' - YELLOW - Califf goes into the books for standing up to KC for mugging Eckersley

77' - GOAL - Bieler catches the Robins defense napping as a pass flies into his path and he buries it past a helpless Bendik
ROBINS 2, COMETS 1

Oh dear...

82 - SUB - Dunfield makes way for Osorio

85' - SUB - Bostock comes off for Russell

87' - SUB - Ephraim off for Bekker

88' - goal mouth scramble... panic... panic... ahhh nooooo!... OK, everything is OK.  *sigh*

5 minutes of extra time

Wha... for what?  Idiot refs.  Is this the new scam or something?

90+4' - Bendik punches away a curling free kick.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2 - KANSAS CITY 1

Man of the Match : despite my protestations, Earnshaw did the brace and that's good enough though I felt my argument for Bostock was solid.

Goat of the Game : Lambe's feet seemed to stop working for a solid chunk of the second half.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5. They were on their way to a solid 4, but like Toronto's second half, showed signs of questionable logic.

Kit Spotting : We saw, ironically, a Blackburn Rovers one.  No, Nelsen's name wasn't on the back of it.

The game was clearly a match of two halves.  The first half was an aggressive, creative, free flowing side that had its opponents pinned down for long periods of time.  The second half was a little sloppy, a little cowardly with not much comfort on the ball under pressure.  If you PVR'd the match, you can just skip the first 35 minutes of the second half.  You're welcome.

Bostock was amazing in the first half.  He worked his ass off, took on defenders without a care as to who they were and created opportunity.  Understanding that this is only one match, the eternal optimism that gets suppressed by the years of underperforming is bursting to break through.  Hope there is this much to gush about next match.

If the right video can be procured, there is a meme which will be started by this very website involving Jimmy Nielsen.  He had not one, but two infantile and very animated tantrums.  A bunch of us were sitting around the table over a pint or two (name dropping @theyorkies1812, @kzknowles, @DuncanDFletcher and @RedWineRoz) and we talked about rivalries.  The two teams that always seem to inspire frustration and hatred for me are Dallas and KC.  There's just something about their players that just raise the ire.  Couldn't care less about Columbus, care little of Montreal or Vancouver.  Between the whining of the players, unsportsmanlike conduct with throw ins, over-pandering to the referee it just makes me want to physically harm a player in their stupid pajama-blue kits.  Nielsen needs a few open handed slaps in front of his family for his behavior.

OK, see you in Montreal next week.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Eckersley 6, O'Dea 6.5, Califf 6, original Morgan 6, Bostock 7 [Russell N/A], Dunfield 6 [Osorio N/A], Hall 6, Lambe 5.5, Ephraim 6.5 [Bekker N/A], Earnshaw 7


@ignirtoq is usually more animated during games, but less animated after them.  You get 2 pints of cider in him and he starts getting insane and a bit wobbly like an amateur.  Follow him on twitter for any reason you like.  He won't mind.  Much.

THE MATCHUP: KC at bat

Drugs are out? Aw, this match just gets worse.



TORONTO VS. SPORTING KC
　
SKYDOME - SATURDAY 1:30PM
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"The boys are back in tow-ow-ow-own!" (GUITAR RIFF!) Well in town... but a little too far to the east as the Nanny-State protects us from the evils of 7 Degree Celsius weather (or potential ice-slippage lawsuits) by "shoving" 26,000 of us into SkyDome. And yes we know it has another name but our tax dollars paid for the original one. It shall be Argostastic. Foghorn anyone?
　
If the spread-about crowd and horrendous turf weren't enough of a downer for TFC's "home" opener, then facing one of the league's best teams should bring the new-look-again Reds down to synthetic earth. This is not the rainbow clad Wiz of the Preki & Mo Johnston era but rather a balanced and pretty complete squad with strong defenders, a potent attack and a couple of local villains in Teal Bunbury and Jacob Peterson. Fun.
　
SPECIAL ALERT TO TICKET HOLDERS: Kick-off is at 1:30PM...
BE THE F*CK ON TIME!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The PrekiMo Testimonial Match"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Robert Earnshaw, Hogan Ephraim
SPORTING KC: Teal Bunbury, Claudio Bieler, Graham Zusi
　
THE ODDS:
- Preki added to SkyDome Level of Honour: 1000-1
- Mo Johnston added to SkyDome Level of Honour: 500-1
- Preki and Mo "spotted" in SkyDome Hotel window: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Sporting KC and ex-TFC midfielder Jacob Peterson may be much maligned around these parts but he's really not the redneck, raging xenophobe that some make him out to be guys. Talking to USA Still #1 Today, Peterson looked forward to returning to Toronto and visiting some of his old haunts. The Michigan-native recalled that his favourite (or favorite as he demands) spots of "Canadiana" were his old local McDonald's, a Wal-Mart, the site where American Forces invaded during the War of 1812 and the American Consulate.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"ECKS NOT BECKS NOT ZUSI"

BREAKING NEWS: Toronto FC officially announced the loan signing of Tottenham Hotspur property John Bostock. The 21-year-old midfielder could see time tomorrow if his international paperwork clears before kick-off.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Up the Stream

Paddle joke (here)

If 80's movies have taught me anything, then the last day of camp will involve Toronto FC competing in some kind of water race aboard a homemade raft. The team nerd (Dunfield?) will have equipped it with hilarious gadgets while the gang fight to beat that mean camp of hunky jocks (Sporting KC) from across the lake. The winner gets to keep their camp and get the girl (Bitchy the Hawk) - all set to a rockin' musical montage.

Alas, life is not like the 80's - if it were, Danny Koevermans would have a sweet Chris Waddle mullet - and today is just the last kick at an alarmingly quiet pre-season camp for The Reds. Ryan Nelsen is back from dodging immigration cops and will try to put a team together out of what is arguably the thinnest First Kick roster in the club's history.

With the regurgitated promise of 3 or 4 "imminent" player signings whispered quietly beneath the bellows of new crappy beer deals and reality shows, the season has crept up on a TFC that look less prepared for a MLS season than they did in November. You're dying to hear more now aren't you? Boat Race fog-horn!!!

KICK-OFF: Nothing epitomizes TFC more than the words "Consolation Final". With the "Participation" medals ready it's time to face our SkyDome brunch guests...

BUT THEN... like a broken BETAMax tape from that aforementioned 80's film, the club announced that there would be no live stream. Thus... a combination of Twitter updates and spring break/camp film tomfoolery...

1' - Here's a starting line-up to get you PUMPED for 2013!

#TFC XI: Bendik; Eckersley, Califf, O'Dea, Davis; Lambe, Osorio, Hall, Welshman; Silva, T. Morgan.. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

5' - Good to see... er, read... Danny Califf and Darren O'Dea as the centreback duo today. If only we could combine the two. One wears a proper number (3) and the other wears proper boots (all black). Now that's a defender.

7' - Reggie Lambe loses possession when a buxom blonde's bikini-top gets attached to a nerd's radio-controlled airplane and pops off

15' - Darren O'Dea and Paolo Nagamura in a shoving match - they are actually following my script!

15' 0-0: Reds with more of the ball in the last five. Silva had a free kick cleared. O'Dea & Nagamura with strong words, shoving. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

20' - Pretty sure today's referee is that crusty college Dean!

23' - GOAL: TORONTO FC 0 - SPORTING KC 1

23' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bieler puts KC ahead after a couple of chances by TFC at the other end. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

30' - Fans in attendance today in Orlando invited to stay after the match to meet Archie Hahn - the voice of the alien "Meathead" in 1984 blockbuster hit "Meatballs Part II"

35' - Despite no video feed, I can honestly say this is the most solid I've seen TFC play all spring

40' - Any player named "Saad" should be legally bound by MLS to play for Toronto FC

40' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bendik with a save on Saad, shot resulting from a quick KC counter. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

HALFTIME/PANTY RAID:
TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1

 

SECOND HALF: No major changes going into the final half of spring except trialist Justin Davis off for trialist Darel "The Roy G." Russell who will possibly do a Kool Moe Dee-esque rap track as the jocks, nerds, beauty queens and goths watch on dancing awkwardly

55' - Nothing much happening for the first 10 minutes so it will likely just be packaged as a montage to the soft rock stylings of Cheap Trick

57' - The "Ogre" of TFC (that one's for you "Revenge of the Nerds" fans) Darren O'Dea picks up his second caution and sees red...

57' #TFC 0-1 SKC: O'Dea picks up a second caution and the resulting red card. Reds down to 10. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

60' - TFC decide to play a game of "Look Who's Striking?"

60' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Substitution: Morgan off, Agbossoumonde on. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

70' - Tables turned on rival frat house as Danny Koevermans' "I'll Eat Your Pi for Charity" booth reveals topless pick of Terry Dunfield stuck on the bottom of every pie plate!

75' - Like the guy who has been at the college way too long - Terry Dunfield joins the race. But will he win the girl?

85' - The exciting* (*not exciting) raft race that has been TFC's pre-season is on its final stretch! Can those plucky lads win and save "Camp Shining Light" from impending doom?

89' - No.

FINAL WHISTLE: While the lack of coverage gave us the excuse to have way more fun with this match than it really was - there is no real excuse for the mess this club's roster is in a mere week before the season begins. Yes there is new management; bloated contracts; celery caps (that's it right?) and red threads needing to be bound but the squad trotted out was what we should have seen a month ago and not today.

Yes the magical "3 or 4" signings are once again "on their way" and perhaps things turn out well way down the road but not a single TFC supporter expected this paper-thin excuse for a team one week before Vancouver. The Reds are indeed "Up The Creek" and that creek has a name... and is known for not supplying paddles.

 

FULL TIME: TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Trials. Tribulations.

Honestly... we CAN handle some strikers.



A SPORTING DISPLAY
Toronto FC continued their "preparation" for the regular season today with a scrimmage against home opener opponents Sporting KC down in the tropical wilds of Central Florida. On paper, the 3-3 result doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world but considering that only four of the starting eleven are actually signed to the club probably says much about how far along things are. Today's Reds were too distant from a real version of the team to be happy or sad about the state of things but at the very least.... they managed to score a few goals. The fact that the goals came from two unsigned youngsters (Ashton Bennett (2) and Jonathan Osorio) is best left unsaid.
　
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER TRIAL
It wouldn't be a day at TFC camp without another trialist that isn't a striker joining the club. The latest body to join Camp Shining Light (for at least a few days) is San Jose Earthquakes cast-off Jake "Horton Hears a" Hustedt. Guess what guys? He's a defender! You're downright flabbergasted aren't you?

#TFC training update: defender Jake Hustedt has been added to the preseason squad on trial. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 20, 2013

So another day passes in TFC's quest to avoid signing anyone who can score a goal while collecting trialists Panini Sticker-stylee. Who knows, maybe things really are going on behind the scenes (Yes, let’s say that while rocking in a corner) but TFC must have taken an Extra Strength Tylenol because it seems like Payne has disappeared. The President who was a quote machine since November has not been heard of much lately while Earl Cochrane speaks to the media, Fran O'Leary manages the team and Jimmy Brennan's pals are stopping by to go on trial. Here's hoping Kevin Payne is busy somewhere getting those strikers and wingers signed and not in Brazil on a scouting trip with Mo Johnston. Culture change etc. TBA

AFTER 90: The blame game

Not having a ball



THE BUZZ:
Would a TFC loss be blamed on travel, fatigue or humidity?

Do any of you still listen to the post-match excuses?

Will Kansas get a rare football "three-game sweep"?

Have the results of Livestrong Park's urinalysis returned?

What's more American - Teal Bunbury or Jacob Peterson's socks?

Does Bunbury's ACL injury stand for American-Canadian Ligaments?

Can I get an AmericaJuice (TM)? Make it "X-Treme F*ckbery" please

FIRST HALF:

44' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson

SPORTING KC 0 - TORONTO 1

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Taking two shots on net - scoring

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Hints that Torsten Frings could be done for the season

HALFTIME: SPORTING KC 0 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:

59' - YELLOW CARD: Terry Dunfield

60' - GOAL: Sporting KC - Paulo Nagamura

SPORTING KC 1 - TORONTO 1

87' - GOAL: Sporting KC - Oriol Rosell

SPORTING KC 2 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Briefly embracing 1 point

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: The re-run late goal and being told it was down to fatigue... despite zero substitutions being made

FULL TIME: SPORTING KC 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5.5 / Logan Emory 5.5 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 6 / Andrew Wiedeman 5.5 / Terry Dunfield 6 / Aaron Maund 6 / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Luis Silva 6.5 / Quincy Amarikwa 5

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Luis Silva

THE MOOD:

If you want analysis of yet another TFC late-match collapse, you can read pretty much any of the past two months' AFTER 90's. So, in the spirit of excusing six years of this... here's a tribute to Milli Vanilli telling Tom Anselmi & Co. why there's always something off the field that caused this "injustice". You've heard it - travel, fatigue, injury, turf, locker room cancers, personnel change. I could go on but Vanillia is waiting...

"Blame it on the plane (no charters)

Blame it on the stars (they got injured)

Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you

Blame it on the plane, yeah yeah

　

Blame it on fatigue (so sleepy)

Blame it on Winter - he did no right

Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you

Blame it on the plane, yeah yeah"

THE MATCHUP: Toronto FC desperate for performance enhancement at Livestrong

"And second half action is about to get under way.."



SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO
　
LIVESTRONG SPORTING PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
While we are definitely not implying that any member of Sporting KC is involved with any kind of doping - someone should really be looking into that Lance Armstrong endorsed stadium of theirs. We thought it was suspiciously nice for MLS... hmm.
　
One club that is eternally seeking performance enhancement however is TFC. With MLS playoffs a never-was and the CCL now in "miracle-only" territory, the hapless Reds officially start playing out the string. The only thing to play for now is pride in the badge and employment in 2013. Also, they should try to play some football so that Kei Kamara doesn't refer to them as an English League One club again... after all, that was such an insult to Yeovil Town.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Lancelot"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SPORTING KC: Teal Bunbury, Kei Kamara, Jimmy Nielsen
TORONTO: Quincy Amarikwa, Eric Hassli, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
- Don Garber to investigate reports of suddenly enlarged seating at Livestrong Park as well as rumours of shrunken footballs: 10-1
- Drain water from stadium sent to labs for urinalysis: 20-1
- Kansas City to be stripped of its MLS Cups and all Tour De France medals won under the name Wizards: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
While banned substances may be the talk of Livestrong Park, one substance that is sweeping The Midwest is an invention of Sporting KC midfielder/ true American Jacob Peterson. The former Red's new power-drink "AmericaJuice" (TM) was developed by Peterson himself along with a group of creationists and the NRA. The drink provides a 24-Hour boost to your patriotism and helps ward off evil-doers while accomplishing missions! The hot-selling beverage is made from all-natural ingredients including Vitamin U, flag extracts, concentrated freedom, diesel gasoline, pure Iowa corn husks and Jacob's secret blend of spices and gunpowder. It's available in three exciting flavours: "Iced Tea Party", "Barbeque Sauce Throwdown" and the brand new "X-Treme F*ckberry"
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC DEFINITELY, 100%, ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT CLEAR OF PERFORMANCE ENHANCING ANYTHING"
　
And... since it's Friday and we could all do with watching a game where something fun happens for once... here's a preview of Kansas City hero (and surely no fan of steroids) Bo Jackson's excellent new video game...