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Sunday, May 29, 2011

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Philadelphia... or Why we need a weather disaster to counteract the football disaster

Dude I had the strangest nightmare this week. I was in paradise and then there was a flash monsoon and lightning and Vancouver's Eric Hassili and then I was wearing lots of bubble wrap running into people screaming "I'm a pinball!"... That musta been some bad Pacific salmon I ate.

Philly is apparently good. Does it make for poor journalism if I don't research the opposition? Am I not a journalist? Answers : yes, no, and I don't give a sh*t.
Wait, wha?

3 - GOAL - What a dream start! The defender gives up a howler of a ball and its slotted past the keeper for an early 1-0 lead. Sadly, the howler was by Gargan and the goal was scored by Gabriel Farfan

11 - GOAL - Its magic time here as the mighty robins cough up another howler courtesy of Ty Harden and Justin Mapp let's a low shot fly past Frei.

22 - Pa...

25 - ...the...

33 - ...tic!

35 - A counter by the only two non-pathetics on the pitch as Plata gets the ball deep into Philly territory to lay it off to Eckersley who rockets it just over the bar.

38 - Plata appears to get hauled down in the box, but appeals for a penalty are unheard of.

Dear Philadelphia Union,
Its our turn to have Le Toux. You've had him long enough.

44 - GOAL - here's what you need to know : Kyle Nakazawa, Harden's fault. Again.

HALF-TIME : there isn't a curse word strong enough to be yelled loud enough to properly convey how the entire south stands feel at this moment.

45 - SUB - Gargan off for Borman

45 - SUB - deGoo off for Martina

To all you wanna be managers out there, letting a pathetic uninspired side "play out the half" cost them a third goal. And how Harden has a JOB let alone another chance this half must make more sense in Dutch than English.

48 - Santos tries to chip Philly keeper Mondragon which would usually be a good idea except Mondragon looks about 6'7" (standing next to Plata, but surely most people do next to the little buddy - turns out he's only 6'2 1/2")

51 - GOAL - What the fffff... Santos! Philly's trap is sprung and our favourite on-again/off-again Brazilian pushes the ball around Mondragon and slides in a very empty net. One more touch and it would've been an epic fail seen around the world... 3 defenders were a step away from him...

60 - GOAL - Seriously, what the fffff... Borman exploits a screw up by the Philly trap breaking down the side with an oh-so-pretty cross that Soolsma couldn't get to, but Santos does. 3-2 and the Robins are mounting one hell of a comeba...

62 - GOAL - Borman's weak pass to Plata gets picked up by Philly. Ends up with Mapp who side steps his marker and lofts an uncontested shot into the back of the net.

64 - Though TFC were completely worthless in the first 45 minutes, this half they've figured them out and keep pressing. The question of "aren't these games on tape" comes up as TFC should have known this before kick-off.

72 - GOAL - Philly corner and Mwanga gets his head to it to beat a handcuffed Frei

73 - SUB - Stevanovic for Harden which by my watch is 73 minutes too f'ing late.

77 - Someone in section 114 is shooting beer down the hollowed shaft of a supporters flag and it is causing a commotion. We now have the fraternity of Phi Beta Fail. Scarves, message board and link off of TFC's website to come shortly.

Come to think of it, I would love a scarf of Phi Beta Fail...

89 - GOAL - Danny Mwanga. Didn't see it. Stopped caring 5 mins ago.

FULL-TIME : Toronto 2, Philadelphia 6

Man of the Match : Santos if only for the goals.

Goats of the Game : Harden and Gargan were "seriously doubting the existence of footballing skills" level of bad.

Ref Rating : at least a 4 out of 5. Very good stuff.

Player ratings : Frei 5.5, Gargan 3 (Borman 6), Harden 3 (Stevanovic NA), Williams 6, Eckersley 6.5, deGoo 5 (Martina 6), Tchani 5.5, Yourassowsky 6, Santos 6.5, Soolsma 6, Plata 6.5

We wanted to rate Gargan and Harden with 1's, but it is humanly possible to play worse... The south end supporters couldn't be bothered to sing after 3-0, and again at 5-2 which tells us there is a limit to their blind devotion and there's nothing wrong with that... 4-3-3 is fun, just missing 7-9 more players to use it properly... That's one and a half games in four days where Toronto has looked embarrassingly bad... We predicted a loss, but not an 8 goal smashfest... No weather system to bail them out this time... Le Toux was robbed from a well earned goal all game as he was all over the defenders and it scared the hell outta me... Speaking of MLS wish lists, I want Cronin and DeRo back ASAP, and lets go after Jamison Olave of RSL... As a United supporter, Barca looked amazing, full credit to them.


  1. Fourth goal, Mapp's second, came from a poor Frei clearence being intercepted by the goal scorer.

    Gargan and Harden need to find employment elsewhere, Harden especially in his time here has shown that when he's bad, he' really bad. Gargan has always been an overachiever who benefitted from the defensive system that Preki used last season and just isn't a good enough player in this league on a consistent basis. The midfield was poor defensively as well but it's pretty telling that the $1.9 million man got the hook and not Tchani or Yourawhatsisname.

  2. It is incomprehensible how some of you think that the failure of this useless team can be blamed on two players.There is more stink in Anselmi 's team than a Harden or a Gargan.

  3. @ anon 5:52

    Speaking for our South Stand reporter who will no doubt reply himself - we don't think those two are solely responsible for this mess. However, when your keystone blunders put the team down by 2 goals before most fans are in their seats there is a big problem. Of course, their selection to the starting 11 is an equal concern.

    In the synopsis you will see our reporter said we are 7-9 players away from being able to play this 4-3-3 style. Trust us, like you, we feel the frustration with the club. We are also very much in agreement when you called it "Anselmi's team". A truer footballing representation of MLSE could not exist.

    Cheers for reading...

  4. @anon 5:52

    This side is largely a failure. The first 45 minutes was a catastrophe wrapped in a disaster. I only out those two because the goals conceded by their mistakes were not compounded mistakes by the side, but individual performances. And those individual performances have been a regular theme since the "Hazy Shade of" Winter coaching staff came into effect.

    It took all of them to be useless, but those two would've been shown up by a few traffic cones.