THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Portland Timbers

"Curved is the new straight"

 

Welcome to "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide for the adventurous football supporter to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us now as we continue our way across this girthy continent...

THE OPPONENT:

PORTLAND TIMBERS

JELD-WEN FIELD - Portland, Oregon

THE TOWN:

Long before being the hippest town in America was popular, Portland, Oregon was "America's Hippest Town". Located in Southern Bigfoot Country, USA, the once wholly un-ironic village of Portland was settled in that very cool year of 1959, during the great American teak furniture boom. The town foundation is historically attributed to "unintentionally" stylish artisan furniture maker/faux lumberjack - Jebediah Timber or "Timber Jeb" as he was known on the street. There was only one street.

Modern day Portland, now named "Portland" after TV show "Portlandia", retained its hipster-vibe throughout the 60's but a population boom saw an increase in pedestrians - and that's just so pedestrian. As the coolnessosity levels dwindled, so did local industry leaving once proud sawmills as empty ironic sawmills. However, the late 1990's and 2000's brought in a new generation of Pacific Northwesterners turned off by Seattle's insistence on broadcasting "Frasier" on local TV 24/7.

The new Portlanders brought with them a new style and re-introduced plaid to the region along with new inventions called whiskey, thick-rimmed reading glasses and the slim-leg trouser. The now thriving city has once-again claimed its rightful place as "America's Hippest Town" and is home to nearly a million people who "lived there before you heard of it".



Portland City Council

THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Chicago Fire

Makes "Datsun Park" look like a hole 

Welcome to "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide for the adventurous football supporter to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us now as we continue our way across this girthy continent...

THE OPPONENT:
CHICAGO FIRE
TOYOTA PARK - Bridgeview, Illinois

THE TOWN:
Nestled along the Long Duck Dong Bay of southern Lake Michigan is the quaint and utterly relaxed hamlet of Bridgeview, Illinois - Chicagoland suburb and home to Chicago Fire. Although archeological evidence of a past Native American settlement named Brathemocblanco (Translation: "Where the Rotund Goat becomes Sausage") is abundant, modern-day Bridgeview is a relatively young village, fiercely proud of its moniker as "America's Day Off Town".

Incorporated in 1986, Bridgeview had a peculiar start as co-founder and first mayor, Cameron Frye, using clauses from the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act, managed to seize control of the region from former hardline local area principal Edward Rooney. Frye, with support of a local population of motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies and dickheads established the town in honour of a local dying teen (later proven to be misdiagnosed). To celebrate the (apparent) short time the teen had left on this earth, Bridgeview was proclaimed as a place where anyone in the Chicago-area that needed a "day off with no questions asked" would always be welcomed.

With such blatant disregard for work ethic, Bridgeview has had more than its fair share of economic hiccups but has prospered somewhat in the synthesizer, gag medical diagnostics and erotic floral delivery industries. With an exciting "daylife" (as opposed to "nightlife") Bridgeview has something for anyone who may have a few hours to kill. Must-sees for any sightseer include: the cured meat wonderment of The Abe Froman Hall of Sausage; the deep lush wilderness of The Ferrari Ravine; and, the whimsical Multilingual Multilevel Parking Garage (gratuity not included). So take a day off for Bridgeview, Illinois... just tell them there's a funeral or something.

Village motto: "Ohhhhh yeeeah! Chicka-chick-ahh"

 

Charity begins at home...

THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Los Angeles Galaxy

The Artist Formerly Known as Home Depot Center 

 

As regular readers have come to know, The Yorkies is nothing if not a den of trusted, sober, hard-hitting journalistic integrity doubling as a destination where ground-breaking scholastic knowledge is shared amongst fellow intellectuals. Also: Gags about Collin Samuel's lunch.

 

Today we proudly bring you, the discerning Away Day supporter, the first in our off-season series "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us this off-season as we take you - the voyager that thirsts for new horizons, bold adventure and witnessing Toronto FC lose 3-0 away - across this rotund continent. The world is our oyster, let us shuck each other silly.

"The world is a book, those who do not travel read only one page." – St. Augustine

"Any place to get a nice bit of sausage sandwich 'round here?"

- The Yorkies

 

THE OPPONENT:

LOS ANGELES GALAXY

STUBHUB CENTRE - Carson, California

 

THE TOWN:

Nestled south of sprawling Metro Los Angeles lays the tranquil, fern-laden suburban expanse of Carson, California. This precocious burg was founded in 1978 and named after its inadvertent founding father, television personality Johnny Carson. Although Carson only visited the town once (accidentally passing through en route to Rancho Cucamonga) it was originally settled by guests who were bumped from "The Tonight Show" due to time constraints. Through disappointment over floundering careers and a car-service missing the back-flap of its L.A. road map, these pioneers/entertainment industry pariahs assembled to establish the mediocre town.

 

Modern-day Carson is a bustling satellite community with frequent transportation links to Los Angeles via limousines that are headed to work in Hollywood, the hitchhiker-sharing service ZipperCar and joy-riding dudes on fake "CHiPs" motorcycles. Local industry has grown incrementally but Carson is now a major hub for cue card technology, the laugh track sciences and Botox syringe disposal. The vain yet friendly local population is made up of an eclectic mixture of confused stuntmen, celebrity chimpanzees and hookers with hearts of gold.

Carson boasts many fine cultural and entertainment destinations to indulge in, both pre and post-match. Sites on every itinerary should include the grand seat of local government The Arsenio City Hall; the lush natural oasis of The Whitaker Forest - made up entirely of artificial houseplants from former talk show sets; the haunting museum dedicated to Quantum Leap Sciences - The Hall of Bakulas; and, of course, no visit to this mostly acceptable town is complete without sampling the fine musical stylings of The Doc Severinsen Philharmonic Orchestra now housed in local gymnasium - The Bruce Arena.
 

The Original Carson