THE MATCHUP: The Ghost of BMO Future

"Arrrr-goooo... I mean Paaaa-triooooots!"

 

NEW ENGLAND VS. TORONTO

 

GILLETTE STADIUM - SUNDAY 7:30PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET 360 (The Artist formerly known as The Score)

THE KICKABOUT:

We didn't really want to bang on more about the "Argos to BMO Field" rumblings that have re-animated recently - like the zombie issue it is - but this fixture is just too appropriate.

 

If in their "wisdom", MLSE enters into any kind of deal with the gridiron devil and tries to tell you that TFC and the Argos can live side-by-side, take a gander at New England Revolution. They are a "sakker team" that doesn't so much share a multi-use stadium but rather occasionally squat in a NFL stadium. While Gillette Stadium ("The Blurst a Man Can Get") is a behemoth that BMO will never be - a plastic pitch adorned with scrubbed yet visible gridiron lines, awful sightlines and an empty stadium, apart from a tiny handful of hardcore supporters and assembled sakker parents accompanying kids' teams, is more than possible for a CFL-reconstructed BMO of the future. Not that MLSE in their "Roma will be a sell-out!!" knowledge would admit it.

 

On the pitch, this one has all the hallmarks of an uggo fixture. The Revs will try to extend their 2-match winning streak while the yet-to-be reinforced-with-any-real-signings Reds (sorry Uncle Elmer and Cousin Rey) will try to escape with everyone's ACL intact. The Revs sit in a surprisingly lofty 5th in the East while TFC sits in waiting for 2014.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Tea Eff Cee Party"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

NEW ENGLAND: Diego Fagundez, Andrew Farrell, Jose Goncalves

TORONTO: Bobby Convey, Matias Laba, Jonathan Osorio

THE ODDS:

- TFC "pahkin' tha bus in Harvahd Yahd": 10-1

- Match being a "wicked piss-ah": 5-1

- TFC playing "hahf-ahst": 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

While the thousands upon thousands of empty seats at every Revs' home fixture are the butt of many a MLS joke, TFC management need not worry about the possibility of the same occurring at BMO Field and effecting finances. In fact, Gillette Stadium officials have found a way of maximizing revenue by renting out whole sections to other organizations during Rev's matches.

Taking a look at Sunday's stadium schedule, the following sections will be out of bounds for soccer fans:

SECTION(S) 312-314: "Irish-American Bare-Knuckle Boxing Regionals"

SECTION 139: A giant vat of clam chowder being prepared

SECTION(S) 334-337: The Foxborough Community Theatre Players presents: "Our (Wicked Awesome) Town"

SECTION 124: Emergency extended-Wahlberg housing

SECTION 218: "Make fun of pansy-assed soccer"

SECTION(S) 324-328: Open-air screening of "Good Will Hunting"

SECTION 215: Casey Affleck autograph session

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS WICKED AWFUL"


And... since it's Friday... here's our best Boston accent...



Elmer - The Safety Signing

 "Out of my way! I'm off to play with Diego Forlan!"

 

After weeks of searching, TFC finally got their man! Okay, maybe not "their man" but TFC got "a man". When The Reds' scouting department was told to search high and low they really took it literally and plumbed the depths of Switzerland's 2nd Division finding left back Jonas Elmer.

After regaling supporters with wondrous tales of 4-5 major signings including the possibility of 2 DP's, TFC has instead made yet another depth signing. While there is nothing wrong with depth (although using so many international slots on them is peculiar) this latest move will be met by suffering supporters with another resounding "... meh."

The 25-year old Elmer (Safety Elephant, Fudd or glue to be determined) has spent the lion's share (or mountain goat… whatevs) of his career traversing the Swiss lower divisions including 21 appearances in 2013 for his most recent club FC Winterthur. For some reason, Canadian TV chooses to ignore the Swiss Challenge League (what gives, racialists?) so few around these parts know what to expect from Elmer. Obviously Nelsen & Co. are feeling the pinch at LB since Darren O'Dea's departure and Ashtone Morgan's "Transfer to San Jose" performances this year but the move is a bit of an odd one.

The jury will long be out on the young Swiss but again, it is a signing that will do nothing to soothe the savage South Stand souls. Since the Laba signing, The woeful Reds have "built for the future" by adding an MLS journeyman, a Spanish Xerox machine, an Atlanta Silverback on loan and Miami Vice's "other guy" Philip Michael Thomas. Huzzah 2014!

 

Safe in the back

THE STARTING 11: Argos to BMO BoGo!

"Come back tomorrow as Toronto FC host Columbus..." 

 

Editor's Note: The suddenly resurgent "Argonauts to BMO Field" story divides Toronto FC fans into two groups. The cynics who think that it is inevitable (Hi everybody!) and those who think it simply won't happen, or if it does - no big deal. Good morning to you there in Accounts Payable at a certain "major league" franchise. Wink.

 

To address both groups, your usual Monday morning dose of frivolity will be Buy One Get One Free today. After jumping in our IKEA ball pit of idiocy, we urge you to read Kurt Larson's article in today's Toronto Sun for some more clarity on the issue.

 

 

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of the Argos moving to BMO Field (Pessimists Remix)

 "What me worry?"

 

If it squawks like a hawk and is walked to midfield by a bored looking man like a hawk... it's probably a hawk. When Tim Leiweke and CFL Fetishist/ "Mayor" Rob Ford both suddenly started talking about stadiums within the same 20 minute period last week our ears pricked up. When local newspapers started talking about an Argos to BMO resurrection, the ears pricked higher. When Toronto Councilor Mark Grimes started ignorantly yapping about the need to move the Argos to BMO... prick. Both meanings. We are clear here at The Yorkies on our feelings... the day we are asked to watch football on CFL gridiron lines is the day we leave and don't come back. Apart from the absence of many, many "day one" supporters, what are other side effects of a CFL stadium share?

 

11. It will destroy TFC

 

10. It will destroy TFC

 

9. It will destroy TFC

 

8. It will destroy TFC

 

7. It will destroy TFC

 

6. It will destroy TFC

 

5. It will destroy TFC

 

4. It will destroy TFC

 

3. It will destroy TFC

 

2. It will destroy TFC

 

1. It will destroy TFC

 

 

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of the Argos moving to BMO ("It Won't Happen" Optimists EP)

Bo Knows Lambe

We know many of you equate our opinions on this issue somewhere between Bigfoot hunters and Globster aficionados. Fair enough - we truly hope you are right. We have heard the arguments: poured concrete, pitch issues, no city money available etc. Whatever. Next you'll tell us Loch Ness isn't real too. Anyhoo... there are some bright sides to the possible gridiron assault. Like so...

 

11. Maurice Edu will receive a financial windfall when TFC is forced to get refund on grass and reinstall turf

 

10. Just a few more adjustments and the Blue Jays can move in too!

 

9. Terrible TFC signings conveniently "lost" in giant field divots created by 300 lb. linebackers

 

8. Finally, Reggie Lambe gets a chance to become the"MLS/CFL Bo Jackson"

 

7. MLSE management gets a shot at an Academy Award for their role as "unwitting victim of circumstance despite reaping financial rewards of added home dates"

 

6. The exciting Buffalo Bills vs. Toronto FC Series

 

5. Handy replacement as Bob O'Billovich succeeds Ryan Nelsen

 

4. The move would bring the Argos slightly closer to the geographic base of their support... Barrie, Ontario

 

3. Argos fans can survive the inevitable monsoon rainstorms by breathing through their plastic blowhorns

 

2. TFC night fixtures go "green" as Pinball Clemons' teeth used to light the stadium

 

1. Rob Ford vs. David Miller Foxy Boxing

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Columbus... or Welcome to Trilliumania XVIII

If you can channel WWE/F commentator Jim Ross, it'll make for an easier read.

We are LIVE at BMO Field with a "capacity crowd of nearly 23000" in attendance, in sunny Toronto, Ontario, Canada where a new world heavyweight champion will be crowned.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the past year, we here in the federation have been embroiled between two warring factions where everyone has aligned themselves with one side or the other. On one hand, you have the Bumble Bee Barbers, as indicated by their yellow and black uniforms and shaving cream sponsorship, who have been the more successful of the two in the last 12 months. On the other hand there's the Red Profiteers, who have done little to show signs of progress over the same time frame.  The Profiteers, managed by Bushwacker Ryan, who is managed by The Paynemaker, who is managed by The Man They Call Tim, have made announcement after announcement that there will be new signings to their faction.  The Rock, CM Punk and Kane have long been associated with The Profiteers, but nobody ever shows up.  Where title changes matter, it’s all here, LIVE, at Trilliumania XVIII

Onto the show!

Opening Match
"Ginga Ninja" Eckersley v Josh Williams
Josh Williams nearly had the win until Eckersley was 'saved' by "Super Pickle" Joe Bendik and the two of them proceeded to beat down Williams.
Winner : Williams (DQ)

World Television Championship
“Homegrown” Ashtone Morgan (C) v Dom “Doom” Oduro
Defending champion Morgan spends much of the match in control, but his ego gets the best of him.  Out of nowhere, Oduro lays down a few chops, whips him into the rope and catches him with a missile dropkick to the jaw.  Early candidate for upset of the night.
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : Dom “Doom” Oduro

No Rules Hardcore Grudge Match
Will “Steel” Trapp & “Caesar” Augustin Viana v The Killer Bees (“Bee” Justin Braun & “Jumping Jeremy” Brockie)
Some spectacular action with number of weapons, but the match really changed when Viana was suplexed through the Spanish announcer's table, then rolled back into the ring for the cover.
Winner : The Killer Bees

Women’s Match
Rachael “Barretta” Bonetta v Ryan “Wendy” Richter
Midway through the card, everyone went to the washroom but got back in time to see the finish
Winner : Richter

Hair vs Hair Tag Match
Matias “El Gaucho Logo” Laba & Alvaro Rey “Mysterio Jr.” v Federico “Not Gonzalo” Higuain & “Luscious” Bernado Anor
A fast-paced lucha libre match, which you would think is racist since none of the competitors are from Mexico, but it’s not, because I have a friend who said it was OK (it’s a gag, work with me).  Lots of quick moves and high-flying.  Rey gets the hot tag and hits Higuain with a springboard huricanrana and clears the ring.  Upon a spectacular top rope plancha nailing Higuain at ringside, Anor catches Laba with his back to him, spins him around, kick to the midsection, and lands his Luscious Spinning Powerbomb.
Winners : Higuain & Anor

World Tag-Team Championship Match
Bobby “the Brain” Convey & “Medium Jon Studd” Osorio vs The Ohio Playaz (Danny O’Rourke & Matias “Dirty” Sanchez) (C)
Convey took much of the beating in this match.  For long periods of time, he was on the end of a vicious double-teaming at the hand of the Ohio Playaz.  It all looked to be over when the hit the Buckshot Buckeye, two-man sling-shot into the rope met with simultaneous superkicks but it took out the official too.  Just as the official had come to, Sanchez suplexes Covney, but a slow count allows Convey to kick out.  Convey ducks a clothesline and makes the hot tag to Osorio who clears house.  The good guys
WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Winner : Convey & Osorio

“Stone Cold” Steve Caldwell vs Andy “Atom” Gruenebaum
In a match that had everyone on their feet, Caldwell was about to hit his “Stunna’” on the well beaten Gruenebaum, only for the ref to be distracted by teammate Finlay, which led Gruenebaum to clock Caldwell with a steel post.  Roll him up for the easy pin.
Winner : Gruenebaum

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chad “The Law” Marshall (C) v WiedeMankind
Marshall controlled much of the match, really working on the right knee of WiedeMankind but resorted to some dirty tricks.  Marshall was given multiple warnings by the referee, the last of which was hanging on to the ropes too long trying to hyperextend.  Once the ref got in his face, Marshall was about to hit him, but WiedeMankind hooks his arm, then proceeded to take over, one bad knee and all, torrentially raining down blows on the champion.  The underdog and crowd favourite WiedeMankind then pulls out The Greatest Sock of the Modern Era and mandible claws Marshall until he passes out, then goes for the dramatic cover, 1, 2, 3!
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
Winner : WiedeMankind

As WiedeMankind was celebrating, a man in a ski mask carrying a steel chair comes charging into the ring, sneaks up behind WiedeMankind and just wraps it around his skull, sending him to the canvas.  What followed was a series of chair shots to the wounded knee of the downed newly crowned champ.

Once he was finished his brutal assault, he drops the chair, stands over WiedeMankind and starts waving his hand... in a... cheque signing motion?  He unmasks himself, OH MAH GAWD!  IT'S DERO!  DERO!  HE PICKS UP THE BELT WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE!  OH MAH GAWD!  WE'LL SEE YOU AT (Aron) WINTERSLAM!

Fade to black

No one is quite sure what got into @ignirtoq this time around, but it was a bad idea that spiraled out of control, as they tend to do at The Yorkies.  He is a wrestling mark, and has been known to take in high-level independent wrestling shows from time to time.  And he doesn't think Ryan Richter is a woman but was necessary to call him Wendy to complete a gag.

THE MATCHUP: Motley welcome Crew

Rumour: Tommy Lee to TFC as a goalpost

 

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN 2 (Afternoon deuce-light)

THE KICKABOUT:
No major changes, no goals in over five hours of play, no wins at home for well over a year. We do however have a middle-age man in casual dress slacks walking a largely uninterested bird to the midfield where they stand awkwardly for a couple of minutes while fans look away in uncomfortable embarrassment for all involved to the strains of AC/DC. Did we mention "Chinese Heritage Day"? Can you feel the passion?

Honestly, there is very little to say here (sorry Alvaro Rey... even with you) that most of you haven't heard for the meaty part of a decade. Columbus Crew, defeatless (we know) at BMO Field in nine visits brings their travelling yellow roadshow in a fixture we're supposed to get real worked up about. Apparently. A fake derby, for a fake cup under clouds of fake transfer rumourage. So pretty much like every TFC v Crew fixture since 2008. 

Paging Dr. Feelgood.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Same ones from the last two matches.
COLUMBUS: Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall, Tony Tchani

THE ODDS:
- Pretty much the same as 2007-2009: 2-1
- Pretty much the same as 2010-2012: 2-1
- Exactly like the rest of 2013: EVENS

 

WHO ARE YA?
This fixture has never been without controversy. Invading bus loads, religious urination, tased bro's, xenophobia and that dodgy Filet-O-Fish I ate at the McDonald's just off the interstate. This round is no different as news is just coming in from Canada Border Services that one of the three construction workers on Crew's badge has been detained at the border. Steve "Guy on the Left" Kaplowski is being held under Section 14 of the Canada Floral Protection Act. MLS officials have yet to rule whether Columbus can activate a reserve construction worker to complete their "world renowned" logo before the match.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TORONTO 0 - NIKKI SIXX"

Who-Rey?!

Xerex

He is a winger from Seville. Figaro. Figaro.

While this may not be the Spanish-speaking droid you were looking for, Toronto FC (former long-distance mistress of Diego Forlan) has signed 24-year old wide midfielder Alvaro Rey. The winger, whose name translates to "The King of Dudes Named Alvaro" has spent much of the summer on trial with The Reds but they unceremoniously let him go a few weeks ago. But now he's back! Why it's almost like he was the 7th best signing option but 1 through 6 fell through! Exciting times.

Rey has mostly toiled in the Spanish 2nd Division, and lower, most recently suffering back-to-back relegations with clubs Gimnastic and Xerex. And for those who were excited that TFC had actually bought a Spanish Xerox machine - we are sorry to bear bad tidings.

Rey's scoring record in the nether regions of Spanish football can best be described as "recorded". Unconfirmed scouting reports call him "The Andalusian Reggie Lambe" but as our subscription to "Segunda Division B Weekly" has run out, we will have to reserve judgement until we actually watch him lose with his new teammates.

You have to pity the young "King of Dudes Named Alvaro". He may feel the very unfair glare of BMO Field's great unwashed who have been force fed on a month's worth of generally overzealous Diego Forlan rumours only to be presented with the scraps off of Xerex's table. The palpable frustration may very well be vented upon his inevitable missed passes and errant shots on goal.

To paraphrase former QPR defender Ryan Nelsen: "Frightening".

Xerox

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Ryan Nelsen plans to "frighten" opponents

The Diego Forlan announcement.. IN 3D!!!

After his predecessor rolled out such tender chewy sound bites as "the best finisher in the modern era" and "like a son that needs a slap", you'd think that TFC manager Ryan Nelsen may choose his words more carefully. But alas, the increasingly agitated Kiwi let fly last week that once TFC got rid of those pesky salary cap issues (that apparently no other MLS club has ever encountered) there would be "a few frightened teams" in MLS. Uh-huh. We waited for a snort or knowing smirk hoping that Nelsen was doing his best "Count Floyd" from SCTV ("Ooooh scary!") - but no - he seemed to believe himself. So exactly how does Count Twowinula plan to "frighten" MLS rivals?

11. Will sneak into Away Dressing Room before matches and chant Mo Johnston's name three times into the mirror

10. Full TFC coaching staff to roam the sidelines dressed as sexy, brooding vampires

9. Changing his pre-season prediction of TFC to be a "Shining Light" into simply "The Shining"

8. Revealing that all this time Andrew Wiedeman was actually a creepy old Estonian orphan!

7. Bitchy the Hawk replaced by flying sharks

6. Kevin Payne will reveal his true identity: Mad Austrian scientist Dr. Kristoff Pain!

5. Unveiling the club's new loan signing "An American Werewolf from Loftus Road"

4. "THAT'S NOT BUTTY!!!"

3. Handing out white sheets with eye-holes so that supporters' "booooooooos" immediately turn into "BOO!'s"

2. The long-rumoured 3-4 new signings are actually a Human Centipede

1. We are told that "the phone call came from... inside BMO Field!!!"


And... truly the most frightening video you will see today...

Damn Lando Calrissian - you're a scary and casual sonofabithch!

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto S.S.R. vs New York... or The Will Of The People Will Not Break (but continue to bend unnaturally)

Today is glorious day for people's Republic of Torontonia. We will see the destruction of our foreign bourgeois oppressors, American Bulls. The evil capitalists will surely fall under the mighty fist of the Red Army. The struggle of the Torontonian peoples will see reward for their sacrifice.

Comrade Henry returns from banishment after elite system punished him with disrespectful "red" card for sacrificing himself for the good of the people. Cosmonaut Agbossoumonde is resting but is willing to fight, even if oppressors admonish him with "red" card of his own eventually.

Please rise for anthem of glorious Republic of Torontonia. 

On with the vanquishing of our foes:

3' - Comrade Josef Bendik makes a save worthy of the people's adulation as he prevents American Bull & French traitor Henri from scoring.  Josef Bendik is given Hero of Socialist Labour award.

12' - Bolshevik spies prevent a well constructed goal from the heart of the working class.  Convey slots a ball through to Morgan, who crosses and finds patriot Brockie, but corrupt bourgeois officiating denies the will of the people due to offside.

15' - Fearing that their cover may be revealed, the 'white' officiating correctly calls the illegal goal which Cahill propagated by standing in an offside position to head past Josef Bendik.

Half-Time Mood : Content that the communist system is for the good of its people and progress is made through hard work for the good of all.  Long live the People's Republic of Torontonia!

52' - Braun, for a brief moment of clarity, plays the ball to Laba who loses the foreign capitalists but not attempting to shoot, lays it off to Osorio who should have shot it first time, like an execution of a traitor, but loses his focus and the attempt was for naught.

73' - True red Eckersley breaks free from the shackles of imperialism and fires for the glory of the people, but is deflected by Holgersson, forcing New York keeper Robles to out-strech his greedy hand to prevent the inevitable victory of the proletariat.

88' - SUB - Lambe joins the war against the facists at the expense of Braun.

3 minutes of necessary time as orchestrated by the 'white' officials

Conclusion of the Struggle : Toronto 0, New York 0

Labourer of the Match : Most glorious award goes to Comrade Matvei Laba for tireless work against the class struggle.

Shame of the People : Justin Braun showed most difficulty in working as hard as the collective.  Sent to gulag for re-education (translation: Loaned to USL-Pro Harrisburg City)

Judgement of the Bolshevik Officiating : 4 out of 5.  Though clearly influenced by their capitalist greed and desire for power, they let the match play on and did not impose their will on the people.  The score may be generous, but this score is reflective of other facist officials in the league, rather than the qualified officials that we can only dream of.

Uniform Recognition : Our surefire winner was a Tranmere Rovers kit over in section 119, however leaving the ground, Greenock Morton kit was spotted.  Tough break for Tranmere, as we were sure that was it.

If I May Be So Bold To Impose My Suggestions On To Our Generalissimus : Braun is disgrace to whole proud nation.  His lack of inner strength and discipline might have seen him off sooner in the struggle against our foreign invaders.  Understanding that we are limited with the resources at hand, Wiedeman could not have fared much worse.

Player Rating Bendik 6.5, Eckersley 6, Caldwell 6, Henry 6, Morgan 6.5, Osorio 6.5, Hall 6, Laba 7, Convey6.5, Brockie 6, Braun 5.5 [Lambe Nyet]. 

Thanks to @RedWineRoz for the photo.

Comrade @ignirtoq just read A LOT about communism on Wikipedia, and though he's pro-union, he's not about to give up his life to work the fertile soils for the good of the republic. This gag was a culmination of our retro-kit soviet style from earlier this year and the Leiwike interview where he mentions about how the Red Army has shrunk.

THE MATCHUP: It's just beastly boys

Now that's three in the middle!

TORONTO VS. NEW YORK

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:
Toronto FC currently lacks the skills to pay any bills. However, rather than drone on about having to watch the same line-up that couldn't be arsed against Chivas USA (Good effort boys! Like LOLZ! OMG! Budweiser!) we will use our favourite musical trio from our opponent's Boroughs as today's muse.

Feeling guilty that you don't really want to go to BMO Field and sweat it out at K-Paynz Allocation Party? Don't... rhyme along with this tune (Press play here if you like parties) and feel better...

(YOU GOTTA) FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT (TO STAY HOME)

Kick it!

You got Reds tickets but you don't wanna go
You can't think of much worse than a day at "BMO!"
You only missed two matches because you had to work
But your seatmate preaches guilt like you're some kind of jerk

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

Try to sell your tickets but give away for free
To a cheap fanboy of Thierry Henry
Man, seven years of this just really stinks
It's nothing but expensive TORONTO LYNX (Busted!)

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

Won't want to leave the house to watch this situation
Just sign some damn players and shut up with allocation!
But you'll end up at BMO saying, "Where's the cheers?"
But don't worry Reds fans - just five more years!

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Rump Shaker"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC (snort): Joe Bendik, Matias Laba, Jonathan Osorio
NEW YORK: Tim Cahill, Fabian Espindola, Thierry Henry

THE ODDS:
- Last 10 minutes of match looking like ”Sabotage": 2-1
- "Skills to pay the Bills" new term for allocation money: 5-1
- Bitchy the Hawk replaced with "Brass Monkey": 10-1

WHO ARE YA?
You may think it's a stretch to have a whole Beastie Boys themed episode of The Matchup, but it's really not* (*it really is but we're bored of this season). In fact if you look through the band's discography you will see that their album titles reflect TFC's history quite aptly:
- LICENSED TO CAUSE ILLNESS
- PAUL MARINER'S BOUTIQUE
- CHECK YOU'RE RED (TFC Captain Transfer Window EP)
- SHRILL COMMUNICATION (BMO Field Promotions Team Remix)
- HELLO NASTY (Pre-Season Limited Edition)
- TO THE 5 YEAR PLANS
- LATE LOSS COMMITTEE PART TWO

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "NO SLEEP 'TIL FORLAN"


And... Since it's Friday and we need all the help we can get to get our bodies movin' for tomorrow...




ADAM YAUCH 1964 - 2012

AFTER 90: Up All Night To Get Crappy

Which one of you is Diego Forlan?

CHIVAS USA VS. TORONTO

THE STUBHUB CENTER

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - To poorly paraphrase French robots (feat. Pharrell): "We're up all night 'til 'bout 1; We're up all night to watch some; We're up all night for no fun; We're up all night to watch Chivas"... Disappointing albums/football predictions aside we're all set at that most hallowed of all ticket-tout-monikered football grounds.. The StubHub Center...

1' - Palpable excitement as nearly a full minivan worth of supporters are in attendance at "The Stub".

5' - Steven Caldwell must be pumped to wear the Toronto FC captain's armband. Nothing bad ever happens to TFC captains.

10' - Honestly guys, I'm really trying to think of things to write here.

11' - Wizzle Wazzle?

18' - Darel Russell gets the "L" tackled out of him by some guy named Bocanegra

25' - Like a son receiving a slap from Papa Mariner, ex-Red Eric Avila sees red for a hard tackle on "Tha Roy G." Russell. A very weak call but TFC now with a 70 minute advantage to drive us nuts with.

30' - The Goats looking dangerous since going down a man. Of course.

32' - Jeremy Brockie misses a sitter. Will still miss his energy when he buggers off back to the Wellington Boots or whatever they are. Phoenix Wellingtons?

42'- I may have nodded off there...

44' - YELLOW CARD: Gale Agbossoumonde for too many letters

45' - Halftime and a chance for Ryan Nelsen to serve up some warm New Zealand sheep's milk and let the team watch the last 10 minutes of "Marley & Me"

 

HALFTIME: CHIVAS USA 0 - TORONTO 0

 

SECOND HALF:

45' - Question... how can TFC be more underwhelming in the 2nd Half? Answer: SUB: Justin Braun in for Robert Earnshaw

52' - A reminder to fans... TFC has had a man advantage for nearly a half hour.

55' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Braun for being awesome.

59' - Only a big save by Joe "Big Pickle" Bendik stops 10 MAN Chivas from going up 1-0.

64' - Darel Russell the biggest offensive threat at the moment. That's about all you need to know about TFC's evening.

68' - SUB: Somewhat ironically after the above it's Kyle Bekker in for Darel Russell.

77' - Jonathan Osorio - the only thing worth paying to see on TFC at the moment.

79' - GOAL: Erick Torres eats Agbossoumonde alive and sees his shot deflect off of Steven Caldwell and bounce by Bendik. Hilariously bad.

CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO 0

85' - 11 Diego Forlans couldn't help this mess of a team.

90' - I wish a Ukrainian blog would buy me too.

90'+ - Just wow.

FULL TIME: CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5.5  / Richard Eckersley 5.5 / Gale Agbossoumonde 4.5 / Steven Caldwell 5 / Ashtone Morgan 4 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 5.5 / Darel Russell 6 (Kyle Bekker 5 ) / Bobby Convey 4.5 / Jeremy Brockie 5 / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Justin Braun 4.5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jeez. Jonathan Osorio? Sure.

THE BATH:

We have all sat through some truly awful football since 2007 - this one is truly a contender for rock bottom. 70 minutes of man advantage football against a team that is apparently the joke of the Western Conference and Toronto FC could barely manage to be bothered. A rudderless defence, an offence bereft of any ideas going forward and a seemingly obvious lack of character and spirit.

 

Yes we all know they are short-handed at the moment - supposedly aiming the magical allocation cannon at 5 to 30 new players who are arriving "imminently" but that was simply not good enough. No excuses, that was nothing short of a slap in the face to the fans/masochists that they have magically managed to hold on to for seven years.

 

Tomorrow we will hear platitudes of the wondrous fixes that are on their way but make no mistake - this team isn't one or two players away from anything. They need a massive transplant and it should start with a heart. Sadly, against all science, TFC has found a way to get worse.

 

 

And since we were up all night to get angry... here is the dance equivalent of TFC's performance tonight...