THE STARTING 11: Other MLS playoff tie-breakers

Any MLS supporter who still has a club in the race for the final playoff spots knows by now how completely wacky the tie-breaker system is in the event of two or more clubs ending up even. MLS must have hired unemployed former Soviet scientists to come up with such a series of win-loss-tie possibilities for this weekend. Well not to fear, if your club still can't be separated from a rival, it will come down to these...

11. Beard growing competition

10. Least amount of "Barretts" wins

9. Mascot oil wrestling tournament

8. Must last 3 minutes in the ring with Adrian Serioux

7. Team with dirtiest MLS cheerleading squad goes to playoffs

6. Competitive hot dog eating competition hosted by Collin Samuel

5. Survivor: Harrison, New Jersey

4. Team with most back hair moves on

3. So You Think You Can Dive

2. "Don Garber’s Rock-Paper-Scissors Showdown"

1. Chip Butty making contest

TFC Media League - Round 7

The MLS regular season is about to end but the TFC Media League is still going strong. Since the news doesn't end when the season does, the Graham Legatt Trophy won't be decided until the end of 2009. The Fan 590 was a hot mover this round, despite Bob McCown's best efforts, but it's still The Toronto Star and The Toronto Sun battling it out on the top of the table. Keep your eye on the table by scrolling down the right side of the page!

The South Stand Report : Toronto v. Real Salt Lake... or failure by numbers (as in points and goals)

Congratulations! You've made it to the last home game of the year. Is it meaningful? Quite possibly.

As it turns out, this time around we are in a position to actually visit Mr. Post Season for once. There is still a chance that the whole thing will collapse around us as expected, but you can dream. You can hope.

Will some of the mysteries of strategy that has left the south stand scratching a hole in it's collective heads? Will Cummins finally wedge his head out of ass and make more than one useless substitution too late in the match become tactically astute in his choices resulting in some of the magical displays once witnessed at the infancy of his tenure?

Vegas odds has a reasonable line that Beckerman's dreads would win in a fight to Serioux's at an unlikely 17 to 1 longshot. Have you seen "The Predator"? He's that dangerous.

They're the Mormolacticos
~ Tony before kick-off

1' – Espinola gets the first break of the game, running down the left side and forcing Edwards to parry a shot over the bar

6 – O'Brien White bulled (can 'bull' be a verb? Screw it, it is now) his way into the box and his ensuing shot gets blocked, only for the Chad to overrun the loose ball.

11 – DeRo has a 20 yard go to introduce himself to the game.

18 – The Chad floats a nice little ball into the box only to see DeRo do a “dead salmon flop” looking move, fishing for the penalty. See what I did there... I made a salmon-fishing pun. Yeah, I'm clever.

19 – YELLOW – Brennan gets a booking for a supposed mistimed tackle which resulted in the dramatic fumbling and rolling from the victim for 6 or 7 revolutions.

21 – Hard work from White and a nice cross leaves Chad with a rudimentary half volley sent 12 yards over the bar hit from 6 yards out. Well played Barrett.

26 – Dom distracted me with accusations of environmental damage due to my discarding of loose papers from my notepad. Also Dom has declared that he was “feeling it”. I missed some offense. Way to go Dom.

30 – Guevara corner results in Gomez getting his head to the follow-up corner.

32 – Quick break to Brennan lays it to the Chad who rolls a very slow ball to Cronin who tries to rifle one to have it blocked. A little more pace Chad.

37 – Cronin volley ricochets off a defender and White's hustle ALMOST got to it before the keeper got his hands to it. For Christmas, I'm asking Santa for another step for the White.

39 – In what only can be described as 'bucking the trend', The Chad does something right and draws a yellow. The following free kick by DeRo bounces off the cross bar.

TFC is actually putting pressure on Real Salt Lake. It's as if they're trying. To win.

HALF-TIME : So close, yet so very very far.

48 – GOAL – The Chad's shot is blocked by the keeper however the rebound is slotted home by “Wee” Jimmy Brennan. Thank you football gods, wherever you may be.

50 – TFC are on the counter attack, Barrett lays off a pretty little ball for White who takes one touch too many, fires and has his attempt thwarted by the Salt Lake defender

65 – After a spell of RSL pressure, TFC is finally in the other half of the pitch and setting up shop. Hopefully, they have something to offer.

Much of the game at this point as been mostly one-way traffic for TFC. I don't believe it's the case where Toronto is playing exceptionally well rather Real Salt Lake is playing exceptionally poor. Beggars can't be choosers... we're still winning.

67 – The Chad nearly has a break, which to be honest frightened me a little, but a defender sweeps it away for a corner.

We, at the Yorkies, felt that the Chad had a rough first half. I mean utterly brutal. However, his second half has been very very good. He's making plays, he's aware of his surroundings, he's being a threat and a pest and we haven't seen him shank anything that didn't result in a change of possession. This IS what Barrett is good at. If he can be persuaded to take fewer shots, which will be difficult since he's usually in the best positions to shoot when he is being aggressive, and be a set-up man, I will firmly 'shut the hell up' about his bad play.

72 – Backup keeper Brian Williams Edwards [edited] is begging for a Man of the Match nod tonight with another key low-diving save on an awkward shot heading for the bottom right by pushing it around the post.

74 – SUB – The Chad out, Sanyang in.

76 – < run TORONTONACCIO.EXE... (oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t...)

80 – Espanola gets a break and fires a Chad-esque shot wide left from about 8 yards out. Talk about anxious...

83 – This should have been something special: DeRo breaks out, sweet ball over to Cronin, Cronin settles the ball and passes is back to DeRo but a deflection puts it on the foot of De Guzman who one-times wide right. It should have been something special... it was however typical.

84 – SUB – DeRo out, Fellinga in. Huh?

87 – Toronto are officially now playing 10 man behind the ball and 'not the fastest in the world' White is the lone striker. Nice tactics, idiot.

90 – SUB – White out, Gerba in. Since Torontonaccio traditionally begins at the 75th minute mark, might I make a suggestion to make this swap at the 74th minute?
4 minutes of extra time

90+2 – De Guzman turned some boor bastard right out of his boots and then negated it all by sending it to Gerba offside.

FULL TIME : Toronto 1 – Salt Lake 0

Man of the Match : We gave it to Gomez. Sure, we never said boo about him, but he did a wonderful job, great clean-up of mistakes and excellent tackling.

Goat of the Game : Aside from griping about tactics (or the lack thereof), no one worth bitching about for 90 mins.

Ref Meter : 4 out of 5. The yellow to Brennan was deemed a bit harsh, but he kept control, let the game flow and kept his whistle away as much as possible.

Man it was cold. We need a “Roof For BMO” campaign.

Otherwise, a team with the depth of talent on its books should be playing way better than this. I mean, way better. This team, on paper, is good enough to finish top 4 and feasibly win the league. But they don't. We speculate a lot of things, talk'em out. One of the notions that seems to come around is the question of DeRo's happiness. He plays with a great deal of skill, but his heart doesn't seem to be in it. That can stem from frustration with coaches, teammates, results, pressure on himself. The last 3 home games, the 'fire' that DeRo draws from has diminished to a flicker. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe he's hurt. Exhausted. I don't know. I'm concerned with him because I think the world of him. I even went as far as suggesting that we make DeRo our DP back in season one. I hope the fire can be stoked for New York. We need that guy to be there.

Plain DeRo, the guy we've seen the last few weeks, though still awesome, might not be awesome enough for what this team needs. It needs a special effort and I'd be shocked if it came from anyone else on the roster.

Anyways, that's my shtick for the season. Oh, I may do the New York game. And if there's playoffs, I'll be back.

While we're talking about fantasies, I would like to [deleted for inappropriate comments] while taking her [deleted for inappropriate comments] pound cake [deleted for inappropriate comments] unibrow [deleted for inappropriate comments] all the way to Tuscon, Arizona.

Match Preview: Done for Real?

TORONTO FC VS. REAL SALT LAKE
BMO Field - Saturday, 4PM EST
TV: CBC -- RADIO: The Fan 590

The worst tease to Toronto supporters are the two simple words: mathematically possible. It's the ever-changing combination of points available and rivals' performances that allow TFC to still say "we have a shot" at the playoffs week after week. You can almost hear the brighter sparks in the TFC faithful praying to be put out of their misery. At this point, would you really want to see this version of The Reds squeak into the playoffs? Would a two-game, first round drubbing at the hands of a Columbus or Houston really be that special? There is a reasonable line of thought that says that TFC making the playoffs this year would be a curse. Mo and the MLSE Gang would be trumpeting an 8th place finish as a "great success" and claiming that the current roster and coaching staff are good enough to compete. If they miss the playoffs however, questions about the players and staff will have to be addressed in time for 2010. The long term success of this club will be far better served by the front office being shamed into strengthening the team and its coaches rather than resting on the laurels of a first round playoff glimpse.

TORONTO FC - 9-9-10 36pts - 5th in EAST (11th OVERALL)
The biggest question for Toronto this weekend will be - who really deserves to be in the starting 11 against RSL? Also, who has the heart to play for a full 90 minutes? Sadly, due to the kiddie pool-like depth of the team, it will likely be a very similar line-up to the one who could barely contain the juggernaut that is San Jose Earthquakes last week. The injury bug is still the biggest detriment to the already talent-challenged squad. With Carl Robinson already gone for the season, keeper Stefan Frei is unlikely, Marvell Wynne is still a question-mark and both Adrian Serioux and Pablo Vitti will be game-day decisions. Brian Edwards will likely get the start in goal and will provide very capable back-up but the depleted squad will no doubt feature "The Human Own Goal" Nick Garcia and Chad "Holy F**kin Sh*t He's Still Starting" Barrett. Amado Guevara may or may not be back from Honduras depending on World Cup Qualifying hangover/ military coup. No matter who starts, if TFC really wants a shot at the post-season, the Torontonaccio all-out-defend tactic and the 15 goals in the last 15 minutes cannot make an appearance. Just to twist the knife: if TFC ties or loses and New England beats Chicago - The Reds are (say it aloud!) mathematically eliminated.

REAL SALT LAKE - 10-7-11 37pts - 6th in WEST (9th OVERALL)
The only thing more interesting than watching a wholly undeserving team try to make the playoffs is... TWO wholly undeserving teams try to make the playoffs! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir aka Real Salt Lake aka Deportivo La Utah travels to the (extremely) chilly shores of Lake Ontario for this late-season Battle of the non-Titans. To be fair, RSL has a fairly solid squad who have had some bad luck this year. Considering their young manager Jason Kreis can substitute in the club's leading scorer Robbie Findlay off the bench, while we start Wayne Rooney's non-union stunt-double (you know who I mean), they're not too shabby a club. It was back in June that RSL manhandled TFC in Utah to the Jazzy tune of 3-0. Kyle "White Rasta" Beckerman and the seriously underrated Yura Movsisyan made like Stockton and Malone that night and will be up for it on Saturday. Expect those Osmond-listening, sodium-swimming sons-of-guns to play a solid conservative style in the knowledge that TFC will have to attack and will likely make a sloppy mistake which will allow an easy counter-attack. If by chance Toronto get a one-goal lead, put your money on RSL's Toronto-born midfielder Andy Williams to score a 93rd minute equalizer. Gotta keep it Real.

THE STARTING 11: 2009's worst TFC player excuses

If everything goes as expected in the next two weeks, Toronto FC players will be packing their bags and heading home for 2009 while many of their rivals prepare for the playoffs. What happened this season? There was such promise back in spring but it quickly slid into mediocrity - all that was left was a look ahead to 2010. Lots of reasons and excuses will be trotted out after the last game but we thought we'd get a jump on some of the more curious excuses...

11. "I was mesmerized by De Ro's ever-changing cornrow patterns"

10. "Feeling unnerved since 'Bitchy The Hawk' attacked Johann Smith"

9. "There were strange noises coming from the Food Building"

8. "Adrian Serioux scares us with his creepy 'Predator' impressions"

7. "South End supporters break our concentration with their loud chanting"

6. "The net is too small" (Chad Barrett only)

5. "Chris Cummins makes us watch the ending of 'Marley & Me' at halftime"

4. "Since Rohan Ricketts left, there's no one to Twitter with"

3. "John Carver took our favourite ball with him"

2. "Since Dichio retired, no one brings fresh cupcakes to practice"

1. "Half-price, day-old chip buttys are too hard to resist"

Editorial: TFC bench doesn't know is it's Cummins or going

After the all too predictable failure of Toronto FC on Saturday afternoon, the supporter's, and media's, axe was immediately and forcefully swung at interim manager Chris Cummins' head. It is hard to argue that anger, what with the technical shortcomings of TFC in the San Jose match and in many previous matches this season, but how much of the blame can lay solely at Cummins’ feet? Think about it this way, if your bus hit a lamppost on the way to work but the bus driver only had his learner's permit - would you blame the driver or the TTC who let him drive the bus? Chris Cummins, whose previous coaching zenith was as Luton Town's youth coach, has a learner's permit at best.

Cummins should have indeed been far better tactically than he has been this season. You should not deny him some of the responsibility for the constant all-out-defence, or Torontonaccio as we call it here, every time TFC held a slim lead. The astonishing statistic of 15 goals allowed after the 75th minute is shameful. The late game let downs, as well as the often impotent offence, are sure signs of a club that doesn't have a system that it is confident playing and players who have even less trust in their ability to succeed. The awful tactics, strange substitutions and often baffling line-up inclusions (yes you Chad Barrett) show a manager who is either woefully ill-prepared to manage at this level or is being controlled too tightly from above by a Director who has a hard time letting go of the reins. Perhaps the sudden and shocking departure of John Carver earlier this season had a lot more behind it than was let on at the time. After all, it's not as if Carver ran to another job was it?

Carver's early season departure is the most frustrating episode of this saga. Before the season began, Mo Johnston and MLSE were telling the world that this season's goals were Champions League and most importantly the playoffs. Carver's departure was indeed a road bump but it happened less than a third of the way into the season. If the less than lofty ambitions of a post-season were true, then why wouldn't a club of this size go out and find a suitable manager by mid-season to steady the ship? In MLS, half a season is an eternity. The right manager, and there are an awful lot of qualified ones out there, could have led Toronto well into the CCL Group Stage and safely into the playoffs. There are two big issues with a hiring of that sort though - spending the non-salary cap money to attract a good manager, and most importantly, having the Director cut the strings and allow a qualified manager to run the show his way.

A new face in TFC's coaching staff is an obvious checkmark in Mo Johnston's post-season to-do-list. It doesn't necessarily need to be a huge name in charge but it has to be a man who has the respect of the players and the freedom to create a style and set of tactics that TFC can and will play. Three Head Coaches in three seasons is no way to build a solid foundation. Mo Johnston will have to bite the bullet on this one and hire a strong character who may not always agree with him but that can work with him. He must also fight the temptation to simply promote from within in order to keep payroll down and keep his own job continually safe. As for Chris Cummins, he seems like a really genuine, nice man who was sadly put in the driver's seat of a bus headed towards a cliff with his learner's permit flapping in his jacket pocket.

The South Stand Report : Toronto v. San Jose... or grasping at the final strands of a meaningful season

I know this one is weak. If you can come up with a better name than
the San Jose Sh*theads, I'll consider it for next year.

Meaningful. We use it to describe sentiments, feelings, pathetic uphill struggles that shouldn't have come to this and macaroni-art cards we get from our kids for Valentines Day. If I had kids.

Whatever.

After a dismal week weather-wise, we are treated to the potential of partly-cloudy autumn weather, which is PERFECT football weather.

Toronto FC has been really working hard off the pitch with the whole good news-then-bad news angle. This latest turn has been 'we got grass' then '15% ticket price increase for sh*tty sh*tty football without direction the exciting 2010 campaign'. On the pitch, there's no media magic to be had. One of our beloved Yorkies received a call from their ticket bugger in the TFC office and ripped into the poor guy. Bet he was disappointed when reading the MLSE employee handbook that "customers would be and should be lucky and thrilled to renew their tickets for mediocre entertainment, even after price increases" (this undoubtedly applies to ALL their holdings. Except the Marlies - no one cares).

So here we are. 3 games to go and not a clue in sight. Sure, what's 3 points out with a game in hand on some of the teams directly in front of us. To be honest, we couldn't have asked for a better last 3 games. Then again, I don't think MLS schedule makers thought that San Jose, New York Red Bull Barcelona and Real Lago de Sal (that's Salt Lake in Spanish, kids) were going to have a bed-crapping of a season.

On to the epicenter that will be a natural disaster

1 – The Chad fires a shot wide to remind us what we've been missing out after nearly a month without a home game. He's “probably crampin' up like a salmon up a stream”

8 – Free kick set up and White gets some skull on the ball but it ends up in the hands of the keeper.

9 – (More than a) Fellinga gets a run down the left wing, and catches the keeper off his line. His attempt beats the backstop but lands safely at the feet of a covering defender.

18 - “The Malvern Muscle” O'Brien White fights hard in the San Jose box to get a shot off. We appreciate that kind of hustle at TheYorkies.ca and made more impressive by the fact that it was created solely on his own effort and determination. Quite the rumbling.

23 – Serioux catapults a throw in leaving a bit of a goal mouth scramble. Resulting effort had to be cleared off the line by the defender as the goalie was nowhere near it. Harrowing stuff early in the game.

I would like to take this time for an editorial. Yes, I'm paying attention to the game. Seriously. I, for the most part, ignore the 'male chorus' that goes on around me because I like to be a bit up my own arse with an opinion that the world has to, no, NEEDS to bask in. The fact that the next important event is another 15 minutes away doesn't mean that the game was boring or uninteresting, but you can only say “The Chad blows another pass” or “Brennan clears a ball” or “DeRo calls for the ball” so often, that at this point in the season, just assume that if nothing is said, those things happened in random sequences.

36 – White seems to be about the only one who is prepared to pull the trigger on a regular basis, with another attempt, this just wide of the net. In other news, The Chad doesn't want to shoot.

If this ends up nil-nil, at least I'll be drunk
~ gentleman behind me to my left, Quote of the Game

39 – Three attempts all weak ending with a floating slo-mo chip that would've hit the cross bar has the San Jose keeper not lept to catch it.

44 – DeRo floats an off-balance random ball into the box only to have “Supershank” Barrett just get his foot on the volley to smack it into the beer gardens behind goal. If Chad wanted to be a legend, this could've been it.

Half-Time : Pathetic. Seriously, with every attempt and offensive move we make, no one wants to run wings. It's sad to say we're missing Wynne, but not because he's a stalwart defender, but because he's usually OUR BEST WINGER.

47 – GOAL – While in line for a chip butty, DeRo threads a ball through the 18 yard box missing the legs of three Cheesequake defenders and two pink shirts only for the diving head of Attakora to connect and beat the keeper. Pretty goal.

48 – Chad vainly goes for heroism and shanks one over the bar. Even the guy behind me in line groaned.

49 – Chip butty is stupid and overrated. Those are it's good qualities. A veritable 1.0 on the Richter Scale. They should call it “English taco” but that would offend our Latino demographic. And that's important given that TFC is “Brand of the Year” as designated by Marketing Magazine. That's right folks. It's a brand.

56 - DeRo pokes a ball through the San Jose keeper but gets enough of it to slow to a trickle. DeRo gets around, but a defender gets in the way and injures himself in the process. Keeper then “Bundy Splashes” DeRo's legs (and shook the foundation) to prevent a second goal going in.

67 – YELLOW - Serioux was booked for copyright infringement, looking too much like the Predator. About time too.

82 – SUB – The Chad out, Vitti in. Originally Fellinga was to come off, but thankfully The Chad did his usual 80 minute cramp-up. Shockingly, this was the only substitution Toronto made given how grossly stale TFC's play has been for the last 20 mins.

84 – With one goal lead comfortably in hand, Toronto institute their traditional “Torontonaccio” style of play with 10 behind the ball and White all by his lonesome up top.

86 – White (who is really slow) doesn't want to turn on a break, which results in another tradition of “I don't wanna shoot”, leaving the ball to DeRo's feet 25 yrds out and firing a low shot at the San Jose keeper.

4 minutes of extra time

90 – YELLOW – Brennan booked for time wasting on a throw-in. That was a good call.

90+2 – GOAL – Brennan throws himself desperately at a goalmouth opportunity to successfully block the shot, however the resulting ricochet ends up at Cornell Glen for a volley into the back of the net. Edwards makes a heroic effort launching himself desperately to stop, but no chance. The aftershocks result in more frustrating late game anemia that we've come to know and love from your Toronto FC!

Full Time : Toronto 1 – San Jose 1

Man of the Match : reluctantly Attakora. Not that he didn't deserve it, but it was a team effort to put us in this position of collapse. Late in the game. Again. Attakora to his credit had a very solid game otherwise.

Goat : Cummins. You get three substitutions. Use them much much sooner. Why does Gerba and Gala get no love, but The Chad, Vitti and White get regular game time? Our back four were no better or worse than what we've come to expect with second stringers, but with the depth and variety we have in the middle and front, why wait until it's beyond too late to make a difference. There are no aftershocks to be had with late game shake-ups.

Whomever came up with the plan to turtle up every game we're up by a goal needs to be beaten with a rubber hose. The WORST IDEA EVER.

I was a big fan of Cummins at the beginning cuz we played a 4-3-3, it was pretty, aggressive and scored a plethora of goals. Somewhere we reverted to a 4-4-2 and fared no better than before he took over.

Cummins is a solid manager, but I think he's lost the plot of the team. They look listless and don't seem to believe that the system actually works. White needs actual wingers to be effective. More players need the foresight to make runs on BOTH wings to open up the middle if nothing else. And giving the ball to the forward and 'hoping for the best' isn't a strategy, it's irresponsible.

Ref : 5/5. Excellent. Stayed out of the game. Didn't blow any big calls. Thanks for coming today sir.

O'Brien White has the makings of a great forward in football except he's just a step too slow. He's strong like bull, but fast like snail. He could be out run by just about everyone on the pitch. If he can work on his speed, he'll be the greatest draft pick ever.

I would also like to offer that Fellinga isn't bad, but I haven't seen enough of him to be frustrated. I think the team played well given their lack of inspiration or urgency to play post-season footie. But that isn't good enough. Not enough jobs will be lost to correctly depict the 2009 season. I don't rate either Gambian much and to say Gerba gets one half shot every game with little service and two defenders closing down on him is unfair to deem him unproductive or worthy of being on the bench every game.

A new system with a new manager shouldn't have any difficulty reconfiguring our roster to come up with a menacing enough starting XI to tsunami the crap out of the rest of the league.

It is beyond frustrating given the schedule we've been served... 9 points out of 3 games is far from impossible. I want to say that DeRo didn't appear the most inspired person on the pitch, but that may not be fair. It's difficult to get up when you're frustrated going nowhere on the table. It's only a matter of time before the fault lines appearing clearly instead of speculating where you think they are.

OK, enough of the randomly scattered earthquake-related puns. Here's to 2010.

Match Preview: The Unnatural Disaster Derby

TORONTO FC VS. SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES
BMO Field - Saturday, 4PM EST
TV: CBC - RADIO: The Fan 590

If Charlton Heston was still alive he would be the perfect guest referee for this match. Hollywood's greatest crisis character actor would do well to preside over two clubs who have been an ongoing train wreck/ plane crash/ natural disaster all season. He could hold red cards aloft in "his cold dead hands!" Both of these clubs have hit way below their pre-season aims and as the season reaches its zenith, neither can afford more bad news. Toronto supporters can take some solace from its recent off-the-pitch good news, namely De Guzman and real grass, as opposed to San Jose who have yet to make a real plan to move out of their glorified high school stadium - Buck Shaw. However, if TFC doesn't get a win on Saturday and misses the playoffs, their on-the-pitch results won't be too different than the Californians. In MLS, if you don't make the playoffs, does it matter if you come in 9th or 15th?

TORONTO FC - 9-8-10 35pts -5th in EAST (10th OVERALL)
The disaster story took a turn for the worst this week as TFC was nailed with a major late-season injury crisis. The two week break was supposed to do wonders for the club's health but suddenly Carl Robinson's face was smashed by a young Cote D'Ivoirian, Marvell Wynne pulled up lame and Stefan Frei dislocated his finger. Robbo is gone for the season and Wynne is most likely out for Saturday while Frei will be a game day decision. Add to the mixture Amado Guevara's international absence and you suddenly have a line-up mish-mash at the most crucial point of the season. Julian De Guzman will have to step it up in the holding midfield role as the Designated Afro makes his home debut with big expectations from the faithful. High hopes will be placed on any new found chemistry between De Gu and De Ro and how that affects the so-called strike force. If Toronto can grab a lead they will have to show the backbone to hold it for 90 minutes and not let in yet another league-worst late 2nd half goal. If TFC doesn't leave with 3 points you may see that classic disaster movie moment when Chris Cummins drops to his knees and yells to the sky "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" ... especially if it's raining.

SJ EARTHQUAKES - 7-7-12 28pts -8th in WEST (14th OVERALL)
Late last season Frank Yallop and his San Jose squad really looked like it had gelled and that the future was bright. Many expected them to challenge for a playoff spot this season but it never got off the ground for the Ghosts of George Best. Very inconsistent play and some roster re-shuffling saw Quakes start slow and only get slower. Insult to injury came in the form of Darren Huckerby's unfortunate fate. The former Norwich star, who was in great form last season, succumbed to a nasty season ending injury which may turn out to be a career ending injury. The star has been passed onto the terrific young defender Ryan Johnson. The American full back who used to play for Sweden's Orebro actually leads the club with an astonishing (for a defender) 10 goals but if TFC can silence him, the remaining SJE offence has been anaemic. It will be interesting to see what effect San Jose's poor season has on the fate of manager Frank Yallop. If the former Canadian MNT coach happens to become free, I can think of a certain red team with an interim head coach who should sign him immediately. That would definitely be no disaster.

Young Elephant breaks Carl Robinson's face

In Mo Johnston and Toronto FC's quest to build the cheapest team in the world, they invited three unknown youngsters on trial from the African nation of Ivory Coast - or Cote D'Ivoir to its friends. Ivory Coast is a football rich nation which can boast the superstars Didier Drogba, Emmanuel Eboue and Didier Zokora amongst its talented "Les Elephants" national team. Something tells me that the trio that Mo invited over for a Canadian autumn adventure aren't in that calibre. Just a hunch.

There is nothing wrong at all with trialling young internationals - you never know when you may indeed find the diamond in the rough. However, it is surely an unheard practice to train raw athletes with your first-team during the most important part of the season. At a time when the starting 11 should be honing their skills and most importantly their chemistry, why would you be running out three young men who may never wear the shirt? The problem with green young men trying to land a dream job with a big team is that they will do whatever they need to do to catch the manager's eye. Earlier this week, at TFC practice in Oakville, that is exactly what happened.

It is being reported that during one of the scrimmages, one of the young trialists (Ivory Coasters? Cote D'Ivoirians? Elephant Men?) crashed hard into veteran midfielder Carl Robinson, apparently fracturing the Welshman's cheekbone in the process. Medical reports coming out of BMO Field are sketchy at the moment but Robbo is definitely heading to a specialist. Worst case scenarios claim that the defensive midfield stalwart may be gone for the season but the club has yet to confirm that. With Amado Guevara away on international duty, it looks as if Chris Cummins will be forced to put together a rag-tag midfield. This is exactly the kind of news that no one who still holds slim hope of a TFC post-season wants to hear. Well Mo, hopefully these young Elephants develop into valuable players because one of them may have inadvertently cut The Reds' thread of playoff dreams short. That's no bargain... in English or French.

THE STARTING 11: Ways to bring the BMO Field experience home

Even though TFC will likely get about 95% season ticket renewals this year, not every Reds' supporter will be returning to BMO in 2010. Maybe the 15% increase is too steep or maybe the lacklustre season made you say "enough is enough". Not to fear though, you can still enjoy that BMO South End Experience from the comfort of your living room. So switch on your TV and enjoy...

11. Collect empty pizza boxes during the week, stack them on your lawn, then kick your kids' toys at them during the half

10. Find a random Scotsman in your neighbourhood and constantly yell at him to "sign better players!"

9. Put the words "FOOD BUILDING" on top of the house across the street

8. Buy a budgie and name it "Bitchy". Sit it on top of the stairs and train it to attack the kids

7. Invite random neighbours over to form long line-up in front of your bathroom 2 minutes before the half

6. Prank-call 911 before the game to get that stadium-esque police presence

5. Dress your pets in red - pull their tails in the 24th minute and make them sing

4. Have a guy dressed in an AC Milan kit come over and say "your TV's not as good as the TV's in Europe"

3. Buy a case of beer then charge yourself triple to drink it

2. If your family walks near the TV throw streamers at them and chant "Who Are Ya?!"

1. Wonder Bread and McCain's Superfries - enough said