AFTER 90: Heart in the Heartland

SPORTING KC VS. TORONTO
SPORTING PARK

FIRST HALF:
1' - It promises to be a fantastic match tonight as Jermain Defoe and his Toronto FC mates travel to the Midwest to face MLS Champio-----------

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR INTERNET MACHINE SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS. THIS WWW PAGE AND ITS LEFTY PINKO PRO-HEALTHCARE, ANTI-AWESOME VIEWS HAS BEEN COMMANDEERED BY THE 'KEEP NORTH AMERICA AMERICAN FOUNDATION'. INSTEAD OF READING ABOUT EUROPEAN FANCY-PANTS SOCCER YOU WILL INSTEAD BE TREATED TO A SUPERSIZE COMBO OF AWESOME PROOF THAT NORTH AMERICA WAS INVENTED BY AMERICA - AS APPROVED BY THE SWEET BABY JESUS AND OUR LEADER

JAY "CUB" PETERS. SON!

 

 END TRANSMISSION.

--------------------cleared down the wing and into touch.
90'+ - Well what else can really be said about this match? Wow!

FT: SPORTING KC 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS:
Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 5 (Doneil Henry 4) / Nick Hagglund 5.5 / Justin Morrow 6 / Alvaro Rey 5 (Luke Moore 6.5)/ Kyle Bekker 4.5 (Dan Lovitz 5)/ Bradley Orr 6.5 / Collen Warner 5.5 / Gilberto 6 / Jermain Defoe 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

THE MATCHUP: Midwest value

Jacob Peterson arrives for training



Today's edition of THE MATCHUP has been written by a special guest columnist - The Dean of Studying from The Jacob Peterson Institution of America-Canadia Relationships & Things
　
THE FC's VS. SPORTING KANSAS CITY
　
CANADA SOCCER STADIUM - SATURDAY 4:30PM (Canada Time)
TV: GOL TV (Likely in French)
RADIO: THE FAN 590 (Probably when hockey ends)
　
THE KICKAROUND:
The patriotic and totally kick-ass Sporting Kansas City, current Kings of the MLS Eastern Conference, are being forced by the liberal media elite and left-wing policy makers to travel to North America - home of the Toronto FC's soccer team.
　
Despite the completely un-American and downright racialist hassle of being forced to produce a passport (and declare all weapons! WTF?) to enter their "country", the hard-working Midwestern Christian values of Sporting KC will easily overcome a socialist soccer team that has yet to find a replacement for Canuckistan-escapee and patriot, Jacob Peterson. The basement-dwelling communists from "America's Hat" are currently managed by an English dude in shorts and have players who are Germanian, a bunch of Caribbeaners and a man amongst men, Ty Harden - who is awaiting his release from that northern prison.
　
MADE-UP RIVALRY NAME: "The Mission Accomplisher"
　
PLAYERS WHO LOVE FREEDOM:
FC's: Logan Emory, Ty Harden, Andrew Wiedeman
SPORTING KC: Jacob Peterson and brave evacuee Teal Bunbury
　
THE ODDS:
- Jacob Peterson fighting for our way of life: EVENS
- Socialist nogoodniks not appreciating the hardships endured by All American freedom-seeker Teal Bunbury: 2-1
- Whole thing being in French: 3-1
　
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?
The rural town of Toronto on the St. Lawrence Seaway is the capitol city of the welfare/nanny-state Canadian North America. Toronto was a mere Eskimo trading post and beaver dam until the mighty U.S. Air Force invaded it during the War of 1812 in a world record 23 minutes. During occupation of the town, our troops burned down the CNN Tower and the SkyDome but left a few days later after getting bored of the summer snow and hockey. The U.S. Forces left Toronto to a dim, cold, gun-free, Obama-care loving existence where they misspell "color", "honor" and "misunderestimation".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "QUINCY AMERIKWA'S SURNAME RESCUED FROM EVIL-DOERS BY MARINES"
　
And, since I don't know if they have Friday in Canada... here's a sneak preview of Jacob Peterson's new TV program. He changed his stage name to William Katt to avoid those Canuckistan spies.

Bienvenue à Montréal - où est Brian Ching et la bibliothèque?

Jacob Peterson wrote "Return To Sender" on the back



A rival is born! Well... re-born at least... but this time in MLS form! Toronto FC's true natural rival, Montreal Impact (L'Impact du Montreal to their amis) took a major step towards building the club's nouveau lineup for their debut in Ligue Majeure de Soccer during today's Expansion Draft.
　
Joey Saputo's Fromage Wanderers had a couple of days to browse the wares made available by the league's 18 existing clubs then retreated to their prosciutto-laden bunker deep under a bibliotheque to announce their selections. While we know here in Toronto that Expansion Draft rosters don't last too long (Memories of Paulo Nagamura isn't a President's Choice marinade), la première équipe for Montreal in 2012 will evolve from this core...
　
Brian "Le Retirement" Ching - HOU
Zarek "L'Amour" Valentin - CHV
Justin Mapp - PHI
Bobby Burling - SJ
Jeb Brovsky - VAN
Collen Warner - RSL
Josh Gardner - CLB
Sanna Nyassi - COL
James "Trade That Irish Name" Riley - SEA
Riley traded to Chivas USA for Justin Braun and Gerson Mayen
Seth Sinovic - SKC
　
Impact also traded Allocation to Seattle for Tyson Wahl
　
So there you are, these are the players that Toronto fans need to start making hilarious songs about. However, considering the # 1 pick has openly declared that he'd rather end his career than play in Quebec - we may want to hold off. Impact did manage to draft some quality pieces that they may very well keep or trade away for futures. Either way, a few of these lads will no doubt enter the magical world of Joe Louis', Pepsi-Cola, cigarettes and peelers that never quit.
　
From a TFC angle, the club managed to hold on to everyone with Impact unsurprisingly refusing to poach from their arch-rival. Sadly, L'Impact extended that to ex-Reds and chose to ignore The Yorkies' #PetersonAvecImpact campaign which wanted to see Canada's # 1 Tourism Ambassador Jacob Peterson selected to play in La Belle Province. You win this round Peterson... but you just wait until Real Regina enters the league.

THE MATCHUP: Red-uce, Red-use, Red-cycle

Oooh, it comes in "San Jose blue"



TORONTO (17th) VS. SAN JOSE (14th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV -----RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Is TFC's sudden lack of scoring a long-term issue or can they break out of their goal funk?
- Can the much needed Danny Koevermans return from injury?
- Which Quakes' ex-Red do Toronto fans miss most - Attakora, Cronin, Peterson or Gordon?
- How many negative messages on Twitter will Jacob Peterson post during the match?
- What would Frank Yallop trade to us for our whole defence?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Trading Post"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Avila, Andy Iro, Ryan Johnson
SAN JOSE: Bobby Convey, Jacob Peterson, Chris Wondolowski
　
THE ODDS:
- Jacob Peterson Tweeting that he'll only miss "Ty Harden and Tiny Tom Donuts" when he leaves Toronto again: 20-1
- TFC going down 1-0 only to be saved by a biblical flood, locust infestation or rivers of blood: 50-1
- Alan Gordon waving to the crowd - injuring wrist in process: 75-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- A protest is planned outside of BMO Field by victims of last Tuesday's "Great Toronto Earthquake 2011" Nearly 1's of people were hurt in the quake that registered nearly 3 on the Richter scale by time it reached Toronto. Protesters are angered over the insensitivity of the San Jose club's name. Never forget.
- With the incredible amount of players that have suited up for both of these clubs, FIFA has voted Saturday's match as "Most Incestual Fixture - 2011"

- To help flagging attendance, MLSE is planning a halftime tribute to former Canadian pro wrestler John "Earthquake" Tenta. Never forget.

　

THE WAGER: 1-0 Toronto (2011: 19-17 with 6 exact scores)

FUTURE HEADLINE: "TRADE AFTERSHOCKS RATTLE QUAKES"

God speed Earthquake. God speed.

TFC acquires a body

Mo Johnston did the improbable but necessary today by adding some much needed depth to the Toronto FC squad. TFC brings in midfield utility player Jacob Peterson from Colorado Rapids in exchange for the mystery which is allocation money. The 23 year old American made 23 appearances for Rapids in 2009 scoring 2 goals and grabbing 2 assists in 12 starts for the Maroons.

Always happy to paint a signing as the next coming of Christ, Mo Johnston crowed that "this is a player that Preki has been wanting for some time". If Peterson, who had stints with the US under-23 squad, can at least provide some good minutes off of the bench he will be more useful than what The Reds' currently have. If he can push for starting time all the better.

While a midfielder isn't exactly on the top of TFC's wishlist right now, depth is always a good thing. There have been rumours that TFC are looking at Egyptian defender/ bad egg on every team he's played for Ibrahim Said but no concrete word yet from BMO Field. If the impending labour trouble in MLS comes to a head on January 31st, Peterson will be the last signing we are likely to see until the lockout is resolved.