THE STARTING 11: Ways Toronto FC celebrated their win in Seattle

"More than enough to drink at home..."



Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it? It's far too early to start planning any parades but even the most optimistic of your TFC supporters didn't honestly expect an opening day win in Seattle. But alas, on the backs of their shiny new signings, The Reds bagged 3 points and deserved a little post-match celebration! Where better to luxuriate in victory than the Sasquatch and caffeine laden city of Seattle, Washington but what do happy Reds do with a free night in the Emerald City?

11. Threw an Xbox through a hotel window

10. Toronto-born players gathered under the Space Needle and made inadequate phallic gestures while giggling uncontrollably

9. Stefan Frei and Joe Bendik secretly met for a quiet meal. Held hands. Wept gently.

8. Found famous Seattle street musician "Spoonman"... watched on as Jackson tackled him from behind

7. Jim Brennan spent evening in hotel business center emailing resume to Seattle Sounders for all of their jobs

6. Icing Mark Bloom's manbits after the Clint Dempsey punch. Repeat.

5. Went Bigfoot spotting. Closest they got was seeing Sigi Schmid eating a donut in the woods.

4. Alvaro Rey dribbled through the surviving members of Nirvana

3. All-night "Frasier" box-set marathon in Chris Konopka's room! Anyone?

2. Jermain Defoe celebrated scoring twice by scoring another seven times overnight

1. Coffee stupor!

 

No Jackson he's just trying to feel the rhythm with his hands!



AFTER 90: A pretty big (bloody) deal

Difference makers.

SEATTLE SOUNDERS - 1
Clint Dempsey - 68'

TORONTO FC - 2
Jermain Defoe - 17'
Jermain Defoe - 24'

WHAT WE EXPECTED:
A shaky start for a TFC squad in need of instant chemistry in a hostile environment. A draw would have been sweet, we planned for a 3-1 loss.
WHAT WE GOT:
A hard-working, composed win spearheaded by Jermain Defoe's debutante balls and the tireless leadership of Michael Bradley and Steven Caldwell. While they had to absorb tremendous Seattle pressure in the 2nd Half, they didn't capitulate. That's new.

THE GOOD:
- The dominant leadership (and head) of Steven Caldwell who anchored the back and made his co-defenders better.
- The reassuring presence of Julio Cesar. Not a knock on Bendik but you can feel TFC's defence breathe easier with his experience.
- Michael Bradley. Period. Defoe will get the plaudits but Bradley was everywhere. A boss.
- Jermain Defoe - what can you say? A poacher. His goal tally this year will only be hampered by his service. Does what it says on the tin.

THE BAD:
- Slow starts in both halves. On another day an opponent will make them pay if they come out that flat-footed.
- The bruises left on Doneil Henry's chops after a boot to the face.
- Silly free kicks given as the game wore on. Maybe due to exhaustion but TFC were lucky they weren't costly.
- The bench. Yes there are injuries but not too many guys available at the moment who can come in and change the face of the match for The Reds. Bright Dike is missed.

THE MALARKEY:
- 39,000 Seattle fans singing "Can you hear Toronto sing?" to the 100 TFC fans in attendance. That's just poor audio science.
- TFC's Jackson may be the angriest man in Brazil but his natty all-white boots are full on Tito Jackson.
- When did Chad Barrett turn into an oversized Oompa Loompa?
- The Clint Dempsey/Jermain Defoe Tottenham Hotspur reunion ended much the same way as their time at White Hart Lane together: Defoe scored more goals and Dempsey still looked like an overpaid twonk.

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 8 / Doneil Henry 7 / Justin Morrow 6.5 / Jackson 6 (SUB: 90'+ - Ashtone Morgan N/A) / Michael Bradley 8 / Jonathan Osorio 7 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 66' - Bradley Orr 5.5) / Dwayne De Rosario 6 (SUB: 63' - Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Jermain Defoe 8

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe

 

Sigi Schmid: not pleased

THE MATCHUP: "Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, we're starting again..."

Snacks are ready...

SEATTLE VS. TORONTO
CENTURYLINK FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- C'mon now people! It's the dawn of a(nother) new era! What better town to unleash your big bloody eels than one with a famous seafood market?
- Which TFC DP's will play on Seattle’s "horrible turf"? Gilberto has been ruled out but will Jermain Defoe and Michael Bradley play a big role?
- How deep is our love? We mean "how deep is our bench"?
- Requiem for a Goalblerone. Just how will ex-Toronto favourite, now Sounders # 1, Stefan Frei perform against the club he called home for so long?
- A chance to feast your eyes on the biggest crowd TFC will likely play before this year and a chance to cozy up to the inventors of the sport. Apparently. Also Bigfoot sightings - there's always a chance.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The XBOX Reboot"

THE DUEL:
Osvaldo Alonso vs. Michael Bradley and/or
Clint Dempsey vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
Seattle, Washington... the birthplace of caffeine, modern soccer and Spoonmen. Home to wild roaming herds of Sasquatch and fictional psychiatrists.

Of all the cities you can travel to on an MLS away day, Seattle should rank high. Direct flights into Soundgarden International Airport offer the away supporter a quick transfer into the city where you can visit sites such as the World's Tiniest CN Tower, the actual house from "Harry and the Hendersons" and the mystical Starbucks within a Starbucks inside an actual Starbucks.

On the way to the match, keep your ears alert for the "Puget Sound" which is the audible self-satisfied sigh of 30,000 Sounders supporters acknowledging their own awesomeness.

WORTH A 1000 WORDS:

CenturyLink. Halftime.

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
March 15, 1997: 12-year-old Maxim Usanov's life turned down an ugly pugilistic path when he punched a tiny show pony at a St. Petersburg agricultural fair.


And... If you like this kind of malarkey but wished it could be shoved down your ear canal - we've got you covered! The Yorkies and Waking The Red join forces on the latest episode of The Vocal Minority Podcast... "Get used to it" here...

Freedom Frei - Reds deal stalwart goalkeeper to Seattle Sounders

He looked like this a lot



It's hard to be a "long-term" TFC player. At a club where the only constant is change, Stefan Frei's 99 appearances in all competitions for TFC is far from ordinary. Yet still, despite the inevitability of today's deal, he is yet another Red leaving under the cloud of "it should have ended differently".

Toronto FC made the prompt yet unsurprising announcement this afternoon that Frei's rights have indeed been dealt to Seattle Sounders in exchange for a conditional 2015 first-round MLS SuperDraft pick. Frei is now eligible to work out a deal with the Cascadia giant. No, not Bigfoot.

Frei's time in Toronto will always be looked back at with difficulty. Through no fault of his own he stewarded the goal behind a succession of very poor teams and did yeoman's work of the job. Simultaneously, he also seemed to suffer from a voodoo-like curse of bad injury luck which saw his time in goal halted. The latest, a boot to the face in pre-season saw him benched just long enough for Joe Bendik to come in and do a solid enough job to steal the # 1 role.

With Bendik's emergence as a solid-enough MLS'er and Stefan Frei's higher wage, the choice was made by Ryan Nelsen & Co. to proceed with a future that didn't include the Swiss keeper. Acquiring Chris Konopka as the heir apparent # 2 sealed the deal.

His final year in Toronto will not be one filled with great memories but Stefan Frei will be very fondly remembered as a straight-up good egg at TFC and one of the few faces supporters were familiar with. He will most likely return in good form wearing the neon hues of Sounders but will always be Red to many here. It should have ended differently.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Seattle... or make up your own damn funny thing, too hungover

I really should update this to read Seattle Coffees, as I could totally go for one

Oh my god... what's with the sun?  Damn it's so bright and stabbing my eyes...

I'm sure I'm gonna get fired for this post but whatever, a deal is a deal.  So I was out with a few bloggers last night celebrating @kzknowles pre-birthday, and I had a train to catch.  A few Somersby's later, I said my parting good-byes and made my way down back to Exhibition.  Everything got fuzzy after that...

All I remember is half a bottle of Cinzano later, some bunny ears and a woman with the largest bicepts ever yelling repeatedly at me "What a waste of money" and then laughing... and there was football in there.  I think.

OK, so here's what I wrote pre-match.  Looks like a love letter:

I am a big fan of Clint Dempsey. If there was a single yank that I wished was Canadian, it's Dempsey. He's a hard worker, scores clutch goals and plays the pitch. If the reports are accurate, Seattle paid in the vicinity of $9 million in transfer fees to land the 30 year old.  I wish him nothing but the best in Seattle and hope he delivers the goods.

In other news, Toronto signed an Academy kid (no disrespect intended, but we've been promised an Argentine for 5 months now, and you ain't him). Yay.

It's a gorgeous day out and Toronto is amongst the hottest teams in the league, winners of two in a row. 4 or 5 more, and we should be hot on the heels of 7th or even 6th in the east. 

Aww, that first part is adorable. I'm sure I wrote more in my One Direction diary kept in the nightstand hidden under my copies of Tiger Beat... ow, making fun of myself causes brain pain. 

You should be able to order asprin online by now.

OK, what did I scrawl in the note pad.

5' - two shots this early.  Both legitimate chances.  Sounded good.

16' - GOAL - Cross from the right side, three Seattle players lose their marker, Rosales taps it underneath Bendik doing a Spiderman/handball goalie save.  Poor Super Pickle.


ROBINS 0, SOUNDWAVES 1
How much water does it take for the pain to disappear and the memories to return?


33' - Obafemi Martins comes off injured for Dempsey.  At least if Clint is coming in, they're taking off another quality player.  What the f*** is wrong with me.  Do I normally write this?

36' - First touch, Dempsey breaking in on the left side of Bendik, gets denied by Ashtone Morgan.
I could see this being where the 'what a waste of money' came from.  Sure it was killing on the terraces.

40' - GOAL - Low cross comes into the Toronto 18 yard box, Doneil Henry gets to it and deflects it past Bendik.  Tragic.  I bet it was.
ROBINS 0, SOUNDWAVES 2

I'm thankful there isn't a word limit on this...

 46' - GOAL - Cross comes across, dummied by Lambe, Osorio step overs to lose his marker, pokes it left foot, Hahnemann gets some but not enough and in.  Lambe should get man of the match just for the dummy.
ROBINS 1, SOUNDWAVES 2

60' - Some real cutting passes from the Robins carving up Seattle finds Earnshaw with a go from the top of the box beating Hahnemann but not the post.  Outstanding start to the half.  This has to be total crap.  Can someone confirm this?  OMG when will this stabbing sensation go away...

66' - Seattle nearly pays us back an own goal but redirected just wide by (need to look it up).  I see how brilliant I am, now.  Real journalism shit here.

73' - Dempsey.  Seriously, that's all I f**king wrote?!? 

92' - How was Brockie not offside? How did that pass get through?  How did Brockie not beat Hahnemann?  OMG!  That sounded compelling.  Made stranger by the lack of ever-so-common act of Toronto end of game bed-shitting techniques I have gotten used to.

Full Time : TORONTO 1, SEATTLE 2

Man of the Match : Lambe for the dummy.  Didn't write anything else.

Goat of the Game : Did Braun play?  Probably Braun. 

Ref Rating : 5 out of 5.  Shit, I don't care.

Kit Spotting : just so you know where my priorities are, I have notes on this, just none of the other stuff.  Spotted old school Sheffield Wednesday home, Cardiff (proper) blue home kit with Earnshaw, but the America de Cali from Colombia... psh, that would've been something to remember.

Post Match : Pub was sooo good.  I remember laughing a lot as my face is sore.  No bruising, so I know I wasn't punched or ran into anything. People on twitter were messaging on how it was a good time.  Damn this living in Mississauga... and were all the streetcars only travelling west?  Why did I remember that... this report should've been a group effort.

Player Ratings : Bendik C/R, Eckersley C/R, Caldwell C/R, Henry C/R, Morgan C/R, Lambe C/R, Laba C/R, Osorio C/R, Convey C/R, Wiedeman C/R, Brockie C/R

C/R denotes 'can't remember'


@ignirtoq swears that his spotty memory gag is legit, and did not miss his 11:49 train, then called his fiancee to pick him up at the ground who brought him shawarma because she's the best. He would like to thank the company kept post match by name-dropping @theyorkies1812, @RohanKoomar, @WakingtheRed, @RedWineRoz, @BigWullieStyle, @grawsee and the rest of friends who joined us to celebrate @kzknowles pre-birthday celebration.

THE MATCHUP: Get Deuce to it

That face just screams "used to it"

TORONTO VS. SEATTLE

 

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

THE KICKABOUT:

It would be hard to find two clubs more polar opposite in MLS at the moment than Toronto and Seattle.

Sounders, a club that has never known any long-term adversity in their MLS incarnation seems to go from strength-to-strength. The perennial title challengers have just added the biggest name in the league in Clint Dempsey; they have attendance that is bursting at the seams; and, their management strives to foster actual relations with their long-time supporters going as far as implementing a (albeit plastic-y version) club member program where input on the front office is invited.

TFC, a club that has never known any long-term success in any incarnation who seem to bumble from drama-to-drama. The perennial basement dwellers have spent months promising supporters that a "frightening" array of talent is on the way but have yet to materialize; they have attendance which has had the spirit sucked out of it and is a shadow of its former glorious self; and, their management has created a relationship with its longest suffering supporters something akin to a gnat buzzing around a horse's ass. Very used to it.

We were called Seattle's MLS blueprint once.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Deuce Dropper" (TENTATIVE)

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba,

SEATTLE: Clint Dempsey (TBD), Obafemi Martins, Mauro Rosales

THE ODDS:

- "Dealing with it": 5-1

- "Getting used to it" :2-1

- "Taking it or leaving it": EVENS

WHO ARE YA?

Shocked by the internet meme success of Kevin Payne's accidental comedy gold "Get used to it", the club has decided to move forward their latest corporate promo. TFC's green-kitted goalkeeper Joe Bendik will now be referred to in all press releases as Joe "Super Pickle" Bendik in conjunction with the good people at Bick's Pickles. Highlighting his pickle-green clothes and his crunching collisions with defenders, fans and team officials will be prompted to yell "DILL WITH IT" at every goalkeeping occasion. No gherkin, this is set to be Bendik's Bread 'N Butter.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE'RE USED TO IT"

BONUS: CHANTS ON GOAL:
"We Need to Sing About Kevin"

"Let's Get Used To It" (to Olivia Newton John's "Physical")

　

Let's get used to it, used to it
We need to get used to it

Let's get really used to it

Sick of hearing Kevin talk, Kevin talk

Sick of hearing Kevin talk

AFTER 90: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs... they beat us again

"Next caller... schizophrenic football club..."



THE BUZZ:
On a day of big crowds in MLS, The Reds head to CenturyLink Field in Seattle (or whatever it's called this week) to face the Sounders and their famous fanbase. Tonight's matchup in North America's Sasquatch District may very well go to the team who can shake of their Champions League hangover the best. Will Sounders buck themselves up and rebound from their humiliation against Santos Laguna? Can TFC come down from their heady victory over Los Angeles and not think ahead to... er... Santos Laguna? Time to get ready, it's MLS First Kick for Sounders and Toronto FC as "SIXual Healing" starts here!
　
FIRST HALF:
17' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 1 - TORONTO 0
24' - SUB: Aaron Maund on for Torsten Frings
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Not seeing Ty Harden return for the second
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Torsten Frings and possibly our season limping off the pitch
　
HALFTIME: SEATTLE 1 - TORONTO 0
　
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB - Danny Koevermans for Ty Harden
51' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 2 - TORONTO 0
57' - SUB: Joao Plata on for Eric Avila
62' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson
SEATTLE 2 - TORONTO 1
63'' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 3 - TORONTO 1
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Johnson's highlight reel screamer
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Dunfield getting burned 50 seconds later to allow Estrada to cap his hat-trick
　
FULL TIME: SEATTLE 3 - TORONTO 1
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Ty Harden 3.5 (Danny Koevermans 5.5) / Miguel Aceval 5.5 / Logan Emory 6 / Torsten Frings 6.5 (Aaron Maund 5.5) / Terry Dunfield 4.5 / Luis Silva 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6 / Ryan Johnson 7 / Eric Avila 5 (Joao Plata 5.5)
　
THE YORKIES' TFC PLAYER OF THE MATCH: Richard Eckersley
　
THE MOOD:
It's likely too early to overreact but boy, didn't that feel like any of the last five seasons? The Reds seemed to be able to hold their own against Sounders and their engaged crowd but the calamitous opening goal that featured Ty Harden literally get spun around (knocking over Eckersley in the process), Terry Dunfield flap on the ground like an earthbound trout and the rest of the team watch like yokels while Milos Kocic was left exposed, sucked the mojo (not Mo Johnston) out of the team. Really, it was very, very downhill from there.
　
Of course, the real horror show tonight was watching Torsten Frings get injured and rapidly remove himself from the match. A man of his ilk and quality doesn't asked to be taken off for a little knock and the chances of a layoff for TFC's talisman seems likely. This of course highlights the danger of making Frings the "everyman". Through inability to address the terrible centreback situation, Frings has had to be everything to everyone and may have now broken down on a play where one of the world's best midfielders was the last man on defence. A painful loss, that may mean a painful season depending on medical test results.

THE MATCHUP: Smells Like SIXual Healing

That's the last time Nick Soolsma picks our photos...

SEATTLE VS. TORONTO
　
CENTURYLINK FIELD - SATURDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE---- RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Even though this official season opener may seem slightly anti-cliamctic after Wednesday's massive win in Los Angeles, this is where 2012 starts for realsies. SIXual Healing is under way as TFC opens its sixth MLS season away to Sounders. It's an intriguing opening match for both clubs as they will be equally fatigued after midweek CCL battles but with very different outcomes. Will Seattle bounce back from their Mexican humiliation? Will The Reds be grounded after their high against Galaxy? Aron Winter needs to balance emotions and stamina as he tries to get his squad off to a good start in a stadium where they have rarely looked anything but grungy.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "A Tale of Two CCL's"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SEATTLE: Alvaro Fernandez, Fredy Montero, Mauro Rosales
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
　
THE ODDS:
- Recently retired ex-Sounders keeper Kasey Keller sitting in rocking chair at field level handing out Werther's Originals: 3-1
- 4 out of 5 opticians not recommending Seattle's third kit: 5-1
- "Spoonman" protesting TFC's release of Geovanny "The Spoon" Caicedo outside of the stadium: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The Pacific Northwest metropolis of Seattle is still home to more than 500 people who can trace their bloodline to the city's founding fathers. First settled in the early 1970's by the Henderson family - a travelling group of Sasquatch psychiatrists - the early village was name "Seeya Tootly" which is a local native term for "forest ape drinking expensive coffee". Since those humble beginnings, the area has blossomed into a thriving city with leading industries that manufacture some of America's finest lumberjack shirts, angst-filled lyrics, seahawks, tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE'VE BEEN PATIENT, AND VIVACIOUS... SEASON SIX NOW - ENTERTAIN US!"
　
And while it's not quite Marvin Gaye, please enjoy Seattle's own with the next best soul star we could afford....

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Seattle... or the quest for the Cascadia Cup!

You tie a tie, tie a bow, tie your shoes, tie fighters, tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree.

You draw a picture, draw water from a well, draw a name out of a hat, draw a bridge, draw the strings in your bathing suit so it doesn't fall down.

You get a point across, you get a point on a needle, point form for a list, point your finger, point your toe.

With all the varied meanings of the word, it has lately been one of the answers to the following question : how did TFC do last week? A tie/a draw/a point.

With Toronto in second place for the Cascadia Cup on 3 points (thank you Portland), a single point doesn't help much. 3 points are a must!

Predictions didn't look too good as most people has 1-0. 2-0, 3-1 for Seattle. 2-2 draw and someone was optimistic enough to call 1-0 Toronto. Oh, the faithful...

2 - Seattle come flying out the gate as Fucito is on goal and fires wide. Oh if they can only hold on for 88 more minutes...

11 - Yourassowsky gets into the box, beats his defender, next touch he pushes it too far, flops down looking for the penalty. If that had actually worked for you your entire career, you'd be playing for Hannover in Germany right now.

16 - Are high crosses to the 5 foot winger truly a good idea? Discuss...

20 - YELLOW - Harden gets booked for his participation that had Grampa Keller on the pitch writhing in pain from the arthritis from being knocked over.

26 - YELLOW - Borman goes into the books for his part in an altercation.

36 - Good pressure by the Robins in the Seattle 18 as the ball gets bounced around while forcing Keller to make a few very quality saves. Not bad for a pensioner.

43 - Sturgis free kick bends over the wall, but not quite under the bar.

HALF-TIME MOOD : Optimistic, but Soolsma and Yourassowsky are showing some clear signs of uselessness. TORONTO 0 - SEATTLE 0

45 - SUB - Sturgis out, Cordon in. Strange as Sturgis played a fairly decent half.

49 - Seattle are now down to ten as Kennedy earns his second yellow and first shower.

56 - Plata runs at a defender near the goal line, beats him and slides a ball right across the face of goal. Now, if Soolsma has stopped marking his defender and took a step forward, it would say GOAL in front of this time stamp. Any guesses?

65 - YELLOW - Yourassowsky is deservedly booked for a mistimed challenge.

70 - SUB - Martina comes on for Stevanovic. Yet Soolsma and Yourassowsky are still on the pitch. Curious...

75 - Eckersley cleans up a bit of a Harden caused mess as Seattle were nearly in on goal except for a confident challenge near the box. I almost went a match without having anything bad to say about Harden.

82 - OMG MARTINA!!!! AAAAAH!!!! CROSSBAR!!!! AAAAAAAHhhhhh... sooooo close you could taste it.

89 - Lets see, opposition late in game gets free kick outside of the box. I have seen this before many many times...

90 - GOAL - I did foreshadow this would happen, not because I'm a pessimist, but because this is the very TFC we keep stumping up season tickets for. In all fairness, it was a very quality free kick by Montero around the wall and well out of Frei's reach.

4 minutes of extra time.

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Seattle 1

Man of the Match : Plata did well so he gets the nod, but I appreciated Doneil Henry's efforts

Goat of the Game : Soolsma. Must be a Flemish dialect for "pilon".

Ref Rating : 3.5 out of 5. A little card happy, but they kept it down the middle as best as possible.

Updated Cascadia Cup standings
Seattle 5
Vancouver 4
Toronto 3
Portland 1

Team Ratings : Frei 6, Eckersley 6.5, Henry 6.5, Harden 6, Borman 5.5, Sturgis 6.5 (Cordon 5.5), Yourassowsky 6 (Gargan N/A), Soolsma 4.5, Santos 6, Plata 6.5

Soolsma begs for the ball and his offensive maneuver is to go backwards then give up possession... Why Soolsma played the whole game is baffling... I know we're tough on talent supply right now, but c'mon... Cordon could play well if he went heads up... no capos for the first half was kinda nice... Keller, for all of his geezery, is still very good... there was a period where it looked like players were ignoring the wide open Plata... so much for another draw, huh?

THE MATCHUP: Reds need XBOX 180

Who needs Halo when you can have Zaxxon?

TORONTO (14th) VS. SEATTLE (5th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Have TFC improved since they were drubbed 3-0 by Sounders at Qwest Field back in April?
- Can TFC take the 1st Half from New England and the 2nd Half from LA and combine them into a full 90 Minute performance?
- Does Julian de Guzman go right back into the starting 11 despite the recent workmanlike performances of Nathan Sturgis?
- Can young Doneil Henry continue his composed play on defence?
- Is Kasey Keller the last active footballer who fought during WWII?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Coleco Classico"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Alan Gordon, Doneil Henry, Stefan Frei
SEATTLE: Osvaldo Alonso, Kasey Keller, Fredy Montero
　
THE ODDS:
- Supporters actually noticing a difference in the midfield with Julian de Guzman's return: 20-1
- Sigi Schmid's circumference expanding by 1/3 during match: 50-1
- Microsoft XBOX approaching Aron Winter and Bob de Klerk to do voice-over on their new video game "Grand Theft Auto: Hot Amshterdam Nightsh"
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Seattle's star striker Fredy Montero has angrily resisted calls for him to "Americanize" his name by adding a second 'D' to 'Fredy' calling it blatant "racial alphabetization"
- Toronto supporters are trying to re-energize the old fighting spirit by refusing to listen to Soundgarden, wear Xavier McDaniel jerseys or eat tossed salad & scrambled eggs for a full week
- Due to the gulf in talent on the two clubs, BMO Field's most creative chants on Saturday will again revolve around the CN Tower's phallic prominence over Seattle's Space Needle
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 13-7 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "SOUNDERS VISIT BMO - SOUNDGARDEN SALES PLUMMET IN TORONTO"

"C'mon 8-Bit de Guzman - move your ass!"

AFTER 90: "Smells Like No Team Spirit"

Immobile and lacking flexibilty. Like TFC's defence.

It's late (eff you Pacific Time Zone... you too Sir Sanford Fleming). We thus forgo the usual pre-amble to instead offer this tome in the style of Seattle poem "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by one K. Cobain.

　
Tune into Gol, it's time for Reds
We need a win, let's not pretend
Seattle's hard and self-assured
Let's break a leg, oops - dirty word
　
Total, Total, Total, Total Football
Total, Total, Total
　
Without Zakuani, they're less dangerous
Aron Winter, entertain us
Time for kick-off, Qwest's raucous
Aron Winter, entertain us!
　
1' - No sign of John Lithgow. "Harry and the Hendersons Night" was indeed a prank. Disappointing. Kick-off...
2' - Sounders supporters' band makes it sound like The Santa Claus Parade is going to march through Qwest Field
7' - TFC off to their patented "Total Shaky Start". Ball barely out of Reds' half
9' - GOAL: Seattle's Alvaro Fernandez connects his head onto cross with zero challenge from Dan Gargan who was "covering" him
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
15' - Sounders' playbook exposed. 1) Look for Dan Gargan. 2) Aim. 3) Fire. 4) Giggle.
19' - Dicoy Williams just heard about his countryman O'Brian White's surgery. BLOOD CLOT!
21' - Drew Carey threatens to sue TFC as their defence does a terrible impression of Price is Right game "Plinko"
25' - Maicon Santos' un-Brazilian alter-ego Mike Sanders is in the house. Painfully inept "offence" from TFC
28' - Alen Stevanovic links up with Javier Martina for the first TFC chance but Seattle do enough to temper the Dutchman's run at goal
33' - Seattle's offence almost looks bored... as if they know they can just score goals later if needed
35' - Sounders' Fernandez tries to make it two but his glancing header saved by Stefan Frei
41' - Surprising lack of Grunge-related chants from Seattle supporters. Would it kill you to do "Spoon Man"?
45' + - First half mercifully ends with TFC looking like a Division Two club getting to play a "big" club in the FA Cup. Scoreline flatters.
　
HALFTIME: SEATTLE SOUNDERS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
　
45' - SUB: Mike Sanders out for Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky
46' - TFC's patented "Total Shaky Start" (Part II) in full effect. Frei the only thing between a Fredy Montero goal
48' - Stefan Frei with another massive save off of Brad Evans boot. Frei must be begging FC Zurich to call in July.
51' - GOAL: Frei could just do no more as Brad Evans had a free run at goal and blasted it past "The Goalblerone"
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 2 - TORONTO FC 0
56' - SUB: Nathan Sturgis in for Julian de Guzman. I guess that's kind of a thing.
58' - Does The Space Needle have a rotating restaurant too? Maybe just a Starbucks?
61' - SUB: Alen Stevanovic out Matt Gold makes his pro debut.
62' - Pretty sure Bob de Klerk just said "I love Gooooooold!"
69' - Frei having to make save after save. Grasshopper? Young Boys?
73' - PENALTY: A dodgy call on possible handball from Yourassowsky. GOAL: Brad Evans puts it past poor Stefan Frei. So-so penalty but a more than justified scoreline
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 3 - TORONTO FC 0
76' - Sigi Schmid considering putting Frasier's dog into the match for Kasey Keller
80' - A Yourassowsky blast actually forces Kasey Keller to make a save... and get up from his nap
84' - Sorry... drifted off trying to remember if there were any other sitcoms set in Seattle
88' - Jacob Peterson and Javier Martina almost hook up for a late goal. They know this ended an hour and a half ago right?
90+ - Mercy. Final whistle ends an ugly affair for TFC without a single sighting of a Sasquatch, Spoon Man or Kelsey Grammar. Rip off.
　
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 3 - TORONTO FC 0
　
What can really be said about this utter mess of a match? Truly the worst outing Toronto FC has had in 2011 and a bit shocking to see such regression. The big win against the lower division FC Edmonton proved to be a false dawn as nothing on The Reds clicked tonight. The impotent offence was only saved from blushes by the truly porous defence. The only saving grace for The Reds is that their next match is once again against Edmonton which may restore a little faith in the club, but that will likely only last until the next league match. With still only one MLS win to their name in 2011 and with a performance that made them seem a division lower in class than Seattle, Aron Winter is going to be using his favourite word "pity" a lot tonight.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Dan Gargan 5 / Dicoy Williams 5.5 / Adrian Cann 6 / Danleigh Borman 5.5 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Maicon Santos 5.5 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Javier Martina 6.5 / Alan Gordon 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky 6 / Matt Gold 6 / Nathan Sturgis 5.5
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei. Poor, poor Stefan Frei.
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: So many choices but... Dan Gargan. Enough.
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

THE MATCHUP: The Space Needle: Not a needle; never in space. Discuss.

Eat it Frasier

SEATTLE (8th) VS. TORONTO FC (12th)

　
QWEST FIELD - SATURDAY 10PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
　
They've got a Space Needle; we've got a CN Tower. They had Frasier's dog, we had The Littlest Hobo. They had Nirvana we had... um... Platinum Blonde? They play like XBOX; we play like a reconditioned ColecoVision. "We're not in Edmonton anymore MoJo" - as Toronto FC visits MLS' biggest, baddest stadium and the Seattle Sounders.
　
The boys in "rave green" aka "projectile pea-vomit green” are always a very tough team to play at home and are far better rested than their Canadian visitors. At 2-3-2, Sounders are off to a start many of their abundant supporters would deem "mediocre" but they are fresh off of a 1-0 win away to MLS Cup holders Colorado. That match is now infamous for the terrible Steve Zakuani broken leg tackle which hurts Seattle's midfield options. Also hurting Seattle's offence has former TFC striker - now Sounder O'Brian White set to miss the match after surgery. What would a Jamaican striker have surgery for? BLOOD CLOT! Can't make it up.
　
Toronto FC make the short hop (if it wasn’t for the half-day airport delay) to Puget Sound from Alberta where they dispatched FC Edmonton in The NutCan. Despite the win, Aron Winter wasn't pleased with The Reds' sharpness late in the match and still seeks improvement. After last week's disappointing draw with Columbus, Winter will want to see better league play and did manage to rest some starters in order to maintain some freshness.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Phallic Tower Tussle"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SEATTLE SOUNDERS: Kasey Keller, Fredy Montero, Erik Friberg
TORONTO FC: Stefan Frei, Julian de Guzman, Alan Gordon
　
THE ODDS
- The word "emerald" being said by GolTV more times in 2 hours than over a week full week of Home Shopping Channel broadcasts: 10-1
- Seattle's wacky neon kits causing an impromptu game of TRON to break out: 50-1
- Conspiracy theorists blaming a Sounders loss to TFC on Courtney Love: 250-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Seattle is Washington's largest city with a population of 317 Sasquatch. Citizens are called "Seattlelites" and the main exports are hipster lumberjack shirts, "Venti" sized things, tossed salad and scrambled eggs
- Sounders owner / game show impresario Drew Carey is upset at MLS after having his idea of replacing the coin toss with a game of "Plinko" rejected by Don Garber
- Sounder (and ex-TFC) forward / slow movement enthusiast O'Brian White was fired as spokesmen for the XBOX Kinetic video game system when his motion couldn't be detected
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH:
"Shmellsh like de teen shpiritsh"
　
NEEDLES SAY: 2-0 Seattle
TOWERS SAY: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "ALAN GORDON TRAPPED BY BIGFOOT HUNTERS"

AFTER 90: A Tale of Two Cities

At least we have that...

SEATTLE SOUNDERS 3 - TORONTO FC 2

It's really not the result that aches in the Reds supporter's belly today. Honestly, so few of us expected any different when one of MLS' all-time worst road teams visited one of the league's harder destinations. It's not even TFC's impotent and clumsy showing - by now we're used to it and have seen it all before. No... that gnawing in the pit of the stomach, while an ML$E ticket renewal notice sits in the inbox, is looking at what the Seattle Sounders have become in half the time it has taken to destroy Toronto's football dream. As Reds fans taste their fourth official playoff elimination in four years, falling at the hands of a club which has so much more, makes it all the more bitter.

• While Toronto FC supporters have had to endure corporate press releases and "feel good" stories of long-term goals and "5 Year Plans", Seattle has built a club from scratch (they didn't retain their USL squad) in half the time and has qualified for the playoffs in their first two seasons while appearing in the US Open Cup Final in 2010 and 2011
• Seattle has a responsible private ownership that has tried, and continues to try, to listen to supporters concerns and build a proper football club. It has people in their ownership group who were football supporters long before owning the club and not a collection of hockey-centric "board members" whose only goal is profits for their shareholders
• Sounders have managed to assemble a young, quick and exciting core with their best years ahead of them with players like Sanna Nyassi, Fredy Montero and Steve Zakuani. Meanwhile TFC now has to rebuild through a group of sub-par "grinders" such as Nick Garcia, Jacob Peterson and Martin Saric - the results of a club with no scouting system and a dubiously cozy past relationship with a single agency
• While Toronto FC decided to give the keys to the club to a Scottish circus ringleader on day one and not build an infrastructure around him... Seattle decided to build a front office from the ground up and then hire the best available MLS manager there was in Sigi Schmid. This was before they ever kicked a ball. No doubt big names, like today's Ciro Ferrara rumour, will circulate around TFC's head coach opening but those will only last as long as season ticket renewal season does
• Seattle signalled their intent as a "big club" in the first year by signing DP Freddie Ljungberg and acquiring Fredy Montero. When things weren't going good enough this season they dispatched Ljungberg and replaced him with the superior and exciting Swiss International Blaise Nfuko who has lit up the league since his arrival. TFC in comparison waited for 2 1/2 years before signing a seemingly reluctant DP in Julian de Guzman who is a good player, but wasn't the right player for TFC. Four years of big "emergency" signings such as Laurent Robert, Rohan Ricketts, Carlos Ruiz and now Mista have been one disaster after another.
• Perhaps, saddest of all is seeing their fans. While much of their organized support does seem canned and a touch corporate, there is no denying the fun and excitement on their faces safe in the knowledge that their best days are ahead. We had that in Toronto too, but four years of anti-Seattle club mismanagement tends to knock it out of you

MAN OF THE MATCH: Blaise Nfuko (SEA)
GOAT OF THE MATCH: The suits eating caviar at the Leafs pre-season match

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Big. Loud. Green... with envy

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "4/5ths OF 5 YEAR PLAN COMPLETE"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Hey, comparing Seattle to TFC is apples and oranges. We've had four years to get this bad - they could still catch us." - ML$E VP Tom Anselmi uses his favourite produce-based line

Tired of hearing "we're never giving up", tired of Seattle, and like irony? Enjoy...

THE MATCHUP: Special ML$E Soccer Game Preview

" Mmm... the fragrance of hopes and dreams up in smoke"

SEATTLE SOUNDERS (7th) VS. TORONTO FC (10th)
　
Qwest Field - Saturday 3:30PM ET
TV: CBC
　
There has been a whole whack of "The Matchup" issues since April of this year. While we strive to bring you the strangest of all Toronto FC match previews on the market - even a D-list, very local (my office) celebrity football blogger can get beat-down by mediocrity. The season is over in all competitions (I don't want to hear about math) so we thought we'd hand over the keys to "The Matchup" to a responsible figure. We asked if a member of the ML$E Board would ghost write the preview for us and while we cannot confirm or deny his ML$E connection, his breath did smell of money, virgins and the blood of the poor. Enjoy!
　
“Yes. Hello. Or... Hola, Ciao... whatever you immigrant soccer people say. Look I don't have a lot of time for this. The contractor is coming by to fix the Giant Laser and there's a shipment of panda-meat coming in on a gold-plated Concorde in 10 minutes. The FC's isn't something I know anything about. They make wads of dough, their fans keep coming back and like being on commercials - and, the GrassLeafs cost way less in salary than the real important Leafs.
　
What I don't understand is why Seattle has FC after their name too? Can't we sue for that? The FC's is our nickname! I don't understand - must be some kind of European thing. And shouldn't it be SC? It's called soccer douches - football is a real man's sport played in the NFL... and I guess the Argos, when they move to BMO. Oh... can we erase that last line? Whatever, enjoy watching your Latinos dive against Seattle's Latinos. I've got Leafs preseason to attend, and unicorn DNA to procure.”
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Derby? Is this a horse race? Immigrants."
　
SEATTLE'S BEST: “Christ, I don't know... Frasier, Kurt Cobain... who cares?”
PENSION PLAN: “Umm... Dave De Romario, Julio Guzman, Steven Fry... are those things?”
　
THE ODDS:
- “One single tear being shed by MLSE no matter how many protests, signs and chants the FC fan clubs do": 5000-1
- “The FC's still announcing a 95%+ season ticket renewal... no matter what": 2-1
- “MLS Cup attendance assured by promise of free beer, Danny Dichio Bobbleheads and Scotts' Girls in bikinis... in November! Hahahahaha!”: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- “Someone told me that these Seattle Sounders are only in their second year and have made the playoffs in both and have won a cup - what gives? Haven't they heard of multiple 5 Year Plans?”
- “Apparently soccer is actually a popular game in other parts of the world. You know what's wrong with other parts of the world? Full of foreigners.”
- “Seattle and the Washington State area is a great region for rare Sasquatch blood - always a big fave at the MLSE Christmas Party."
　
SOUVENIR KURT COBAIN DNA (Which I own) SAYS: “3-1 Seattle”
THE CITY OF TORONTO (Which I also own) SAYS: “2-2 Tie - Is there a shoot-out?”
HEADLINE: "FC: STANDS FOR FOREIGN...."
　
Okay, okay - we will stop the billionaire ghost writer there. We thank him for taking a break from important financial meetings / sucking the life-force from nubile blondes.

The South Stand Report : TFC v Seattle... or No Forwards, Mo Problems

------------------------ Does this offend you? Should I stop?

Wow, the DeRosario goal parade is marching along as the midfield hitman has bagged all of the reds goals thus far in the season's infancy. Mo still has a job. It's a typical "sunny Glasgow afternoon" in Toronto (meaning drizzling piss). And TFC's "flashes of brilliance" have mostly involved a penalty spot - EXACTLY WHAT IS OUTLINED IN YEAR 4 OF A 5 YEAR PLAN, RIGHT MO!?!

Pre-kickoff - my rendition of the American national anthem has offended someone to the point of confrontation. My apologies to the man, his American wife (who came up here for a better life, I suspect) and the arduous three years of "offence". I only wish you could have said something in a more timely manner, as in three years ago. I really wanted to ask you to suck it up, right to free speech and all that type of stuff and perhaps channel that rage to something valuable. But hey, take your small victory and revel in it because you made the world a better place for you. Nevermind that I have many American friends, I have family in America. Your opinion matters most. So I will sing the American national anthem in the key befitting of a tenor, like myself, next game. I still win.

I bring this anecdote to your attention because it really did a number on my fire for the game.
Predictions : 2-0 to Seattle. Call us haters if you will (and many of you will), but do you really believe Toronto is capable of a cohesive victory against anyone right now? If you answer "yes" to this question, please click here for a report more to your liking. If you answer "no", please enjoy our comfy blog.

Also, it's raining and making my notebook wet. I'm not going to guess at the starting 11 from here, but it looks close to the starting 11 from the beginning of the second half against Philly.

Early quote of the match:

I've read your website, it's like TMZ for football.

- Gentleman infront of us

10' - Labrocca interrupts a clearance, and ends up laying a ball into the path of The Chad who does the right thing by backing off for White to fire a shot, causing Keller to make a palm diving save. The Chad is getting better folks, I swear...

15' - YELLOW - Saric for, um, stuff...

17' - YELLOW - This time I caught Usanov for a late tackle and a booking

20' - The Chad "falls" and the ref "ignores" his pleas for an outside-of-the-box free kick. It wasn't a foul Chad, get up.

22' - Labrocca has a go from 20 yds out and just zips wide right of the post. Nice to know someone else is willing to take a chance.

33 - Labrocca free kick redirects for a corner by a leaping hand... no card? Really? Hmmm...

Quote of the match:

It's like the Daily Show of blogs

- Gentleman to our left

Yes, asskissing does work people.

HALF-TIME MOOD: 2 parts melancholy, 1 part confusion

49' - Sturgis (umm... that's what I wrote) gets a bit of a break down the right side and fires a shot right at Frei. Very weak effort.

51' - YELLOW - Cann goes into the book for his own late tackle. I'm 50/50 on this one so I'll say he deserved it.

56' - Seattle pressure to the right of Frei results in human pinball and after about the 8th ricochet, Labrocca clears the ball.

58' - GOAL - DeRosario ends up on the end of a Seattle screw up on the edge of the box and punishes the mistake rightly so. Without his smooth funky robot celebratory dance, I was informed the goal was in dedication of the memory of his late Uncle. Very nice sir.

60' - The Chad can't settle a ball, which segues nicely into a Sounders counter attack. Evans on a break from 40 yrds out and Frei comes sliding out and prevents a real chance. Outstanding save.
62' - SUB - The Chad is off, Gargan is on. Not sure of the logic of this one. Chad wasn't particularly poor. Maybe he was hurt. Maybe Gargan learned which way the offence was pointing (hint: magnetic north)

74' - SUB - Labrocca is off, Cronin is on. I'm glad to see Cronin get some time. There's no way anyone could put forth an arguement that Labrocca or Gargan is a better wide midfielder than Cronin, but I'm not Preki...

75' - Ljungberg runs right into the path of Attakora and falls down like a house of cards for a free kick. I guess he's getting in those dives now. Nothing becomes of it.

76' - GOAL - Oh. Good. God! This is something straight out of the good footy! DeRo crosses a low ball just inside the 18 yd box to find White and one touch BURIES it opposite right. Top shelf, top class, Keller didn't have a chance. Brilliant.

79' - SUB - DeRo is off, your favourite apple and mine, Gabe Gala is in. Big round of applause deservedly so.

83' - Ljundberg gets a give and go with Zakuani, with the ensuing scramble leads the ball to Montero's feet and Frei all over him to make another outstanding save. Again.

4 MINUTES OF EXTRA TIME

FULL TIME : Toronto 2, Seattle 0

Man of the Match : DeRosario was great, but Frei bailed us out on opportunities that usually end up in goals against. Frei kept TFC in it, Frei is our MotM.

Goat of the Game : Nobody was particularly clueless. Our defence each took a turn being a screw up. Between the four of them, there were 3 good players and one goat. So 1/4 of each defender = "goat"

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Did a great job keeping things in order. The linesman was out in force doing the 10-yard free kick enforcement thing and every blown call and a freebie recovery call later. Great balance, let them play. Very content.

The brains behind most of TheYorkies.ca postings said it best : everything is coming together, we just need a spine... a centreback or two and a forward. Our centre of the field is the weakest part and it's true. Are TFC turning a corner? It's hard to say, but when they looked good, they looked really good. And when they looked sloppy, it wasn't cusp-of-an-anyeurism kind of stupid sloppy. This was a much better TFC than the previous 4 games thus far.

Also, we would like to gush for our love, yet again, for the North End Elite. We saw not 1 anti-Mo banner, but 2 and an anti-MLSE one. Seriously. I love them. They CARE folks. They want better of TFC. They want better treatment of us supporters. Some more respect and transparancy of the front office. Seriously, I would hug them all. Best. Tifos. Ever.

Next game is NutCan time! Montreal is visiting. Hopefully we'll see a TFC that is overpowering and comprehensive... but Wednesday is a lifetime away.

THE MATCHUP: Patience is a virtue... but goals win matches

----------"Uh, I actually think "Guns & Roses sang 'Patience'."

TORONTO FC (14th) VS. SEATTLE SOUNDERS (5th)

BMO Field - Sunday 2:00PM EST
TV: CBC----- RADIO: The FAN590
　
For a man who has been so wily with his words, especially with the media, Mo Johnston put his foot in his mouth this week, infuriating long-suffering supporters. While addressing the woeful start to the season to some gathered press types, the misDirector of Football/ Glaswegian Truth Massager asked TFC's long suffering supporters for "patience". Yes, I nearly spit up my supper too.
　
While banging on about being on "the right track" and making a deep squad and putting Paul Dickov on the moon, Mo forgot to look past the irony of this week's opponent. Second-year Sounders went deep into the playoffs in their first year, won the US Open Cup (much harder than our lone NutCan) and look even stronger in year two. They bought an impact DP (in a position they needed) before they kicked a ball and will likely come to BMO and kick TFC in the balls for the second year running.
　
But alas, after dressing more than seventy-five players in three seasons, four head coaches, countless "scouting trips" and the phone number of one agent - it is us, the supporters who are the impatient ones. So remember fans, as you shiver in the rain and wind while a second-year club with weapons like Freddie Ljungberg, Nate Jaqua and Fredy Montero play good football - it's your fault for being impatient. Yes, for not being able to do in five years what Seattle has done in two is your fault... and the turf, and John Carver/ Chris Cummins, and the chip butty chef and one or both of Celtic and/ or Rangers. But never Maurice Johnston. Never.
　
SONG OF THE DAY: To Nirvana’s “(Smells Like) Teen Spirit”
We've been patient, but he's played us,
Fire Mo now, or enrage us!
　
KURT COBAIN'S GHOST SAYS: 2-0 Seattle
"SPOONMAN" SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "CLUB ON 'RIGHT TRACK' HAMMERED BY GOOD CLUB"

The South Couch Report : Seattle v. Toronto... or Emeralds v. Rubies in the gemstone battle to the death!

I love Seattle. It's a great city. Nice people. Peroshki's are tasty. Pike Place is kinda neat. Even that random gum wall thingie in the bowels is a talking point. And The Pink Door is a wonderful restaurant and their hostess is the best looking MILF I've ever seen charming and friendly.

I also like the Sounders. I have two Emerald City Supporters scarves. Though I'm not a fan of Ljungberg, Seattle has supported various incarnations of the Sounders and that's enough for me to fawn over them in admiration.

Toronto is without a few players due to hotheadedness. We can't miss them, can we?

You know, I'm not big on these intros.

Onto the match!

3 - DeRo misses a 12 yd sitter. I hope Seattle realizes that they got away with that one.

5 - Barrett gets sent up the pitch but is flagged offside. I like the ambition.

9 - More ambition from the reds as DeRo caught offside heading the ball towards Keller.

11 - Guevara sends a ball across the box and a few red shirts near by but not near enough.

17 - Tyrone Marshall goes down injured and gets subbed. As a fan of his pairing with Velez, I wish him well and hope he'll be back soon.

20 - Seattle counter has Jacqua curling a ball across the face and Frei stops it, preventing a disaster. Also, Jacqua's name is just fun to say... Jacqua...

This portion of the match is brought to you by Jacqua Body Lotion and Spa Treatment

See...

21 - Toronto look pretty damn comfortable.

22 - DeRo floats a pretty ball and The Chad just misses the superman header. The net has been known to be his kryptonite, hasn't it...

23 - Guevara smacks it off the crossbar... oh my fragile heart...

25 - Seattle presses forcing a wonderful diving stop from the Swiss Mister.

29 - DeRo offside, still Keller makes a wonderful save.

33 - Seattle pressing, nice cross but Montero heads the ball back? Confused...

I'd like to say that the Seattle announcing team is calling this like a hockey game. I kinda like it in a strange Canadian-stereotype kinda way.

37 - Gomez and Attakora double up on Montero to prevent a likely difficult save from Frei

38 - DeRo puts a low ball to find Cronin and rolls the ball just wide right of the goal.

41 - YELLOW - Attakora puts Ljunberg to the ground and gets a booking. Ensuing free kick finds Hurtado? heading the ball just wide.

45+1 - DeRo tries to beat the entire Seattle side. Gets as far as just outside the box.

HALF-TIME : This is Toronto?! TFC!? Agressive? ON THE ROAD?! I'll say "hallucinating" as the mood then.

53 - The game is starting to look more like the game I predicted. Seattle build up, Toronto failing...

61 - Montero gets on the end of a scramble and Frei is forced to make a good save. The hockey announcer is getting on my nerves calling them "The Toronto FC".

God, I want a marching band...

63 - Ljungberg is starting to cause a headache with a darting run and a shot heading for the top shelf only to be pushed away by Frei.

65 - Ljungberg is adamant with this "scoring" bullsh*t. The attempts are getting closer to the net and further from Frei.

67 - YELLOW - Gomez gets a booking for a deliberate hand-ball which was a bit harsh.

70 - Sanyang makes another header save off the line AGAIN after a scramble lets Jacqua take a shot that should've gone in.

72 - DeRo and Hurdato start a pushing match and Ljungberg is the third man in. and the cards come out...

YELLOW - DeRo. Ljungberg gets booked too and is about to lose his crap after getting words in with Cummings.

75 - DeRo takes apart two Sounder defenders and forces a corner. Nothing happens.

77 - Gerba gets into the game (finally) and forces a corner with a low shot at the right post. Keller punches the crap out of the ball to clear.

79 - Seattle does a fail with some nice short passes right into the box and Evans gets the ball on his bad foot behind him. 6 inches forward and that's a crazy save to make.

82 - Sounders are down everywhere as Jacqua collides with Gomez and - Jacqua is down.

90 - Le Toux gets released by Jacqua and what should've been a goal gets shot right at Frei. I wonder if both teams have been fortunate for clean sheets today.

4 minutes of extra time

Something is missing with this game... I can't quite put my finger on it, but I like it.

90+3 - Alonzo gets onto a ball a few feet out and Frei comes up huge with a great stop. That was the game folks.
FULL TIME - Seattle (somehow) 0 : Toronto (somehow) 0

Man of the Match : DeRo. DeRo needs another DeRo to feed off of and then the pair of DeRos will be the greatest duo in footballing history.

Goat of the game : Nobody was terribly bad. I wasn't overly impressed with Gomez to be honest, but he's still got 'new player smell'.

Ref Meter : 4 out of 5. Even with the collapse of all social graces, he booked the right guys and could've easily shown a red card or two.

As a side note : that logo at the top is the only 'flattering' one. My friend came up with that. It almost was the Seattle Coffees... almost.

"Tossed salad and scrambled eggs... we're scoreless again"

Impotence is no laughing matter for a man. It's even less funny when 11 men have it. Toronto FC's anemic finishing was in full effect today as the Reds were held to a 0-0 draw at Seattle's Qwest Field. The rotating cast of characters up front saw Dwayne De Rosario partnered by Chad Barrett (!!!) with the same results as usual - nothin' much. A few close calls including De Ro shooting at an open net only to pass to his other foot and later in the half, the same De Ro sent a pinpoint perfect cross to the other striker, yeah that guy, only for it to glance off his seemingly purposeful head.

Luckily for TFC, Seattle didn't have too much about them today either. The impressive crowd couldn't spur their team on enough today and despite their best efforts, SSFC were as impotent as Toronto. Freddie Ljungberg showed his class as the only DP on the field (hint, hint Mo) and came close to scoring, but the Swedish glamour model's biggest contribution to entertainment was a hissy fit/ near-slapping match with half of TFC in the 2nd half. In the end "Scoreless In Seattle" was a fair result.

If only there was a visual representation of maddening impotent frustration...

Stay connected for the official Yorkies match report later today.

Match Preview: Smells Like (No) Team Spirit

SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC VS. TORONTO FC
Qwest Field - Saturday 4:00PM EST
TV: CBC RADIO: The Fan 590

TFC finally embarks on their first trip to the town everyone in MLS is talking about. No not expansion candidate Birmingham, Alabama - it's the jewel of the Pacific Northwest - Seattle! That is of course if you don't count Vancouver. And maybe Portland. I hear Eugene, Oregon is nice too. Either way - it’s Seattle! What can you say about the Emerald City? It's famous for overpriced coffee, Kurt Cobain's mysterious death, "Spoonman", rioting against the World Bank, TV's "Frasier" and that tossed salad song of his, the poor man's CN Tower, Xavier McDaniel's huge dunks and "Harry and the Hendersons". Damn you Seattle and your Generation X' iness - suck on our Tower. They've also got a football club with a good heritage (for North America) and an obvious solid fan base. So hyped are their support numbers that Don Garber has been cheating on TFC with them! Remember when we were your sweethearts Don? What did we do? ... Oh, the not winning? I'd say we can change but...On to the road game!

SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC - 8-6-9 - 3rd in WEST (5th OVERALL)
There has never been an expansion tag on this club. No management yarns about 5 year plans, no waiting on bringing in a DP, no playing just for pride for the first few years. How dreamy must that be? Since SSFC came to BMO Field on opening day and pissed on our old green rug they have shown the league that they are here to compete. They bought a lot of pricey players (in MLS terms) and they have paid off. Swedish Chef/ Underwear salesman Freddie Ljungberg still has the ability to control a game from the attacking midfield position while the main recipient of his passes, Colombian wonderkid Freddy Montero, leads the club with 10 goals. Throw into the rave green mixture a resurgent Nate Jacqua (7G, 7A) and an internationally renowned 'keeper in Kasey Keller and you can see why success has come early. The fans are filling the stadium and the Supersonic-less city seems to be embracing the club which no doubt has itself a bright future. The only plus for TFC is that Sounders had lost 3 out of 4 before last week's draw but they play well at home.

TORONTO FC - 8-6-8 - 3rd in EAST (8th OVERALL)
As if the usual Toronto road trip malaise wasn't bad enough, TFC has spent the week fighting fires from it's two biggest names. First was the Dwayne De Rosario "No Grass, Kiss My Ass - 2010" story followed by DichioGate later in the week. Tomorrow will prove whether or not the team spirit has stayed somewhat intact or if the dressing room is as fractured as some fear. Interim Mo puppet/ nice guy Chris Cummins will have some hard choices to make with two big gaps to fill in the way of Carl Robinson and Adrian Serioux. The two suspended hard men supply this team with 99% of its steel and that isn't easily replaced with rookies. The youth movement replay in the Reds loss to Chivas last week was not successful but TFC's puddle-like depth offers Cummins very little option. Luckily, midfielder Sam Cronin plays like a young Carl Robinson and seems very composed but the bright lights and 30,000 plus crowd of Qwest may be too much for the younger boys on the team. If TFC are going to get anything from this match, it will only be with a full team effort.

THE STARTING 11: Surprising Drew Carey innovations at Seattle Sounders FC

11. All contracts decided after players spin giant wheel with different possible wages on it.

10. Team comes out on to the pitch for pre-game warm-up in a 2009 Winnebago!

9. When a Sounders player is subbed out, PA announcer yells out a spectator's name and tells them to "Come on down!"

8. If the match ends in a draw, the two opposing managers face-off in a Showcase Showdown!

7. Escalators to QWest Field upper deck replaced by yodeling mountain climber.

6. Neon green home kits adorned with giant yellow nametags.

5. Passing game made redundant after pitch replaced by giant Plinko board.

4. Freddie Ljungberg only signed with Seattle after clause in contract promised him a role as a future "Barker's Beauty".

3. No one leaves empty handed - all losing teams leave Seattle with a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni.

2. Team is motivated by Bob Barker's pre-game threats to have poor performers "spayed or neutered".

1. Player's decision: The MLS Cup... or a Brand New Buick LeSabre!