THE STARTING 11: Worst jobs at TFC

Not the parade Leiweke had in mind

 

Happy Labour Day you wacky labourers. On the day where we appreciate the value of the working man and woman in society/weep giant tears that summer is over, we also take a closer look at local employer/dream killer - Toronto FC. Many of you would surely like to land a job working for your beloved club but before you shine up your resume, take a look at these less-than upwardly mobile BMO Field careers...

11. The English-to-New Zealish translator

10. The barber trying to shave a CNE corndog into the side of Dominic Oduro's head

9. The team trying to get "Joe Bendik - The Cologne" off the ground

8. The guy that has to hold the bowl over Nick Hagglund's head during his weekly haircut

7. The crew that has to re-capture the Timbits children after halftime and put them back in their cage until the next match

6. Ryan Nelsen's personal Post-Match Excuse Assistant

5. The engineer that must make sure that Warren Creavalle's cameo is perfectly level before kick-off

4. Butty-mopper

3. Assistant Bitchy the Hawk

2. The intern that has to cut ticker tape for all of Tim Leiweke's imaginary parades

1. Substitute defender



THE STARTING 11: Hardest workers at TFC

"You. Better. Work!"

Happy Labour Day comrades! Not just a day of where parents drunkenly celebrate their children getting the eff back to school but also a day where we throw off the shackles of our American oppressors and stand up for our right to spell "labour" with the letter "u"! Wourkers of the Wourld Unite! Despite zero production output, BMO Field is actually home to some tough jobs and today we stop socializing and start socialisming over the unsung heroes whose back-breaking labour puts the "u" in TFC...

11. The person who has to figure out where in the CNE Food Building Danny Koevermans is hiding and get him back to his strenuous "re-hab"

10. That guy who has to meticulously draw Kevin Payne's head on top of a Greek god's body into the foam on top of the president's daily latte

9. The admin assistant that has to constantly schedule potentially successful days five years into the future

8. The barber who must carefully cut only the sides of Maxi Urruti's hair while leaving the top looking like a puffy mink stole

7. The office staff member who picks the short straw and has to be Bitchy the Hawk's "husband" that week

6. The social media expert who has to translate all of Reggie Lambe's perfectly spelled Queen's English tweets into marketable street-cred Caribbean patois

5. The person who has to figure out what to tell fans they would have spent $25M on if there had actually been $25M to spend on a mystery player who was worth $25M and would actually consider coming here for said $25M if they were "the right fit". Oh... and not make it sound like a plea for 2014 season ticket renewals.

4. "The Dichio Buffer"

3. The team who have to wrangle, capture and cage the halftime Timbits children players so they can be used at the next home match

2. The summer student intern who is in charge of the club's entire scouting department

1. The supporters... who have to constantly "get used to it"





THE STARTING 11: Hardest jobs at TFC

"C'mon you Reds. No really."



Happy Labour Day everyone! We hope you got all the presents you asked for when that jolly Steelworker came down your chimney overnight! What?... They don't?... That bastard finished of all those cookies and milk though - and 400 grams of Black Forest Ham!... you dial 9 and 1 and I'll get a net and a Time in Lieu form... Anyhoo! Today is the day we celebrate The Socialist Worker (take that Jacob Peterson) and while you may think that the hardest workers at BMO Field are the players and coaches - think again. Let's honour the industrious folks behind the scenes that make TFC tick like a finely-oiled 18th Century plough...
11. Terry Dunfield's sock tassler

10. The security guard at Gate 1 responsible for turning away anyone trying to enter under the names: Mo Jackson, Mike Johnston, Maurice Jensen, MJ McGeeEm or Senor Maurizio Jolopeno

9. The Australian shepherd who has to rope and shear Logan Emory every morning

8. The audio technician who has to adjust the volume whenever Thomas Rongen is chosen to do play-by-play

7. The Bitchy-fluffer

6. Jim Brennan's personal soul patchscaper

5. The person who has to calculate when the current Five Year Plan ends and the next one begins

4. The engraver responsible for making name plates for the TFC manager's office door

3. The on-staff tailor who measures Paul Mariner's inside shorts leg

2. The MLSE staff journalist who has to decide after every game if TFC lost due to injury, fatigue, travel or "the players still getting to know each other"

1. Your season ticket renewal rep in a couple of weeks

Toronto FC's "Unlabour Day" Parade

Unlabour Day cheezies.... let us pray...


We've always found those strange "almost holiday" days that come right after a very recognized special day to be quite odd. For example, the day after Halloween is known as All Saints' Day, a Christian holy day where every saint, known and unknown, is celebrated. I guess that includes St. Lucia - Patron Saint of Stretchers. Then there is Boxing Day, the post-Christmas Day celebration where we commemorate when the Baby Jesus kept his receipts for gold, frankincense and myrrh. Seriously... myrrh?
　
As we blearily return to work/ school on this post-Labour Day Tuesday, we thought it would be appropriate to designate today as one of those unofficial post-holidays. How about "Unlabour Day"? A day to celebrate not really working all that hard and doing the bare minimum to achieve a paycheque. Of course we have to put a Toronto FC slant to it, so we give you a specially wrapped Unlabour Day gift of TFC's starting eleven players who had all the tools to have an impact - but never quite did. Sometimes through laziness and sometimes just bad circumstance, these ex-Reds never fulfilled their promise in Toronto. Put up your feet, open your traditional bag of Unlabour Day cheezies and lounge along with these heroes of not working too hard. We would have alphabetized them... but why try harder?
　
JEFF CUNNINGHAM - One of the league's all-time leading scorers - never looked arsed to be here. Was desperate to score his 100th league goal, didn't care if it was in a win or loss.
　
GABE GALA - An "original" TFC member who was touted as a local home grown star of the future. Mostly touted by himself. Scored against Real Madrid in friendly. Likely still talking about it.
　
LAURENT ROBERT - He came. He sulked. He left. The Frenchman with the Premier League pedigree and wicked foot turned up his nose at all things MLS during his petit tenure as a Red.
　
O'BRIAN WHITE - The Malvern residing NCAA stand-out was seen as the answer to TFC's non-existent scoring. Quickly earned the nickname "Malvern/ Montego Molasses". Slowly moved to Seattle.
　
OLIVIER TEBILY - One of the highest touted defensive imports in the Mo Johnston era never got off the ground in Toronto through a mysterious cocktail of injury and homesickness.
　
ROHAN RICKETTS - Professional Tweeter/ Bridge Burner, Ricketts has dined off his Arsenal/ Tottenham tenure for years. "Dazzling" personality never covers lacklustre work ethic.
　
AMADO GUEVARA - Controversial we know. Great numbers at TFC but always a feeling he could have done so much more. For every goal scored, he disappeared for a few halves.
　
ALI GERBA - Many fans still feel that the straight-talking Gerba could have made good here if it wasn't for Preki. One thing he made good was his promise to clean his plate after every meal.
　
COLLIN SAMUEL - Speaking of cleaning plates, this portly Trinidadian arrived with a decent scoring record in Scotland... where he no doubt found his love for all things deep fried.
　
CARLOS RUIZ - Perhaps the first hint was when he didn't show up for five weeks after being picked up by Mo Johnston. Never wanted to be here - fact that Mo released Robert for him is sweet irony.
　
MISTA - Possibly the perfect encapsulation of the Mo Johnston record of buying the wrong player. The broken down Spaniard didn't score an MLS goal and destroyed the little goodwill that real star Dwayne De Rosario had over his wage issues. Did look like Sean Penn though... that was fun.

Workers of the TFC unite!

With it being Labour Day (yes, our American friends, we spell it with a "u"), The Yorkies want to celebrate the true workers who have so far worn the Red for Toronto FC. Channelling the proletariat spirit of Karl Marx we offer you a starting line-up of the most blue collar, hard working and enthusiastic lads to run out on our Eastern Bloc era artificial turf. They may not be the most talented group in TFC's short history but this starting 11 would have definitely put in a harder effort this past Saturday night in Colorado. This is a line-up that could have started for SC Karl-Marx-Stadt (yes, they existed).

Manager: John Carver

G: Greg Sutton
D: Marvell Wynne
D: Tyrone Marshall
D: Andrew Boyens
D: Adrian Serioux
M: Jim Brennan
M: Chris Pozniak
M: Carl Robinson
M: Dwayne De Rosario
F: Andrea Lombardo
F: Danny Dichio

Talented, maybe not. Bust their humps for TFC? Yes. They would definitely beat the crap out of the Mo Johnston managed TFC Bourgeoisie squad featuring the likes of Laurent Robert, Rohan Ricketts and Jeff Cunningham.

Happy Labour Day Canada! Happy Labor Day USA! Happy Monday everyone else around the world! Happy Mondays Shaun Ryder and Bez.