“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “… one more FA Cup if you know what I mean”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
I don't make New Year’s Resolutions, but, rather pick one simple thing to make life more enjoyable or easier than the previous year. What would you do?
Marion Lisa – Toronto, ON
　
Planning for the future is a slippery eel my dear. Old Stan lives for the day. Carp for a dime and all that! Except Wednesdays, they’re rubbish. Always be ready for a Wednesday lass. But hey-ho back to your question… one thing… Alright – stay off the ocean, don’t travel outside of the United Kingdom, a healthy eating regime, sup less ale and settle down with a hearty and sturdy lady. Maybe get my hands on one more FA Cup if you know what I mean. Yours, Stan
　
Hi Stan!
What did a worldly man like you do for the holidays?
Jeff – Pickering, ON
　
Why do you instantly assume that my life is one big carnival circus Jeffrey? Don’t underestimate a bit of the old peace and quiet! Only plans I made were to attend the Southend United Alumni do at some restaurant down by the Thames. Almost made it as well! On my way I spotted a riverboat with a load of party lights. There was a massive food table with breads, meats, breaded meats and jellied starters, mains and puddings along with more ale than a Galway wake. Also, party boats have nautical stewardesses apparently – top trumps! Stumbled off of there just before sun-up but just as I heard the toot-toot from the docks I realized I left my trusty flat cap on the bar. I dove back on board the dark boat just as it was pulling away. Couldn’t see my hat but there was a hammock and I had a belly full of jellies so had a kip. Peace and quiet – it was the holidays after all!
　
Stan,
How do you see TFC doing this year?
Marcus – Toronto, ON　

ROYAL MARITIME POSTAL SERVICE:
9 Degrees S, 147 Degrees E
　
Dearest Marcus,

Humbles if this reaches you in a tardy way but it travels via international gyrocopter. First up, you had a grammatical error in your query – it’s not TFC, it is known as T of C on the high seas. The Tropic of Capricorn and I saw it just fine from the portal of my cabin on the wretched steamer ship HMS Splendid Albatross. You see, Old Stan’s flat cap had been left on that party barge but the boat I jumped onto in the murky hours was this dreadful cargo clipper on route to the deepest, darkest Indian Ocean with a hold full of Holy Bibles, shaving lather and giant portraits of our beloved Monarch.

　
By time I woke up from that post-party stupor I was chugging by the coast of Africa. Gone was the feast, the ales… the nautical stews. Instead, Old Stan became the ship’s head of calisthenics and yarns while being forced to see all the countries I never wanted to see. Belgian Congo, Togoland, Rhodesia and the Dutch Mauritius – not a single quality steak & kidney pie in any of them. Only entertainment was the BBC World Service on the wireless (Darlington in the FA Cup 3RD Round proper!).

　
After ages at sea we reached the savage cannibals and head-hunters of "Papua" New Guinea where we were met by a chief called "Tabooey Kablooey something or other". I called him "Bobby" and told him this would always be the British New Guinea to me. Nice enough lad. Ladies in his tribe had no time for LadyBlouses so there was that. Tried to teach them some footy but foreigners never understand the offside trap do they?

　
After a couple of days, two of the Albatross’ crew went missing. Probably swam to Australia for a decent pint. Had a slap up meal that night with Bobby’s lot. A bit gamey but tasted a wee bit of home. The tribe had a kickabout after. Useless ball though – looked like a big oval rock in a sack but they had two of them at least. After tea time, couple of the lads hung about me and started measuring my head for size. Something tells me these locals love a bit of the Old Stan and some gent is going to be surprised with a new flat cap any day now! Should be back home soon – tell Darlington I’m fit and ready for the 4TH Round!

　
Cheerio all, Stan

　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue… but you should probably hold on to it until the next Shipping Report…

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “...this is no time for such frivolity!”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan!
Merry Christmas to you! What would you say is the true meaning of the holidays?
Aaron – Markham, ON
　
Tidings to you good sir! This is a fine question as we head towards this special time. We’ve lost the true spirit of the season what with crass commercialism and the never ending push to consume. No matter what religion you follow, whether you celebrate the birth of the infant baby our Messiah… or Miscellaneous Other… the true meaning of the season is goodwill towards all men, peace around the world and forgiveness unto your brother.
　
Holiday time – great stuff. Played with an Edwin Holliday at Middlesbrough for a stretch. Never forget during the FA Cup 3rd Round Replay against Hartlepool. There was a couple of stewardess birds off of British Caledonian in the front row that I was having an old wink at. Just as I was about to get a number, Holliday has a shot on goal that wallops Old Stan’s backside and goes in for the winner! Of course I run over to the stews to celebrate, only to hear over the tannoy that Edwin Holliday was credited with the goal. He ended up with Man of the Match and I saw him leaving with a stew in his Vauxhall! I have nothing but ill will towards that man to this day. If I saw him on the street I’d punch him right in the kidneys. He had been like a brother to me – but I’ll never forgive him.
　
Stan,
iPhone, Android or BlackBerry?
Liam – Kitchener, ON
　
Great Lord Kitchener! Is this code chap?! Has this been filtered through the Enigma machine? I’m here for you soldier. Morse me (I phoning you is too risky!) a reply to the following: Are you in a foxhole? Are you currently behind enemy lines? Is "Operation: Android" a go? Oh bugger, I knew this day was coming! Bloody Soviets! Not to be trusted. This is a real blackberry of a pudding indeed. I shall go ring the church bells to alert the village! Keep safe Private! Your brother in arms – Stan
　
Hello Stan,
I bought my boyfriend TFC season tickets but still want some stocking stuffer ideas. What would a man like you recommend?
Tracy – Pickering, ON
　
Good gravy lady – this is no time for such frivolity! Our boys are holding down the final line between us and a life in the Gulag! (Still awaiting the next code Liam! Over.) However, for the good of the Commonwealth we need to keep a stiff upper lip and continue on with traditions. Otherwise The Bolsheviks have already won. Here’s a few items Old Stan wants to see in his Yuletide Sock…　

• Gentleman’s Foaming Brush (tortoise or ivory handle only)
• Thick Church Bell Ringer’s Gloves (mink lining)
• Myrrh
• That British Caledonian stewardess’ I Phone number
• A deluxe, bomb-shelter friendly waterbed
• Someone to punch that bastard Edwin Holliday in the kidneys
• A Prussian-English Dictionary (just in case)
• Musky scented balms / a bayonet rifle
• A bushel of blackberries (for some reason)
• Heinz Salad Cream

Any of those ten things should fill your man’s stockings amply. Especially in these last few days of peace. Enjoy this Christmas… like it’s your last. Stan.
　
Happy Christmas/Miscellaneous to all of my readers. May the spirit of the Yuletide/Other be on you… before the nuclear menace from beyond the Iron Curtain engulfs us in the Czar’s cruel grasp. Cheerio!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “Sweet Jackie Charlton that is hot!”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan,
It’s my dream to play professional soccer (hopefully with Toronto FC) but my school coach says I need to be stronger. I heard that high protein diets can help build mass – do you agree?
Jordan – Whitby, ON
　
Firstly young duck, your grammar is as dreary as your grasp on diet. Anyfronts, you’ll be runt of the litter if you don’t eat proper lad! Old Stan always followed the dietary guidelines of the 1949 Ministry of Edibles and Transport’s handbook "Eat This Britain". This timeless bit of prose outlines the 9 Essential Food Categories for your gob. Followed them since my first tooth and played for over 23 professional football clubs! In nautical order the categories are: Irish Steel-Cut Oats; Custard; Bread; Meat; Breaded Meat; Powdered Milk; Eel (Jellied or other); Ale/Stout; and Other. Only eating the meaty way will give you a Turk’s belly and the sweats something awful. Must say though – all this butcher chat has given me the pangs for some bacon rashers. Played with a Ronnie Bacon at Gillingham once. Terrible pass completion – I never got on the end of his service. Goes to show you – all Bacon makes for a poor career. He smelled like powdered milk as well.
　
Hey there Stan,
I’m coaching my daughter’s soccer team – how do I balance being her parent and being her coach?
Maurizio – Vaughan, ON

You sir have made my day! What a rollicking belly laugh you’ve given me. LadyFootball! I’ll put that one in the old steamer trunk of chuckles for a gloomy day alongside bollocks like "Soviet Collapse", "Channel Tunnels" and women in trousers. And your false name… how did you come up with that jumble of letters and sounds? You have a gift – like a young Peter Cook. As the young ruffians would say on their portable telephone machines: "LOL – a Letter of Laughter"! Cheers Marvin (wink)
　
Stan,
I’d love it if you could finish the following sentence: "A woman looks hottest when __________"
Thanks! Kristina – Toronto, ON
　
Bloomin’ heck Missus! You are a cheeky so-and-so! Well you sound like a bird who knows how to give her gent what he’s after so let’s not beat around the old bush then… we’re all adults here and we know what we’re on about. It’s not just a hot image in Stan’s mind’s eye… it’s piping hot! Steam rising to meet the heat, long lean legs, a sweet rounded rump, juices flowing… boiling to a crescendo and leaving your lady dripping from the temperature of that steamy room. Yes! Yes! Nothing like coming home to your lass putting the finishing touches on a roast lamb dinner in a clammy kitchen. Sweet Jackie Charlton that is hot! If she happens to be wearing a Royal Jubilee apron, all the better! Old Stan needs a smoke. Bit of mutton wouldn’t go a miss either. Don’t forget the other 8 food categories Kristina!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “Canary of the Year”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Stan,
TFC just hired a new president and changes seem likely - did you ever end up with a tough new boss unexpectedly?
Rick - Alliston, ON
　
I feel your pain Richard (King's English please) - some new gaffers are just plain nasty pieces of work. Old Stan was having a cracker of a year at Norwich City. Was headed for the luxurious "Canary of the Year" award until that old curmudgeon Norman Low was put in as the new boss. Honestly, you train for nearly two hours a week, cut down to a pack a day and even switch from the stout to the ale - and for what? One late night out at his daughter's 18th birthday bash and I'm in the reserves! Norman Low got his though - ended up in the Americas managing something called the Cleveland Stokers in an NASL - which was possibly some type of television programme. Ah, stokers - fabulous things - blowing away to keep the fire alive. Wonder what happened to young Bernice Low? Good luck with the new chief Ricardo!
　
Hi Stan!
Where do you see yourself five years in the future? Thanks!
Cindy - Ottawa, ON
　
Well you are an excitable lass aren't you? That's an unreasonably heavy dosage of the exclamation marking lady. Are you taking LadyMedications? Anywhats, Old Stan makes it a point to never look too far into the future. Why fret over things you can't change? Live for today Cindy - the future is a vast unknown. That being said, in two quarters of a decade you will most likely find yours truly circling overhead in his personal gyrocopter looking down sadly at Communist-controlled Moonlandia as the great apes fight for the last remnants of nuclear-scorched terrain againt the evil robot-machine overlords. Either that, or on a small boat in the British West Indies. Live for today... and use less irrational typography.
　
Hi Stan,
What do you think about dating older women? Appreciated,
Warren, Oakville ON
　
My pleasure Warren - about thrice an hour. Oh sorry... "what"... not "when". Aye up, start over. Don't be so fickle Warren! The older woman can be worldly with exotic experience and may have learned some very interesting things along the way. Especially if she's from Derbyshire... if you catch my tail. As long as the lady you are pondering fills out a frock in the right regions and knows the her way around the business end of a shepherd's pie, Old Stan says don't think thrice about it. Go forth and experience the charms of the older woman. After all, the 22-25 year old set deserves some affection as well!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “…faffin’ about in pastel boots ”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan,
I’m frustrated with TFC as they seem more interested in money over winning championships. Were endorsements and sponsorships this important when you played?
Craig - Etobicoke, ON
　
The modern game has gone to absolute tosh my lad. All I see on the Match of The Day now is a bunch of foreign ponces faffin’ about in pastel boots with kits that look like motorway ad hoardings. It’s a bloody disgrace I say! Players selling their souls for the almighty shilling - is nothing sacred? Just play your football then maybe a post-match pint at The Cobbler’s Arms Pub on William Street ("For good times and good ale it’s The Cobbler’s Arms"); possibly if you are peckish you may stop for some nosh at P. Wilson Pie & Mash on the High Street ("The official jellied eel purveyor of Southend United’s Stan Bentley"); and make it a night out I say, you played well and you did fix up your hair after the match with Olde Berkshire Masculine Hairstyling Petroleum ("On the pull? Reach for Olde Berkshire") – just don’t give in to greed and shameless self-promotion! All the best, Stan Bentley ("Modern Day Advice – The Bentley Way")
　
Stan!
Just started to read "The Gents" and love it. Can I follow you on Twitter or Facebook?
Justin – Toronto, ON
　
Who are you man and why are you following me?! Don’t try it on boy-o, Old Stan knows a thing or two about being followed… and I own a pair of karate slippers. I was trailed for weeks when I played for Charlton Athletic. Shadowy figure following me about all round South London: The Gentleman’s Oriental Calisthenics Parlour (where I got the slippers), The Gentleman’s Parlour of Boudoir Ladydancing and even to the Community Opium Parlour (unisex) – no respite! It was only after I got transferred to Carlisle United that I heard through the grapevine (a boudoir ladydancer) that my mystery stalker had been my teammate at The Addicks - speedy forward Johnny Summers! But tell me this one - how I was supposed to know that Mrs. Rhonda Summers was married? Kept a few photos of his lady in a book – none of her face though. Keep away, Stan.
　
Hello Stan,
I have a problem. My boyfriend is very competitive with me about our careers and it really bothers me – what can I do?
Samantha – Bolton, ON
　
Cheerio Samantha – love to get some post from a ladyreader. And Bolton too! Up the Trotters! To your query though… I must say I am utterly confused. By my scientific calculations your boyfriend is quite alarmingly employed in the secretarial pool, as some type of crossdressing lunch lady or he is a stewardess. Ah, competitive stewardesses. Old Stan was a celebrity judge once at the "Pan-European Stewardess Olympiad and Dance" you know. Fantastic display it was. Trolley Dollies as far as the eye could see. The Inga from Royal Dutch was ahead until she failed to light my pipe properly; then the ginger from Aer Lingus underbuttered my scone which left the madame from Air France… took her three fumbly goes before she successfully buckled my safety belt – 1st Prize! Any way you slice it Samantha, there’s no need to fret – any airline with a male stewardess like your boyfriend will soon be bankrupt! You win! Bon Voyage!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “What’s wrong with Blackpool…?”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hello Stan,
What would you say is the key to a successful relationship/partnership?
Yours truly, Chris – Welland, ON
　
Firstly chap, why the use of "/" in your query? Hands too tired for the Queen’s "and or"? No wonder you’re bollocks with relationships you lazy sod! Secondly, be clear lad – are you referring to a relationship "and or" partnership with a fellow professional, and or a more horizontal relation? Chocks away – Old Stan will cover all of your lackadaisical bases Christopher...

In a workplace partner seek someone with a good head on their shoulders, a keen eye and a poacher’s left foot wide of goal – a real Bobby Hunt off of Colchester United. In the lady-range, grab a lass who can fill out a gown while being a dab hand with both the gas range and a typewriter. Either or, the top traits in a life-long partnership are loyalty, trust and let’s be honest… physical beauty. In the good times and the bad, you have to accept their shortcomings and have them accept yours. So Guv, when it comes down to it, the key to any successful relationship is my dear Alsatian – Douglas. Wonderful canine he is. Smells a wee bit of egg but you know what? Never missed an easy goal in the 1957 FA Cup 4th Round like a certain Bobby Hunt and or overcooked my cheese on toast. Edna.
　
Stan,
Toronto FC had bad luck this year when a black cat ran in front of our goalie during a game. Did you believe in superstitions when you played?
Tim – Richmond Hill, ON
　
"Pish-posh" is what Stan says to superstitions. Bunch of old clap-trap for fishwives and the clergy. And, what is wrong with the Black Cats? I had a right good run-out with Sunderland in my day. Although, now you mention it, there was a bit of funny business at Roker Park. Scottish keeper Willie Fraser would always be first in line at the canteen on fish Fridays and was a very superstitious lad. If he dropped a grain of salt off his plate he’d use the rest of the shaker tossing it over his shoulders. By time I’d get to the front of the line there wouldn’t be a grain of the white stuff left for my chips and if there is one guarantee in life – unsalted chip on a Friday means no goals on a Saturday. That’s just science! One Friday Old Stan tried to get right near the front of the grub line only to end up with a grain of salt in the eyeball from one of the Scotsman’s tosses. I was out for fortnight then transferred away from Sunderland. Bit of bad luck that was. Made a point never to cross paths with the Black cats again… nor say Willie Fraser’s name three times in a mirror. So don’t be a silly boy Timothy – no such malarkey!
　
Hi Stan,
Love your article. My fiancé and I are planning our honeymoon and since you seem well travelled I thought I’d ask – would you go to France or Cuba if you had a choice?
Hope to hear from you, Victor – Mississauga, ON
　
No. That would be the answer. You’ve got one thing spot-on though matey, Stan has seen the world… from Skegness to Margate… I’ve been around and I will tell you right now, your choices couldn’t be worse for a honeymoon. Seriously man - France? What’s wrong with Blackpool like regular newlyweds? I took the ferry across to Boulogne once to get some cheap ‘baccy. Got on the first boat back to Dover. If you’d like your post-nuptials to resemble the evacuation of Dunkirk, be my guest but don’t come crying to me when your new ladywife spends the next four weeks getting the smell of soft cheese out of your waistcoat. And my word, Cuba? If your idea of a romantic getaway is Fascist Marxism, boxing and cigarillos… enjoy Vladimir. Three weeks on a steamer to Havana followed by a week of eating nowt but dry beans? Good luck getting your lady near your Tropic of Cancer after five days of bean trumps. You’ll be the one with a Cuban Missile Crisis boy-o. Just two words for you my socialist sympathiser: A caravan in Wales. Congrats!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Good for the chops"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Welcome back Stan!
As a long suffering Toronto FC fan I was upset to hear the players say that lack of fitness in the pre-season hurt them this year. Can you tell us how you trained for a new season in your playing days?
All the best, Rick – Oakville, ON
　
Howdo Rikki Tikki Tavi - good to be back… good to be anywhere! Foreigners, really! Anylengths duck, to the business at hand – how Old Stan became a specimen of footballing finesse. You see, something today’s pampered princes can’t get their bread loaf around is that football is a yearlong profession for manly men. The day the last fixture ends is when the next season begins! In the two month break, yours truly would put the nose to the millstone in preparation. First – six gruelling weeks at the seaside. Bracing North Sea air – good for the chops. Cut down to two packs of ‘baccy a day to clear out the whooping. Replace battered sausage with a healthier alternative – battered cod. And finally… the most important advice for your local side – no physical relations with the wife! A younger lass is far better for the cardio. Fitness!
　
Hey Stan,
I just moved into my first home alone. It’s a very small condo and I want to get an animal for company – what do you think – a budgie or a goldfish?
Andrew, Toronto, ON
　
Steady on Andrew, do I look like a cocker spaniel? "Hey" is for horses - and Belgians. Back to your query my informal lonely heart. Now… are you talking about a pet or a meal? A fish belongs in one of two places – The 7 Seas or battered (see above) next to a helping of chips and a pile of mushy peas. And a bird? Are you a pirate Andrew? Your typistry skills lead me to think you are hook-less – so no. Budgies though. I played with South African striker John "Budgie" Byrne at Crystal Palace. Useless he was, left foot like a pirate’s hook. Plumage was naff as well. Still, Selhurst Park was very close to Gatwick Aeroport and "Budgie" knew a few trolley dollys from South African Airways. Talk about your birds with plumage. Side note – don’t mention the "very small condo" to the ladies or you’ll be lonely for a stretch. Glad that’s sorted!
　
Hi Stan,
A pretty simple question for you… What tops your bucket list?
Karen – Stoney Creek. ON
　
First of all lass, sorry to hear about the state of your local waterway. Sounds treacherous. To your right good question – top of my bucket list. Old Stan is a man who likes stability; being able to grab hold of things with ease; getting the most out of things. So with that… a nice corrugated iron bucket with my initials engraved on the side. Since a boy I have always coveted the "Admiral" model bucket from Micklewaite & Son Bucketry and Ironmongery in Northampton. That my dear is a top shelf pail. Oh, how I’d love to own one of those before I die. You should look into one what with your stoney creek issue lass! All my love – why not send me a picture?
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Huzzah for seeking out Old Stan"

With Toronto FC well into their annual boycott of the MLS playoffs, fans of the club get a chance to take a breather and evaluate where their lives are after a long season. Of course in our stressful "modern era" things can sometimes get on top of us and we seek a wise voice to listen to. Many of you lean on friends and family in these times of need but what about those moments when you need someone outside of your inner circle?
　
Forget doctors, clergy or do-gooders - there is no more trusted a figure whom to seek advice from than a 1950's journeyman English footballer. Those of you who have visited The Yorkies for a while will remember our advice column "The Gents", where your questions and problems were answered by the lower divisions' mid-century midfield maestro Stan Bentley. Sadly, the column stopped abruptly before the 2012 TFC season as Stan informed all of a need to travel to "Rhodesia" under a cloud of possible offspring, eggy canines and Barnsley FC.
　
We thought "Old Stan" was lost to the White Nile and the sands of time... until we received the following telegram via autogyro with a Rhodesian postmark yesterday...
　
Dearest Commonwealth Colonials STOP

Huzzah for seeking out Old Stan Bentley STOP

Currently on steam locomotive traversing the Belgian Congo STOP

Had to leave Rhodesia sharpish STOP

There was this young lady's father you see STOP

Due to arrive in the Port of Alexandria in 4/8ths of a fort-night STOP

Alighting on steamship "Arabian Waterdonkey" STOP

Just saw a camel out the window STOP

One hump or two? Know what Old Stan would do STOP

Marvellous creatures STOP

Will return to Old Blighty via Folkestone STOP

Shall reply to all of your peccadilloes then STOP

Are Coventry City still top of the league? STOP

Yours gentlemanly, Stan Bentley STOP
　
So there we have it, the return of "The Gents with Stan Bentley" is imminent as are sagely answers to all of your problems, questions and comments whether they be general, personal or Toronto FC related. Send your questions for Stan in an email via theyorkies1812@gmail.com or simply leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue.
　
New to Stan's brand of gentlemanly advice? Just click on this "The Gents with Stan Bentley" link to revel in last year's wisdom.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Lose this postage address please..."

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Dear Stan,
I didn't have much contact with my father growing up but now, as an adult, I have the opportunity to rekindle my relationship with him. Do you think this is a good idea? Stephen - Grimsby, ON
　
That's a bit of a gherkin isn't it Stevie? Old Stan's dad, Old Stan Sr., never had much time for us sprogs what with the war, the animal husbandry and Kettering Town FC. Made me the man I am today though - the tough fathering, not the animal husbandry - and he always had a boiled sweet when I needed one. Give it a go lad, why not? From an acorn grows an oak! So, you're in Grimsby are you Steve? Stan played for Grimsby Town back in the day. Had a lovely girl there for a bit. Trapeze artist - flexible stuff. Sheila was her name. Lost contact with her after I went to Plymouth Argyle... came back a year later and she had a nipper of her own - little lad... Stuart... Stefan... Ste... Um something like that. Anyways - must run. Good luck - no need to write back!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm really upset with my husband right now. He bought tickets for the big TFC vs. LA game but only for his friends - not for me and our kids. I don't think its right to leave his family behind, do you? Am I right to be angry? Thanks. Michelle - Stoufville, ON
　
What in the name of good King Wenceslas?! You don't know a Sheila, do you? What are you trying to get across here, woman? A man needs space! Maybe your husband just wants to go to the match with some mates - ever think of that? Maybe he's not ready to be tied down from sun-up to sundown! Maybe his Triumph Two-Seater isn't made for kiddies! Maybe he owed money to a dodgy bloke in Grimsby! Time and tide wait for no man! Um, what were we talking about? Oh, yes... sure... be cross with him... whatever. Old Stan needs to find a train timetable for St. Pancras sharp-like. Glad to help... lose this postage address please.
　
Hey Stan,
As a football man - what do you think of Toronto FC's investment into the academy? Do you think if the young kids get that kind of mentoring they will be successful? Jonathan - Toronto, ON
　
Sorry? But why would I know anything about mentoring boys? Anyways this isn't Stan - he had to go... do somewhere else... I'm Old... Stu Bartley. If it gets you on to different news I'm sure Stan would have said "walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs" - or something similar. But he's not here. It's just me... Stu. Stan went to... Rhodesia... to do some scouting for Barnsley FC... yes, that's what I'm sure he said. Quite sure he also told his postman Reg to ignore letters from any Stephens, Sheilas and possibly someone named Johnny "The Nose" in Grimsby. Oh there's the 10:40 to Dover, that's my... I mean that's Stan's train. Off he goes! Cheerio Stan! Locomotives - great stuff.
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Well, you're probably out of luck for a while as Stan's mail seems to be going unanswered. We're sure he'll return one day but in the meantime you could try a telegram to Rhodesia.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A woman at the football?"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Hi Stan
I've been dating my girlfriend for two years and am ready to pop the question. I'm thinking of doing it on the Jumbotron at the big TFC match in March - what do you think? Phil - Niagara Falls, ON
　
First of all Phillip, you're from Niagara Falls? Fantastic stuff! Are you a daredevil? Although if you're thinking about marriage... I guess you are! Second of all - what in the name of King George is a Jumbotron? Is this one of those robot elephants those mad Japanese boffins are working on? Magic stuff that. The future is really upon us Phillip - robot elephants, dogs in space... indoor plumbing. A wondrous age. Back to your original question though lad, you surely haven't thought this through... you're wife-to-be won't be at the match will she? A woman at the football? Excellent gag! Jetpacks and electric kettles maybe - ladies at football - not in our lifetime! Happy weddinging!
　
Stan,
Being a man of the world & all I figured you might have some advice on loyalty and where to place it. My problem is that if my favourite footie team changes over the players & coaching staff any more often, they'll have to put a revolving door on the locker room. However, In spite of it all, some players really do show themselves as outstanding in the little time they're given. Do I follow favourite players on their new teams or do I stick by my team even if it's nearly unrecognisable from one season to the next? Marion Lisa - Toronto, ON
　
My dear maiden (Marion, see what Old Stan did there? Great stuff.) without loyalty to one's cherished club - what use is there being a supporter at all? Always had great pride in oneself in regard to loyalty to my teammates and club. Never dreamt of changing club stripes. However, the greatest shame of my career was one night when I was with Huddersfield Town - I had been to a mate’s stag in Paris and got on a night train back to London where we were playing West Ham. After getting off the train I found the stadium and went to the dressing room in a wine fog. The match was starting so I put on our odd new mustard colour away strip and ran to the pitch. It was peculiar though - Bill McGarry had grown a twirly 'tache, Jimmy Glazzard looked like a giant slavic butcher and Ken Taylor was speaking in tongues. It was only at halftime I realized I had got on the wrong train. Still, I had to stay loyal to my club. That was a great few months at Dukla Prague. Europe - what a curious place! Too bad about the foreigners.
　
Hello Stan,
How do you think the Draft is going to go tomorrow? Marco - Thornhill, ON
　
What's this you say my Milanese matey? The draft is coming back tomorrow? Well it's about bloody time says Old Stan. These coddled youth of today should be giving back to their King and country. I see those nogoodniks walking about the shopping precincts with their shaggy hair, denim overalls and portable telephone machines sending blackberries to their unwed mothers. Country is going down the pan so it's about time they brought the draft back. A good old battle will sort them out. Those Soviets won't sit still forever you know! Thanks for letting me know Marco - maybe I can go into town and get a sticky bun in peace. Ooh - maybe a blackberry one. Delicious stuff that. Tally-ho!
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "In the middle of your wedding mattress"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Dear Stan,
My husband and I are years away from retirement and with two young children, have a hard time saving money for retirement. What do you recommend? RRSP's? Love your advice, Tina - Markham, ON
　
The RRSP?! Whatever you do - do not put your hard-earned dosh there lass! Those carpetbaggers took a load of Old Stan's Stirling to invest in deepest Africa's "first men's beard and moustache clinic". Did it ever get built? No chance! The Royal Rhodesian Savings Partnership my foot! Wispy 'taches allover Zanzibar to this day! Do yourself a favour, when your husband lets you touch the money, put it all in mason jars or in the middle of your wedding mattress. However - do not hide it at your gent's place of business. You never know when he may be barred from returning. Somewhere buried under Walsall's Fellows Park is one of my old mattresses - full of mason jars. Still think the bloody Rhodesians were behind my sacking. Keep saving!
　
Hi Stan,
Big TFC fan and I love your column. Here's a little fun thing to do - please finish the following sentence: "I think a woman looks hottest in..." Dean - Burlington, ON
　
Old Stan loves a wee brain twister boy - Dean of whatever University you are Dean of. Alrighty then, here we go... "Stan thinks a woman looks hottest in..." "...the pantry after peeling the carrot and the potatoes have reached a boil with the steam going causing the temperature in the room to rise." You know Dean, pots bubbling, Yorkshire puddings baking, lovely lamb shank stirring in its juices, bit of a sticky toffee pudding for afters. Oh my, this questions has had quite an affect! Who's hot now? Why it's old Stan... for a lovely bit of mutton! Let's smell gas!
　
Stan,
What are your thoughts on Eastern medicine? Terence - Toronto, ON
　
Interested in the mystical world of the East are you Terry? I don't blame you lad, it's quite a magical world that can soothe all kinds of malodourous ailments. I had a terrible turn with a new club once - faced a long spell off with injury. The regular docs had no answers for me so I travelled to the East and popped in and out of small shops and dens having a look for a cure. It was a world of interesting people with a language of their own and digestibles made from the oddest ingredients. Tell you what though - after a couple of months of jellied eels, sausage in batter, giant gherkins, pie & mash with parsley liquor and dark ales - Old Stan was right as night. Ah, that mysterious land. Luckily I was with Charlton at the time so London's East End was only a few stops away on the tube. Cheeky, mystical cockneys! Keep fit Terry!
　
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Toss it all on the rubbish heap"



Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Hi Stan,
I'm trying to organize an epic New Year's Eve party. What's your most memorable New Year? Looking for inspiration! Chris - Toronto, ON
　
Old Stan loves a good New Year's bash! Most memorable one though? Let's have a think. Well one year my old Watford team mates Sammy Chung - you remember him, funny little Half-Englishman / Half-Chineseman - told me to visit him in the proud British colony of Hong Kong. It's a long flight on that BOAC DC-7 from Heathrow with connections in Constantinople, Bombay and Ceylon. I'm not the most patient flyer (despite the trolley dollys) so I had my chemist stir me up a pre-flight powdered elixir which I had with a G&T somewhere over Persia. By time Old Stan landed in Hong Kong I was still floating on clouds. Jumped in a rickshaw outside the airport and ended up in downtown HK - saw a place all lit up called "The Crystal Palace". Never been in a place so smoky. It definitely wasn't Selhurst Park. Chinese bird gave be a drink... I woke up sometime in mid-February. Don't remember nowt else about it. Very memorable.
　
Dear Stan,
I've put on a few extra pounds over Christmas. As a former professional footballer, how would you recommend going about shedding the fat? Thanks. Ron - Grimsby, ON
　
First of all, take what all these so called "experts" and "doctors" say and toss it all on the rubbish heap. One - stop eating all those fruits and greens! Full of useless sugars and belly-busting roughage. Hair of the dog Ronald! Start the day with a Full English fry-up, a healthy portion of chips with a battered sausage at lunch, a cup of jellied eels if you're peckish at tea-time then a nice roast beef supper. After all that, get your callisthenics in with a run down to your local; down a few pints of bitter; have a light jog home. Then - get out your film camera and watch the newsreel of the disgraceful 1959 FA Cup Final where Forest robbed Luton Town of the trophy. That's enough to make the most ironclad stomach sick all over. You'll feel thin in no time chubbsy!
　
Stan,
I have a wedding to attend in January and wonder if I should buy something from the couple's wedding registry or go for something more personal? Marg - Syracuse, NY
　
Why have I not heard of this? There is a central Couple's Wedding Registry? Orwell was right! Bloody communists - first firing a dog into the moon now they're tagging and tracking nuptials? Bastards! Well, since this wedding must be on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall I would recommend getting the unhappy couple a bucket and spade, a mining helmet, a pole vaulting set or a hot air balloon. Trick is hiding it all inside a cake. Bloody Stasi are nosey Parkers. If not - just get the groom earplugs. Even behind the Iron Curtain - a wife is still a wife. Cheers!
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs"



Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

　
Hi Stan,
I have to attend a Christmas party this week but I have a problem. My ex will be there too and it will be the first time I've seen her in ages. Should I talk to her or just keep my distance? It will be so awkward! Niko - Richmond Hill, ON
　
Pish posh, jolly old Saint Niko - time to forgive and forget over the Holidays! But, if you think that's awkward - you should have seen Old Stan's face back in '65 at the Bristol Rovers alumni Christmas do. We had to put on a pantomime for all the kiddies in the crowd and of course I was asked to play one of the wise men. Now who should end up next to me as bloody Balthazar but tricky outside left Peter Hooper?! I dropped my myrrh all over me curly boots. Peter and I never got along see - and now we had to tend to the tiny Messiah together! Now that's awkward. Silly old Hooper - played internationally for Kenya of all countries! Kenya! Didn't even know they had football outside of elephants kicking them about for tourists. Pachyderms - marvellous beasts, Niko. Tough hides, good memories and can dribble a novelty football. More than I can say about that bastard Hooper. Glad that set you straight.
　
Dear Stan,
I really enjoy your column and am very impressed with your wise and insightful answers. Tell us, what was the best relationship advice you ever received? Keep up the good work! Judy - Toronto, ON
　
Oh lass - flattery will get you everywhere (send me a telegram with your local telephone exchange directory) I'm happy to pass on some sage advice I once got - from a medical professional no less! It helped me keep the fires of my most rewarding relationship last well into her golden years. I was told: "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs. Cherish her as your trusted friend and she will never leave your side. Buy her the finest cuts of beef and be sure to keep her coat shiny and soft" Oh Gladys... she was with Old Stan well into her 80's. Which is about 12 in people years for Golden Retrievers. That vet also told me some advice about ringworm but I didn't write down that bit. Stay in touch Judith!
　
Hello Stan,
I'm a terrible last minute shopper and have no idea what to buy my brother for Christmas! As a "gent" yourself, could you share your Christmas wish list with us to help give me some ideas? Thanks and Merry Christmas! Tina - Barrie, ON
　
Bit of a procrastinator are you Tina? Well I wouldn't normally do this but since you sound like a bit of a go'er here is a sampling of the list I send in the Royal Mail to the women in my life...

•  a gentleman's moustache comb and facial hair wax kit
•  ivory
•  sensible underpants (sanctioned by the Royal Air Force)
•  an anonymous lump of coal sent to that bastard Peter Hooper
•  opium
•  an evening dressing gown (in brushed flannel or mink)
•  the telephone number to Chris Waddle's barber
•  a boat
•  an invite to a Stewardess Party
•  Peace on Earth and/or a new hunting rifle

Any of those 10 things will surely suit any man in your life Tina. By the way, any chance you work for an airline?
　
Merry Christmas to all of my readers… and the sexy stews out there. God Bless you all... especially Air France girls.
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Before you know it - a lovely pie!"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

　
Dear Stan,
I am really enjoying FIFA 12, but I find it damn near impossible to adjust from Semi-Pro difficulty to Professional difficulty. I can't seem to defend that well in Professional difficulty and it's really hard for me to get a shot on goal. What kind of expertise would you give for this situation? Michael - Oakville, ON
　
Pip-pip Michael, you have struck a real chord with Old Stan with this one. The boys down at FIFA are a jolly good bunch and I've spent more than a few Sunday afternoons knee-deep with them. It's been a while so I didn't realize they instituted a Semi-Pro and Professional classification but I assume it has something to do with the size of the catch? "Shot on goal" is also a funny term for getting a biggun but they all end up "in a net" - so I like it! I'm still mates with prolific striker Ray Crawford and some other chaps down in Suffolk so if you like, I can get some of the lads from FIFA (The Federation of Ipswich Fly Anglers) to give you a ring on the blower. Keep fishing Michael!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm really not much of a gourmet but need to whip up a holiday dinner. Can you please give me your best recipe? Much appreciated - Len - Auburn Hills, MI
　
It's true Len, Stan loves a good slap-up meal. I've had the privilege of eating in some fine establishments anywhere from Torquay to Carlisle. Here's a recipe for a winner... "Bentley's Christmas Pie". First the ingredients...
- 2 bushels of leeks; a quart of high-quality Thames eels; a half-yard of streaky bacon; a pint of Derbyshire Cream; a farmer's hat of crumbled barley; and, a pinch of Yugoslavian brandy.
- Once you've got these ingredients, tell your wife and/or secretary where they are; then, find a good film to watch on the telly; and before you know it - a lovely pie!
- Serves 3 to 17 people. Enjoy!
　
Stan,
I've recently started online dating. I've been chatting with a woman for a while now but a bit worried about taking it farther. She looks great in her profile, we are both TFC fans and seem to get along really well. Just wondering if you know of any checks I can do before agreeing to meet. Thanks for your help, love your column.... Trey - Mississauga, ON
　
Checks? You've come to the right place Trey. Is that short for Treymond by the way? Hey-ho, Stan knows about meeting new ladies on the line. I used to take the Metropolitan Line tube up to Watford most match days. Lovely ginger bird used to get on at Finchley Road station. I could tell she liked the look of Old Stan and so I offered her a boiled sweet and got chatting. Let's just say that before the train reached Harrow-on-the-Hill, Stan was an expert in dating on the line. Huzzah! If you want to be careful though boy, ask this new lass to show you her passport, a letter from her vicar and a notarized record of her recent vaccinations. Reminds me, have to pop out and get an ointment from the chemist. That night out after the friendly against Sparta Prague is still haunting me. Czechs! Good luck, Treymond.
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Dear Stan,
I'm very attracted to a woman who I work with and get the feeling she feels the same. My office has a strict policy against co-workers dating but I really want to ask her out. What do you think of workplace romances? Thanks, Steve - Etobicoke, ON
　
Getting a little amorous between the filing cabinetry are we boy? Having a slice of ladycake where you get paid is always a sticky wicket lad. Back when I played for Barnet, there was a tea lady in the cafe at Underhill Stadium. Let's just say she gave Old Stan a wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar in his cuppa... a real go'er in other words. After a team luncheon one day, I was going to ask her up the West End with me to the pictures. I'd just put down my bacon butty and was strolling over when the manager, Ted Crawford, grabbed me by the earhole and warned me off of any shenanigans. I steered clear, but the tea lady wasn't all too pleased with my sudden lack of interest. Couldn't get a proper cuppa for weeks. Went on the instant chicory coffee instead. Got the runs something awful... bloody Colombians. Good luck boy-o!
　
Hi Mr. Bentley,
I have to go to a potluck holiday dinner but have no idea what kind of dish to bring. Since I'm known amongst the guests as the resident Toronto FC nut, I thought I'd make something footy inspired. Any suggestions? Will - Maple, ON
　
Cheerio Willy! First of all, no need to call me Mr. Bentley - Sir will do fine. You’ve come to the right place chappie, Stan here is known as quite the gastronomic enthusiast and over the years has noted many standout dishes offered throughout the grounds of this great nation. Get your wife and/or secretary on one of these recipes right away... Being a winter party, you can't go wrong with lovely cup of bone-warming Bovril Mixture. That lovely brown libation goes down a treat on the terraces and would be the hit of any party! If you want to go a bit more up-market then I've got two words for you - seafood. Trot down to your fishmonger and go for jellied eels, some cockles & mussels or a lovely tin of smoked kippers. Stan starts off most mornings with a lovely dose of kippers. "Sausage of the Sea" they are. Empty tin of those on your nightstand will get the wife and/or secretary up and into the kitchen. Salutations!
　
Hi Stan,
I've got a problem. I'm getting married next summer and my fiancée has chosen a date right in the middle of the Euro 2012 tournament in Poland & Ukraine. How can I gently persuade her to move it? Rocco - Hamilton, ON
　
You are in quite the muddle aren't you pal? My first reaction is that weddings come and go but the Pan-European Footballing Championships only happen every four years. A real non-starter honestly. However, I think you may be mistaken... the Ukraine? Surely the tournament can't take place in the Soviet breadbasket! Are you sure that's not the East European Tractor Championships Rocco? If it is indeed being held in that wheat-filled gulag then your problems are solved. Just schedule your nuptials during the USSR vs. East Germany match. Khrushchev will never let the GDR leave with a win and either way, the television pictures won't be beamed over the Iron Curtain for days. East Germany - terrible football team, but the Trabant is a neat little motor. Congrats to you and your lovely wife-to-be.
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Sweet and sour pork with a side of chips"



Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

　
Hi Stan,
My wife has a bad habit of making big decisions around our home without consulting me first. How can I get her to change this?
Rick - Dundas, ON
　
Well Richard, me old duck, a strong partnership with good open communication is a hard thing to come by, believe me! I had a lovely partnership with striker Sammy Chung at Watford. Funny little bloke he was... Half-Chinese and Half-an-Englishman... who ever heard of such a thing?! Great right foot though. We combined for 5 goals one night against Blackpool - magic stuff. Sammy had me over to his place for some grub after that one - never forget it. We had sweet and sour pork with a side of chips! Now that's a partnership that works! Glad to help.
　
Hello Mr. Bentley,
I'm a TFC season ticket holder and a huge footy fan. I want to get my 5-year old son interested in the sport but he doesn't seem too keen - what can I do to get him involved? Kevin - Brampton, ON
　
First of all Kevin, if you're this lad's father, he should do what you say. Children should be seen, not heard. Man up, boy! My dear old Pa gave me and my brothers a choice: work on our football, join the army or get down the mines before our 12th birthday. Did us no harm - look where I am today! Same goes for my brothers Colonel Roy Bentley and wee Frankie "Black Lung" Bentley... God rest his soul. Kids are people too! Make them work.
　
Hi there Stan,
I recently broke-up with my girlfriend and now can't help think that I may have lost "the one". How do I get over it? JR - Toronto, ON
　
Well "JR" (what you are junior of I don't know), Old Stan lives by one iron-clad rule... NO REGRETS! Don’t look back lad, look forward to new adventures. If this relationship was "the one" it wouldn't have turned into an old worn boot. A bit like my best pair of football boots. My dear Ma bought them for me when I was on trial at Barnsley. They were a perfect fit for me. We went everywhere together, it's like they understood my every move. I had the best times of my life with them... I loved those old boots... should have never given them up. Oh, how I regret that. All the best Junior.
　
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A bit of an old exhibition"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"　

　
Hello Stan,
I'm the captain of a struggling house league soccer team and we need your help! Our starts are awful, can you tell us how you prepared for a match? Love your column! Nick - Oakville, ON
　
Soccer? I didn't see a French or Yank postage stamp on this letter... but I assume you mean football, boy. Already down 1-0 Nicholas - but all hopes are not dashed. Best pre-match preparation Old Stan ever did was during my glorious time at Crewe Alexandra. Half an hour before a match I'd lift 5 Foot 4 forward Bert Llewellyn on my shoulders and we'd sprint down to the local bakeshop. After stopping to throw some rocks at local ne'er-do-wells, me and wee Bert would buy a box of meat pies and munch on them on the sprint back to Gresty Road. Meat pies... Jewel of the North. Love a bit of an old Melton Mowbray to this day - they've got gelatin inside! Made from ground up animal bones, you know! Best of luck at your... soccer.
　
Mr. Bentley,
My wife and I recently went on vacation with a couple who were very "open" in public. I wasn't too keen on it really - how do you feel about exhibitionism? David - Rochester, NY
　
See here David, you are being quite the old stick in the mud aren't you? What's wrong with a bit of an old exhibition? Why you'll find Stan every spring at The Royal Gentleman's Belt and Suspender Exhibition at the Crystal Palace. All of the latest advances in masculine trouser fastening are made very "open" to the public! Why would anyone be weary of such a genteel day out? Bought myself a belt made from swordfish once - talk about looking "sharp"! Have fun laddie!
　
Hi Stan,
Now that TFC's season is done I'm back to watching hockey. Problem is, when I visit the in-laws they never have the game on. Is there a polite way of putting it on? Go Leafs Go! Gus - Oshawa, ON
　
I am utterly confused - where exactly are your leaves headed? (By the way lad, your Queen's grammar needs some work) Run-ins with the in-laws is nothing to be sneered at me old China, but surely your father-in-law, being from the male race, would understand the importance of listening to a big match on the wireless. Why you would be getting so worked up about Field Hockey though is beyond me. Dandys faffing about on a lawn with table legs wearing short pants. It is a rather popular sport on the Indian sub-continent though. Then again, they are fond of Bengal Tigers down that way as well - they'll eat your face faster than a Geordie on a Mars Bar. Best of luck removing your leaves!
　
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Lovely bit of pancake"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

　
　
Dear Mr. Bentley,
I am a bit worried about my finances and investments. What are your views on the European Debt Crisis? Wondering if I should diversify. Thanks for your help. Edward - Stouffville, ON
　
Well, well questions of international finance are quite the dill pickle aren't they chappie? Old Stan is no stranger with European markets you know! Played a friendly in Holland against De Graaf-something-or-other when I was with Oldham Athletic. Wanted to go out for a post-match booze-up but stubborn player-manager George Hardwick said we'd only be paid in Dutch Guilders. I said "I'm not using this Continental funny money" and stormed out. Only place that would take my shillings was a coffee house in the red-light district. Lovely bit of pancake, can't remember much else. Keep your chin up moneybags!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm cooking my first meal for my new girlfriend and I'd like to make it something really special. You seem to know a bit about the ladies, does a risotto and some chardonnay sound good? Dean - Peterborough, ON
　
What's this lad? Rossetti on Chateux-what? Sorry, old Stan doesn't watch French League football too often - too much faffin' about. I got pissed with Peter Bonetti off of Chelsea once if that's what you meant. As far as this meal goes... first of all you got your words mixed up - it said YOU were cooking for your lady. Obviously that's not right - so, I recommend telling your new fancy piece to cook you up a nice meat pie and slice you up some oranges for when you're halfway through the night. Finish it off with a brandy and a sugary tea. That should keep you limber for a full 90. Here's to the fairer sex.
　
Hello Stan,
My best friend and I had a stupid argument that has spiralled out of control. I say Torsten Frings is TFC's best player while he says Danny Koevermans - can you settle it for us? Frankie - Brampton, ON
　
Never good to have a spot of bother with a mate, Franklin. Still haven't forgiven Brentford's Gerry Cakebread for breaking my best shaving mug. Don't care if he did score 20 goals in the FA Cup. You can only really trust man's best friend... dogs. My Alsatian for instance, Douglas, now that is a mate. Yes he smells a wee bit eggy but no bother. Dogs... bloody marvellous creatures. Soviets sent one up into space you know. Lada or something. Can't speak for you Franklin, but I don't know of too many other cosmonauts knocking about! (Looking at you Gerry Cakebread) Glad I could settle things for you boys.
　
　
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"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Salacious mojo malarkey"



Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most trusted voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
　
Dear Stanley,
　
I have been married to my wife now for seven great years but I'm suddenly haunted with the fear that she may me cheating on me. Should I approach her with my worry? I'm at a loss - what do you think? Thanks. - Neil, Pickering ON
　
I say, Neil old lad, you watch where you throw those labels around! Branding one a cheater, a charlatan or a rogue can open up quite the proverbial worm-can. I remember being on a tour of Malta with Huddersfield Town back in 1954, me and useful poacher Terry Cavanagh ended up playing cards in a Valletta gambling emporium one night. Suddenly this one swarthy, fat Malteser bloke starts yelling at a skinny foreign lad about cheating and before you knew it - chopped his thumb right off! That digit flew across the room and landed in some old boy's soup. Put me off Minestrone for ages... and sausages for that matter. Hope that helped lad.
　
　
Hey Stan,
Going through a rough patch in the bedroom department at the moment - just can't seem to get my mojo going like it used to. Ever happen to you? - Nick, Vaughan ON
　
First of all boy, one starts a proper correspondence with "hello", "salutations" or in a stretch "cheerio". I say "hey" to my dog. Wonderful Alsatian named Douglas, great canine - smells a bit like egg. This bedroom rough patch you talk so eloquently of - I assume you mean you are having difficulty with some type of renovations? Argyle wallpaper I say, or in a pinch a nice pine siding - a bit like the dressing rooms at Derby County's Baseball Ground. If you, for some reason, meant anything more salacious with this "mojo" malarkey... then do some deep knee bends and buy some medicated balm. Cheerio!
　
　
Stan,
Trying to get a jump on Christmas shopping this year. Can't decide whether to buy my girlfriend Toronto FC season tickets or something a bit more romantic. What would you recommend? Cheers - Aaron, Toronto ON

Oh lad - a lady at the football? You are the jovial prankster aren't you? Well done chap, you gave me a chuckle. First of all, Christmas isn't supposed to just be about gifts - it is a remembrance of a far greater gift. On that cold winter's night, wise men gathered under a star to witness a miracle... me slotting a 89th minute winner past Doncaster Rovers' keeper Harry Gregg in the FA Cup 2nd Round. King of kings! As far as your bird goes, you can never go wrong with saltine crackers or an iron - if you really want to push the boat out, I saw a replica 1990 England Chris Waddle shirt in the High Street. Magical ball skills - hair like a wet peacock. Glad to help.

　
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