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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Honest Mo's Trialist Warehouse

------------------"TFC's lookin' great in 2010... honest!"

“No off-season signings? No problem! Come on down to "Honest Mo's Trialist Warehouse" and he can outfit your soccer team at low, low prices! Got no salary cap left? Not to worry - Honest Mo will ship out your high-priced, experienced assets and replace them with trialists who have no where else to play! They can't help but sign the lowest contracts around - they need the cash! Act now and Honest Mo will call every newspaper in town and tell them that your new trialist is quite possibly the best player since Pele Maradona Junior! Take a look at what Mo has in stock for 2010!”

Need a defender? Have a cardiologist on staff? Do you enjoy the Blue Square Premier? If you said yes and you love Scottish Canadians then Ross Smith is the defender for you! The 29 year old Guelphian (Guelphite? Guelphwegian?) enjoyed his best years with the mighty Ebbsfleet United of the English non-league. Had a shot with Colorado Rapids until they found out about his aorta problem! Not to worry though - he had heart surgery and is ready to go! No risk!

Oh boy! If you like it spicy and Middle Eastern then Ibrahim Said is the man for you! This very fiery Egyptian defender will put the fight into your line-up right away. He will also fight with his teammates, match officials, coaches and fans! How exciting! His best days were in the early 2000's with Al Ahly but he did have the chance at the big time while on loan to Everton. Said decided that the Toffees weren't to his taste though and pretended that his mother was sick in Egypt and flew home the next day. Staying power! The sometime Egyptian National (when not banned from the team) was last with Libyan league club Al-Ahly Tripoli. “Libyan League - catch the fever!

This is top of the line stuff. Not too many owners, top flight experience, Champions League veteran! This mighty Portuguese defender is a steal at 31 years old. Stops at Porto, Deportivo La Coruna and Turin giants Juventus can't be wrong! What's that? You like players with both knees? Jeez - so fussy. So what if Andrade only has part of his left knee and it has had four operations in three years? Beggars can't be choosers! Juventus owners loved his career prospects so much they said this of it when nullifying his contract: "Impossibility for the player to recover to play professionally". Oh those Italians - so silly!

If there’s one thing Honest Mo loves - it’s a mediocre player from a mediocre club in Scotland or northern England. Mo has outdone himself this time with Kevin Kyle. This enigmatic striker spent most of his years with Sunderland where he tallied a whopping 18 goals in 91 appearances and got quite the reputation for his love of baked goods! Honest Mo may not have this one on the lot for long though as Kevin is having his best year in ages at Kilmarnock with 14 goals in 27 matches and is still with the Scottish club. Who needs that kind of output anyways? Where’s the fun in signing a trialist who actually scores? Crrrraaazzzy!!!

Did you like the lumbering style of Danny Dichio but found him way too quick? Think you want another big bald target man but without those pesky goals getting in the way? If you said “oh yeaaah!” then Honest Mo has got the trialist for you! 28 year old, 3-time Armenian International Ilia Javorjian has been bouncing around the Israeli league with 4 goals to boot (that’s more like it Kevin Kyle!) and is looking for a new home. The Armenian Assassin (catchy no?) has a mysterious background but scouts have labelled him as “heavy and limited in his movement” and “clumsy”. Unofficially called the “Armenian Collin Samuel“.

Honest Mo is anything if not “honest! Adam Street is maybe not the right kind of lad to sign. Who need’s long-term projects with potential future value anyways? You need elderly back-ups and tons of delicious allocation money - that’s what winners are made of! Street has played through most of the Canadian International set-up’s youth systems and has shined at times. He has been training with West Ham’s renowned academy and has raised many eyebrows there as well but who needs that when there are perfectly good USL third stringers available? Pass.

Looking for a diamond in the rough? We mean really, really rough? Well Honest Mo mined the diamond laden lands of southern Africa and has dug up 30 year old Namibian defender Ngarizemo! What better way to shock MLS offences than with a defender who has hardly played anywhere else? In three years with South African club FC Cape Town, he didn’t register one first team statistic. From those lofty heights, Maleagi (aka Namibia’s Nick Garcia) moved to the world famous Namibian league’s African Stars Windhoek. Surely though, 3 caps with Namibia’s National squad in 2008 (nicknamed The Brave Warriors - FIFA ranking 113) can’t be a fluke!

Honest Mo has done it again! A few days before the Trialist February Sale starts, Mo has identified 27 year old Dutch striker Muhamadu as a top notch item. The forward has spent most of his career floating around the Dutch, Belgian and German second divisions with his career best being a spell at the Dutch Eerste Divisie club MVV. Yes - that MVV! The Gillingham of Dutch football. In his time there, Ibad (chant this: “I-Bad I-Bad, you know it!”) notched 17 goals over two years. Trust Mo on this one because the last time he plucked a gem from the Netherlands he came up with Toronto FC future Hall of Famer - Lesly Fellinga!

“Don’t wait soccer lovers, this sale won’t last forever! Honest Mo can’t keep these hot properties on the shelves. Remember Kiki Musampa? Snapped up by FC Seoul after a TFC camp where he was being proclaimed as the best thing since Johan Cruyff Van Nistelrooy Rijkaard! Who needs established players like Guevara, Robinson and so-called “first team players”?”

“If trialists weren’t the new stars of soccer would Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment really keep Honest Mo around? If you think that, you would have to believe MLSE only care about profits and have zero soccer knowledge in the head office and don’t care about winning and love Mo because he makes them huge profits and we will have this conversation every February and he will be here for 10 more years… and that’s just crazy! Honest.”

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