AFTER 90: Reds mow Real Esteli in turf war

TFC's ankles - Lest We Forget



IN THE TUNNEL:
With Real Esteli nabbing that crucial away goal at BMO Field, "The Train of The North" have everything to play for tonight in rural Nicaragua. A reportedly horrendous pitch, a zoo-like atmosphere in the stands and ziplock bags full of humanity's worst await our boys in red as they aim for the CONCACAF Champions League Group Stage. Tape up your ankles... it's off to Estadio Independencia
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - The Texas Rangers tied the Detroit Tigers 5-5. Thanks Rogers Sportsnet... you are a disgrace to Canadian football. Oh and since you don't understand that... I mean soccer... Ahoy piracy!....
5' - The Nicaraguan pitch looks like the Jolly Green Giant's nether regions. Crass? Yes. Am I still seething at Sportsnet One? Absolutely.
10' - TFC with no link play to speak of, possibly due to actual molehills on pitch
17' - Hard-tackling hardman Richard Eckersley flourishing in lawless Central America
22' - Watching this match via internet feed is like playing a crappy Nicaraguan version of SimCity... with worse officiating
27' - Ball skips through the Real Esteli 6 yard box with Ryan Johnson and Javier Martina both whiffing on the play. That was a baseball reference Sportsnet
30'- Andy Iro and Danleigh Borman miss their marker and Rudel Calero misses putting Real Esteli up by mere inches. Too close.
33' - SUB: Matt Stinson in for Javier Martina for unknown reasons
35' - Nicaraguan Ronaldinho - Rudel Calero - looking far too dangerous... and dreadlocked
37' - GOAL: Out of nothing, Ryan Johnson turns and left foots a volley that flies past Esteli's keeper. A gorgeous blast at a moment where TFC looked vulnerable
REAL ESTELI 0 - TORONTO FC 1 (1-3 AGGREGATE)
42' - The once rocking Estadio Independencia has been silenced by TFC's goal
45'+ - PENALTY: Andy Iro gets dubiously called for a handball by the Honduran referee - calmly taken by Manuel Rosas and GOAL
REAL ESTELI 1 - TORONTO FC 1 (2-3 AGGREGATE)
45'+ - Crowd no longer silent as "referee" blows... for halftime
　
HALFTIME: REAL ESTELI 1 - TORONTO FC 1 (AGGREGATE 2-3)
　
47' - GOAL: Absolutely best possible start for TFC as burgeoning Reds legend Ryan Johnson picks up a loose ball and buries it in the Real Esteli goal
REAL ESTELI 1 - TORONTO FC 2 (AGGREGATE 2-4)
52' - YELLOW CARD: Captain Torsten Frings warned for some imagined infringement by the Honduran Minister of Justice
56' - If it ends like this, the King of Nicaragua who bestowed the "Real" name on Esteli will be so pissed!
58' - SUB: Ashtone Morgan's defence brought in for Man of the Match candidate Ryan Johnson who won't get his hat trick tonight but will save an ankle
61' - YELLOW CARD: Surprise! Another card for Los Gringos - this time Terry Dunfield. Possibly for blasphemy.
65' - Chances are high that a mythical beast lives under the ridiculous Esteli pitch. Possibly a chupacabra-type beast. Likely with a wispy moustachio.
70' - SUB: In a move against all expectation Danny Koevermans comes in to add a target man replacing Danleigh Borman
75' - Kocic forced to make first major open play save of the half. Solid.
80' - Nice of Real Esteli's manager Otoniel Olivas to wear his dress denims for the big match. I think they are Karl Kani's
85' - Joao Plata's mud covered kit makes him look like an 8-year old who has been bullied by The Gooch
90'+ - The match peters out despite the best efforts of the referee to change the result and Toronto FC heads to Champions League proper. Their leg joints... not so much
　
FULL TIME: REAL ESTELI 1 - TORONTO FC 2
AGGREGATE 2-4
　
IN THE BATHS:
They had to survive a pitch that would give a cow a stomach ache, a referee who was a Canadianist and craters that ate ankles like the Sarlacc Pit but Toronto FC survived a bizarre two-leg tie to advance in CONCACAF Champions League. In the end, the 4-2 aggregate was complimentary to an overmatched Real Esteli whose two goals were down to a Milos Kocic error and a dubious penalty call tonight making Toronto FC the rightful owners of a place in Group C. With ankles firmly wrapped, TFC can now look forward to matches with Mexican powerhouse Pumas, Panama's TFC - Tauro FC and most likely our old Texan pal FC Dallas. Real Esteli can look forward to buying a lawnmower. A place in the CCL Group Stage was one of the minor goals that supporters had set for TFC this season and kudos have to be given even if the road was a little bumpy.
　
Oh, and in case we didn't mention it - Rogers Sportsnet crapped the bed spectacularly tonight.
AGGREGATE: SPORTSNET ONE - INTERNET 2
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Andy Iro 5.5 / Doneil Henry 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Terry Dunfield 6 / Torsten Frings 6.5 / Peri Marosevic 6 / Javier Martina 5 (Matt Stinson 5.5 ) / Ryan Johnson 7.5 (Ashtone Morgan 6 ) / Joao Plata 6.5
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Ryan Johnson
TALKING POINT: TFC (CAN) VS. TFC (PAN) - will this open a rift in the time/space continuum? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Where ankles fear to tread

CONCACAF give Estadio Independencia's pitch the thumbs up



REAL ESTELI VS. TORONTO
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - PRELIMINARY - 2ND LEG
AGGREGATE 1-2
　
ESTADIO INDEPENDENCIA - TUESDAY 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will The Reds bunker down and protect their 1 goal advantage or do they try to exert their 1st Leg dominance and go for the away goal?
- Can TFC's ever-rotating backline show the quality to keep Real Esteli off the scoresheet at home?
- How will Toronto's European-bred players react to the substandard facilities and fan peculiarities found in deep Central America?
- Does Real Esteli have the quality to beat Toronto or was the 2-1 1st Leg scoreline complimentary to the Nicaraguan side?
- Is there a Dutch word for urine-filled ziplock bag?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Diablo para Ankle Bone"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
REAL ESTELI: Rudel Calero, Francisco Lopez, Manuel Rosas
TORONTO: Stefan Frei, Andy Iro, Ryan Johnson
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC acquiring expensive ankle insurance pre-match: 2-1
- Torsten Frings, veteran of many UEFA Champions League tournaments, wondering if "Champions League" has a different, more torturous, meaning in English: 10-1
- Referee seen leaving the stadium in mink-lined replica kit and gold-plated Nicaraguan Cadillac: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- TFC attackers have been told to use caution when patrolling the wings as a family of eight live in one of the craters that make up the Estadio Inependencia pitch
- The "Real" in Esteli's name, usually a moniker of royal association, was actually bestowed upon them by a 1987 touring "Prince" impersonator named Ernesto. Interestingly, his cover of "Purple Rain" was # 1 in the Nicaraguan charts for 5 weeks straight
- Esteli, Nicaragua's third largest city, is a fast-growing metropolis of nearly 120,000... including 9000 burros dressed as people for "fotografia" purposes. Local citizens are called Estellegettys and the main exports include uprisings, wispy moustaches and menacing knuckle-cracking
　
THE WAGER: 1-1 Draw (2011: 18-12 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "TFC ESCAPES NICARAGUA - ANKLE BONES TO RETURN ON LATER FLIGHT"

THE STARTING 11: Nicknames for Real Esteli's Estadio Independencia

Wait, even the Nicaraguans have a roof?



One of the great joys of CONCACAF Champions League is the opportunity to tour some of the stadiums of Central America. If the "always fair and balanced" officiating wasn't enough to contend with, clubs of TFC's ilk have to be introduced to "exuberant" fans, pitches that resemble the surface of the moon and projectiles filled with all types of joyful human gifts. Of course, even in Central America stadiums inevitably end up with nicknames. While BMO Field is affectionately called "That Roofless Scaffolding with $10 Beer", Real Esteli's Estadio Independencia has a few names of its own...
　
11. "Home of The Wispy Moustache"
　
10. "The Gringo Triangle"
　
9. "El Tilted Pitch"
　
8. "The Stadium of No Lights"
　
7. "El Banco para Referees"
　
6. "Dead Bull Arena"
　
5. "El Stadio Grandos Crater"
　
4. "The House that the Sandinistas Built"
　
3. "The Train Station of the North"
　
2. "El Urino Ziplocko"
　
1. "The Ankle Graveyard"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: TFC v Real Esteli... Or Something To Live For

Toronto has had this unlikeable habit of playing for a few minutes, digging a giant hole then trying to claw out of said hole. While Sporting KC Lisbon Wizard Comets was an amusing exercise in drama, it's preferred to just play the whole game properly.

Real Estelí has nothing to lose here. A good result should knock out beloved Robins from Champions League glories this time next week.

Predictions : three call 2-1 for Toronto, another for 3-0 Toronto and a 1-1 draw.

5 - Johnson takes a cross from Morgan heading onto goal.

7 - Koevermans does a Superman impression and heads over the bar.

11 - Ball breaks down the left and Soolsma... Sorry, I was thinking about cats...

23 - Ummmm, back and forth blah blah blah...

32 - Frings is running back to clean up defensive messes in successive games. Santos, take some notes before you leave...

34 - Soolsma somehow turns two defenders and just shoots wide. That move dedicated to Suarez, who's drinking milk from his saucer at home.

35 - Johnson takes a Soolsma cross and it finds the head of Johnson and parried it over the bar by the Estelí keeper.

38 - Big cross has Zavarise leaping to kung fu the ball wide of net.

44 - Johnson turns his mark around for a low quick cross to Soolsma who pokes too early... Probably thinking about cats again.

45 - YELLOW - Zavarise for a slightly clumsy knock.

HALF TIME MOOD : optimistic with a chance of promise

49 - SUB - Zavarise out for Plata. Zavarise not content with that decision.

52 - Plata's first touch deceptively curves towards goal from way out prompting a leaping save.

56 - GOAL - Would've liked to watch it live (idiot flags) but the big screen replay shows that Plata turns a defender out and pokes it past short side. Winter made a good call there Zavarise...

64 - Johnson takes a big cross and heads it at goal. Easy save made to look difficult.

67 - Morgan has a 35 yard attempt heading towards the top right of goal gets pushed over. Crazy attempt but well taken.

71 - Stinson gets bulldog'd to the ground and someone for Esteli gets a booking which leads to...

72 - GOAL - ¡GRANDE PIQUEÑO! Plata strokes a ball over the wall and past a diving keeper. Magnificent!

72 - SUB - Stinson makes way for deGoo.

75 - YELLOW - Frings goes into the book for a tackle that was no ball and all calves.

77 - SUB - Martina comes in for Johnson who gets a well earned round of applause for an exciting outing.

79 - GOAL - Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Kocic comes out for a ball on the right, and while sliding to protect the ball, it squirts out from under him and David Martinez picks up the loose ball and rolls it into the open net. Oh Milos, what a howler...

4 mins of Extra Time

90+3 - Plata going for the hat trick at 25 yards out put it towards the food building.

FULL TIME : Toronto FC 2, Real Esteli 1

Man of the Match : Plata for the brace
Goat of the Game : Kocic for the disgrace
Ref Rating : 3 out of 5. Should've been worse...

Team Ratings : Kocic 5, Eckersley 7, Henry 6.5, Iro 6.5, Morgan 6, Frings (C) 6.5, Stinson 6 [deGoo N/A], Johnson 7 [Martina N/A], Soolsma 6, Koevermans 6, Zavarise 6 [Plata 7.5]

Johnson is an early candidate for "deal of the year" as he was all over the 18 yard box... Surprisingly, there was less play-acting than expected, but still enough... Soolsma, cats notwithstanding, played a good game, certainly one of his better ones... Trying to wrap my head around whether TFC was really on tonight or just simply a better class above them... The flags were extra annoying tonight, regardless if they're allowed, they shouldn't be when a goal hasn't been scored yet... Maicon Santos didn't dress tonight which leads me to believe Preki is on speed dial in case he lands in Montreal... And Maicon Santos should be on the outs after the embarrassing attitude displayed at SKCLWC.

THE MATCHUP: Choo-Choo-Champions League

Aye! Aye! Aye! El Tren del Norte!

TORONTO FC VS. REAL ESTELI FC
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - PRELIMINARY - 1ST LEG
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SETANTA
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will we see TFC pour all of 2011's remaining energy into the only competition they have a realistic shot at success in?
- Can The Reds go for the jugular in the 1st Leg to avoid playing the likes of Frings and Koevermans in Nicaragua?
- With Dan Gargan (the likeable yet overpriced at 70K defender) released yesterday, will any new moves be made to add depth to the paper thin back line?
- Can the remaining "Preki" players Ty Harden and Maicon Santos survive the cull before kick-off?
- Will Real Esteli's nickname "El Tren del Norte" (Train of The North) make TFC choose the new nickname "The Hatchback of Ontario"?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Nicorette"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Ryan Johnson, Joao Plata, Eddy Viator
REAL ESTELI: Rudel Calero, Manuel Rosas, Samuel Wilson
　
THE ODDS:
- By airing the match on Setanta - ratings soar into single digits: 5-1
- MLSE trying to sell tickets by cold-calling people and saying "Real are coming to play in Toronto!": 10-1
- This match finally being "the first day of the rest of our lives": 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Unlike their Spanish (and Utah) counterparts, the "Real" in Esteli's name is actually the English meaning and is used to verify them against their Guatemalan arch-rivals False Esteli FC
- In an attempt to popularize the CCL amongst less knowledgeable Toronto fans, MLSE considered the promotional tag "It's like Barca v United... except with no one you've ever heard of!"
- A special halftime competition is in place to help sell tickets. The winner will get a 3-night trip to Nicaragua! The loser gets a 5-night trip to Nicaragua.
　
THE WAGER: 2-1 Toronto FC (2011: 17-11 with 5 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "MAYOR FORD CLAIMS 'TRAIN OF THE NORTH' FULL OF NICARAGUAN GRAVY"