THE MATCHUP: Expansion team to face Vancouver Whitecaps

Ugh... the nouveau riche. So crass.

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS VS. TORONTO FC
　
EMPIRE FIELD - SATURDAY 6:30 PM ET
TV: TSN.....RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
It's back! "The Matchup" is on the air (does the internet-machine have an "air"?) which means MLS and Toronto FC are ready to go for 2011! Well, by "ready to go" we mean embarking on yet another major re-build from top to bottom. TFC has used the word "re-build" so many times since 2007, it's a wonder The Reds' TV rights didn't go to HGTV. Badum-dum! I am in pre-season form! I'm here all five-year plan - try the Harris Hawk!
　
To drive the point home that TFC have yet to accomplish anything in MLS since 2007, we start the season against our shiny, new Canadian cousins - Vancouver Whitecaps. Oh, that perfect club which has perfectly done everything perfectly perfect since their perfect admission into MLS. Enough already, you're cool, you bring pot to the party... people like you... we get it. Yes, TFC has become Canadian club football's red-shirted step-child - but who cares? They're ours Reds supporters and everything starts fresh again tomorrow, right? Now... to copy and paste that and save it for next year's season opener.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Great Canadian Bagel"
　
YEAR 1 STARS: Atiba Harris, Jay DeMerit, Joe Cannon
YEAR 1 (PART 5) STARS: Dwayne De Rosario, Nana Attakora, Stefan Frei
　
THE ODDS:
- Weather forecast to include words rainy, drizzly, damp, cloudy: 3-1
- "Munchies" induced fans make new "Orca Butty" a hit: 10-1
- Alan Gordon accidentally breaking something on Adrian Cann: 15-1
- Steve Nash coming on to score buzzer-beating lay-up goal: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Vancouver is Canada's 3rd largest city. It's citizens are called Vancouverpudlians and the main exports are hacky-sacks, good vibes and looking down noses. The city was once again ranked # 1 in the world "Most Liveable" poll but ranked a poor # 218 in the "Most Humble" category
- Fears of a "Dichio-seat cushion" debacle replay have stopped Whitecaps from handing out Commemorative "SoccerBowl '79" foam handlebar moustaches to Saturday's crowd
- Bobby Lenarduzzi's time as Canadian National Team coach will be honoured pre-game. A video highlighting all of the team's best moments will be played 12 seconds before kick-off
- While Vancouver chose to stick with the name Whitecaps in MLS, the vote for team name went to the wire with Crystal Meth Palace FC, Granolatasaray and Pottingham Forest close contenders
　
TOTALLY WASTED SAY: 1-0 Vancouver
TOTALLY TOTAL FOOTBALL SAYS: 0-0 Draw
FUTURE HEADLINE: "PRESSBOX LOCATED NEXT TO "SMOKING" AREA... I CAN TASTE COLOURS... MONKEY COSMONAUT... SANDWICH BIT ME... LENARDUZZI IS THE NEW OPRAH!"