The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Hi Stan,
I have to attend a Christmas party this week but I have a problem. My ex will be there too and it will be the first time I've seen her in ages. Should I talk to her or just keep my distance? It will be so awkward! Niko - Richmond Hill, ON
Pish posh, jolly old Saint Niko - time to forgive and forget over the Holidays! But, if you think that's awkward - you should have seen Old Stan's face back in '65 at the Bristol Rovers alumni Christmas do. We had to put on a pantomime for all the kiddies in the crowd and of course I was asked to play one of the wise men. Now who should end up next to me as bloody Balthazar but tricky outside left Peter Hooper?! I dropped my myrrh all over me curly boots. Peter and I never got along see - and now we had to tend to the tiny Messiah together! Now that's awkward. Silly old Hooper - played internationally for Kenya of all countries! Kenya! Didn't even know they had football outside of elephants kicking them about for tourists. Pachyderms - marvellous beasts, Niko. Tough hides, good memories and can dribble a novelty football. More than I can say about that bastard Hooper. Glad that set you straight.
Dear Stan,
I really enjoy your column and am very impressed with your wise and insightful answers. Tell us, what was the best relationship advice you ever received? Keep up the good work! Judy - Toronto, ON
Oh lass - flattery will get you everywhere (send me a telegram with your local telephone exchange directory) I'm happy to pass on some sage advice I once got - from a medical professional no less! It helped me keep the fires of my most rewarding relationship last well into her golden years. I was told: "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs. Cherish her as your trusted friend and she will never leave your side. Buy her the finest cuts of beef and be sure to keep her coat shiny and soft" Oh Gladys... she was with Old Stan well into her 80's. Which is about 12 in people years for Golden Retrievers. That vet also told me some advice about ringworm but I didn't write down that bit. Stay in touch Judith!
Hello Stan,
I'm a terrible last minute shopper and have no idea what to buy my brother for Christmas! As a "gent" yourself, could you share your Christmas wish list with us to help give me some ideas? Thanks and Merry Christmas! Tina - Barrie, ON
Bit of a procrastinator are you Tina? Well I wouldn't normally do this but since you sound like a bit of a go'er here is a sampling of the list I send in the Royal Mail to the women in my life...
  •  a gentleman's moustache comb and facial hair wax kit
  •  ivory
  •  sensible underpants (sanctioned by the Royal Air Force)
  •  an anonymous lump of coal sent to that bastard Peter Hooper
  •  opium
  •  an evening dressing gown (in brushed flannel or mink)
  •  the telephone number to Chris Waddle's barber
  •  a boat
  •  an invite to a Stewardess Party
  •  Peace on Earth and/or a new hunting rifle
Any of those 10 things will surely suit any man in your life Tina. By the way, any chance you work for an airline?
Merry Christmas to all of my readers… and the sexy stews out there. God Bless you all... especially Air France girls.
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

No comments:

Post a Comment