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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
Dear Stan,
I'm very attracted to a woman who I work with and get the feeling she feels the same. My office has a strict policy against co-workers dating but I really want to ask her out. What do you think of workplace romances? Thanks, Steve - Etobicoke, ON
Getting a little amorous between the filing cabinetry are we boy? Having a slice of ladycake where you get paid is always a sticky wicket lad. Back when I played for Barnet, there was a tea lady in the cafe at Underhill Stadium. Let's just say she gave Old Stan a wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar in his cuppa... a real go'er in other words. After a team luncheon one day, I was going to ask her up the West End with me to the pictures. I'd just put down my bacon butty and was strolling over when the manager, Ted Crawford, grabbed me by the earhole and warned me off of any shenanigans. I steered clear, but the tea lady wasn't all too pleased with my sudden lack of interest. Couldn't get a proper cuppa for weeks. Went on the instant chicory coffee instead. Got the runs something awful... bloody Colombians. Good luck boy-o!
Hi Mr. Bentley,
I have to go to a potluck holiday dinner but have no idea what kind of dish to bring. Since I'm known amongst the guests as the resident Toronto FC nut, I thought I'd make something footy inspired. Any suggestions? Will - Maple, ON
Cheerio Willy! First of all, no need to call me Mr. Bentley - Sir will do fine. You’ve come to the right place chappie, Stan here is known as quite the gastronomic enthusiast and over the years has noted many standout dishes offered throughout the grounds of this great nation. Get your wife and/or secretary on one of these recipes right away... Being a winter party, you can't go wrong with lovely cup of bone-warming Bovril Mixture. That lovely brown libation goes down a treat on the terraces and would be the hit of any party! If you want to go a bit more up-market then I've got two words for you - seafood. Trot down to your fishmonger and go for jellied eels, some cockles & mussels or a lovely tin of smoked kippers. Stan starts off most mornings with a lovely dose of kippers. "Sausage of the Sea" they are. Empty tin of those on your nightstand will get the wife and/or secretary up and into the kitchen. Salutations!
Hi Stan,
I've got a problem. I'm getting married next summer and my fiancée has chosen a date right in the middle of the Euro 2012 tournament in Poland & Ukraine. How can I gently persuade her to move it? Rocco - Hamilton, ON
You are in quite the muddle aren't you pal? My first reaction is that weddings come and go but the Pan-European Footballing Championships only happen every four years. A real non-starter honestly. However, I think you may be mistaken... the Ukraine? Surely the tournament can't take place in the Soviet breadbasket! Are you sure that's not the East European Tractor Championships Rocco? If it is indeed being held in that wheat-filled gulag then your problems are solved. Just schedule your nuptials during the USSR vs. East Germany match. Khrushchev will never let the GDR leave with a win and either way, the television pictures won't be beamed over the Iron Curtain for days. East Germany - terrible football team, but the Trabant is a neat little motor. Congrats to you and your lovely wife-to-be.
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue


  1. Dear Stan,
    I am realling enjoying FIFA 12, but I find it damn near impossible to adjust from Semi-Pro diffuculty to Professional difficulty. I can't seem to defend that well in Professional difficulty and it's really hard for me to get a shot on goal. What kind of expertese would you give for this situation?
    -Michael, Oakville, ON

  2. Thanks Michael, we will forward your question to Stan immediately. Of course that means it will go out on the next gyrocopter for Gander where it will be lifted by carrier pigeon to an awaiting coal barge destined for Cork. From there it will be taken by Postal Donkey to the Irish Sea and make the Holyhead crossing to England. Look out for your answer soon!