"Ooh look over there!" Liverpool friendly marks return of shiny distractions in Toronto

Suarez: Non-feline, sometime-racist version

"We're haven't won a match in 2012... grumble, grumble"
"OMG it's Steven Gerrard for 20 minutes!"
　
"This rebuilding process is going nowhere fast"
"Yahoo we get to sing 'You'll Never Walk Alone' poorly!"
　
"TFC has no depth at forward or on defence!"
"Is that Suarez?"
"My kitty cat?"
"No Soolsma - the sometimes racist Uruguayan!"
　
That's right, much like the early days of Toronto FC's existence, the sad state of the club is being promotionally ignored with a big, shiny, mid-season, absolutely meaningless friendly. Where the likes of Aston Villa, Benfica and Real Madrid once stepped, along comes those other Reds - Liverpool FC, in a match soon to be made official.
　
Unlike the previous friendlies, this one will be held in SkyDome on July 21st in a fixture that the club will carefully state is being organized by the good people at Rogers - and not them. Somehow TFC are innocent victims in this profit-making scheme which may help answer angry questions lobbed their way about their acceptance of changing a pre-existing fixture in order to open this slot. The fact that the MLS fixture is rescheduled to a date during an International break later in the year where many Reds (the Toronto kind) will be absent is none of your business. Did we mention Liverpool?
　
These mid-season friendlies - that always mange to injure someone for the season - are simply bush-league in a market like Toronto. Sure it was fine in the early days in order to build the club's popularity, but weren't we supposed to be way past that? Instead, it harkens back to the bad old days of Mo Johnston where we were expected to ignore the utter garbage of our weekly MLS existence because we'd have the honour of paying through the nose to watch Cristiano Ronaldo do keepy-uppies for 45 minutes.
　
In a season that has started off in as calamitous a fashion as possible - these shiny distractions may make a few ex-pat Merseysiders forget that TFC can't win a game but it does nothing to help the club. Watching Danny Koevermans tear his hamstring against a Liverpool reserve squad defender isn't going to make any new MLS fans out of Liverpool die-hards in attendance nor will it help develop a TFC team who may be looking at six years without playoffs. There is only one reward that Reds fans who brave BMO Field all year deserve, and it's not listening to other Reds fans pretend that SkyDome is Anfield.

THE STARTING 11: Chivas USA re-brands

When he watches football... he likely doesn't watch Chivas USA



While we are no fans of changing team identities unless absolutely necessary (i.e. Sporting Kansas) sometimes you just have to admit things are stuck in the Roller Hockey era and need a different approach (i.e. Crew, Revolution, Rapids, Impact) While not lumbered with a 90's Nike-infused identity, Chivas USA were branded in a way that alienates Los Angeles football fans who have a built-in hatred for The Goats' parent club Chivas Guadalajara. Despite a history of mostly under-par performances on the pitch, it's in the stands, where attendance is thin at best, where the worry must lay. Could these changes in identity be enough to get fans down to Home Depot Center? When Galaxy isn't playing that is. Oh... and when it's not a school night.
　
11. FC Zenit San Andreas
　
10. Borussia Monchihuahua
　
9. Pachuca North End
　
8. Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Club in the World"
　
7. Sheffield Miercoles
　
6. Santos Laguna's Little Helper
　
5. Deportivo De La Carson
　
4. Galatacoray
　
3. FC Girondins de Border Patrol
　
2. Club UnAmerica
　
1. IFK Goatborg

THE TABLE FIVE REPORT : Toronto v. Chivas... or Can you do a match report of a match you didn't see?

This will be the weakest report ever written.  With our principle author slumming it up in England watching some non-league footie, no doubt, and yours truly had to give up his tickets for a wedding (congratulations Rob and Shannon), it was necessary for some kind of report since the others weren't really up to it.

My prediction was a 1-1 draw with the belief that we must learn to walk before we can learn to run.

With my forensic research abilities, this is what I've been able to piece together.


6' - WEDDING - Seated at Table 5 with a bunch of people I don't really know.  Time to check the score on the phone.  No goals yet.

20'- Kocic makes a great stop a Ryan Smith rocket after it takes a deflection off of Aceval.


31' - GOAL - Minda takes the ball from a Bolaños corner and heads it down to the pitch bouncing up into the top left corner. 

Robins 0, Los Whiskeys 1

32' - WEDDING - Phone says the Robins are down by one.  Heading to the bar, coming back double fisted with rum and cokes.

34' - WEDDING - Nice!  Alcohol isn't watered down.  Feel bad about giving the bride and groom a stack of 15% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupons since I doubt we'll ever use the 25% off ones...

37' - WEDDING - Here comes the wedding party being introduced to the hall.  The MC is left to be desired but what do I know, I'm a smart-ass.  Everyone should be coming into this if you're going to strut like that. #mandatory

44' - Zemanski has a go from 20 yds out and Kocic does his best superman impression to save it.

Half Time Mood : Girlfriend is pissed.  "Why do you keep looking at the phone when we can talk about our wedding?" That's why I keep looking at the phone.

47' - Johnson has his shot blocked at the end of a maurading run down the right side of the pitch.

56' - SUB - Aceval makes way for Doniel Henry.

66' - YELLOW - Lambe gets booked for something.

69' - WEDDING - This clam and potato dish is rather tasty.  There's certainly some cheese mixed into the crust and it's served on a clam shell-shaped plate.  So cute.

70' - Plata turns his defender around and puts a cross into the box and Koeverman's blind touch can't beat Kennedy.

71' - SUB - Silva comes off for Avila.

79' - Avila floats a brilliant ball across pitch to Johnson who beats Kennedy but it cleared off the line by Kennedy.

81' - WEDDING - I always understood a speech is something that you prepare and don't just make up on the spot.  Turns out everyone involved with making a speech are familiar with this definition.  Seriously, if you're going to go off the top of the head, "Ummm..." should not come up more than once per sentence.

84' - Johnson is the unluckies bugger ever, a great cross and Johnson heads it back across the face of goal but just wide of the post.

89' - Counterattack long ball finds Plata who lays a perfect ball to Koevermans and his shot is stopped by Kennedy.  The frustration is visible.

90+2' - WEDDING - Got up to sing a song for the bride and groom to they could kiss. Sang the Danny Dichio song.  Groom asks my "why that song?" and I responded "well, you chose to keep the wedding date after the schedule was released... so there's some payback"

Full Time : Toronto 0, Chivas 1

Man of the Match : Consensus was that Johnson was worthy of the honours.  From what I saw, honorable mentions need to go to both Kocic and to Kennedy.

Goat of the Game : Consensus was "everyone else was bad".

From Dom, "the game, awful dude, just awful". RohanKoomar postulates about the match "I don't think our midfield is good enough.  We have good individual players but don't seem to click". 

I'd like to give props to Toronto FC's "Game In Six Minutes" for letting me experience the pain and discomfort in 1/15th of the time.


I'd like to apologize for this attempt and I did what I can.  Not much insight, to be sure, but regular service will resume this weekend vs. Chicago.  Promise.

THE MATCHUP: No tempers flare as Canada FC faces Club UnAmerica"

Can't we all get along? Oh and...Ariba!



TORONTO VS. CHIVAS USA
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET
TV: GOL TV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Outside of Rick Martel and Tito Santana's 80's wrestling tag-team "Strike Force" uniting both sets of fans - these two teams have about as little to do with each other as any in MLS. They probably like us a bit for knocking Galaxy out of the CCL and for playing against Santos Laguna, but outside of that? Meh. Do they miss Preki? No? We have that in common. See! He's good for something after all!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El NAFTA"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Julian de Guzman, Joao Plata, Luis Silva
CHIVAS USA: Juan Pablo Angel, Nick LaBrocca, Heath Pearce
　
THE ODDS:
- Juan Pablo Angel still scoring against TFC at will: 3-1
- Nick LaBrocca stopping match to remind us about filing our taxes on time: 10-1
- With Montreal now in the league, fixture losing official title of "Most Un-American MLS Match": 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
There can be little argument that Chivas USA are one of Major League Soccer's weakest links. Did the bright ownership not stop to think that they may alienate all of the Mexican expats in the LA area who weren't Chivas Guadalajara supporters? Would Toronto-area Chelsea, West Ham or Spurs fans have supported Toronto Arsenal FC? Uh-huh. But not to fear... Chivas’ white knight could very well be David Beckham who apparently has the clause to buy an MLS club at the end of his contract. Whispers in the LA football/fashion industries say Becks wants to transform the club into "C.D. Hombres USA" and stack the club with handsome and hunky Latino underwear models.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "JACOB PETERSON TAKES TO TWITTER - CALLS FIXTURE AN 'AFFRONT TO AMERICAN VALUES'"

THE STARTING 11: Strange Toronto FC insults from Impact supporters

"Thanks... was that so hard?"

With the first MLS meeting between Toronto FC and Olympique du Fromage behind us, it is safe to say "The 401 Derby" is here to stay. There is very little love lost between the red clad fans on this end of the highway and the bleu clad on the eastern end. With so many Montreal Impact fans on hand in The Big O to "welcome" TFC and their supporters it was no surprise that things got a petit bit testy. While some of the overheard chants and insults were clever, and others were just... well insulting... some must have been lost in translation.
　
11. "Monarchist Dichio-addicts!"
　
10. "Non-Smoking De Ro danglers!"
　
9. "Ungrateful Laurent Robert deniers!"
　
8. "VIA-riding Sutton users!"
　
7. "Deodorant-happy Mitsou haters!"
　
6. "Parliamentary poutine smugglers!"
　
5. "Bibliotheque-searching Hardenites!"
　
4. Swiss Chalet swallowing Carlsberg guzzlers!"
　
3. "BMO-stealing Gerba wasters!"
　
2. "Ketchup covering French Fry abusers!"
　1. "Leafs fans!"

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Montreal v Toronto... or Derby Day is weird when no one has won a game yet

I love a traditional looking logo.  You're welcome.

Game 1.  Well, it is really game 4, but unlike the start, right now, the league is the sole focus.  No more players out due to suspension or cup ties.  Just the usual injury drama.

Montreal are ahead of Toronto in the league standings, however in five attempts, they've got a point.  So this may be the only period of the season where the Cheese Makers are ahead of our beloved Robins.  We hope.

Prediction is 1-1.  I'd ask my pets but I do not have any.

Onto the match.

16' - Soolsma does this crazy cut into the box with the ball, settles it and just misses the inside of the post.  There needs to be an investigation regarding Soolsma 2011 and 2012.

18' - GOAL - Bad passing between deGoo and Dunfield causes the ball to be coughed up to Neagle, who steals it right from in front of him, and lays a ball off to Ubiparipović who rockets it from 18 yds out for the bottom left corner.

Cheese Makers 1, Robins 0

28' - Cheese Maker counterattack as Nyassi just takes off and has a go from 20 yds out, forcing a good save from Kocic and better protecting of the deflection from the backtracking Eckersley.

29' - YELLOW - Eckersley goes into the book for upending Corradi, ass over tea cup.  Looked accidental but meh.

36' - Great point-blank stop from Ricketts off of a header from Kovermans to deny the big man a spot on the score sheet.

Half-Time mood : unimpressed.  Is unimpressed a mood?  If it isn't, it should be.

52' - SUB - Plata off for Silva and Eckersley off for Henry.

59' - YELLOW - deGoo goes for a careless foul and gets booked for his troubles.

65' - RED - Nyassi breaks past Screech and Screech takes the legs from behind. Foul on the edge of the box, but straight red for the kid.

66' - Ensuing free kick from Nyassi sends one dipping for the upper corner but Kocic makes a great save to tip over the bar.

68' - Johnson sents a cross into the box where Ricketts beat Koevermans to the ball in the air, but Koevermans scrambles to the loose ball and has it get cleared by Thomas before any damage could be done.

71' - Utter madness, Johnson to Koevermans crosses looking for Silva, but it hits a defender and bounces towards goal only to have it cleared off the line by a defender

72' - SUB - Soolsma comes off for Lambe.

78' - Mapp has a go from long range foring Kocic to make a diving stop.

81' - GOAL - The counter attack game for Montreal finally pays off as Mapp hoofs a huge ball for Wenger to pick up, beats Harden and slides it past Kocic.

Cheese Makers 2, Robins 0

88' - GOAL - Finally Danny Koevermans!  Lambe crosses the ball in front of the 6 yd box and Koevermans loses his marker to head it down past Ricketts. 

Cheese Makers 2, Robins 1

3 mins of Extra Time  

Full Time : Montreal 2, Toronto 1

Man of the Match : Kocic. The only guy who seemed to be playing a consistent game.  Ecks and Screech ruled themselves out with their bookings and Koevermans bagging his first didn't help the three or four misses he had earlier.

Goat of the Game : Dunfield's marauding movements forward were ill-timed and ill-positioned.

Ref Rating : 4 our of 5.  Felt they didn't blow and calls and there were a few they could've easily made a bad day worse for TFC.

Was it me or was the first half kind of 'meh'? And when Screech was sent off, the game went end to end for the duration of the match.  Toronto should consider playing with 10 men more often... and while I think of it, Toronto should treat every MLS team like a CONCACAF Champions League match from here on in.  They'll finish the season 30-4-4... Clearly still disappointed with deGoo from Wednesday as every touch that did nothing, disappointment washed over me... Ty Harden will continue to remain employed as a starter.  He has to have a massive mental lapse before Winter will so much as sub him, let alone move him to the bench... Even though Soolsma is not the fastest winger, it is still amazing to watch him turn defenders inside out... Emory was having a pretty good game until the tackle.  That had to be the weakest straight red that was a legitimate call ever.  It was still the correct call but looked almost over-killed for the sending off.

I'm watching these KickTV things with ex-pro Jimmy Conrad and the video entitled LA Galaxy 2012: Biggest MLS Flop? The Mixer and the part where he runs down the KC Wizards for being the biggest flop and then throwing to his first MLS goal is true comedy gold.  Also the open letter to UFC supremo Dana White who ran his mouth running down soccer a while ago is totally worth watching.

Kocic 7, Morgan 6, Emory 5.5, Harden 6, Eckersley 6 [Henry 6], deGoo 6, Johnson 6.5, Dunfield 5.5, Plata 6 [Silva 6], Koevermans 6.5, Soolsma 6.5 [Lambe N/A]

THE MATCHUP: Wretched are the cheesemakers



MONTREAL VS. TORONTO
　
OLYMPIC STADIUM - SATURDAY 12PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Finally, after years of teasing each other in the Canadian Championship, our "real" league derby is on tap. No offence to Columbus... but, yeah... not-so-much. With the centuries of socio-political, geographical and... ugh, yes hockeylitical, disputes between our two great cities far too deep to chronicle (despite this being a serious news website) - let's just say it will be massive. Arguably, there will be no rivalry in MLS with as much historical emotion attached as "The 401 Derby". The massive crowds, home-and-home Canadian Championship date on tap and you know... Toronto being an awesome city and all that... likely makes this fixture as good as it gets in Major League Soccer.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The 401 Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
MONTREAL: Davy Arnaud, Sanna Nyassi, Donovan Ricketts
TORONTO: Julian de Guzman, Richard Eckersley, Ashtone Morgan
　
THE ODDS:
- TSN taking Leafs vs. Habs comparisons into the thousands: EVENS
- "Qu'est-ce que vous chantez" chant ironically done in English: 10-1
- Impact fans outdoing Toronto's Dichio seat-cushion phenomenon buy tossing Saputo brand provolone slices at Patrice Bernier: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The historic city of Montreal was founded in 1567 by the infamous brie smuggler and pirate Mo Riel. The city has grown to be the largest French-speaking metropolis outside of France and is the perennial leader in the UN's moustache-to-toque ratio. With a bustling cultural scene featuring Mitsou and Bonhomme du Neige, Montreal has shaken it's industrial past as Canada's poutine and withering looks leader to become a cosmopolitan centre in line with Auckland, Brussels and Minneapolis. See also: strippers; cigarettes; Jos. Louis
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "FIERCE RIVALRY REBORN - OLYMPIC STADIUM STILL STANDING"

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Santos Laguna v. Toronto... or Do you remember that Cup run in 2012?

What a damn ride.  With every step after Dallas, "impossible" kept getting downgraded a little bit further.  And for 45 minutes, our dearest, at-times-dysfunctional, Robins made those of us who were watching that the world was ours for the taking.

Prediction : survive.  That's all.

No notes were taken during the match.  Too much excitement to remember to write things.

Onto the match:

15' - GOAL - OMGPLATA!!!!

31' - GOAL - Herculez Gomez

43' - GOAL - PLATA!!!

45' - GOAL - Herculez Gomez

Burrito Bhoys 2, Robins 2

Half-time mood : My mind is blown.  My heart is racing.  My nerves are almost shot.  Whatever you think my mood is, you're probably right and probably a doctor.

54' - Gomez is left alone from a corner and shanks a perfect opportunity for bagging his hat trick.

55' - PENALTY - Suarez was attacking on the inside of the penalty area threatening, but causing no immanent danger.  deGoo decides to run him down, tripping him up from behind without an attempt to get the ball.

56' - GOAL - Rodriguez converts.

Burrito Bhoys 3, Robins 2

59' - SUB - Dunfield comes off for the returning Stinson.  Dunfield took a few knocks during the game so not a bad substitute.

63' - PENALTY - Oh no... Aceval goes for a diving header to clear the ball from the box and heads it down to the ground, bouncing to his flailing arm.  A legit call, but a bit eye-rolling.

64' - GOAL - Rodriguez converts.  Again.

Burrito Bhoys 4, Robins 2

65' - SUB - Plata makes way for Lambe.  A little confusing as Plata was a bit of a terror for the Santos back line for much of the match.

66' - GOAL - Peralta scores.

Burrito Bhoys 5, Robins 2

69' - SUB - Aceval makes way for the returning Henry.  If Toronto are going to fight this to the bitter end, a change at the back was necessary.

3 minutes of extra time

90+2' - GOAL - Luduena seals the deal.

FULL TIME - Santos Laguna 6, Toronto 2

Man of the Match : Plata.  Why not.

Goat of the Game : I'm going with deGoo and here's why : Your captain should never ever do such a garbage tackle in your own penalty area when you're in the second leg of a tournament that you're a sniff away from the final.  That felt like the catalyst for the change in fortunes and really undid the hard work of the other ten players on the side up until that point.  Call change or not, that call being changed would have never had happened had the captain opted to think it through.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. The question of the ref calling for a corner and the linesman overturning it to a penalty is troublesome.  Didn't think that could happen, but I am not a ref.

Kocic 7, Harden 6.5, Aceval 6 [Henry 6.5], Eckersley 7.5, Morgan 7, Dunfield 6 [Stinson 6], deGoo 5.5, Silva 6, Johnson 6.5, Plata 8.5 [Lambe N/A], Soolsma 8

Now that the nerves have settled, it is depressing to think that though Toronto were, on paper and statistically, out of their element, that they were so close to the final.  35 minutes close.  The thing to truly be taken away from the disappointing result is that this side is not far away at all from being a genuine threat in MLS.  Perhaps a signing or two?  Perhaps some more time to develop?  It would be challenging to think of anything short of "bright future ahead" for Winter and his side.

The MLS season now officially starts this weekend against the dreaded Cheese Makers of Montreal.  We'll see you then.

THE MATCHUP: The Miracle Workers

SANTOS LAGUNA vs TORONTO
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - 2ND LEG

Estadio Corona, Torreon - 8pm ET

THE KICKABOUT:
Well, here's what you need to know.  Santos came here last week and tried to play their game, by slowing the pace and rolling around on the ground looking for a shred of respect. The plan backfired when they didn't get the respect they apparently felt was deserved and were continuously run over during the course of the night. The team tactic of "no we're not kicking it out to touch every time your player goes to ground" was firmly in place and sadly weren't rewarded with a result for their fair play.  Now Toronto gets to go to hostile territory and hope the tactics which worked so well in the first round can carry them for the following 90 minutes.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Battle of the Burrito-Butty"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO : Reggie Lambe, Ryan Johnson, Milos Kocic
SANTOS LAGUNA: Herculez Gomez, Oswaldo Sanchez, Daniel Luduena

THE ODDS:
- Toronto players getting "bagged" by the locals : EVEN
- Toronto players getting revenge by throwing the supporters Nick Garcia : 15-1
- Half-time brawl with run ins from Rick Martel and Tito Santana : 75-1

WHO ARE YA?
Apparently the drama of the first leg has lit the fire of the local side, offering deep discounts on tickets and commemorative empty urine bags for every 2 tickets purchased.  Santos Laguna has had rather the fortress on home turf where they've won the last 6 in all competitions.  Nothing is easy, but leave it to Toronto to take the difficult route.

POST MATCH HEADLINE:  "¡Me pellizco, que estoy soñando!" (Pinch me, I'm dreaming!)

The usual guy is on holidays so I just want to do his work justice.

THE STARTING 11: Changes to Montreal's Olympic Stadium for Impact matches

Don't wave so hard - the roof can't take the breeze!



Canada has a checkered history with domed stadiums and football (proper football, not Flutie Egg football). BC Place was, for many years, the Metrodome's poor cousin until its recent orange-seated, drop-top "renovation" made it "good" for Whitecaps matches. Toronto's SkyDome of course was an engineering marvel that people were in awe with for at least 15 months before it became an unfashionable white elephant. It's still a bit of fun when full - but that's only on Blue Jays opening day and when TFC shows up. 

Most maligned of all is Montreal's Olympic Stadium. Sneered at in both official languages by Montrealers, "The Big O" is a concrete eyesore and a long-term financial disaster. With L'Impact du Montreal avec le Fromage having to wait for summer to play in revamped Stade Saputo, changes were made to make "The House That the Rest of Canada Built" a decent home.
　
11. Non-Smoking section expanded to two seats in upper deck
　
10. Security frisk you to the sultry music of Edith Piaf
　
9. Le Butty Provolone
　
8. Water fountains only feature Pepsi-Cola
　
7. Seat cushion giveaway actually just a bag full of stale Jos. Louis snack cakes
　
6. Players randomly replaced by actors from "Just For Laughs Gags"
　
5. Stadium ushers are the 1987 Expos
　
4. The St. Hubert Chicken takes a dump on a Swiss Chalet quarter-chicken dinner during halftime show
　
3. Fans hold referendum during second half to decide whether Impact should separate from MLS
　
2. Giant stripper pole behind away goal
　
1. Roof collapses reduced by 20%!