LE RAPPORT DE STADE SUD - Montreal v Toronto... or At Least I Didn't Take The Train (and no one was hurt)

As I am kitted out, ready to depart my gracious hosts for this derby,  I can't help but think "what the hell am I doing here?!?" I'm still a bit sore, it took way too long to get out of the GTA, it's kinda warm, and we still have to battle Montreal traffic to get to Stade Fromage. I know Montreal is crap looking upwards and our beloved Robins are on the brink of a tumble downwards, but when haven't they been. Amirite?

Onto the match:

10 - GOAL - Gilberto with a cracker fired from 15 yards dead centre of goal. Magic!

ROBINS 1, FROMAGE 0

54 - GOAL - Oduro out-paces his marker, in on goal from 30 yds. out, almost takes too many touches as Perkins gets some of his chip,  but as it's trickling toward the goal line,  Luke Moore wins the race and lunges the ball over the line. The tourists rejoice.

ROBINS 2, FROMAGE 0

73 - SUB - Jackson comes in for Oduro

73 - SUB - Henry's shorts come off for a new pair of shorts.  Seriously.

80 - SUB - Warner off for Bekker

82 - Hagglund heads it off the bar from just in front of goal,  on the rebound Jackson has a go but stopped by a desperate defender's lunge.  Ensuing corner has a beautiful Gilberto curling shot just bend around the far post.

89 - SUB - Lovitz comes in for Gilberto.

4 mins of extra time

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2, MONTREAL O

90+8 - Oh yeah, we are still being penned off. This is clearly for everyone's safety

90±12 - no problem selling beer to the section up until the 75th minute, but there's an issue with one lone person needing to rid their body of the beer. Makes sense.

90+15 - guy in a leather hat makes his escape, and all security can do is get in the way of letting him leave it appears.  Now leather hat guy is hopping over the railing to circumvent the lone security guard in his way.

90+21 - someone in traveling support has lit a fire in the stands.  Of course, because that's just what you do.

90+28 - OK now we can leave our seats and for some of us, pee

90+31 - of course we can't leave the way we entered the ground. Sure, let's leave by this other new and exciting way.

90+34 - oh look, this is where the players leave from. @kzknowles gets her shirt autographed. Find out by whom next Vocal Minority Podcast!

90+38 - underground parking. We will be out of here in no ti... 

90+44 - This isn't our lot. OK how do we get out of here

90+49 - exiting B underground lot. Of course we didn't park here.

90+52 - "oh this looks like the way we came" said many characters in a horror film

90+55 - man the Big O is super creepy when it appears that you are one of the last humans around for miles.

90+63 - no seriously, where's our lot? I tell my friend to text his wife and to tell her that he loves her, just in case we can't make it back alive.

90+68 - oh a sign... What do you mean there's underground parking lots of A1, A2, A3 and A4? No wonder locals resent this place. 

90+71 - this looks like parking but how does one get in

90+73 - here's an entrance. Playing "Marco Polo" with the car lock button on my key and I can hear it but I can't see it yet... Found it. We are going to live!

Man of the Match : I liked what the new kid was doing so Warren Creavalle gets it

Goat of the Game : not applicable

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Not bad at all

Kit Spotting : a family of Gremio kits should have won but a traveling supporter has Ruiz on his back so that's a lock

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I would have made the first substitute earlier, taken Osorio off for Lovitz but well played so no issues here

If You PVR'd It : not a classic but watch the Gilberto goal again.  And then one more time.

I kinda feel bad for Jack Mac & Ernie.  Last season they were the super hot sensations in Philly and now they're struggling on a terrible Impact side. Hope they regain their form soon... What is Oduro thinking? On Wednesday, he took a pile of terrible shots from terrible angles and tonight he tries to lay it off on a 25 yard breakaway. The pass got through but I'd be surprised to think that anyone would have been upset to see him shoot... Why don't we have a song for Doneil Henry yet?

Player Ratings : Bendik 7, Creavalle 7.5, Hagglund 7, Henry 7, Morrow 6.5, Oduro 6.5 [Jackson N/A], Bradley 7, Warner 6.5 [Bekker N/A], Osorio 6, Gilberto 7 [Lovitz N/A], Moore 7

THE STARTING 11: Items on Toronto FC's Montreal trip "to-do" list

The hunt... Is. On.



When all is said and fini this year, TFC and L'Impact du Montreal à la Bibliothèque will have faced each other five times. The ten trips up and down Highway 401(AutoRoute quatre zéro une for our amis) start this weekend as The Reds and their jolly bunch of supporters head to that belle province to the east for Saturday's date at The Big O. Preparing for a trip is never fun but when a big club travels en masse to visit their heated rival, preparation is everything. So what do TFC have to remember to do before packing leurs sacs?
　
11. Remind Robert Earnshaw that front-flips need to be performed in both official languages
　
10. Pack Reggie Lambe's Patois-English-French-Quebecois-Quebecois Patois Dictionary
　
9. Make sure that Darren O'Dea's Guinness intravenous drip is ready for St. Patrick's Day
　
8. Bring a bocce ball set to distract Impact's old Italian players
　
7. Get tickets to see Maxim Usanov at the UFC event that evening
　
6. Offer a live chicken in sacrifice at the ancient temple of St-Hubert
　
5. Use up the leftover credits on Miguel Aceval and Nick Soolsma's "Club Super Sexe" gift cards
　
4. Give Bitchy the Hawk Youppi's scent
　
3. Pack two cases of Jos. Louis cakes, Pepsi-Colas and smokes to get out of any potential hostage takings
　
2. Always have a quality cheese knife
　
1. Issue press release explaining that TFC's first six seasons have all been an elaborate "Just for Laughs" gag

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC complaints about air travel

All these screens and not one Jan de Bont film?



Few people who have to regularly travel by air for work claim that it is a pleasurable experience. Airport line-ups, cramped flights, security headaches and long delays are the norm for these weary airline commuters. For Toronto FC and their MLS brethren, fixture lists can sometimes mean criss-crossing the continent three or four times over a fortnight. This would be enough to test the most seasoned traveller’s patience and it will come to no surprise that The Reds have their share of Mile High Gripes...
　
11. Nana Attakora keeps getting left off flights because his "luggage wasn't performing well recently"
　
10. KLM doesn't fly between Columbus and Kansas City
　
9. Dan Gargan keeps letting people pass him in the aisles
　
8. Players forced to sit in 4-3-3 formation
　
7. Air Canada has a severe lack of Dutch cinema options on its in-flight entertainment system
　
6. Having to awkwardly pass Mo Johnston as he mops the floor at Pearson Airport's Terminal 1
　
5. Maicon Santos inevitably ends up doing the Lambada with the hottest flight attendant
　
4. Ty Harden and his mid-flight jazz-flute sessions
　
3. Every time Canada Customs asks Aron Winter if he has "anything to declare" he answers back "it is a pity"
　
2. Stefan Frei steals all of the mini Toblerones
　
1. Joao Plata keeps knocking from inside the overhead bin

THE STARTING 11: Mysterious TFC road ailments

-----------Cheap and soft in the middle. Like our defence.

Unlike the claim that TFC is "going in the right direction", altitude sickness is an actual scientifically proven fact. Teams who have to travel to opponents who are based in high locales often complain of quick fatigue and breathing difficulties. Having a team full of trialists, cast-offs and agency favours could never be the issue - never. Either way, TFC trotted out the altitude card against Colorado this past weekend but what medical phenomena can they use in other cities?
　
11. (DALLAS) BBQ-Sauce Induced Migraines
　
10. (CHICAGO) John Hughes' Films Melancholy
　
9. (NEW YORK) Empire State of Mind
　
8. (D.C.) Case of Obama-Mania
　
7. (LA) Stars in Their Eyes
　
6. (KANSAS CITY) Lilapsophobia - The Fear of Tornadoes
　
5. (PHILLY) Cheese Steak Indigestion
　
4. (NEW ENGLAND) Chowder Flu
　
3. (SEATTLE) Cobain-Related Depression
　
2. (COLUMBUS) Trillium Envy
　
1. (MONTREAL) Joe Louis/ Pepsi/ Cigarette Hangover

Match Report (Special Away Edition) - Toronto FC @ Columbus Crew

First off, i should never ever ever get up for 4:30 am to do a bus tour. If you're drinking, then do the bus thing, totally. Otherwise, drive. 6am departure for a 3:30pm arrival was too long a ride, so surely the ride back will provide us plenty plenty of time to reflect on what a phoned-in performance we witnessed.

We arrived to the home of Alex P. Keaton, more fast-food restaurants per capita than any other US city and the soulless ground that houses "America's Hardest Working Team", the Crew with half hour to spare.

For any Crew fans who may have thought we were being disrespectful during the anthems, your sound system is garbage... We couldn't hear either anthem.

Columbus clearly has this game marketed to a different crowd. There is a children's playground inside the stadium. Slides, swings, rocking horses. Many families attend the game. A permanent stage at one end. Cheerleaders. Yes, cheerleaders. Maybe we represent an old-school mentality, but i'Ve often felt if you need constant distractions at your sporting event, then your office doesn't take it seriously and neither will most of your fellow attendees.

Let the game take center stage and let your crowd create atmosphere. So far, TFC staff have allowed us hardcore to organically create atmosphere and encroach very little. Maybe that's the benefit of having as many people on the same page as TFC supporters do. Because of this, we treat the game and game-day experience seriously and everyone else, young and old, follow suit and do so too.

Not to completely hate on Columbus, the upper deck sightlines were excellent, security were very patient, kind and fair, and concessions (though grossly overpriced) were abundant.

The match would feature a fully healed Cunningham, first looks at right back Marco Velez and keeper Brian Edwards, and the league debut of coach John Carver. 4pm kick off and away we go...

1 - Red Patch Boys hired a plane to do a fly by with the message "Toronto FC : come on you reds"

8 - CLM yellow card on a stupid tackle.

12 - Hemming crosses where Dunnivant strikes it at a bad angle only to miss by inches.

13 - Columbus has paint on their jerseys

15 - Tony remarks that Colin Samuel is wearing an effeminate headband

16 - CLM Moreno skies the ball 10 yards out, missing the stadium.

18 - Cheerleaders leave the permanent staging in a vain attempt to awaken their supporters.

19 - Shot by CLM Rogers easily saved by Williams

19 - Cunningham got a free shot at the net only for their keeper Hesmer to get his fingers on it enough to redirect it around the post

21 - we finally heard Columbus singing after we stopped and the wind blew westward long enough to carry their noise. Our support outnumbers their hardcore approx. 8 to 1

24 - Dichio, who is not starting, gets a song

26 - GOAL - CLM Adam Moffat shot low beating Edwards, who should'Ve got to it.

27 - Cunningham is caught poaching alone in what can only be described as a 4-5-0-1

29 - We can't hear Columbus. No. No.

32 - Ref fails at a blatant foul while staring at it.

35 - Moreno hits the turf in a way that would get

Moffat takes a 360 spin in the air and hits it with the back of his head just missing the net. Would've been spectacular

36 - Columbus makes the first attempt of having the M in MLS stand for 'minor' by playing music and shilling mid-game.

38 - CLB player walks in from 12 yrds out and Williams makes a good save.

40 - Jimmy B free kick attempt looped in, Edu heads wide of the mark.

41 - Hemming give-and-Bo, hauled down in the box. No call.

42 - Dunnivant corner, Jimmy B gets a volley attempt on an open net at a bad angle sail wide.

44 - Cunningham gets levelled in the box for a penalty. Samuel steps up, gets stopped, fails to follow up on an open net and gets nothing.

Half-time emotion - Pissed. Not the alcohol kind either.

47 - Hejduk looks like a hippy. Probably doesn't shave his pits

Notice that Lombardino is warming up. He's got heart for miles, but feet for inches.

50 - Edu appeared to have bagged a goal from our vantage point, but just hit the side netting.

53 - Jimmy B gets a low left shot off that nearly trickles a shot through the goalie's hands but stops it before it fully crosses the line. After some protest, it's all for naught.

56 - Edu gets booked for the neck thrust followed by the clumsy challenge on the CLM midfielder.

58 - we start our '9-for-21' chant, calling for Dichio, removing Samuel

59 - Robbie Rogers hits the turf after losing the ball because he fails at dribbling and tries to play it off as a foul. In the olympics, he'd have earned bronze in the 10 meter platform.

65 - SUBS : Dichio in, Harmse in. Dunnivant and someone else off. Turns into a 4-3-3 and Samuel is still in.

66 - Edu shot on net. First one in 15 mins.

68 - Dichio stares a CLM player into hitting the ground.

70 - Samuel did something that wasn't a screw up.

72 - Still can't hear Columbus sing. No. No.

73 - cotton candy girl kinda has it goin on in a cute way.

78 - GOAL - CLM Moreno counters, walks it in and slots it to the left side. Just brutal choking of posession. Columbus deserves this as TFC are uninspired and the Crew are passible this afternoon. Can hear Columbus sing again, but we're still louder.

81 - Moreno misses an opportunity to bag a second 10 yds out but is just wide of the post.

82 - Edu can't get 2 seconds with the ball without getting doubled-up on. He is working hard.

84 - TFC is merely a plaything for the Crew Cat at this point. We get the ball, we lose the ball.

88 - Brennan from 25 yds out skies the ball

89 - TFC supporter throws a teal smoke bomb on the pitch. We need to curb these discount colours when using fireworks.

90 - In the shock of the game judging by what we've seen in the first 89 mins, Samuel pops a ball into the box that Cunningham just lifted over the bar.

Thumbs up : first game of the season.

Thumbs down : there's 29 more of these.

Goals : NIL

Cards : Edu

Man of the match : We could only give a score of a 7/10, but we're giving the nod to Hemming for hard work, no quit and being available and making space. Edu gets points for being double teamed all afternoon. Jimmy B gets points for trying to make a difference on the scoreboard when no one else wanted to.

Goat : Samuel. Looked uninspired, sloppy, careless and played about 35 minutes too long.