TFZ: Butty-mad Rooney in TFC transfer shocker?

(L-R) Johnston, Rooney, Butty

Welcome to TFZ - The Totally Fake-Rumour Zone! This is your # 1 source for Toronto FC gossip with zero sources! Our team of intrepid reporters keeps their ears to the street - and then ignores it - to bring you the latest in late-breaking, hard-hitting, completely unreliable false rumourage!
　
This week on TFZ....
　
- Is MLSE ready to open the vault? Is Wonder ready to bake more bread? England striker and Chip Butty enthusiast Wayne Rooney is ready to make the leap to Toronto FC after word of BMO Field's Butty-making prowess reached Manchester. The bulldoggy United forward loves the idea of having his favourite meal after every match! What a morsel!

- Next week's Bolton Wanderers friendly was almost cancelled when Owen Coyle's squad made excessive hospitality demands including all-you-can-eat Steak & Kidney pies, non-stop Tetley Bitter and a year's worth of Coronation Street on DVD - how could Molly do that to Tyrone?!

- Ex-TFC'er Laurent Robert could be in for a shock return to Toronto after Preki claimed that the current squad lacks "the surly, sulky factor" - sacre bleu!

- Was that TFC's new Spanish forward Mista dancing naked on a TTC streetcar after Spain's win on Sunday? If he has a heart-shaped birthmark on his left buttock - then maybe!

- Former Toronto defender and Scarborough native Adrian Serioux has a cameo in the new Robert Rodriguez film "Predators". Serioux was not credited for his role as "Angry Predator # 2"

- Was that Collin Samuel staggering out of an all-night pie shop in Perth, Scotland? Someone's off the mincemeat wagon again!

- Toronto's MLS Cup Final halftime show may be a "Tribute to Canadian TV" with special appearances by Alan Thicke, three surviving "Beachcombers" and The Littlest Hobo! Entertaining!

- TFC's Russian defender and punching aficionado Maxim Usanov reveals he was heartbroken as a boy when he found out that his boyhood idol, Russian boxing champ Ivan Drago, wasn't a real person. Young Maxim apparently couldn't punch anything for weeks from sadness. I must break... your heart!
　
If you've heard (including in your own head) anything on the faux-football grapevine, don't be shy, add your own rumours in the TFZ comments section! Exclamation mark!

THE STARTING 11: Ways the World Cup will change TFC

Paul predicts Mo is getting a contract extension. Stupid octopus.

Well, the World Cup is over. The Spanish team is celebrating their victory today, driving through Madrid throwing paella at their fans while bulls rampage through the crowd. Or so I'm led to believe. Meanwhile, millions of sad Dutch supporters were forced to throw away their "celebration marijuana" and buy "sadness marijuana" instead. It's hard to pour mayonnaise on French Fries with tears in your eyes you know! The post-Cup vibrations were felt here in Toronto too but what will the lasting effects of the South African tournament be on our local club?
　
11. Stadium to be renamed "Royal BMOFeng"
　
10. Visiting MLS teams forced to drive bus through "African Lion Safari"
　
9. When TFC gets eliminated from MLS Playoffs, College Street suddenly becomes home to hundreds of "long-time" Columbus Crew fans... then New York Red Bulls... then Los Angeles Galaxy
　
8. BMO Field French Fries to go on strike after one match
　
7. Mo taking a good look at "solid" North Korean defenders
　
6. Canadian Internationals still confused about "what this World Cup is they keep hearing about?"
　
5. All Italians in attendance forced to leave match much earlier than expected
　
4. GO Trains must now blow Vuvuzela horn as they enter Exhibition Station
　
3. Members of the Dutch Royal family to kick balls at stacked pizza boxes at halftime
　
2. "Bitchy" the hawk to be replace with "Paul" the psychic octopus
　
1. Monkey Butty

BMO Field? Turn left at the chimps.

AFTER 90: The Fortress of Solotude

BMO's renovation takes shape

TORONTO FC 1 - COLORADO 0

It took four years but Toronto FC has finally found a way to compensate with terrible road form - don't lose at home... ever. BMO Field has indeed become "Fortress BMO" with TFC having one of the best home records in the league. While The Reds aren't scoring boatloads of goals, they have found a way to score one goal and fight and scrap their way to points. Against the Rapids on Saturday, the scrappy was evident.

It was the same cast of characters for Toronto who looked miserable against Colorado back in April but the squad has transformed its backbone and have learned to fight. The match wasn't pretty through the first half but TFC showed a good team work ethic and their constant hassling of the Rapids eventually paid off. In the 61st minute, young TFC forward Fuad Ibrahim pushed and shoved his way past a very sloppy Colorado defense and scored his first of the season.

Despite a late Colorado offensive effort, which was handled solidly by Stefan Frei, the one goal stood again and Preki's socialist heroes fought their way to three points. The 2010 Reds are far from a sexy football team to watch but they are giving the BMO Field faithful something new - results.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei (TFC)

GOAT OF THE MATCH: Danny Earls (COL)

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Fighty. Scrappy. Teamworky. Swisstasticy. Ballsy.

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "RAPIDS GET FUAD FOR THOUGHT"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "I, General Radosavljevic, have declared The Socialist Peoples' Toronto Football Regime has brought great honour to the workers who are our brothers. Comrade Frei and our Red Army fought together with the spirit of labour and have brought glorious victory over the capitalist bourgeoisie from Colorado. Unite!" - Preki on TFC's new found workmanship

NEXT TFC MATCH: at Philadelphia Union - Saturday 3:30PM

Mo signs Brazilian with top scoring name

Maicon - not the good one.

After years and years of hard, gruelling, Indiana Jones-esque travels to the deepest darkest nightclubs, er... I mean, futbol stadiums of Brazil - Mo Johnston has finally signed his Samba striker. Just a week after Brazilian Maicon was strutting his stuff at the World Cup - TFC will have Brazilian Maicon in the famous red kit. Ole! Ole!

Okay, so the guy that Mo signed isn't that Maicon, and he didn't actually sign him from Brazil - he was released by Preki's old team Chivas USA. Oh, and he doesn't really score any goals... but hey that's just details! If Philadelphia Union can have fake Fred we can have fake Maicon! TFC will attempt to fool the locals with "our very first Brazilian" (we don't count Paulo Nagamura), Maicon Santos - a "forward" who has bounced through the paparazzi world of the Tunisian league, the lower Israeli league and the high-pressure world of the Brazilian lower divisions. Maicon Santos eventually found his way on loan to Chivas USA where he scored twice. What's Brazilian for Barrett again? Chadinho?

At worst, perhaps Preki, who says he knows the player well, can turn him into a big target man and get some useful minutes out of the well-named striker. We didn't realize things had got so bad up front that Mo would start name association signing. So, if your name is Steve Zidane, Randy Pele or Dave Van Basten - go buy yourself some shorts - you could be next!

THE MATCHUP: Hot Rapid-on-Rapid action!

---------------It takes days for The Rapids to get to Toronto

TORONTO FC (7th) VS. COLORADO (5th)
　
BMO Field - Saturday 12PM ET
TV: CBC
　
There hasn't been this many rapids in football since Colorado Rapids held the Marcelo Balboa Testimonial match against Rapid Vienna in a raft on actual rapids... and played quickly... er, rapidly. Toronto FC's Preki-motivated 2010 rebuilding plan was to collect as many former average Colorado Rapids as possible and fit them into the Serb's workman like socialist manifesto. Colorado in the meantime just took two really talented Reds off of Toronto's hands and let them play... well.
　
Rapids, the MLS' equivalent to tapioca pudding, splash down (see what I did there - Rapids? Never mind.) into Toronto after winning the home leg of the tie 3-1 back in April. TFC have improved somewhat since then but lately the vaunted "Fortress BMO" has only been good for draws. Indeed, the house on Lakeshore is more a "House of Ties". Not "House of Lies"... his office is upstairs at BMO. The transfer window is yet to open, so like a dog whose owner left him in the car, TFC will have to suffocate through the stifling offence of Barrett and O'Brien before a friendly Mista can come by and open the scoring. Weird analogy yes... but it's a heatwave. My brain is woozy. Yo homes to Bel-Air!... See.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Red-Rapid Re-Run"
　
Re-Rapids: Nick La Brocca, Dan Gargan, Ty Harden, Adrian Cann
Red Redux: Conor Casey, Marvell Wynne, Jamie Smith (well a Red trialist at least!)
　
THE ODDS:
- Confused ex-players to score multiple own-goals: 3-1
- Altitude-junky Rapids to be confused by sea-level Toronto: 5-1
- Teams to transfer four more players at the half: 10-1
- Homesick Marvell Wynne to go on pre-match syrup, Timbits and Chip Butty bender: 6-4
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Noon kickoff means an early morning start back in Colorado where all of the Rapids' die hard supporters will watch the match over breakfast. Hi you four - how's the bacon?
- Rapids owner Stan Kroenke is still aiming to buy the controlling shares in English club Arsenal and thus continue his quest to own the world's most boring football clubs
- Rapids were voted 17th most popular Denver sports team just behind the Colorado Peeks pro-bird watching club and the Denver Windwmillz of the X-Treme Mini Golf Association
- Colorado has not one, not two... but four fluffy club mascots! (See for yourself) Not shown is former mascot "Rapidman" (pictured below) who is rumoured to appear on the next season of "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew"
　
METRE HIGH CITY SAYS: 1-0 Toronto
MILE HIGH CITY SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "FANS SHOCKED AS HARDEN, LA BROCCA AND GARGAN JOIN INTO GIANT ROBOT 'RAPIDTRON' - CITY IN RUINS"

-----------------------Rapidman: working on issues

Mister Mista on way to TFC

"Hey Mista!"

For the first time since April of 2007, Toronto FC seems to have acquired a striker with a chance of having a meaningful, and hopefully consistent, impact on The Reds' front line. Earlier today the club officially announced the signing of former Spanish international striker Miguel Angel Ferrer Martinez, or "Mista" to his friends. The deal, which only has a club commitment until the end of the season, holds little risk for TFC and could be quite a coup for the team if Mista proves effective after his post-July 15th debut.
　
The 31-year old, 6 foot tall striker is a big target man very much in the mould of Danny Dichio but has in the past shown a delicate scorer's touch far more advanced than the TFC legend had. His lengthy career in Spain's La Liga has included stops with Spanish giants Deportivo La Coruna, Atletico Madrid and Valencia where he had the best stretch of his career scoring 40 times in 144 appearances. That fairly prolific stretch saw Mista earn two caps with the Spanish national squad in 2005.
　
Mista's appearances and goal tally have been on a steady decline since leaving Valencia and he has only managed 5 goals since the start of the 2006 season. The last few seasons have been injury plagued and marked with some loss of form but the considerably higher skill level of La Liga to MLS may prove to be a boon for Mista and TFC. With O'Brien "Montego Molasses" White and The Chad the only other real striker options Mister Mista may yet become a hit at BMO Field.
　
Gold star to the first supporter to sing "Mista Boombastic" after his first goal.
　
“"Mmmmm-Mista Boombastic. Spanish - fantastic.
Pass me on me foot...
Mista-BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!”

THE STARTING 11: How foreign TFC'ers celebrated Canada Day

Is that a backup keeper on the CN Tower?

TFC is a microcosm of the city it calls home. It's an international mosaic of cultures and values that come together to make a rich and rewarding tapestry. Mo Johnston is there too. For some of the non-Canadian members of the club, the Canada Day holiday is a new and novel experience. For some, it's the chance to do some "Canadian" things and get in the spirit of their adopted home but just how did they get their Canuck on?
　
11. Chad Barrett: Tried his first Canadian beer. Woke up two days later in Regina
　
10. Jacob Peterson: Went to an Ontario Amish market. Found things too exotic.
　
9. Joseph "Nane Joseph" Nane: Failed his Canadian citizenship quiz by naming the Prime Minister as "Harper Stephen"
　
8. Dan Gargan: Ate Timbits until he passed out
　
7. Ty Harden: Adamantly refused to spell flavour, colour or humour with a "u"
　
6. Raivis Hščanovičs: Found some extra letters in the English alphabet. Added them to last name
　
5. O'Brien White: Participated in Charity 1K Fun Run. Due to finish late this week
　
4. Maxim Usanov: Had photo taken with Mountie. Punched Mountie. Punched Mountie's horse. Punched camera. Punched Canadian flag.
　
3. Mo Johnston: Continued his search for new Canadian talent... in Central Africa and Eastern Europe
　
2. Jon Conway: Climbed up side of CN Tower. Swatted at bi-planes
　
1. Nick Garcia: Somehow avoided deportation

THE WORD: TFC taking a Brandy sniff-ter?

Does Mo want a Brandy?

A few reports out of England are linking Toronto FC with recently released Manchester United reserve striker Febian Brandy. The striker who never played meaningful minutes with ManYoo has been bouncing around the lower English divisions on loan for a few seasons but has been involved with the England U-20 set-up. And hey, nothing involved with the England national team could go wrong... right? Could football genius Mo Johnston really be interested in the young forward? Let's make a Brandy list...

- At 5 foot 5 inches he is, to be politically correct, diminutive

- Born in the northern half of England

- Has had a rash of serious injuries including a badly broken leg

- Only managed 8 goals in 55 appearances with "giant" clubs such as Swansea City, Gillingham, and Hereford United

- He's on a free transfer

In other words... if he can hookup with the First Wave Agency - PERFECT!!!

WORD FACTOR: 5 / 10

AFTER 90: Canada Day's alright for fightin'!

TORONTO FC 1 - HOUSTON DYNAMO 1

Canadians are good at two things on our national holiday: drinkin' beers and fightin'! Down at tonight's match at BMO Field - TFC were all outta beers! In a move that is sure to finally endear the beautiful game to Toronto's affluent "Hoser" community, The Reds' punctuated their Canada Day matchup against Houston Dynamo with a sweet little hissy scrap. Shocked BMO Field security didn't know which way to turn - shirtless supporters or scrapping Reds!

There is little to say about the match up until the fisticuffs (or slapticuffs) midway through the second half except that TFC has hit the wall once again in the old striker department. I know, I know - Mo's looking for another striker... this is why we drink. In fact, the once named "Fortress BMO" is quickly turning into the "Fortress of Drawitude". Either way, the match was a sloppy back and forth affair with little skill play until... FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Yes, after a few angry bumps and collisions it all kicked off between Houston's Joseph Ngwenya (who looks like the Predator's drag queen cousin) and young Torontonian Nana Attakora. Nana was doing just fine but his fellow hometowner Julian de Guzman felt there was only room for one wacky hairstyle and plowed into Ngwenya with the rest of both teams joining the dance. de Guzman and Ngwenya both saw red cards and with both teams at 10 men things settled down. Houston grabbed a lead from a Brian Ching header with TFC grabbing a late equalizer from an identical Dan Gargan "Tuan" header. Yet another draw and TFC may be in a mid-summer scoring drought - but hey, they can punch!

MAN OF THE MATCH: Dwayne De Rosario (TFC)... scrappy

GOAT OF THE MATCH: Amadou Sanyang (TFC)... crappy

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Drag Queen Predator. Punched. Canada!

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "VOLUME ONE OF 'CRAIG FORREST'S ROCK EM' SOCK EM' SOCCER' ON SALE NOW!"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "I very furious that Coach Radosavljevic no put me into fight! When I am child in Siberia I punch horse, cow, truck and building everyday. I say to Coach "let Maxim fight dreadlocked transvestite - I must break him" but coach say no, now I am sad and angry. I go now and punch my dinner and maybe window. If he dies... he dies." - Maxim Usanov on his lack of playing time tonight

NEXT TFC MATCH: Colorado (BMO Field - July 10)

THE MATCHUP: "Canada - F#@! Yeah!"

Rush - "O Canada" with 5 minute drum solo

TORONTO FC (6th) VS. HOUSTON (10th)
　
BMO Field - Saturday 7PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ---RADIO: THE FAN590
　
After a tough night last Saturday for TFC supporters, the Reds' faithful are due for a good time. Having to fight through a war zone city only to witness one of the most lifeless matches this season, the fans will want a big Canada Day win. At the very least, the BMO Field crowd won't have to cross riot police and running street battles to reach the match as the G20 Summit is a distant, expensive memory.
　
Actually, the G20 and Toronto FC's front office are quite similar. They both meet behind closed doors and only emerge for photo ops. They both have heavy handed security forces to stare down (or worse) the very people who pay their wages. And, neither of them ever accomplishes much. But we digress.... Hey! Turn that frown upside down - the underperforming Houston Dynamo are in town! It's Canada Day - let's celebrate syrup, The Littlest Hobo and Rush! If TFC can't get pumped up and get 3 points from that - take away their passports.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Flag Wavio"
　
TEXAN CANADIANS: Andre Hainault D, Pat Onstad GK, Adrian Serioux D
CANADIAN CANADIANS: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Julian de Guzman MF, Nana Attakora D
　
THE ODDS:
- Fake vuvuzela noises replaced with patriotic Bob & Doug "Koo-roo-koo-koo's": 2-1
- BMO Field security to "box in" shirtless supporters in the rain for five hours: 5-1
- Adrian Serioux to go "all predator" on Mo Johnston's ass: 3-1
- Prime Minister Harper to stop by at halftime and hand Mayor Miller a giant, deserved cheque to Toronto to cover the G20 damages: 8000-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- "Bitchy" the BMO Field hawk to be replaced by patriotic beaver on a hang glider
- In honour of the Queen's visit to Canada, teams to play exact replica of recent England vs. Algeria World Cup match
- Houston and Canada goalkeeper Pat Onstad will be celebrating his 63rd birthday this weekend
- Maxim Usanov will be outside BMO Field punching all non-Canadians in the head for charity
　
CANADIAN PEAMEAL BACON SAYS: 1-0 Toronto
SPICY TEX-MEX SAYS: 2-1 Houston
HEADLINE: "TFC LETS OFF POST GAME FIREWORKS - TORONTONIANS RUN FOR COVER"